Original subtitles

have you been oh i took a long walk where to pittsburgh over

28 bucks in tolls who knew they charged pedestrians steve you went on a 400

mile walk what is that power walking for the chronically loopy

that's been gnawing at my belly, and I think we need to talk about it. Oh,

whatever, Steve.

Well, ever since you professed your romantic feelings for me, I feel like

caught in this weird, wacky love triangle.

Steve, I have feelings for you and Stefan.

Well, maybe it would help if I knew what kind of triangle I was in. See, if it's

an isosceles triangle, I got a lot of catching up to do.

If it's equilateral, well, then I'm doing better than I thought.

If it's scaling, oh, just give it to me straight. I can take it.

Steve, believe me, it's as hard on me as it is on you.

Oh, I don't stand a chance.

You and I have never even been out on a real date.

What am I going to do?

Well, here's a fresh thought. Why don't you ask me out?

You're right.

I've been so shocked and amazed that you're no longer repulsed by me that

completely neglected to ask you out.

Well, in that case, Laura Lee?

Yes, Steve?

Would you go out with me this Friday night?

Sorry, I'm busy.

Well, I'd just walk right into that one.

But I'm free Saturday night.

Saturday night, yeah, we'll have a romantic meal at Amore's.

Amore's? That's our restaurant.

I heard there's salmon is to die for.

I hope you choke on a bone, you hag.

And, Laura, I promise you, Saturday night will be the most wonderful night

your entire life.

Oh!

You hear?

I got a date with Laura.

That date will never happen or my name isn't Myra Boutros Boutros Monkhouse.

But the dumbest bank robber of all has to be Leonard Mulford. Leonard couldn't

afford a real gun or even a toy gun.

So he painted his thumb and index finger gunmetal gray.

That's a stupid man.

Dad?

Hey, son.

Guess who scored the highest at the police academy firing range today?

Let me think.

Clint Eastwood?

No!

Check out this grouping.

I'm the best in my class.

Hey, I guess that investment in Super Nintendo finally paid off, huh?

Dad. No, I'm just kidding, son. This is some really fine shooting.

Thanks. I want you to remember, it takes more to be in a cop than putting six

neat little holes in a target.

Oh, I know that, Dad.

A shotgun makes one big hole.

Edward. I know cops.

who've been on the force for 30 years and have never fired their gun on the

Well, maybe they ought to buy some bullets.

Well,

you know, you sound a little too trigger -happy.

You know, I think that you should... Oh, Dad.

Hey, what's for dinner? You know, all this gunplay can make a brother hungry.

Yeah, but if you... I'm a hungry man. I'm a hungry man.

We fail at trashing.

No. Rent it. It's about you.

Have a seat, Steph.

Yeah. I'll get right to the point.

You and I are a lot alike.

We're both gorgeous.

And we're in love with fabulous people.

So?

So... Those two fabulous people are going out this Saturday night with each

other. Steve?

You got it, baby.

And my Laura.

She won't be your Laura this Saturday night.

Uh -uh. No way. Way.

Steve will take Laura home. Oh, no. I don't want to hear any more.

Steve and Laura will sit on the sofa, and you know what Laura's like when she

sits on comfortable furniture.

got to do something.

Here's the thought.

You and I can prevent this tragedy.

How?

You're taking Laura out the night before, right?

Right. All you have to do is make sure Laura arrives home at exactly

1045.

Well, what's going to happen at 1045?

Don't you worry your pretty little head about that.

is that the natural order of the universe will be restored.

And Laura will be mine?

Forever.

Do we have a deal?

I don't know, Myra.

I feel like I'm making a deal with the devil.

Okay, I'm in.

Look, when we graduate, I hope I get assigned to a precinct with a lot of

action. You know, I want to hit the mean streets.

I'm talking shootouts, robberies, car chases, the whole nine.

You know what I'm saying?

I just want a squad car with air conditioning.

Just allow people.

Settle down.

Shut your pie holes.

Cadets, today... we have a surprise guest instructor, Captain Carl Winslow

the 8th Precinct.

Captain Winslow and I were cadets together 22 years ago.

Yeah, back when they taught this class with crossbows.

Well,

moving right along.

Class, up until now, all you've been doing is plain old target practice.

But now we're going to add a new element, the judgment factor.

Sometimes you only have a split second to determine if your target is a good

or a bad guy.

Who'd like to go first?

Why not?

All right.

Vent Winslow to the firing line.

Yes, sir.

Careful, that's a loaded gun.

That's the only kind there is, sir.

All right.

Now, five targets will pop up at random.

You have to use your judgment to determine which ones to shoot.

All right.

Now you're on the night shift.

You get a call to go down to the docks. Are you ready?

Yes, sir. All right.

Stand by the fire.

Good.

Very good.

Look at here, look at here.

I shot all the criminals.

And you also shot an innocent bystander and a hostage.

You know, the whole point of this exercise is to use good judgment, which

failed to do, Cadet Winslow.

Yeah, but that's just cardboard.

That was on a roll.

Zip it, Cadet.

Give me your weapon.

Watch the rest of the class. Perhaps you'll learn something.

Hi, Mom.

What's wrong?

Oh, nothing.

Just that I can't ever show my face again at the police academy, thanks to

Did he show everyone your baby pictures?

Works.

All right, Mom.

We're at the firing range, and I make one little mistake. Dad freaks out and

overreacts like he usually does and takes away my weapon in front of

like I'm a little kid or something.

Well, what mistake did you make?

Eh.

I shot some civilians.

How many?

Well, all of them.

Eddie, you really shouldn't be shooting innocent people.

Ma, they're pictures made of cardboard.

Yes, honey, but they represent people made out of flesh.

I'm sorry, but I have to side with your father on this one.

Oh, come on.

If there was a top ten list of things not to do as a cop, I bet you shooting

civilians would be in there somewhere.

Well, you know, everything was fine until Captain Winslow came down there

strutting his stuff, trying to show everybody what to do, grabbing weapons

stuff. I was minding my own business.

History. Milli Vanilli's staying a better chance of getting back together.

Oh?

Well, maybe you'll change your mind after you see.

Polka music.

I just love this song, don't you?

Well, not really.

Doesn't do diddly for me.

wasn't watching?

I will not let it loose.

You, you wicked, wicked temptress.

Have you no shame?

Nope.

Dancing gives my tummy the grumbles.

Care to join me in...

Dad?

Hey, son.

Sergeant Kerisley said that you wanted to see me.

Yeah, I thought that we'd take another crack at this target shoot.

But it's Saturday.

I mean, wouldn't it be more fun to wait and embarrass me in front of the whole

class? Edward, believe it or not, the last thing I want to do is embarrass

I'm simply trying to say that it's important to use good judgment when

your firearm. And I'm simply trying to say, what's the big deal?

Can we give this a try?

Yeah.

All right, you ready?

Mm -hmm.

He just kills your sister.

Oh, my God.

You know, son, that's why it's important to use good judgment.

When you're out on the street, those will be real people in your line of

not cardboard cut -ups.

And all those people have families and friends.

Dad, I want to be a good cop.

I know you do, son.

And if I didn't think that you had the potential to be a great one, I wouldn't

be so hard on you.

Understand?

Yes, sir.

I understand.

Come on, let's eat some pizza.

Hey, Dad.

If it's cool with you, I'd rather stay and practice.

You would?

Yeah.

Sounds good to me. Cool. Let's do it. All right.

Oh.

Hi.

Oh, hey, Steve.

Hmm. Things seem mighty frosty in that kitchen.

Bye. Bye.

Oh, come on, Laura, tell him. I don't ever want to see your two -timing face

again. Sure, Steve.

Tramp.

Hey, look at that uvula.

Laura, I always thought I was a strong person, but when Myra showed up in that

sexy leader horse and then...

Polka music and string cheese. Well, I just lost all

control.

I went totally hormonal.

Well, Steve, I could understand why you would want to be with Myra. I mean,

let's face it, she's a very pretty girl.

The word is gorgeous, honey.

And I realized something was right, too. Here it comes.

When I saw you kissing Myra, I felt...

And it made me realize that I wanted to give our relationship a chance.

No, no, no!

So you're saying you'll still go out with me?

You bet. Next Saturday night.

Yes! Oh!

Saturday night it is.

I'll be ready.

And Steve?

Yeah? Here's a sneak preview.

This isn't over yet.

Next time on Family Matters. I'm just a little giddy. Tonight's my big date with

Laura.

Laura's been spying on me. That doesn't matter.

For the last time, it's over.

You are not to write me, call me, fax me, anything to me.