Original subtitles

Hello, Steve.

Behold, my latest invention.

Oh, that's nice. Now get it out of here.

Wait.

Don't you at least want to know what it is?

No, get rid of it, then send me a brochure.

Now feast your eyes on the future of living room relaxation.

Now you've heard of the lazy boy.

This is the slug boy.

Steve, please. I've had a hard day.

I'm in no mood for this nonsense.

Well, then put your cushion in this cushion.

Hey, it is kind of comfy.

Yeah.

Comfy's nice.

But convenience is what we're aiming for.

Convenience? That's right.

You don't say.

Located conveniently along the left armrest is your very own handy -dandy

popcorn dispenser.

It's empty.

Oh, sure, ma 'am.

But observe.

Steve, this chair is getting warmer.

appetizing. I'm getting thirsty. Does this chair have anything to drink?

Collard, root beer, lemonade, iced tea, and buttermilk.

Iced tea.

Oh, excellent choice.

hand it to you. The slug boy is the winner.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Hey, you know, Steve, the chair is getting warmer.

Supposed to.

Steve, now it's vibrating.

Supposed to.

Now it's smoking.

Max helped out at the library so we could study.

How? Well, I hope you're hungry.

I mean, squid pot pies.

And for some reason, there's a lot left over. Want one?

I'm kind of tired, Steve, so I think I'm just going to go upstairs and take a

long hot shower.

Wait, Laura. A letter came for you today.

From Harvard?

Yep.

Just a letter.

Hey, Rich, it's a very important letter.

Laura finds out that she's been accepted to Harvard University.

Oh, my God.

I've been waiting for this letter for months, and now that it's here, I'm

to open it.

If you guys don't mind, I'd like to read this in private.

We understand perfectly.

I don't accept it.

Pick up, pick up.

Man, you couldn't catch the ball if your hands were covered with super glue.

Oh, yeah.

When your mama can't dance, your daddy don't rock and roll.

All right, all right, all right, all right.

Look, the score is now...

So what's your point?

The point is, we take these games seriously.

Look, if you don't get a lot better, you can't play with us anymore.

How you feel? Hey, Carl.

Good to see you.

Good to see you, too.

Hey, grab a seat.

Thanks for seeing me during your lunch hour. Hey, no problem.

Want my pickle? Oh, no, thank you.

I just scarfed down a corn dog.

So what can I do for you, Carl?

Well, Bill, my daughter has been accepted to Harvard University.

Laura? Mm -hmm.

That little girl that used to sit on my desk while I made her out of a 10 -check

for a million dollars? Right.

That's right.

Now I need a real one.

So how much are you looking to borrow, Carl?

Actually, I need $20 ,000 a year for the next four years.

Well, you've always been a good credit risk.

Let's see what we can do.

Okay, two years ago, you took out a second on your home.

Oh, that was for Eddie's tuition.

And you still have your mortgage.

That pesky little thing.

You've got a good credit line, some savings, but not enough collateral.

Well, how about if I put up Harriet?

Hey, I'm sorry, Carl.

Look, I may be able to talk the bank into loaning you a couple of thousand.

Well, gee, Phil, that's not nearly enough.

What about financial aid from the university?

Well, Phil, we checked into that. The irony here is that we make too much

to qualify for financial aid. Yeah, and you don't make enough for this bank

loan.

I don't believe this.

I'm really sorry, Carl.

I wish there was something I could do.

My daughter's been accepted to one of the finest schools in this country.

Now I have to tell her that she won't be able to go.

Hey, Steve.

How about a little music to munch by?

Oh, keen idea.

on my favorite radio station.

and tap shoes.

Yeah, they come in real handy when you're taking tap dancing lessons.

You're taking tap dancing lessons?

Try to keep up.

Why? So we all know what we're talking about.

He meant, why are you taking tap dancing lessons?

I'm taking tap dancing lessons because of the advice I got from my Aunt

Velveeta.

You know, Waldo, I've had the pleasure of meeting most of your family.

Your sister's quesadilla and noxema.

Your cousin's doofus and ba -ba -la -ba -ding -dong.

But I don't believe I've ever had the pleasure of meeting your Aunt Velveeta.

She's married to my uncle.

Nacho and Gary.

Gary? Yeah, there's something odd about him.

Anyway, my Aunt Velveeta said that tap dancing develops physical dexterity and

agility. Oh, I've heard that.

And you guys said I need to get a lot more coordinated if I'm gonna play

basketball with you. Well, now I am.

You are?

Yeah, I've taken a lesson every day for the last... two weeks, and my teacher

says I shall promise. Want to pee?

Not really. I messed up a little on my double pickups.

Double pickups? You learned all that in two weeks?

No, I took a day off to observe Gregory Hines' birthday.

Come on, guys. We got a b -ball game in ten minutes.

That's right.

We've got a rematch with the Spiders, and it's gonna be a tough game.

Well, guys, don't worry. This time you're playing with Twinkle Toes Faldo.

Richie, what are you watching?

Some elephant show.

Well, why do you look so confused?

Well, they shot this elephant with a tranquilizer, then painted a great big

number on his side and put a transmitter in his ear.

And then they returned him to the herd to live the life of a normal elephant.

Yep. The other elephants are going to suspect he's been somewhere.

Hey, Harry.

Carl, are you okay?

Oh, yeah.

Tough day at work today, that's all.

How you doing, Richie? Fine, Uncle Carl.

Rich, uh, have you made up your bed yet?

Yep. But if you want to talk to Aunt Harriet alone, I can always go make it

again.

Thanks, Rich.

Smart kid.

I went to see Phil Hellenbeck today, Harriet.

And the bank is not going to give us the loan for Laura's tuition.

Oh, no, Carl.

I've been depressed about it all afternoon.

Even when I got back to work, the captain announced that our division had

highest arrest record in the city.

And instead of celebrating with the rest of the guys, I just sat there feeling

like a failure.

This isn't your fault.

Yeah, well, I don't know, Harriet.

My head says that it isn't, but my heart says that it is.

How am I going to break this to Laura?

It isn't going to be easy.

This will devastate her.

Yeah.

She's wanted to go to Harvard ever since she was ten years old.

You know, I've always encouraged Laura to strive for the best.

And when she's achieved it, I can't afford it.

Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure, honey. What's up?

Oh, you've been crying.

Yeah, I got a little emotional. That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

Well, what is it, honey?

I don't want to go to Harvard.

What?

Why not?

Well, it's too far away from the people I care about.

Your friends?

Yeah, but most of all, you got.

Sweetheart, what brought this on?

I've just been thinking, and I realize that in my entire life, I've never been

away from home for more than three days.

And I just don't think I'm ready to move so far away from home for so long.

Honey, are you sure?

Yeah.

But you know, there's great schools right here in Chicago.

So I figure if I study hard and, you know, get good grades, in four years I

might feel a little bit better about being out on my own.

Well, then maybe I'll go to Harvard Law School.

But honey, going to Harvard meant the world to you.

Yeah, it did.

But then I realized my world is right here.

I love you, Tess.

Okay, the first thing you have to learn is tippity.

Then there's tappity.

Tonight at 8, it's the beginning of the final new episodes of Enterprise.

Archer and his male crew members are presented with a gift of three alluring

slave girls who try to seduce all of them but trip on an all -new Star Trek

Enterprise. Now stay tuned for Family Matters.

Coming up next on UPN 27.

Okay, after you get that down, you move on to skippity -hoppity -dippity

-boppity -tippity -tappity -two.