Original subtitles

Well, I gotta go in the house now, Cindy.

I love you.

Thanks.

Get within five feet of it, and you'll be raking with the fishes.

Where are you two going?

I'm back, bub.

Yeah, we're going outside to play ball.

I'm not out by the driveway, you're not.

That's where I park my brand new car.

You two play ball out front. Come on, let's go. But what if we hit a parked

or something?

I'll take that risk. We get hit by a car. I'll take that risk, too.

Now, there's a brave man.

Okay.

Now,

let's see.

Where was I?

You and your airbag.

Hey, bitch can't hear my bath ball.

Hum it in there.

Mercy, it's going over the house.

I'm here for you, Cindy.

Hello, cutie booty. Hello, mushy tissue.

Can I come in?

Oh, well, now might not be an appropriate time. I'm ironing my

Oh, fiddle -faddle.

Kiss me, cowboy.

Oh, no, my... My wife's not in front of the appliances.

Well, shifting hormones to neutral.

But let me show you these.

Bicycle trip. My treat.

Oh.

Oh.

I made my mother wait in line for two whole hours and all I get is an O?

I'm sorry, Myra, but I don't want to go on the bicycle trip.

But it's a tradition, a show of school spirit.

A chance to suck face in a forest.

The reason I can't go is... is... all the shame.

What's the matter, Stevie?

Oh, my... I... I... I never... learned to ride a...

bicycle.

Oh, my poor, poor baby.

Oh, I'm so humiliated.

Oh, you only love half a man.

Half of you is ten times more than six other men cut into thirds.

What is the thought of riding a bike upset you so?

Oh, it all goes back to one terrible afternoon when I was a mere lad of

My father was bound and determined that I would learn to ride a bike.

And that was just trying to put the kickstand up.

Gracious me.

Oh, and the more I fell, the angrier he got.

So he yelled at me.

And he called me Wobble Boy.

I feel your pain, Urkel.

I do have a secret chain.

I was afraid to walk until I was ten.

I've got to get me some new friends.

Ta -da.

Oh, God, this is a good job.

Thanks. You look just like Halle Berry.

Good, because an hour ago I was looking like Chuck Berry.

But seriously, girl.

professional work. You deserve to get paid.

We're best friends. I can't take your money.

Oh, no one can, because I don't have any.

You really think I'm not good? Are you kidding?

It's like you're Michelangelo and I'm a ceiling.

Thanks. You know, I've been thinking about something for a long time, and I'd

like to get your opinion on it. This is what I want to do with my life.

Learn to drive the big rigs?

Oh, the other side.

I want to go to beauty school.

Max, what about our plans?

Going to the same college, joining the same sorority.

I was going to be the hot shot lawyer who represented your up -and -coming

architectural firm.

Well, those plans were good when we were 12.

But now I don't think I'm going to be able to go to college.

Well, why not?

Well, my grades aren't good enough. And I've applied to 30 different schools.

And they all turned me down.

I was even rejected by UOB.

UOB? The University of Bob.

Well, I think you could do a lot better than this silly little beauty school.

Well, it just so happens I was accepted to this silly little beauty school.

You were?

That's right, Laura.

You know, I love hairdressing, and I'm good at it, and I want to make it my

career.

for all the support, friend.

Good -nabbing there, Winslow.

Were you two down at the poker hall?

Well, I thought with those outfits... Nah, just cruising.

for walking me home.

Come here, Steven.

I wouldn't say anything.

Howdy.

The big guy's busy and he doesn't like to be distracted.

Oh, Pistache.

I just want to ask him something.

But when you bother him, he gets irritated.

I'm not bothering him. But I really... See,

I told you, look, he's mad.

Steven doesn't know how to ride a bike.

It's just very rare to find a teenager who can't ride a bike.

Then again, you're a very rare teenager.

Mr. Winslow, occasionally I'll mince an onion, but never words.

So here goes.

Will you teach my Stevie how to ride a bike?

No.

You're refusing?

Oh, don't worry, sugar giblets.

know until he realizes that you really need his help.

No. He's still refusing.

I know. That's right.

You are looking at a new and improved Carl Winslow.

I am not caving in anymore.

I said no, and I really mean no.

Steve, I have taught you how to drive, nearly died.

I taught you how to swim, almost drowned.

Teach you how to ride a bike? I don't think so.

I think he really means it. Oh, you bet I mean it.

For seven years I've known you, Steve Urkel. Seven years you've talked me into

things. Well, not anymore.

I said no.

And I really mean no.

And you know what?

It feels good.

I'm free.

survived a hurricane.

Enough said.

Patty, what's wrong between you and Maxie? I don't know, Mom.

Well, you can't be fighting over a guy. She's dating Waldo.

All I did was try to give Max some career tips and she wasn't ballistic.

What kind of tips?

She got some silly idea to go to beauty school.

So? So, what kind of career choice is that?

My hairdresser makes more money than I do.

Really? Yeah, there's a lot of juice in pushing moose.

And she loves what she's doing.

Oh, we had plans.

I mean, our whole lives were figured out.

Now she's changing everything with this ridiculous hairdressing thing.

Laura, tell me something.

Why do you want to become a lawyer?

Well, because I think... I'd be good at it, and I want to make a difference in

people's lives.

Well, do you think Maxine will make a good hairdresser?

Yeah, I mean, she's gifted.

But how is that going to impact people's lives?

Are you kidding?

Okay, Miss Hotshot Attorney.

Let's say you're about to argue a case in front of the Supreme Court, and it

could make or break your career and affect the lives of millions of people.

Well, I'm here to tell you, you won't win that case.

Not with your head looking like that.

All right, if we do, it's me.

All right, if we do, it's you.

Eve, you look like a giant Pez dispenser.

Let me guess.

You're going to teach yourself how to ride that bike.

Absolutely. And I don't want any comments from the sidelines. Mr. Free at

and have kids soon.

Well, Steve, why are you grabbing your chest?

Because I don't want the neighbors to know where it really hurts.

I can't watch this anymore. You're killing me.

How do you think I feel?

Well, why don't you give up?

Never.

Failure is not an option.

No, it's a given.

Well, you may have given up on me, Carl Winslow, but I have it. You know what

it's going to say on my tombstone?

Never gave up. Never stopped.

Went on and on when all hope was gone.

It's going to be a big stone.

Your perseverance has inspired me.

I really want you to learn how to ride this bike.

You do?

Yes. I don't know why, but it's important to me that you succeed.

I know why.

You care about me.

No, that couldn't be it.

Oh, come on. Admit it.

Oh, okay. Maybe I care a little.

Bring me with you, big soppy. Don't touch me.

I'll hold the handlebars and you get on. Okay.

Now, Steve, the important thing to remember is that when you try to pedal,

to feel your balance.

No.

No. Feel your balance, Steve.

No. Feel the balance, Steve.

Feel your balance!

That's better.

Okay. Here we go.

Now slow.

Now slow.

Okay. Okay.

There you go. You got it. Boy, this sure beats looking at me.

Yeah.

I'm going to let you go now, Steve.

Okay.

Enough small talk. Can we come in?

Maxine!

Listen, I'm no Dr. Ruth Brothers.

And I'm certainly no Sally Jessie James.

But I do know this.

You two are friends.

Best friends, like Batman and Robin.

Only with bosoms.

The point is you had a fight, and you have to find a way to make up.

So either bury the egg or hatchet.

You know what's scary?

That almost makes sense.

Let me guess.

Waldo tricked you into coming over here?

Sort of. He said we were going to the movies, but then he said the name of the

film was Laura's House.

I'm glad you guys came by.

Because I've been a jerk.

That almost sounds like an apology.

It is.

Max, I've been a terrible friend.

You were all excited about beauty school, and I made fun of it.

Yeah. That really hurt, Laura.

I know.

But I've been thinking, and I realized the reason why I said those things.

Well, what was it?

I was scared.

Of what?

Well, if you go to beauty school here and I go to college back east,

I'll lose the best friend I ever had.

That'll never happen, Laura.

You know why?

Why? Because even jerks need to get their hair done.

Oh, I'm so sweet.

Hey!

I gotta hand it to you, Steve. You ride that bike like a pro.

Thanks, big guy.

Stay.

But you know, Steve, there's an irony here.

There is?

Mm -hmm.

I got my brand -new car the same week that you learned how to ride a bike.

Now, ordinarily, that would be a recipe for disaster.

But, hey, you're a demon on wheels, and my car is still in showroom condition.

Yes, mine seems good.

Mine just pedaled down to the patent office and registered this.

What's that?

The UrkelSuper .com.

Why, this baby attracts ducks like nobody's business.

Well, Steve, this time of year, there aren't any ducks around here for 500

miles. Ah, not yet.

Go ahead, give her a try.

Oh, let's see. Come on, come on. Go ahead, go ahead.