Original subtitles

What's the matter with her?

I don't know. What's she picking on me for? I didn't do anything.

Go. I don't think they like strangers.

Mrs. Winslow, you are just so... Well,

are you just going to sit there or are you going to do something about it?

I'm going to do something about it.

I am, I am.

What do you want, Steve?

Well, have either of you seen my tummy stone?

I need to remove my calluses.

Do you need it now?

The instructions clearly state, best used when epidermal tissues are moist.

Steve, we're trying to have a romantic moment here.

I'm one of the top cowboy.

He's happened to be my traveling date.

Uh, I know I'm taking a big risk by asking this, but, uh, where you going?

The airport.

No, after that.

The airplane.

No, after that.

Another airport.

Where you gonna end up?

Porto Santo?

Ah, yes, Porto Santo. A small island off the coast of Honduras.

Average temperature, a balmy 84 degrees.

Population, 1 ,142. National pastime, cleaning up after hurricanes.

Hey, Waldo. Hey, we better hurry up or we're going to get you to the airport on

time.

Wait, wait, wait, Waldo.

Why on earth would you want to go to this Porto Santo place?

One word.

Good sauces.

I've been selected to study with one of the great chefs of Latin cuisine.

Juan Carlos de Manuel de Luis Romanos Escobar.

Wow.

Ruiz Arberos de Miguel Esperanto Villanueva. Oh, gee.

Gomez Carnales Felipe Julio Bustamante.

We played dodgeball, another useful skill in my adult life.

Well, listen, I couldn't wait for you to get home. I have terrific news.

Oh, Steve moved out.

Even better. I found a very nice young man for you today.

Uh -oh.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

He's a freshman in college, and he's majoring in geology.

Dweeb alert.

How can you say that? You haven't even met him yet.

What was his name, Mom?

Junior.

Junior?

What's the matter, Mom? You couldn't find a Skippy?

It's just what they call him. You know, it's a nickname.

Ma, I am not going on a blind date with somebody named Junior.

Okay, fine.

But let me ask you something.

What are your plans for this Saturday night?

Well, Waldo's out of town, so I plan on hanging out with my good friend, Max.

All right, Laura, I promised Mary Puckett I'd give her a back wax.

Hairy Mary.

That could be all nighter.

All right, tell Junior to pick me up at 8.

That's my girl.

Wish I could say the same.

Oh, see, guys? I have terrible, awful, very bad news. I know. You're here.

No, Dad.

Waldo's been arrested.

Yes. He's in the Porto Santo, Cusco.

Well, why? What happened?

Oh, we don't know. We had a very bad connection.

All we know is that Waldo was scared and very upset.

Well, I better call his father right now.

Oh, no, you can't. The Waldo family went kayaking in the Dolby Desert.

But there's no water there.

They think that's the challenge.

What are we going to do, Dad?

Well, I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm going to hop on a plane to Puerto Santo and get poor Waldo out of jail.

Can I be a big guy? You're a cop.

You can talk to the official and negotiate his release.

I'm going to go with you. Me too.

Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry. No way, guys.

But we have to go. You're going to need an interpreter.

Well, you guys don't speak Spanish.

No. But we do speak wild out.

They call that an airport?

A shack with a flashlight on the roof?

Jaime Gutierrez Garcia.

I am, uh, Lieutenant Carl Winslow, Chicago PD.

I see. And how may I be of service to you?

Well, we're here to secure the release of Waldo Faldo.

El Desperado?

Waldo? El Desperado?

We know him as El Estúpido.

Oh, yes, he hides his cleverness behind a mask video scene.

Just what is Waldo in charge with?

He was apprehended while trying to smuggle a rare antiquity out of the

A rare antiquity?

I heart Porto Santo.

This is your idea of a rare antiquity?

Well, excuse me.

We have only been a nation for five years. This is the oldest boat in the

country.

Uh, look.

and I are both officers of the law, and I was hoping as a show of professional

courtesy that you and I could work something out.

I think that would be possible.

If he were to pay his fine, it would save us the costly expense of a trial

fixing our electric stool.

Don't you mean electric chair?

We are a small country.

Well, how much is his fine?

$10 ,000.

What? That's outrageous.

I demand to see the chief of police.

You're looking at him.

The mayor.

Speaking.

The governor. I blush at my accomplishments.

Wow.

Aren't you a busy bee? Why, what are you doing in your spare time?

I make ceramic bowls.

All right, that's it. I am going to the American embassy.

Ah, the American embassy is no more. It is now a kinkos.

They're everywhere, you know.

Hey, you know, them and Starbucks, you just see them popping up on every

Can we at least speak to Waldo? Well, of course. I am a reasonable man.

Desperado, you have visitors.

Who is it?

It's me, Steve.

Merkle? Yeah, and me, Eddie.

I'm here too, Waldo.

That's it. If you pay the fine, he may go free.

Otherwise, allow me to recommend an excellent lawyer.

J .G. Garcia, attorney at law.

How may I help you?

It's like a prison in here.

Actually, Waldo, it is a prison.

Oh, God, it's worse than I thought.

I'm losing track of time.

Is Hillary Clinton still president?

Waldo, it's only been four days.

It seems like five.

I can't take it in here.

The walls are closing in on me.

We gotta get him out of there. He's about to snap.

Now, look, Waldo.

You have been unjustly incarcerated by a corrupt official for a crime that you

did not commit.

Now, we are not leaving Puerto Santo without you.

Hey, big guy.

What? Are you thinking what I think you're thinking?

Yes.

Tonight, you, Eddie, and myself are gonna bust Waldo out of jail.

Cool. Hello, ship. Can I crack you a nut?

No, thanks, Grandma.

If you don't pull that chin up off the floor, you're going to get a rug burn.

Sorry.

What's the matter, honey?

Well, I let my mom talk me into going out on a blind date. She's picking me up

in three hours.

Oh, I understand. He's a college man.

Yeah, he's majoring in geology.

Uh -oh.

Dweeb alert.

Pizza for Harriet Winslow?

Come in, come in.

I'm Laura.

Oh, put it on the table. Winslow.

I'm David.

That'll be $11 .46.

Phillips.

$15. Keep the change.

Thanks.

What? Oh, I'm sorry. I don't mean to stare. It's just that...

Boy, you're so pretty.

Well, you're not so bad yourself.

I see Juliet's Pizza really has a Romeo working for them.

Hey, thanks.

Well... Listen, I know we just met, but I was just wondering, do you

have a boyfriend?

No, she's completely unattached.

I get off work in a couple hours. Can I take you to dinner?

Anything but pizza.

Oh, I'd love to, but I already have a date tonight.

Well, maybe some other time.

You have my address.

And your phone number.

Use it.

I will.

Bye. Bye.

Okay, see ya.

Instead of going out with Juliet's Romeo, I'm stuck with Mother's Junior.

We're here to bust you out.

Thanks, guys, but I got three friends from the States who are going to handle

it.

It's us in disguise.

Oh, cool.

Where's Garcia?

He went to Kinko. He elected himself judge today, so he wanted some new

cards.

Hey,

where'd you get the neat old truck?

Hurts. It does?

Then use a seat cushion.

Here's the deal, Waldo.

You be quiet, and we'll get you out of here.

Well, make it snappy.

The guy in the next cell keeps calling me Chiquita.

Nancy!

I'm free.

I want to take.

I want a woman.

I want to summer the night away.

Aha!

You are all under arrest for destroying ancient architecture.

Ancient architecture?

This is a mud hut.

It is antique mud.

And as the newly appointed judge, I sentence you to $10 ,000 apiece or 10

in jail.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. We don't have that kind of money.

What is wrong with you people? Why are you so stingy?

Well, because $10 ,000 is a lot of money.

It's not here.

Our money ain't worth diddly.

Why? The Puerto Santo dollar has a different rate of exchange than the

dollar. Didn't you see the poster at Kinko's?

Wow. So how much is 10 ,000 Puerto Santo dollars in American money?

Let's see.

I'm glad everything worked out.

Oh, yeah, I'll leave a message on the Waldo's answering machine that Waldo is

fine.

Well, safe, anyway.

Okay, honey.

All right, bye -bye.

Oh, Laura, you look great.

Thanks, Mom.

Looking more like your mother every day.

Can't get a smile out of you, huh? Not until I say goodnight to Junior.

Oh, God, dear.

a curfew tonight?

Hi,

Laura. David, what are you doing here? I'm here for our date.

Hi, Junior.

Hi, Mrs. Winslow.

Junior?

You're David?

That's my nickname.

My dad's name is David, too.

This is the nice young man I was telling you about.

See, your mother ordered pizza when she knew you'd be home. She wanted to see if

we'd hit it off.

I hope you don't mind, but I told her we did.

You two have a nice time.

Okay.

Go ahead and start the car. I'll be right out. Okay.

Thanks, Mrs. Winslow. Your next piece is on me.

You're welcome. Thank you.

Hey, Ma.

Hmm?

Cool move.

Thanks. You like Junior?

Yeah, a lot.

Well, sometimes mothers have good instincts.

You know...

I don't know why I ever doubted your taste in men. After all, you did pick

Daddy. Hey, Mom.

Forget about that early Christmas.