Original subtitles

See, we have to keep our wedding guest list below 250.

Here's a name we can cross off.

Oh, no, not Uncle Cecil. It wouldn't be an uncle wedding without Uncle Cecil.

Isn't he the one who draws a face on his stomach and then makes his belly button

talk?

Oh, no, that's Aunt Miriam.

Uncle Cecil's the one who shoves paint up his nose and sneezes portraits.

I bet he's very prolific during cold and flu season.

Oh, yeah. That's when he does landscapes.

Steve, I don't see your parents' name on this book.

Oh, I called them in Moscow, and they said they would be busy on our wedding

day.

Busy?

Yeah, as bad luck would have it, their favorite episode of the Mod Squad is

coming on.

Of course, over there it's called Modsky Squad.

Well, I guess that's two less.

Badger fillets we have to pay for.

Oh.

Uh, Laura, there is... something... something else I'd like to bring up.

It's a long -standing Urkel tradition to wait three months before consummating

the marriage.

But, Steve... Okay, okay, okay, you thought me out of it.

Consummating the marriage.

Consummating the marriage.

Hello, are you Steve Urkel?

That was the other guy.

Sorry.

Buzzy?

Meet my honey, Laura Winslow. Laura Winslow, Buzz Conrad. How do you do?

very nice to meet you. Great to meet you.

What in the name of William Shatner are you doing here?

Well, Steve, I have very exciting news. The International Space Program has

chosen you to be the first student in space.

I'm so embarrassed.

Of course, you probably fainted when you found out you were going into space.

No.

During liftoff?

No. Ring entry?

No. You were never fainted? Just once.

When I watched an episode of Homeboys in Outer Space.

So,

why'd you pick Steve?

Well, the space program had a national science contest, and Steve's entry won

first place.

Really? You mean you like the Urkel AGF 5000?

Oh, yeah. The Urkel AGF 5000? Yeah.

AGF stands for artificial gravity field.

You see, I worked up some equations that, in theory, should produce gravity

weightless environment. Steve, we're building a prototype of your invention

right now, and we want to test it in space with you aboard.

I'm the man!

I'm the man! I'm the man!

We'll need you to train in Houston for six months.

I'm not the man.

What? Oh, my sweet... and I are scheduled to be hitched in two months.

Why, we've already booked the caterer, the church, the hall.

I even hired a cheese sculptor to do I Like This in Velveeta. See, we're

in a sea of crackers.

I see.

Excuse us for one minute.

Sir.

Steve, this is a once -in -a -lifetime opportunity.

But, Laura, so is marrying you.

I want to get hitched before you change your mind.

That's not going to happen.

Look, we'll just postpone the wedding until after you return from space.

No wonder I love you so much.

Buzzy?

Tell me.

I'll go on one condition.

What's that?

I get to steer the spaceship.

No.

Pop the horn?

No. Wait the light?

No. I'd shock her?

Do you?

Edward, you are the third generation of Winslow men to graduate from the police

academy.

Son, I have never been more proud of you.

Let me tell you, Dad, I couldn't have had a better role model.

To Eddie.

Man,

this is just fizzy apple juice.

Come on, Laura, why don't you help me with Eddie's cake?

Sure, Mom. Wait a minute.

It's cake in the kitchen, and I'm in the living room. Bye.

Better get in there before it gets strung out on frosting.

Oh, Edward.

Sit down.

I got a present for you. Almost forgot about it. Oh, cool. I hope it's green

with dead presidents on it.

Here you go, honey.

Chocolate marble cake.

Slammy.

You know, this is Steve's favorite cake, too.

Except he likes it with a nice slice of spam on top.

You really miss him, don't you?

Of course. It's been six months.

I can't believe I miss him this much.

It's like a piece of me gone.

Lori, you sound like a woman in love.

He's coming home tomorrow for a couple days before the launch.

We're going to go down to the poker hall and dance the night away.

Now you sound like a woman who's lost her mind.

Edward?

Ever since you told me you wanted to become a police officer, I've wanted to

give this to you.

So here.

A bulletproof vest?

Mm -hmm.

Dad, won't they issue me one of these when I report to duty?

Yeah, but they won't issue you this one.

This is my lucky vest.

See that mark right there?

Yeah, it looks like mustard.

Below that.

Here? Mm -hmm.

Uh, Dad, was this mark made by a bullet?

Yep. A .38 slug. You never told me you were shot.

Well, you were only five when it happened.

It was a simple traffic stop.

Guy was speeding, I pulled him over, asked to see his license, and he pulled

a gun and shot me.

Why?

Well, it turns out he was wanted for murder in another state.

And he thought I made him.

If it wasn't for this vest, I wouldn't be here today.

Wow.

That's deep.

Mm -hmm.

Come on, let me help you try it on.

Cool.

I was keeping Steve.

I thought he was going to be here at 9.

Relax, Laura. It's only 10 after.

God, I thought it was only 5 after.

happy to see me.

Standard issue.

I'm not talking about the outfits.

Welcome back, Steve.

You're looking good.

That's what six months of astronaut training will do for a guy.

Oh, so what's it like in Houston?

Oh, a little hot, humid, way too many June bugs.

No, no, I meant the space center.

seen Steve in six months.

I know.

Tell me about the astronauts you're going up with.

Well, the first guys I trained with, well, they left after a month. The

two guys, they put in for early retirement.

Kind of odd for fellows in their 20s.

So I'm going up with the last guys left.

Colonel Mitch Parker and Major Alan Healy. Oh.

So tell me about your mission.

He goes up, he comes down. Come on.

Bye for kissing me.

Here, let me wipe off your seat.

It's fine.

I am so proud of

you.

Really? Of course.

First student in space.

You're only 21 years old and you're making history.

And to think a year ago I couldn't get a job at Taco Bell.

Well, Laura, what's the matter?

I don't know. I was just thinking.

It took me 15 years to realize how important you are to me.

Now I could lose you.

Nope.

Um, Steve, I want you to promise me something.

Like anything.

I want you to promise me that no matter what, you'll find a way to come back to

me.

I promise, Lylee.

Oh, Harriet, that was a wonderful meal. Oh, it surely was.

Now, you see, Blanche, lasagna doesn't have to be crunchy.

How would you know, dear? You don't chew, you just swallow.

I'm so glad you and the commissioner could make it tonight.

Listen, uh, why don't you and I go in the living room and smoke a couple of

cigars? Oh, commissioner, no, I don't smoke.

How about we drink a little cognac?

No, sir, I don't drink.

Uh -huh. How about we just get away from the women?

Blanche, you have two sons on the force, don't you? Uh, no. Only Cliff became a

cop. Our other son, Cody, chose a different career.

Oh?

He's touring with Beauty and the Beast.

He's the lead bork.

Oh. You must be very proud.

Yes.

Very. And worried.

I used to worry about Cliff, too.

But I made sure that his father gave him a safe assignment.

You did?

Mm -hmm. He put him in charge of evidence lockup, and he records all of

stolen goods that get confiscated.

Hmm. That's interesting.

Not only is Cliff safe, but check out the new watch.

Just kidding. Just kidding.

Harriet, would you like for me to talk to my husband about Eddie?

Oh, I don't know.

Are you sure?

I don't lose any sleep worrying about my son.

Blanche? Yes?

Why don't you go ahead and talk to him about it?

I'll be happy to.

You couldn't ask for a more beautiful morning for this historic launch of the

first student in space aboard the Space Shuttle Explorer.

I've never been more nervous in my life.

Steven's going to be just fine.

This is a very critical stage in the countdown as they complete the fueling

process.

Flight controls have been tested.

Standing by to gimbal the main engine.

Green at the pad.

Hello. Where's Taylor?

It's going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better, son.

The countdown is at T minus one minute and counting.

Uh, wait.

Ladies and gentlemen, it appears that the countdown has been halted.

There must be some complex and highly technical problem.

Hi,

boys.

You'll have to come with me, miss. Don't touch me.

The technical problem has been resolved and the countdown can resume.

The honor of launching Explorer goes to the first student in space, young

Stephen Q. Urkel.

He is prepared for this moment with... Six months of rigorous and intensive

training.

This is Control.

Final ignition sequence ready to commence.

Hydraulic power units activated.

Pressure water system activated.

Launch ignition system on.

You ready, kid?

I was already ready.

T -minus 10, 9, 8, 7.

5 .321.

Come back soon. Thank you.

Hey,

Officer Winslow.

How's it going out in those mean streets, huh? I have no idea.

I've been reassigned, Dad.

What? Yeah, they yanked me off my beat and busted me down to meet a maid.

But why?

I don't know.

They shoved me into a little three -wheel motor scooter, dumped a box of

on my lap, and sent me on my way.

Well, this doesn't make sense.

I mean, I talked to your supervisor yesterday, and he said that you were

great job.

Yeah. Well, today he's got me slapping parking tickets on Yugo's.

Man, can't you help me out on this?

Well, son, I'll talk to Commissioner Geis, but I can't promise anything.

You know, I became a cop so I could protect people from criminals.

Man, this sucks.

Armstrong used to say.

I'm a balloon in the Macy's parade.

Go ahead, kids. Say hello to the world.

This is Mission Control.

Your go for the Urkel AGF -5000 experiment.

Planet is watching.

These tennis balls you see floating in the air around me will serve as a visual

aid. If my machine works, a gravity field will form, and these balls will

right to the floor.

If it doesn't...

Congratulations, kid.

Way to go, Steve.

You've demonstrated what the young minds of America are capable of achieving.

You are the man.

Our computers have analyzed the data from the AGF -5000, Steve, and it's an

unqualified success.

by cracking open a tube of meatloaf paste, and for dessert, we'll have

in a pouch.

Oh, man, I gotta hand it to you, kid.

At first, I thought you were an irritating dweeb.

Turns out, you're an irritating genius.

I love you, man.

Hey, Explorer, this is Mission Control. We've got a little situation here.

What's the matter, Houston?

Well, the AGF -5000 has, uh...

Drawn a satellite off course.

Where's it headed?

Right at you.

And that sucker's booking.

Next time on Family Man.

We can't

re -enter the Earth's atmosphere with a satellite sitting on our back.

You're going to have to send out the nerd.