Original subtitles

(PHONE RINGING)

-Hiya. -Hiya. It's me, Stacey.

-I know. -Oh, my God. How's it going?

-What's it like? -I've literally just sat down.

I said goodbye to you 35 minutes ago.

Have you met anyone yet? What are they like?

Oh, my God. Are there girls? Are there girls everywhere?

-They'll be all over you. -Don't be silly.

It's just new territory for me, babes.

I'm failing to establish my emotional boundaries

and allowing my latent insecurities to manifest themselves and...

Babe, you've got to stop reading Psychologies magazine.

I know. I sound like a knob. It's just sometimes...

Stace, I've been at work for 11 minutes. I promise I'll call you at lunch, okay?

-Okay. I love you. -I love you, too.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Gavin. Huw Davies.

-Welcome to Cardiff. -Mr Davies. Good to see you again.

Please, call me Huw.

Now, is this your first office of your own?

-Yeah, it is. -Excellent news.

I tell you what.

Call maintenance and get them to stick this on your door.

-It's a big moment. -Oh, cheers. Thanks.

Now, I'll take you around in a bit. Show you what's what and who's who.

-Did you get your welcome pack? -Yeah, I think so.

Excellent news. (PHONE RINGING)

Right. Get that. It could be important.

Phone system. Real easy.

Bom, bom. And then, line one.

Go.

-Gavin Shipman. -Hello, my little prince.

-Hiya. Look... -How's it going, darling?

-Are people being nice to you? -I can't really talk right now.

Oh, my God. They're victimising you. You are the victim of a victimisation.

-Gavin, get out. Run home, now. -Mum, everything's fine.

-It's my mother. -Oh.

I'm just with my new boss.

Oh, my Christ. What's he like? Is he bald?

What? No. Look, I'll call you at lunch or after work.

When it's not on the company's time.

All right. Well, call me on the...

-Sorry about that. -Hey, listen.

Everyone has to take a personal call once in a while.

And when it family, it's family.

Now, your fire exit and what have you.

Very simple. In the event of a fire, my motto is...

-Run for your life? -No.

Go to your nearest assembly point.

(PHONE RINGING)

Right. You're on your own with this one. Go for it.

-Hello, Gavin Shipman. -You all right, mate?

It's my dad. Dad, I'm actually with my boss.

Oh. Apologies. Send him one. Call me later.

Cheers. See you.

I'm so sorry about that. It's just, you know, with the move down here...

Listen, I completely understand.

And a family phone call, once in awhile, from a relative or relation is...

Now, chain of command on this floor.

There's Joyce, then Terry, then Owain. (PHONE RINGING)

-Gavin Shipman. -Gavlar!

All right. Ready when you are.

Excellent news. Okay, let's show you round.

(PHONE RINGING)

I'm just gonna leave that there.

(BABY CRYING)

Oh, Neil.

(BABY CRYING)

It's me, Vanessa.

Your mother.

(BABY COOING)

What's wrong?

I'll be there now, babes. All right?

(BABY COOING)

-Done you a tea. -Oh, cheers.

-What time you in work? -12:00.

I'll drop you off. I got to go to the Cash and Carry,

-pick up those paper plates. -Tidy.

I've been looking at this list.

You sure you're not taking on too much, cooking all this food?

It's not that much. Read it out.

-Cheese and pineapple. -Already done it.

Just got to do the pineapple.

-Sausage rolls. -Gwen's doing that.

-Sandwiches. -Gwen.

-Pasties. -Gwen.

-Quiche. -Gwen.

-Drumsticks. -Gwen.

-Wings. -Not doing them.

-Spicy wings. -Gwen.

-Dips. -Gwen.

-Salad. -Doris.

-Scotch eggs. -Gwen.

Cracking. Well, what about desserts?

Dave, man. Give me a break. I'm your fiancee.

Got enough on my plate as it is.

I'm christening my son, I've got two jobs

and I'm living in a caravan.

And it's Gav's first day. I haven't even rung him yet.

I tried him. He didn't pick up.

Talk to Bryn about the afters.

He's got all sorts kicking round in our freezer.

Probably even got a Black Forest left over from Christmas.

Cor, someone needs changing.

No. He's fine. It's my feet.

-So, this is the first one, okay? -Okay.

-Did you speak to Gav yet? -Yeah.

I think he was a bit off with me, to be honest.

Was it wrong to send a balloon?

No, love. It's only a bit of fun.

And this is the second one.

I think I prefer the first one.

Oh, I knew you'd say that. I like this one best.

Oh, it's up to you, love. It's whatever you feel most comfortable in.

Yeah. It's up to me, it is. It's what I feel most comfortable in.

Well, the thing with black is it goes with so much.

Mmm-hmm. I've got three interviews altogether now.

Hey, I was thinking,

why don't you talk to Andrew about getting your old job back?

No. Closing down, apparently, 'cause of the depression.

-Recession. -Yeah. The credit thing.

So what I'm gonna do is I'll hang on to both jackets,

then if I get one of the interviews I'll only take one jacket back.

-Keep the other as a treat. -Yeah. Wear it on Sunday.

Nice one, Gwen.

Oh, my God. I just called you Gwen.

(GIGGLING)

He just hung up on me, Pam.

Treating me like

like a common dog. A mutt.

Darling, he didn't.

It's his first day. He was off with me on the phone.

I don't know who he is any more, Pam.

He's changed. He's gone and I'm here, bereft.

I know, darling. I know exactly how you feel.

No, you don't. You've got Mick. I've got no one.

-I'm all alone. -Well, what about Lucy?

She's on some student exchange thing dicking around the Dordogne.

She's got no credit. I can't even text her.

Now, Smithy. Listen to me.

You have got to pull yourself together, darling.

-You've got to throw yourself into work. -I ain't got no work, have I?

No one's got any money.

Still waiting for Mick to give me the go-ahead on the extension,

I've got Deano giving it all there in my ear,

going on about his child maintenance.

Got this christening on Sunday I'm supposed to fork out for.

My life's falling apart, Pam.

-Hiya. -Argh.

God, not this again, you two.

He is struggling, Mick, to come to terms with the loss of Gavin.

Gavin's not dead, Pam.

Three days running, I've come home to this. Tears at the table.

You are so cold, Michael.

You are cold-hearted, Mr Shipman.

Oh, please don't argue, please.

Your only son has emigrated abroad to another country,

and you couldn't care one jot.

You couldn't care a J-O-T-E.

I do care. I miss him. I do.

I just think we got to get on with our lives

instead of sitting around here moping.

Look, Smithy. We would like you to do the extension.

Seriously? 'Cause if I order materials...

Do the bloody extension.

And what you doing home anyway, Pam?

Shouldn't you and Dawn be rehearsing. The heats are in three weeks.

It's off. Dawn and Margaret have had a fight.

-Why? -'Cause Margaret

wouldn't wear the costume. She said it was degrading.

Costume? What are you on about?

Me, Dawn and Japanese Margaret

were going to enter Britain's Got Talent.

-Doing what? -A medley of songs from Miss Saigon.

I was just thinking, you know. I might still enter on my own.

All That Jazz, from Chicago.

What's happening on Sunday? Who's taking who?

Well, I'm taking Mum and Rudi.

So, I've got two spaces if you want to jump in with me.

No, it's all right, darling. We'll go down on our own.

But if I'm not driving, I can have a couple of drinks.

And if he's got two spaces...

Yeah, but we don't want to get in his way. Do we, Mick?

-Him and his sister and his mum. -No, they won't mind.

See? And you and Cath can have a little catch up.

No, I think it's a great idea.

Take one car. Save on the petrol. Do our bit for the carbon footprint, eh, Pam?

That's jazz!

And the surprising thing about Teddy is, although he doesn't look it

he is, in fact, our nominated first aider.

Huw?

Ah. Now here's somebody you've not met yet.

Owain Hughes. Owain heads up the website.

Hi. Nice to meet you. Gavin Shipman.

Owain Hughes. And before you ask, no, I don't.

Hey, we have a little seven-a-side, on a Thursday, if you fancy joining us.

Oh, yeah. Right. I'd like that.

I mean, it's nothing too serious.

You know, at the end of the day, it's just touch rugby but some of the guys...

Oh, sorry. I thought you meant football. (CHUCKLES)

-No. We play rugby. -Rugby, it is.

(KNOCKING ON GLASS)

Gavin! Gavin, he won't let me in.

-I wanted to surprise you. -Oh, God.

-I brought you a packed lunch. -Bryn, I don't need a...

I'm sorry. This is my uncle-in-law.

This is Bryn.

-Hello. -Hi.

Bryn, this is Huw Davies, my boss, and our website manager, Owain Hughes.

Owain Hughes? And do you?

No, I don't.

Now, I wasn't sure what you'd like.

So, I've done you a selection of sandwiches.

A smorgasbord. You've got cheese and pickle,

cheese and ham, cheese and tomato, and just cheese.

Take your pick. A bit of everything.

Look, don't stay out there, Bryn. Come on in, man.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want to disturb him on his first day.

Do you know what? Looking in this window, now,

it's like watching an episode of The Apprentice.

I feel like Sir Alan Sugar. Very clever man.

Gavin, you're fired!

You're not, really. I don't have that sort of power.

I'll see you Gav, Huw, Owain.

-Yeah, Bryn. -See you.

Mr Shipman. Parcel for you.

-Just arrived. -Oh, thanks.

Open it, then.

It's from my wife.

So what I'll do is, I'll keep the both jackets

then if I get one of the jobs, I'll only take one jacket back.

-Keep the other as a treat. -And you can wear it on Sunday.

That's exactly what Mum said.

Oh, my God. Where's Neil?

-The baby? -Yeah.

(BABY COOING)

Aww, there you are.

-It's easier for me to smoke. -Ah, right.

So, how's it all going with Dave? Living together and that.

Oh, you know. He's got his faults and I've got mine.

It just magnifies when you live in a caravan.

How're you finding it with Gavin in my old room?

Oh, I absolutely love it.

I wake up in the morning and think, "Lush. I'm in Barry."

I just hope Gav likes the job so we can stay and get our own place.

The thing about relationships, Stace, is it's all about give and take.

-Sometimes you gives. -And sometimes you take.

That's my problem with Dave. I only want to give.

And he's fed up of taking.

Right, I've got to clean the grabbers.

Come on, Neil. Follow me.

I didn't know you could win an iPod on the grabbers.

Where's it say you can win an iPod?

Well, you can see it there. It's...

Use your eyes, Stace. What do you actually see?

-An iPod. -No.

It is an iPod box and that is what you win.

I'm sick of saying it.

Know what he done?

-What's his name again? -Owain Hughes.

"And before you ask, no, I don't."

Right. Am I being thick? 'Cause I just don't get that.

-Me neither. -They say Bryn found it funny.

-Yeah, they all did. -See, I'm good at jokes.

I'm the creator of some of Billericay's biggest jokes.

-You are Billericay's biggest joke. -Shut it, you slag.

-No, you shut it, you slag. -You slag.

-You slag. -You slag.

-You slag. -No, you slag.

-You slag. You slag. Shut it, you slag. -Slag.

Hiya. Can I have a large cod and chips, two battered sausages

chicken and mushroom pie, can of Shandy Bass and a Cherry Tango.

-You with Deano? -No.

-Rudi? -No.

What? Is all that food for you?

Yeah, but I'm having some now as an afternoon snack,

some for my dinner and some for my supper.

Can I have them two?

So what's happening with your mum? Is she coming on Sunday or not?

Well, she claims she is, if she's not having an off day.

-Well, that's good, isn't it? -Eh, it's just...

It's the first time she's gonna meet Nessa and Dave's gonna be there and,

you know, after everything that happened at Christmas...

Like what?

Nothing. Listen, I've got to pay so... Yeah. I'll see you later.

Yeah. See you.

Stace!

...Merthyr Tydfil. And that sunshine will certainly help to ripen

David Lloyd's tomatoes in Cwmbach.

Further west, a little bit of...

...almost every town and city in Wales.

(SPEAKING WELSH)

-Gavlar! -Hiya!

Oh, I can't do it, can I?

I'm trying to do the robot so you won't feel homesick.

Oh, baby. That's so sweet. Come here.

You're so lovely.

-Do you prefer sex in Barry or in Essex? -What?

'Cause I think I prefer it in Essex.

Right, but we did it last night so are you saying I'm worse in bed in Barry?

No. I just mean I think it's sort of dirtier in Essex

'cause your mum and dad are only in the next room.

But here my mum isn't bothered. She's heard me have sex loads of times.

And Ness.

Mum! We were supposed to leave 10 minutes ago.

-You been to bed? -No.

-Mum, you got any Nurofen? -Aye, Rudi. In the drawer.

So you're obviously not coming.

Yeah. I'm ready.

You're not coming like that.

(BURPING)

-I am. -It's a christening.

It's your nephew's christening.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Hang on.

What?

Just seeing if I can find someone who gives a shit.

Right. I'm ready.

I'll do me make-up in the car.

Bring me an Anadin, Ruth.

I knew this would happen.

It won't be Smithy that's held them up. It'll be her. Hah!

Well, there's no point getting worked up.

We're gonna be together in that car for four hours.

Nine hours.

Four hours there and four hours back. That's nine hours, Michael.

No, it's not. It's eight hours.

-Four and four is eight. -Oh, tomayto tomahto.

I just don't want to be stuck in the car with her.

-Why? -Because she plainly doesn't like me.

And quite frankly, I can't stand her.

And before you say anything, it's got nothing to do with her epilepsy.

It's narcolepsy, Pam. A very mild form of narcolepsy.

So she says. I'd have narcolepsy if I drank three bottles of wine a night.

-Be nice. -I will be nice.

I'm sitting in the front.

Pamlar, Micklar. Your carriage awaits.

You're in a good mood.

My son is being made a Christian, Pam,

which guarantees he will not burn in hell.

Unlike you, Michael Shipman, who is definitely destined for the flames.

Hi, Rudi.

I've got to sit in the front, if you don't mind.

I'll puke if I go in the back.

That's all right, darling. I prefer it in the back, anyway.

-Cath! -Hello, Pammy. Come on. Get in.

-We'll have a good catch-up. -Lovely.

(DOOR BELL RINGING)

-Hiya, Dor. -I'm early, I am, Gwen.

-Oh, come on in. -I will if you don't mind.

I've been ready for six hours.

Just scratching around in there, all on my tod.

Oh, you should've said.

-Shit. You've been busy. -Just a few bits and bobs.

-Have you got the salad... -Oh, this effing salad, Gwen.

Look, I haven't done it. I'm not doing it. End of.

-Why? -Because I can't be arsed.

People don't want it, Gwen.

They want filling up. Pies, pasties, this cheap crap.

I mean, I don't even know why I offered.

Why did I offer to help someone

who's owed me £6,500 since 1992?

She is paying you back, Dor. Fair play.

A pound a week, Gwen.

What does she take me for? A fool?

I'll be 140 by the time it's repaid.

Well, look, Dor. I'll do the salad then.

No. Why should you?

You're defeating the object. Now, just leave it.

Let her come up to me, as she undoubtedly will, and say,

"Oh, Dor. Where's the salad?"

And I'll say, "Oh, fatty. Where's my cash?"

-Hiya. -Hi.

-All right, Doris? -No. I'm crabby, I am, Gav. Moody.

I've just ripped into Nessa for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

-That time of the month, Stace. -Ooh.

Do you renounce the works of the devil? Yes, sir. I do!

Gwen, I've been reading the order of service for the christening.

And I'll tell you what. It's very dramatic.

-It's like being in an opera. -Is it?

Anyone want any toast?

-No. -No, I'm all right, Gav.

No, seriously. As a godfather,

if anything should happen to Ness, David or Smithy

then I am basically promising, today,

to protect Neil, the baby, from Satan himself.

From Lucifer. From Old Nick.

Good thing I've been down in the gym, eh, Gav? Put 'em up.

Put 'em up!

-Joking, I am. -I'd better get dressed.

Oh. Hey, guys. Come on. Chop, chop!

Oh, we've got plenty of time. Right.

I'm gonna start running this lot down to The Dolphin. Um...

Where's the salad, Dor?

Where's the salad? Where's the salad? There's the salad. Now, leave me alone.

So I said to Dr Choudhary... You know Dr Choudhary, don't you?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, we like him, don't we?

Well, I used to.

So I said to him, "All I'm asking you to do is

"run some checks on me to see if I've got narcoleptic tendencies."

But he wouldn't listen.

No. He said if you were to cut down on your drinking

you'd notice a marked improvement on your ability to stay awake.

-And what'd I say back to him? -Mum, you can't. It's racist.

Well, yes. I did say something, Pam, that I'm ashamed of.

But I told him I wasn't there to discuss my social life but my health.

Right.

So, he did the tests.

E-ven-tually.

-And what were the results? -I don't know.

I was supposed to pick them up on Tuesday afternoon

but I slept right through till 6:00.

Next time we visit this church, you'll be walking down the aisle.

I know. Virgin bride.

-How's all that going, by the way? -Yeah.

I've been looking in to it on the web, like.

I've still got some of Doris' money left over

so come the actual wedding night, I'll be as good as new for you.

-Cracking. -Oh, Ness.

All right, Dad. How's it going, all right?

All right, Ness. How's it going. All right?

Dave, this is Neil. My father.

Dad, this is my friend, Dave.

-Well, fiance. -That's what I said.

And who's this little man, eh?

(CHUCKLING)

This is Neil. The baby.

Neil, this is your granddad, Neil.

I'm glad you could make it, Dad.

I know how difficult it must be for you to show your face around Barry.

I wouldn't miss this for the world. I just got to keep my wits about me.

Shall we?

Do you want to...

Neil Jenkins! Now there's a blast from the past.

All right, Bryn. What's occurring?

Well, you are looking remarkably well. Isn't he, Gwen?

Trying to think when we last saw you.

-'97. At Anna's funeral. -That's it.

-Smithy. -Hey. All right?

Hiya. Sorry I'm late. Hey, there he is.

-Why is he wearing a dress? -I don't know.

All right. Um, everyone, this is my mum, by the way. Cath.

-Hello, Cath. -Hi.

-Rudi, my sister. -Smithy!

-We met at the drive-through. -That's all right, Bryn.

Come sit down with me please, Neil. I'm absolutely exhausted.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I'd better have him with me.

All right. Okay.

Should I sit...

No, you're all right, Smith. You can sit anywhere, I think.

Good morning, everyone.

Let's start with our first hymn. Number 377.

Immortal, invisible, God only wise.

In light, inaccessible,

hid from our eyes.

(ORGAN PLAYS)

And so now, we welcome you,

Neil Noel Edmund Smith

into the family of the Church.

Let's give him a round of applause, everyone.

And in celebration of this joyous event,

Bryn West, Neil's godfather, would like to sing for us all. Bryn?

# The higher you build your barrier

# The taller I become

# The farther you take my rights away

# The faster I will run

# You can deny me

# You can decide to turn your face away

# No matter

# 'Cause there's something inside so strong

# I know that I can make it

# Tho' you're doing me wrong, so wrong

# Thought that my pride was gone

# Oh, no

# There's something inside so strong

# Oh, oh, oh

# Something inside so strong

# The more you refuse to hear my voice

# The louder I will sing #

Hearing Bryn singing like that makes me think I should go solo.

-I mean, if he can do it. -Yeah.

And I honestly believe I've got something

that Simon, Amanda and particularly Piers would want to hear.

Yeah. Well, now that you've come to mention it

you have got a touch of the Susan Boyles about you.

Oh, thanks, darling.

-Congratulations, you two. -Yeah. Lovely service.

Yeah. I picked up the food.

-Cheers, Pam. -Good on you, mate.

And there's a bar over there. So, order whatever you like.

They bring it over to you.

-Oh, very generous. -Yeah, you can have anything.

Beers, wine, vodka, rum. Just tell him what you want and he'll do it for you.

And then just pay him at the till.

-It's not a free bar, though. -It's not a free bar.

Right. Hah!

Congratulations, you two. I hope you'll be very happy together.

-Cheers, Dor. -Cheers.

-Stick it with the others, is it? -Yeah.

I'm not being funny but shouldn't I be doing this? The welcoming bit?

-Congratulations. -Hiya.

-Cheers. -Right. I'll take that.

No, it's not for Neil. It's an engagement present, it is.

What?

Yeah, we thought we'd kill two birds with one stone, like,

and make it a christening-slash-engagement party.

Whoa! Hang on. What's this about a slash? I don't want a slash.

No one told me I was having a slash.

Oh, it's not a big deal. It's just a few...

Yes, it is. I forked out 420 quid for today.

For my son, our son's christening.

I can't see where it's gone, to be honest.

That food's a joke. There's not even any salad.

-What? -Look, it doesn't matter about...

Oh! Doris!

It doesn't matter about the salad...

You're going ahead with it, then? The engagement.

What?

-Yeah. I just said. -No, you didn't.

Yeah, I am. All right?

-You all right? -Yeah. Cheers.

Talk me through the decision with the middle name again.

Noel and Edmund.

Yeah, Noel Edmund.

Well, I wanted to call him after my granddad, Edmund.

Papa Ed.

And she call him after some mate of hers who was in Hear'Say or something.

-Noel. -So that's what we got.

Noel Edmunds. His middle name's Noel Edmunds.

Well, essentially, it isn't Noel Edmunds

'cause essentially there isn't an "S".

-What's the matter. Are you in a mood? -I'm fine.

Just fed up of people saying my son's named after Noel Edmonds.

Can I have a go with him?

Yeah. Go for it.

So, we have really met proper. I'm Smithy's sister.

-Rudi. -Vanessa.

Vanessa. So lovely to meet you.

-I'm Catherine, Neil's mother. -I know.

Yes. Appalling this is the first time we meet.

Don't worry about it. I know how tired you get.

And we did speak that time on the webcam.

Ah, yes. And can I just say again that second time was a genuine mistake.

I honestly thought you were this man called John, from Edworth.

-I would never have exposed... -Oh, Cath. It's fine.

It's nothing I've not seen before.

Right. Everybody, we're going to have a family photo.

BRYN: Everybody, forward. DAVE: Where do you want us, Bryn?

Dave, I want you one side of Ness. Smithy, you on the other.

The little ones at the front and the big ones at the back.

You're the littlest one.

And then if everybody could move in together, please. Bunch in.

Bunch in together. That's it. All right?

EVERYONE: Yay.

Can we have one, now? Me and Gav?

Go on, then. Ness, could Stace have him for a minute?

He's so lush, isn't he?

-Neil, the baby. -Yeah, he is.

-Gav? -Yeah.

-What? -Yeah. Let's go for it.

-Seriously? -Why not? Let's give it a try.

Ready?