Original subtitles

You've been trying for a whole year?

What if I can't have kids?

I mean, I know Stacey said you'd been trying,

but have you actually been trying?

-What? -Well, that's what I wondered.

-It's quality... -BOTH: Not quantity.

Oh, don't talk to her like I'm not here.

-This is our son. Mine and hers. -All right, Dave, leave it.

We getting married on June 13. It'll all change then.

Will it? I really hope it works out, given me and her woke up in bed together

last time she came here without you.

What?

I'm afraid there is a problem. It's you Gavin.

You've got a low sperm count.

It will be okay, Gav.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hiya.

-Are you still asleep? -No.

-How come? -Well, I'm up. I've been to the shop,

got paper, some milk. It's a lush day, innit?

I know, it's bakin'. And there's the Elvis convention.

The island's gonna be packed. What're you up to today, then?

Don't know. Might pop down and see you later.

Aw, that'll be nice.

Make sure you text before you come though, so as I can take my break.

Hang on a minute, babe.

I think my parents have just pulled up outside the house.

What, your parents? Your mum and dad? Pam and Mick?

-Yeah. -Oh, my God, maybe your nan's died.

Right. Which one? 'Cause they're both actually dead.

Are they? And mine are. Oh, there's lush.

I'll call you back.

Yoo-hoo! Surprise!

What you doin' here?

Oh, that's a nice welcome.

-Hiya, mate. -Hiya.

No, it's just... Well, it's just a surprise, that's all.

Yeah, that's 'cause we wanted to surprise you.

(SOFTLY) Needless to say, this was your mother's idea.

It wasn't actually. It was Dawn and Pete's.

They saw the weather last night on Sky, and they said,

"Ooh, it's gonna be nice in Wales tomorrow by all accounts.

"Let's go down and spend the day on Barry Beach."

-So are they following you down? -No, they had a row,

3:00 this morning. They're not speaking.

Dawn threw him out. He slept in the shed.

-Why? -That bloody ring.

BRYN: Mick, Mick. Pam, Gav, I'm up here.

-MICK: (LAUGHS) Hello. -Hiya.

There I was having a bath when the phone goes. It's Glenda.

She's says, "Gav's mum and dad have pulled up outside Gwen's."

I said, "Don't be daft, Glenda."

But lo and behold she was right! And there you are.

-Here we are. -Here we are.

Wait there, I'll get dressed. I'm naked.

Well, that's a fiver I owe Glenda.

-Hiya, Doris. -All right, Dor?

She just e-mailed me and said it was you,

and I said I bet you five quid it isn't and here you are.

-She's made a twat of me, Pam. -(LAUGHS)

I'll tell you something else. Gwen's in for a shock.

Glenda just texted me. She said you were here.

-Well, what a shock. -I know, it's a surprise.

-We fancied a day on the beach. -Oh, that's the ticket.

Oh, that sounds lovely. Can we join you?

Gwen, we would love it. We've got everything in the back,

windbreaks, lilos, surfboards.

Yeah, well, it's a body board. Are you coming, Doris?

Oh, I haven't been down the island for years, Mick.

Well, al the more reason.

Well, why not.

Doughnut, a bag of chips, I'm your girl.

I'll have to dig out my bikini.

-(LAUGHS) -Joking I am, Gav.

A one-piece, it is.

(ALL LAUGHING)

-Oh, sorry about that. -Oh, you were quick.

Oh, I'm only halfway through, Pam. I've not even talcumed yet.

Now, I hear we're going down the beach.

-How'd you hear that? -Glenda. On Twitter.

She said she'd seen Gav's mum and dad talking to Gwen

about going down the beach.

-You're coming, aren't you? -I should coco!

But I'm thinking about little baby Neil the Baby.

-He'd love it down there. -He would.

But what's the latest with Nessa and Dave?

We don't really know. We've not heard a peep.

Let me exfoliate, I'll pop down the van, see how the land lies.

GWEN: Well, come on in.

So, this is O-bama.

All right. O-bama.

Not to be confused with O-sama.

(GURGLING)

O-bama.

O-sama.

Very different people with very different ideas.

You fancy a rusk? Me, too.

-All right? -Yeah.

-I gotta get a new gas. -We'll come with you if you like.

-No, you're all right. -Where to you goin'?

I dunno. Rylands? Lawsons?

-They open bank holidays? -Should, yeah. Probably not.

Well, we should last till tomorrow, shouldn't we?

You talking about the Calor Gas or our relationship?

Oh, Dave, man, come on.

Why you bein' like this?

-Why am I bein' like this? -You gotta let it go.

What, you sleepin' with another man?

I told you, I didn't sleep with him. Not like that, anyways.

-Positive of that, are you? -No, I'm not, if truth be told.

But what can I do?

I bought you that Aston Villa strip.

I know and I loves it. You know I does.

I can't bear it, Ness.

Thinking of you and him together, doin' things...

You know, doin' the stuff that we do. The things that we do.

Look, I know we didn't do any of that stuff, okay?

But how do you know?

Because I didn't have my bag. My tools. My cloak.

And anyway, there's no way he could take that level of...

-(KNOCK ON DOOR) -BRYN: Nessa, Dave, Neil?

-It's Bryn. -We're in here, Bryn.

Hello, you three. Whew, hot in here.

-That better for you, Bryn? -Yes, thank you.

Now here's the thing.

Pam and Mick Shipman have just turned up on the doorstep, out of the blue,

and we've all decided to go to the beach.

Will you join us?

-Will Smithy be there? -(SIGHS WITH FRUSTRATION)

Huh? No. As far as I know, his name's not been mentioned.

I know things between the two of you are not exactly, well, peachy.

Look, you do what you like.

I gotta find me some gas.

We're nearly empty, aren't we, Ness?

Catch you later, Bryn.

Good God!

The tension in here, Ness. It's unbearable.

-This is what it's been like? -Yeah, for weeks.

Well, I don't want to know the details, the ins, the outs.

That's the problem, Bryn. I can't remember if there were any.

-Hiya. -Hiya (LAUGHS)

Oh, you look so lush.

-What do you mean? -Just watchin' you then

from the kiosk, smilin'.

Oh, it's been so long since I've seen you proper smilin'.

Oh, that's nice.

Hiya, Stace. We're on the island.

-Can you believe it? First time. -I know! What do you think?

-I like it. What a beautiful beach. -Well, it's nice.

But I suppose that's 'cause the sun's shining.

I mean, I expect if it was raining or just a bit overcast

it would be quite a bleak and depressing place.

A bit like Billericay, really...

Hiya, love. You gonna come down on your break?

Definitely. Where you goin'? Down by the left or down by the right?

-Probably in the middle. -Yes, it's nice there.

-See you later. -See you down there, love.

-See you later. -(GIGGLES)

-All right, Ness? -Hiya, where's Dave?

-What's occurrin'? -Ah, Stace,

we're not mentioning Dave today.

-Today is a David-free zone. -Is it still bad?

The atmosphere in that caravan is what I can only describe as...

-Well, I can't describe it. -So Dave's not coming, then?

Oh, Gav, what happened to this Dave-free zone?

-Oh, Stace! -Sorry, Marco.

Come on, I got seven Elvises here all gasping for a cappuccino.

-Right, I'll see you later. -See you.

(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)

-All right, mate? -Gavelarindini!

-Guess where I am? -Where?

-Guess. -Where?

No, guess.

-Where? -Guess.

-Upton Park. -Wrong, I'm in my car.

-Oh, yeah, where you going? -Guess.

Smithy, just tell me where you are.

Okay, I've just crossed a big bridge,

I paid £5.40 for the privilege. I'm currently coming off the M4,

off the A48 heading westbound, straight towards the Isle of Barry.

-You're coming down here? -Where I know for a fact

my best friend's wife's at work all day, leaving him AKA you,

sat at home watching YouPorn, playing what can only be described

after recent revelations as his empty, useless gonads.

-Smithy! -Gotta laugh at it, mate.

You gotta laugh adversity right in the face.

No, I don't. That's really horrible.

Whoa, hang on a minute.

What about when Gary and Simon's uncle had his testicle removed

and he walked in the Crown after his operation?

I don't seem to remember you holding back on the singing. What was it again?

-I don't know. -What was the song that you made up?

The One-ball of Wimbledon.

# Underground, overground

BOTH: # Wombling free

# The one-ball of Wimbledon Common are we #

Okay, I give you that one.

The irony is he has actually moved to Wimbledon.

So you're on your way here now?

Yeah, we're gonna go to the beach.

I wanna be the first person who'll take my son to the seaside,

walk him on the sand.

The only problem with that is he's already on the beach.

We all are, Mum and Dad, everyone. It was a bit impromptu.

What?

-Is Dave there? -No, hang on.

Bryn, is Dave coming?

We don't know. He's gone to get gas.

He's gone to get gas.

Oh, well, in that case, look, I'm not gonna bother.

I'll just turn around. It's probably for the best.

Yeah, probably.

No! Why's it for the best? I'm trying to see my son!

Stop trying to stop me!

-I'm not. -Don't then. I'll see you in a bit.

-Goodbye. -See you.

This is a beautiful beach.

Well, I'm glad you said that, Mick,

because we're very proud of our beaches in Barry, aren't we, Gwen?

Oh, yes, I prefer it to Porthcawl.

Now, now. The thing is, Mick, I've got a lot of happy memories of this beach.

Some of the best times of my childhood.

We used to come over for the day from Swansea.

-And see those rocks over there? -Yeah?

Well, I'll never forget Trevor, my brother, God rest his soul,

and his friend Ian Dickson, Dixie, they called him, I don't know why.

I'll never forget them dangling me over the edge there one summer holidays

by my ankles, swinging me back and forth, back and forth.

Oh, they were laughing away. And if I hadn't held my hands out,

my face would've been bashing against those rocks.

-Bryn, that's terrible! -No, it was just tomfoolery, Pam.

-Really? -Yes, the folly of youth.

And between you and me, I rather enjoyed having both arms in plaster.

Like this, I was. Hello. Hello. Hello. (LAUGHS)

Happy days.

£5 he's asking, for a bit of canvas and a wooden frame.

-That's a bit steep. -You could buy one for that.

I told him to stick it, Pam, coming over here taking our jobs.

-Where was he from? Poland? -No, Newport.

-Mick, give Dor your foldy. -Yeah, all right, here you go, Doris.

Thanks, Mick.

Well, I'm gonna get some drinks. What's everyone want?

DORIS: Oh, yeah, just get a mixture.

Yeah, just a few cans of pop.

-I'll have an Irn-Bru. -What if they haven't got Irn-Bru?

Go somewhere that has.

Okay. Anyone else?

I'll have a tea, Gav. Or a Shandy Bass. Either's fine.

Should we get a little juice for Neil the Baby?

-I mean, I know we got some water but... -It's up to you, Gwen,

but I'm not payin' for it.

Don't worry, I'll get these. Is that enough, Gav?

What? Well, it's only a few cans but cheers, Dor.

No worries. Fake it is, Gav, that 20.

-What? -I'm joking. Lighten up, man.

Right.

Oh, Mick, you been working out? Nice frame.

Cheers. I do me best.

I bet you do.

Hey, Pam, I imagine you're a satisfied customer.

Doris!

I've got no complaints, put it that way.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I bet you haven't, you lucky bitch.

Hey, mister, let's get this on you, get you protected.

(STAMMERS) Now, look, Bryn, you're all right.

Pam will do it, won't you, Pam?

Leave her be, she's relaxing.

-Honestly, Bryn... -Look, it's on my hands, what can I do?

Okay.

Yes, sir, can I help you?

I'd like some drinks, please, lots of cans and a smooch.

-A full smooch and a cuddle. -(CHUCKLES)

-Oh, you missin' me? -I am actually, yeah.

I'll be down in a bit now.

Hey, guess what I was thinkin' this mornin'?

-What? -That we should go on holiday.

-You know, just get away from it all. -Yeah, maybe.

Just think we're a bit preoccupied with everything.

You know, havin' babies, not havin' babies.

Maybe we just need to be on our own for a bit.

This is nice. Just us two.

SMITHY: Gavlar, this is amazing!

There's a fair! Why have we never been here before?

-Ghost train, dodgems. -Log flumes.

Log flumes? We gotta go on them. Where's Neil? Where's everyone?

They're down on the right just after the steps.

-I'll see you down there. -You want a drink?

Yeah, I'll have a Irn-Bru.

Okay.

Really, Bryn, that should be fine now, seriously.

You can never be too careful, Mick. Skin cancer is on the up, isn't it, Dor?

-Apparently. -Hey, Smithy.

Hey up, Smithy!

ALL: Smithy!

Hey, all right, Doris? You beach-bound diva.

Hiya, Smithy, love.

Look at you lot sunning yourselves, living the dream.

-All right? -Yeah, you?

Yeah, yeah, good. Where's my boy?

Hey, there he is. (EXCLAIMING)

Look, it's your daddy!

Hiya! Look at you!

What do you think of the beach then, eh?

Yeah? You like it? And look what I got.

(GASPS) Look at that!

You're gonna help me build a sand castle, yeah?

You wanna build a sand castle?

Is it all right to build a sand castle?

Or does he need little sleep or anything, does he?

-No, he's fine. Go for it. -Yeah?

Here you are, Gwen, will you take him a minute? I'll just get this off.

I can't get it off.

What you doing wearing that thing anyway?

I thought it'd be a laugh. But seriously, it's not coming off.

(LAUGHING) I'm not surprised.

How'd you get it on. Isn't it a child's one?

-No, it's 12 to 14. -(ALL LAUGHING)

You can't pull it over your tummy. You've gotta pull it over your bum.

-Yeah, all right, Bryn. -No, no. He doesn't wanna go.

Maybe you should deflate it.

That's it, the valve! Where's the valve?

Where's the valve?

There isn't a valve. I can't find a valve!

-Smithy, darling, what are you like? -Mate, you're so funny.

I'm actually getting a bit claustrophobic, actually.

(HISSING)

Cheers.

We'll build a sand castle shall we?

-(CHUCKLES) -Yeah.

(ALL LAUGHING)

-Well, this is lovely. -Lovely, lovely.

I can't remember the last time we spent a bank holiday on a beach.

-Well, not in this country anyway. -No.

Sorry I took so long. Stacey's rushed off her feet.

(ALL MUTTERING IN RELIEF)

It's a shame she's stuck up there working while we're all down here.

She's got a break in a bit, though. Where's Bryn?

I don't know. Where's he gone?

Bloody hell, Bryn. You look like Daniel Craig.

I know, it's the shorts.

You brave going in there.

You look like you've frozen your bollocks off. Sorry, Gav.

Oh, it's all right once you're in there,

it's getting your shoulders under that's the worse part.

Right, so we've filled out the sand, yeah?

-And then... -Okay, now turn it over. Ready?

And we're gonna lift this up, underneath there's gonna be a castle!

Oh, before we do, I gotta warn you, Neil.

Don't get your hopes up, all right?

Don't have any expectations 'cause it might all crumble before you

and you'll be left with a big pile of sand before you eyes.

Well, no, that's not gonna happen if we give it the special tap.

Well, yeah, you give it a special tap.

Of course you do. It goes without saying.

All right, so I'll give it a special tap, right? One, two, three.

And then Mummy gives it a special tap.

And then the three of us all together.

All three of us give it a special tap, ready?

One, two, three, look!

(EXCLAIMS)

-You all right, mate? -Yeah, yeah, I'm good.

-Go after him. -What?

Go and talk to him.

-What about? He's all right. -No, he's not.

He's clearly upset about his... (MOUTHING)

What? You know, it might be better coming from you.

No, I can't talk to him about man's things. About (WHISPERS) sperm.

Well, I'm not gonna talk to him about sperm.

Why? That's what the problem is, sperm.

-Well, I'm his dad and I don't want to. -Exactly. He is your sperm.

He's made from your sperm.

Can we please stop saying the word "sperm"?

All right... Essence, whatever.

It's all right here, innit, eh?

Yeah, it's nice.

I wouldn't mind waking up to this every morning.

Yeah.

I'll be all right, you know, all this.

It will.

'Cause it's not, like, out of the question

-you and Stacey to be able to... -But it is, Dad.

What? They told you something different now, have they?

-Right. -No, but it's not looking good.

-So then there's still a chance. -A really small chance.

Yeah, but you're moping around like it's all been decided.

Like that's it. I mean, look at your Uncle Vinny.

You remember Vinny?

-The one with the internet... -The internet thing, yeah.

Well, he... He was told he couldn't have kids.

-He got four, ain't he? -Exactly. By three different women.

I mean, he's not allowed to see 'em now, of course.

-Hmm. -The point is they're not always right,

-the doctors what they tell you. -I know, but they might be.

And if they are, then you look at the alternatives,

sperm donors, adoption...

But you don't just give up on the whole thing.

I just feel like I've let everyone down, you know?

Like who for Christ sake?

-You and Mum. -Oh, don't be silly.

I do. I know she's not saying anything

but I saw how upset she was when I told her.

You and her, you'd make brilliant grandparents.

Oh, come here.

One thing at a time, yeah?

It's just so many "what if's", Dad.

Exactly. Nothing is decided.

And I'll tell you what.

However upset you think your mum is,

it's not gonna do her image any good being called "Granny".

-She's been 51 for the past five years. -(CHUCKLES)

Hiya. All right?

Gav, I finished!

Marco's gone home with the dog. Nino's come down. He said I can go!

Excellent. Then Gino didn't say anything?

No, he wasn't bothered. Should we go to the fair?

Yes, I heard that. I'm coming.

-Bryn, you want to come? -What, the fair?

(EXCLAIMS) Oh, no chance. No way. Not on your nelly.

-Why not? -Smithy, no self-respecting resident

of Barry Island would be seen dead at that fair.

-Why? -Oh, don't start, Bryn, nobody died.

You just won't go there 'cause of the ghost train.

That's got nothing to do with it, Gwen.

Trevor left him on there once when they were little.

Round and round he was going, couldn't get out.

-Well, I'm going. -Me, too.

Come on, then, Uncle Bryn can look after the stuff.

No, I've changed my mind. I'm coming.

GAVIN: Oh! Oh, no. SMITHY: Hey, hey.

To the fair! A one, two, three, four.

(PENCIL FULL OF LEAD PLAYING)

It was just a shock that's all. I didn't expect to see him there.

Oh, don't start, Dave. I didn't know he was comin', all right?

Yeah, well, how do you think I felt turning up

and seeing you two on the dodgems?

You know I loves the bumper cars.

Oh, don't make it sound like I was doing something wrong.

You'd gone for gas. What was I supposed to do?

-...and fathered a child with. -I'd rather get in a dodgem...

You just keep making there's nothing going on.

-Like I'm making a fuss of nothin'. -But you weren't there...

He's always turnin' up being loud and Cockney doin' his robots!

I gotta be civil to him. He's the mother of my...

-The father of my child. -For God's sake, Ness.

We getting married in three weeks. When you gonna start putting me first?

Don't be a twat, Dave.

Sorry to disturb but are you gonna stay?

'Cause we're having a little barbecue, we are.

Well, that depends.

Look, I'm not gonna say nothing, all right?

-I'm not gonna kick off... -No, not you.

-It depends what type of barbecue it is. -How do you mean?

Are we talking burgers and sausage in a long-life bun?

-Or are you takin' it serious, like? -I'm not sure what...

I'm talking chicken breast, seafood, rib eye steaks, spare ribs, lamb kebabs.

What about side orders? Potato salad, coleslaw.

-What you gonna marinade? -Well, I think we can...

I'm not sure you thought this through, Gwen.

Well, I know we're getting the meat from Dick. Dick Powell.

(SPEAKING WELSH)

Ah, now, that's definitely sausage.

''Sosej'' I know is ''sausage.'' That's a given.

I think he also said something

about stakes, prawns, and possibly a kebab.

Well, I know that. I can see what he's got in his box, Bryn.

I'm just worried about where it's come from.

It looks like it's fallen off the back of a lorry.

(LAUGHS) No, Mick.

It's not fallen off the back of a lorry. It's been stolen.

Dick's brother, Rick, works in a slaughter house in Llanelli.

Isn't that right, Dick? I'm telling Mick about Rick.

-(SPEAKING WELSH) -Why're you shouting at him?

It's the only way I can get through.

Anyway, Rick helps himself to a few little bits and bobs,

then gives them to Dick.

He then sells them around the back alleys.

He's being doing it for years. It's totally legit.

And the thing is, it's incredible value.

These steaks are 87 pence.

Well, that is good, 87 pence for a steak?

No, no, not 87 pence each, 87 pence for three.

(ALL CHATTERING)

I love barbecues.

I mean, I just love barbecues.

-I know. -I mean, this...

This is one of the finest inventions since...ever.

I use 'em all the time. I can't get enough of 'em.

I got a stack of my own, downstairs toilet.

Take 'em to work with me sometimes.

Like the other day at your mum's in the garden,

fried one up, cut the sausages, bit of bread, lovely.

When you're done with it, chuck it away.

-Very environmentally friendly. -Oh, don't start.

-But it's not, is it? -Right, okay.

Well, let's all buy a Prius and have a shit in the woods.

Well, here's one you'll know.

# And if a double-decker bus

# Crashes into us

# To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die

# And if a 10-tonne truck

# Kills the both of us

# To die by your side

# Well, the pleasure, the privilege is mine

# Oh, there is a light and it never goes out

# There's a light and it never goes out

# There's a light and it never goes out #

(ALL LAUGHING)

(SMITHY HUMMING)

-Is he all right? -He's out for the count, love.

I'll keep an eye on him, don't worry.

Right, everyone, I think these prawns are ready to roll.

-Doris, you stay there. I'll get yours. -Aye, go on, love.

-A bit of everything, yeah? -Yeah.

What doesn't get eaten, we can stick in the bin.

You warm enough? 'Cause I can go get a blanket.

No, I'm fine, love.

Hey, I'll tell you what we need. One of those outdoor heaters.

-Have you seen those, Mick? -Yeah, I have.

They're phenomenal. They keep you warm even when you're outdoors.

-Yeah, well, Pete and Dawn have got one. -Yeah, a table-top one.

Pete sticks it on when he sleeps in the shed.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I'll tell you where there's a good one. That O'Neill's in Loughton.

Well, if you're right under it...

-It's too warm. -It makes you sweat.

Yeah, Deano was under it all night. He was outside chainin' it,

people bringing him drinks. He actually got burnt

on the back of his neck. Sunburn.

-Had to put after sun on. Aloe vera. -BOTH: Hello, Vera.

-(LAUGHS) -(MOBILE PHONE BEEPS)

-I worry about that boy, you know. -We all do, Mick.

But I tell you that is the one only singular good thing

to come out of the smoking ban.

The advancement in outdoor heating.

This is all very mysterious, innit? Texting me?

Yeah, I know. Just haven't seen you today. Not properly.

Fancied a little cwtch.

-I had a good chat with Dad today. -Did you? What'd he say?

Oh, you know, just telling me not to worry.

-Saying it'll be all right and that. -Well, he's right, isn't he?

I think what we should do is, we should set a date.

Like, say, the end of the year, and not do anything till then.

-How do you mean? -Well, we'll keep trying

and if nothing's happened by then...

Then we'll just have to accept it ain't gonna.

And start lookin' into adoption and things?

Yeah.

Okay.

It's ever so sad, isn't it?

Yeah.

Oh, my God. Dave's talking to Smithy.

So I just wanted to clear that air about it, that's all.

-Yeah, whatever, it's fine. -Just leave him now, Dave, okay?

You've said your piece. Now let the man eat his food in peace.

-No, I'm just sayin', that's all. -And I'm sayin' it's fine.

-Everything all right? -Everything's fine.

'Cause we'd be getting married...

In three weeks. Yeah, you keep sayin'.

And I know that what happened between you meant nothing to her or to you.

BOTH: If anything did happen.

So let's just draw the line under the whole thing

-and move on now, shall we? -Yeah.

Can I eat my sausage now?

No hard feelings, yeah?

Well, I can't believe it.

In three weeks, you're going to be married, eh, Ness?

-I know. -I love a wedding, me.

-Me, too. -I know, it's really lush.

And you should see Ness' dress.

It's absolutely mesmerisin'.

Don't tell me any details now. Don't want to jinx it.

And Jason's coming over, Pam? I can't wait to see him.

Oh, little gay, Jase.

Is he still all right to stay with you, Bryn?

Yes, all sorted. The sofa's got his name on it.

Everything okay now, is it, then?

With you and him and all that fishing trip nonsense.

A toast to the happy couple.

-(ALL AGREEING) -Nessa and David.

ALL: Nessa and David.