Original subtitles

I'm just a bit homesick.

Oh, come on! We cant have this all the time.

-Stacey, can we please just talk about this? -I just want to go home.

Do you mean Barry Island, or you know, Mum and Dad's, where we actually live?

-Oh, grow up, Gav! -Me grow up?

I'm not the one who can't spend more than five minutes away from their family.

Do you want the corn on the cob?

When I look at it there,

all hot and dripping in butter, just... -(SIGHS)

Inviting me in.

I've got a real hankering for it.

Oh, God!

-(PANTING) So, shall we, uh... -Yeah.

Yes! Nessa told me!

D'you think he'll still come to your mum's party?

Oh, he better had.

Bryn's already low on numbers.

I can't believe Smithy hasn't told me when it happened over a month ago!

I mean, we played football last week. Why hasn't he mentioned it.

Did you get my email?

-What? -I sent you an email.

-No, which one d'you send it to? -Your Hotmail.

No, I ain't checked that yet. Hang on. Just opening it now.

It's lush it is, babe.

It's a new-build, two bedrooms, and it's in our price range.

-Really? -Yeah.

And it's got a bit of a garden.

Great, sounds incredible!

It's in Barry.

-I know but... -No, Stace. You've gotta stop doing this.

-We're not gonna live in Barry. -Why?

You know why and I'm not gonna keep going over this every day.

Now, I've got work to do. What you doin' with yourself today?

Nothing, Gav. I'll just be here.

Okay, then, uh, right, I'll speak to you later.

(SIGHS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

I'm sorry, mate. I just hoped I could pretend it never happened.

Why did you do it?

I don't know. It's been a while since I been at the crease.

But you don't even like her, do ya?

No, but she just sucks me in.

She's like a Dyson.

Before you know it, I'm head down, gunning for it.

But I don't understand how it came about.

You weren't even drinking that night.

That's what makes it worse.

So what happened?

(GROANS)

There was this whole thing with corn on the cobs and butter and it just...

-What? She didn't... -No!

-Really? -Yes!

Well don't look so horrified, given what happened in the en suite.

-What is the rule? -What?

What is the rule?

BOTH: That we don't mention the toilet brush.

-And I reckon you've been telling people. -Who?

I dunno. All I'm saying is there's some graffiti on a toilet brush,

in the men's cubicle at the Rose and Crown, which I reckon is aimed at me.

-What's it say? -"Smithy was 'ere."

-(CHUCKLES) -Don't laugh! I had to get rid of it.

Well, what you gonna be like when you see her tomorrow at the party?

(SIGHS)

Is it Gwen's surprise thing this... Oh yeah! Great!

Yeah I need that like a hole in the bollock.

-You gotta come. -What she telling Stacey for anyway?

She told me she won't breathe a word to anyone.

Well, I can see why you did it.

I can't.

(CHUCKLES) He's a lovely lookin' boy.

Not in the conventional sense like Gavin or Enrique Iglesias.

(WHISPERS) But he's got a lovely spirit.

A confidence, if you will, that you rarely find in a fat man.

How's the arrangements coming along?

Oh!

I tell you, I nearly got caught out the other day.

I been thinking it's a mistake, making it a surprise bash.

I'm on eggshells whenever I'm around her.

I jump when the phone rings, I'm terrified that Doris is gonna put her foot in it.

Sometimes I want to say, "To heck with it, Gwen.

"You're havin' a barn dance on Saturday to celebrate your birthday.

"Please try and look surprised."

Because quite frankly Ness, my nerves can't take it any more.

You gotta think how good you'll feel when the lights go on

and she sees all them smilin' faces.

That's if there's anyone's there.

I've had a lot of rejections.

And I gotta be honest, I thought Gwen had more friends.

-Have you invited them all from Swansea? -Yes!

The Uplands Crew, the Mumbles Massive.

But nobody's coming in great numbers.

It's got to the point now where I'm inviting people

I know for a fact she doesn't even like!

Not Jean?

Oh, Bryn.

She'll be fine.

Hello?

Hello?

Pam, what are you doin'?

Oh, my Christ.

-I didn't know you were in! -You're eating ham, Pam!

Oh, thank God you came in.

-I crumbled. I'm so weak. -Pam!

No, don't look at me.

-Pam! -I'm disgusting.

Pam, are you really a vegetarian?

Yes, I just...

-'Cause I've seen you, Pam. -What d'you mean?

A scotch egg here, a bit o' bacon there,

putting those regular sausages in the Linda McCartney box.

-I didn't wanna say nothin'... -Do you think ill of me, my child?

No, of course not!

It's just... I get these cravings, you know?

I had four cheeseburgers the other day with Big Fat Sue.

We ate them in a car wash.

Don't beat yourself up, Pam.

Promise me, thou shall speak of this to no-one.

-What you on about? -Swear it!

Forsake me not.

Pam, I don't really understand what you're sayin'.

Just don't tell anyone, all right?

-Hiya! -Hiya love.

-All right, you two? -Yeah!

We're just chewin' the fat, ain't we, Stace?

Stace, you shouldn't wave this under Pam's nose.

You know how she feels about people eating meat.

Bryn's been on the blower all day. Is he all right?

He sounds like this party's giving him a breakdown.

Yes, because he's doin' it all on his own.

But we're gonna get there by 12 and we can help him then, so...

So is Gavin going down with you now?

-Yeah, why? -No, I thought we were all going down together,

about 3 o'clock.

Yeah, 'cause Smithy doesn't finish work till two.

He's sealing Dawn's shower tray in the en suite.

Well, it's the first I've heard of it!

I just presumed he was gonna come down with me.

How am I supposed to get down there then?

-Train? -Well, can't you go on the train?

Oh, great!

-(DOOR CLOSES) -(YELLS) Gav!

Just don't start World War II.

There's enough rows got on in this house as it is.

-What's that supposed to mean? -I'm Just saying...

-What's going on? -It's all right, son. Just a bit of confusion.

-(BOTH TALKING AT ONCE) -What?

What? Hang on! Right, sorry, Mum, what did you say?

No, listen to me a minute!

-Oh, charming! -Pam, stay out of it.

No, you stay out of it!

Look, are you taking me in the morning

or are you going down with them lot in the afternoon?

Well, it's silly taking two cars. We may as well go down later.

Fine, if that's what you want.

-Oh, come on. Don't be like that. -Fine!

It's all right, Gav. It's just the way it is, now.

-What is? -Us.

I'm gonna get the train times.

Stacey!

I can't take much more of this, Mick.

-Why? -It's like living in Hollyoaks.

What you actually knitting there, Ness?

A dress.

Oh! For the baby?

No, for me.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

-Hey! I'll get it. -Crikey, Bryn!

What is wrong with him, Ness? He's been like this for weeks.

-Bryn. Now, I got the keys. -Keep it down!

-What? -Shut up, man!

She's only the other side of that glass.

All right. Cool head now. Here's the keys,

but there's a few housekeeping rules.

-Fire away. -The hall is yours

from 8 o'clock tomorrow morning till the following 1 am.

You must leave it in the same condition as you find it.

There must be no smoking, no narcotics

and no guns.

Outside of that, anything goes.

(WHISPERS) Right. Thank you. And thank the boys at Rotary.

We'll be seein' you tomorrow of course?

It's tricky. Is Doris going?

Well, yes! Why?

She's not returning my calls, Bryn.

I haven't spoken to her for days.

She's rejected me as a friend on Facebook.

I don't know where I stand.

Look, you've got to remember,

Doris is a player.

You should see her outfit.

-She's dressin' to impress, I'll tell you that. -(KNOCK ON WINDOW)

Hiya, Ted! Come in! Come in!

Say, "No".

Do it!

-No. -Oh.

Say "Goodbye".

Goodbye.

-Leave. -Bryn?

Now!

Well, he wasn't very friendly. Is there something wrong with him?

Oh, Gwen, get off the guy's back.

He didn't want to talk to you, deal with it!

Yeah, get over it, Gwen.

Now we gonna have this cup of tea or what?

Well, I'm sorry but there is something funny going on in this house.

(SIGHS)

I'm a mess, Ness.

You gotta keep it together, Bryn.

Less than 24 hours to go.

(SOBBING) I know.

But I'm bein' tetchy. I trust no-one.

It's like bein' in the Big Brother house.

-(PHONE RINGS) -I got it.

-No, you're okay. -I said I got it!

Hello.

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

-Hiya. -BRYN: Are you at the station?

Right, your mother will be meeting you any second now

and I cannot stress to you enough how she must be kept away at all costs.

Yeah. And I don't want you bein' late,

'cause I don't want her wanderin' round getting wind of what's going down,

people chatting to her and what have you,

because this is the talk of the town.

Do you understand? Are you sure?

Right, I gotta go, I got another call coming in.

Hello?

Jean!

Yes, yes, we're all looking forward to seeing you, yes!

But I must warn you, any nonsense and you'll have to go.

Well, then you'll be forcibly removed.

Yeah, I've gotta go, Jean.

You see that is what I mean, that is rude.

(STACEY SQUEALS)

Hello, stranger! Welcome home.

Happy birthday! I got your present in my bag.

Oh, that's nice.

-Do you want to get a taxi or shall we walk? -Walk, shall we?

Yeah.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Smithster!

(BOTH SINGING) ♪ You've got to hold and give but do it at the right time

♪ You can be slow or fast but you must get to the line

♪ They'll always hit you and hurt you

♪ Defend and attack

♪ There's only one way to beat them and that's around the back

♪ So catch me if you can 'cause I'm the England man

(HUMMING INDISTINCTIVELY)

Oh, what is it? Come on, what is it?

(HUMMING INDISTINCTIVELY)

♪ Three lions on my chest You know we can't go wrong

♪ We're singing for England

♪ EN-GER-LAND ♪

Bra bra bra-bra-bra...

Brap brap brap brap! Boo! Boo!

-What time we leavin'? -Around fourish?

-You eaten? -Just some crunchy nuts.

-You want some more? -You having some?

-Don't mind if I do. -ALL: Don't mind if I don't!

(ALL LAUGHING)

There you are, love.

Did you want some lunch or something?

Maybe. What you havin'?

Oh, I don't know.

-An omelette maybe? -I wouldn't mind an omelette?

BOTH: Yeah.

-All right, Stace? How's it goin'? -Hiya!

Got any batteries, Gwen?

I don't know, what sort you need?

-Two double A's. -I don't think I have.

I'll take 'em out the remote, then. If you don't mind.

You can have 'em back in ten.

-What you doin'? -Just havin' a bit of me time.

Any news on the job or the flat?

Not really. It's gettin' me down a bit to be honest.

Oh, is it, love? I thought you seemed a bit low.

I think I'm just missin' home, I am.

It'd be all right if I had a job.

I know. It must be ever so hard.

I'm with Pam all day. And, oh she tries her best.

We go fencin' and karate and stuff

but all I seem to do is sit around waitin' for Gavin to come home.

I just feel a bit useless.

Oh, come on now.

You made the decision to live up there. You gotta give it time.

But I don't think I did. I just went along with it.

It was never even an option, living down here. Gavin wouldn't talk about...

Cheers for that, Gwen. I didn't need it in the end, as it goes.

So what's occurring, Stace?

She's not feelin' too good.

Oh, no, I'm fine. Really, I am.

Did you tell her about the card?

-No! Guess who I got a card from this mornin'? -Who?

-BOTH: Jean! -No!

Yes! The cheek of the woman!

I put it straight in the bin and I thought,

"If I ever see that evil witch again, God knows what I'll say."

Best thing you can do is to just go up, be polite, give her a kiss.

A kiss? A kiss!

I didn't kiss her when we were doing it! I've never kissed her!

Bloody hell, Smithy, your life!

Well, maybe you're meant to be together.

-Oh, do me a favour! -Well there's obviously an attraction there.

No, there isn't. Is there, Gav?

No. I can honestly say, there is no attraction between him and the mother of his child.

Well, a sexual connection then.

You've obviously got a sexual connection.

Loose connection more like.

-(LAUGHING) -I haven't got any money for the bridge. You got any cash?

Yeah. I got a couple of quid.

-Don't they take cards? -Nah, cash only.

What? Who doesn't take cards nowadays?

It's ridiculous. Everywhere takes cards.

Drive-throughs, Nando's, if it's over a fiver.

-They take cards on the M6 toll. -Do they?

Well, I've got three quid and a bit of shrapnel. How much is it?

Five pound ten.

BOTH: Five pound ten pence!

I mean, why don't they make it either five or six?

All right, Ness?

All right, Dave? You're lookin good.

Cheers. What are you drinkin'?

-A Capri Sun. -Maybe I'll join you.

Maybe you should.

Maybe I will.

I've said to people that 7.45 is the cut-off.

She's getting here at eight so if you can't be here by quarter to,

then leave it until quarter past.

That way there'll be no shenanigans.

No danger of her bumping into anyone in the car park or what have you.

What in God's name is Jean doin' here, Bryn?

She just staggered in.

I know. I invited her, all right?

What? You dickhead.

Doris, I was low on numbers. I had no choice.

Well, I hope to God Gwen hasn't had a drink when she sees her,

'cause there'll be all hell to pay.

Doris, please don't stress me out. I'm a nervous wreck as it is.

We'll just have to keep them apart.

Oh, chillax, Bryn. Get a beer down you.

I'm not gonna stir things up.

(SIGHS) Thanks, Dor. I appreciate it.

Jean!

-Oh, my God, look at you! -Nice outfit, Bryn!

Howdy pardners!

Welcome to the ho... I can't do the accent, Pam.

It's this get-up.

I feel like I want to be called Tex.

Well, you look lovely, darling!

All it is, right, I put it together myself, it isn't hired.

I bought the hat, this is just a big hanky and these...

These are just a pair of denim jeans, Mick.

I feel like a member of Bewitched .

-So where are the boys? -They're just outside.

What?

-What you think you're doin'? -All right, Bryn?

Hey, it's Woody from Toy Story!

Don't get smart with me, Columbo.

What if Gwen and Stacey should go by now and see you two stood here? Eh?

-BOTH: What? -Get inside. Now!

Come on!

-Have I got time for the loo? -No!

Bloody hell, Bryn!

Look, no one is going to ruin this surprise, all right?

Bryn, you gotta calm down, mate, you'll give yourself a heart attack.

(YELLING) Ted! What the hell are you doing? Get in here!

Oh, sorry, I'm late.

Right...

If anyone is expecting friends,

-would you please phone them and explain... -(MOBILE BEEPS)

What it was, they've closed Plassey Street, see,

and there's no diversion and I was bursting...

-Oh, Lord, they're here. -I mean I know...

Right, everybody, into position. Doris, lights. Band, stage.

-Ted! Please be quiet. -(TED CONTINUES JABBERING)

Everybody stand still, nobody make a sound!

(SCREAMS) Ted! Shut up!

-Shh! -Bryn.

Jesus! Look at the size of that.

Well, she is six months pregnant.

Yeah, but come on, that's ridiculous.

She's lookin at me, she's looking right at me.

-So? -Shit.

-Shh! -(DOOR OPENS)

ALL SCREAMING: Surprise!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

(SCREAMING) Surprise! Surprise!

Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!

(SCREAMING) Surprise!

(SCREAMING) Yes!

Get this on, birthday girl!

AMERICAN ACCENT: You're havin' a barn dance.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, thank you ever so much!

What the hell is Jean doin' here?

Okay, is everybody happy with that?

I'll give you two minutes to sort yourselves out.

I'm never gonna get the hang of this, Mick.

Yes, you will! Of course you will.

It's in, out, walk, walk, walk.

In, out, walk, walk, walk.

-Are you all right with that now, Dor? -Yes.

And are you partnered up?

Oh, Ted, for Christ's sake, change the record.

You're just needy man.

-I was only askin'. -You were only askin'.

You're only pokin' me every day on Facebook.

You're only followin' me round Cost Cutters, or Lidl. What ever.

-It's just... -No. We were never exclusive.

And I don't need this heavy shit. So, shut up and show me the moves.

Sorry, Pam.

Mick, what am I gonna do about that?

Well, you could try calling her Nessa for a start.

Hmm. But what do I say? You know, how do I play this?

I don't know.

-Oh, come on, you've done this loads of times. -Eh?

Everyone knows you were a dirty dog in your day.

Just play it cool, trigger.

Are you part of this formation or what?

Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry.

Look, just, go up to her ask about the baby,

break the ice, that's all you need to do.

Mick, you're a dream.

Hi.

-All right? -Yeah, I'm good. You?

Yeah. Good.

This is Dave. Do you know Dave?

I don't, no. Hello, mate. Smithy. All right?

-So, is everything all right with... -Yeah. Good.

Great.

Right, well. I'll see you in a bit, then.

And the look on her face when she walked through that door.

She didn't look too happy to see Jean.

Now, this whole Jean thing is getting out of hand.

-Who's Jean? -You know, the one with Mum and the scissors.

What she's here? Oh, my God!

Right! Who's this Dave? What's going on with him and her?

Oh, they're just friends, they are.

I mean, they've always liked each other an' that.

Friends with benefits, I think they call it, Smithy!

Oh, my God. Jean's heading for your mother. Jean! Jean!

Right. I'm gonna do some shots. Want some?

Smithy, are you jealous?

Pff! No.

I feel for the bloke. Couple of sambuccas?

No, we gotta get up early, haven't we, and drive back, so...

All right.

What are you on about? I thought we were staying the whole weekend.

Well, I want to get back really. And so do Mum and Dad.

Great, so I don't get any time with anyone?

You've got tonight. You're seein' everyone tonight, aren't you?

Hardly. I've not even spoken to Ness.

That's not my fault. I would like to spend bit of time at home this weekend.

You've been there all day, Gav. You didn't leave till four.

-God. I didn't realise it was such a big deal! -It is!

-Stay here then. -What?

Stay on here. Don't come back with us.

And you're happy with that, are you?

Well, it's not like you've got anything to rush back for, is it?

Okay, are we all ready?

Gents, put your ladies on your right-hand side.

(MUSIC STARTS)

Jump out...in. One, two, three

and turn, out...in... One, two, three. Right arm.

And the left arm.

Clap to your partner...

Together, right, together, left,

together, right, together, left, and do-se-do.

Swing your partner.

(MUSIC FADES)

Now keep those movements in your minds,

because you're gonna do them again in a minute.

Here's Doris to tell you more about it.

Welcome, Doris!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Now, we've got a special guest for this next number, well, two special guests

who haven't performed together since Judith's funeral in '96.

Let's hear it for Bryn and Nessa!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Thank you very much, everyone.

Gwen, this one is for you.

It was you and Trevor's favourite song and it is dedicated to the pair of you.

And as a footnote to that I'd just like to add,

that I'm not just singing this for you, Gwen, or Trevor.

I was but now I'm singing it for another someone special,

who's come back into my life recently and I wanna thank him for everything he's done.

So this is for you...

Dave.

(MUSIC STARTS)

(SINGING ISLANDS IN THE STREAM )

♪ Baby, when I met you there was peace, I know

♪ I set out to get you with a fine tooth comb

♪ I was soft inside

♪ There was something going on

♪ You did something to me that I can't explain

♪ Hold me closer and I feel no pain

♪ Every beat of my heart

♪ We've got something going on

♪ Tender love is blind

♪ It requires a dedication.

♪ All this love we feel needs no conversation

♪ We ride it together uh-huh

♪ Making love with each other uh-huh

♪ Islands in the stream that is what we are

♪ No one in between

♪ How can we be wrong?

♪ Sail away with me

♪ To another world

♪ And we'll rely on each other uh-huh

♪ From one lover to another uh... ♪

(MUSIC STOPS)

Hello, Jason.

Uncle Bryn.

-So when you going back? -Oh, thanks! I've only just got here!

Oh, you know what I meant!

I know. I was thinking maybe a couple of weeks, if that's all right?

Oh. But I'm not down again till the end of the month.

-Well, maybe I could come up and see you. -Yeah.

Well, I'll have to check with Pam, maybe.

Yes, Gay Jay! Wooo!

I tell you what, I am loving the barn dancing. I'm all over it.

All right, Smithy. Hiya, Gav. How's it going?

I was thinking about you the other day...

We're just heading out for a fag, actually, mate.

-A fag Le Jay, Jean Peterson! Adieu. -All right.

See you in a bit, then.

-So, how are you finding the... -Hang on a minute, Jase.

Well. You could have warned me!

He's my brother! He should be here!

I thought about inviting him, if truth be told.

But I didn't think he'd come.

He's gay. It's a barn dance. Of course he's gonna come.

I know what they're all thinking, I can hear them whispering.

Four times I've heard the words, "Fishing trip".

Oh, now you're just being paranoid!

Nobody even knows about the fishing trip.

That bloody fishin' trip, Bryn.

When's it gonna end, eh? Night, all.

Gav, I need to talk to you.

Yeah?

On our own.

Yeah.

So I have to go, do I? Hideous.

-What's up? You okay? -Not really, no.

Oh babe I'm sorry about before.

You don't really mind going back early, do ya?

Jason was tryin' to talk to you just now and you ignored him.

No, I didn't. I said hello.

And you did say you were gonna come down with me this morning.

You know you did. And for some reason changed your mind.

-Oh, come on. You're overreacting. -Am I?

See. I don't think I am.

'Cause since we got married, my family and my home,

is just not important any more.

-Of course it is. -And I don't think you realise

how much I miss bein' here, Gav. 'Cause I do.

I really miss it, every day.

Aw, come here babe. I'm sorry.

No, I'm pissed off!

I was really looking forward to coming down here tonight. It's all that's kept me going.

But you don't care, do you?

'Cause you've got your home, your family, nothing's changed for you, is it?

When we get our own place it'll be so much easier...

We're not gonna get our own place.

I don't wanna live with Mum and Dad any more.

If we were gonna rent it'd be something.

I don't want to rent and you know that.

-It's just throwing money away. -Throwing money away.

Yeah, you keep telling me that.

I'm just looking ahead, that's all!

Gavin, you're so busy looking ahead

that you can't even see what's happening today, now!

(SIGHS)

What's this all about?

I feel like I'm all on my own.

What?

I'm really lonely.

I think it's better if I stay.

Absolutely! Maybe that's what you need.

A couple of days. Jason's here.

No. I think it's better if I stay here.

I'm sorry, Gav, but I'm not coming back.

Yes, that's what I'm saying. I mean I think it'll do you good

and I'll come and pick you up on Friday...

Gavin, you're not listenin' to me.

I don't want to live there any more.

I'm moving back home.

♪ Tell me tomorrow I'll wait by the window for you

♪ I'll wait by the big house for you

♪ I'll wait by the squeeze box for you

♪ I'll wait by your dresses for you ♪