Original subtitles

Come on, girl.

We have to let him in.

Do we have to, Harriet?

Can't we just skip the middleman and check right into the mental institution?

No. We promised his folks that we'd look after him while they were in Russia.

Russia. What a place.

War -torn, freezing cold, dark and gloomy, no food.

Yeah. Steve's folks took the easy way out.

cubic yards of my belongings packed under 10 ,000 pounds of pressure per

inch.

Lord?

Carl Winslow here.

You remember me. I spoke to you a couple of months ago when I passed that kidney

stone.

I need your help again, Lord.

This time it's Steve Urkel and even bigger pain.

I was wondering if you could give us a little sign, Lord, that tells us when

Steve Urkel moves in, he won't destroy our little home.

I guess that's a no.

Squashalization.

Yeah, I'd like to do sparkle squashalization.

Hi, Uncle Carl. Hey, Rich.

Freeze!

What you got up under there?

Nothing. Mm -hmm.

Well, don't look now, but nothing's tail is sticking out from under your jacket.

Oh, now, Ridge.

I think I remember telling you that you couldn't bring that cat into this house.

But I love Mr.

Button. Yeah, well, I love Whitney Houston, but she's not living with us.

But if she rubbed up against your leg, wouldn't you try to sneak her into the

house?

Mr. Buttons has to go now. Come on.

What's going on?

I was just mauled by a vicious stray cat.

I don't think Mr. Buttons likes you, Uncle Carl.

Well, boo -hoo -hoo.

Get him out.

Carl, why are you so grumpy?

Oh, well, now, let's see, Harriet.

What could be making me so grumpy?

Steve moving in. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Tell her what she's won, Johnny.

Doc, I've got an idea.

We can't shoot him, Harriet. I'm a cop. It's frowned upon.

Why don't we all go up to Lake Geneva for the weekend? We can camp and relax

a couple days while Steve gets settled in here.

No, I can't go.

I'm working security detail tonight.

Oh, no problem. We'll just go ahead and set up the campsite, and then you can

come along when you're done.

I don't know. Maybe I'll just find a quiet spot in the house.

Hello? Hey, Dad, it's me.

Hey, is everything okay?

Yep, campsite's all set up. Oh, great.

I'll be there in a couple of hours. Then we'll get down to basics.

Back to the land, bonding with nature.

Yeah, right, bonding.

Say, Dad, could you bring my blow dryer?

Hello there, Ranger Delicious.

I'm Eddie Winslow, outdoorsman, tracker, lover.

That's Poison Sumac. In an hour, your head's gonna blow up like a tractor

I'm sorry, Steve, but the basement is off limits. That's my den.

But big guy, I thought you said mi casa, su casa.

No, what I said was mess with mi casa and you're out on your ass.

But, but Carl, I have some revolutionary new experiments that are... Steve, I

don't want an argument, okay?

Okay, fine. I guess I'll have to find someone else to share the profits.

Profits?

My chamber has a new feature that can make us both a fortune.

Fortune?

Now it changes the size of genetic material.

Fortune?

I installed an alpha modulator infused with a polycarbonate amplification

superconductor. Now, through geometric bifurcation of a fast rolling vector, I

can escalate the electron particles.

What? I can make stuff bigger.

No way.

Away with my expando ray.

place inside the chamber.

What?

Shaquille O 'Neal's toothbrush.

I've got to hand it to you, Steve. That's quite a trick.

But, uh, where is the profit in giant toothbrushes?

The moolah's not in dental doodads, daddy -o.

They're gold.

Diamonds. Itty -bitty diamonds.

Are there any other problems you haven't told me about?

Yes, indeed.

Now, 72 % of the time, my expando rate makes things larger.

But the other 28 %...

Layman's. Uh, we're teeny.

You idiot!

Now, Carl, there's no reason to get short with me.

Okay, more choice of words.

Oh, I'm sorry, big guy. I mean, former big guy. Little big guy. You know what I

mean. Steve, this is the worst thing that you have ever done to me.

This is even worse than your propane nose hair trimmer.

Lister's heel, you could whistle with your sinus.

Come here.

Come here.

Come here.

Come here.

Don't make me use this.

Toothpicks don't scare me.

I'm a man, not a club sandwich.

You know, Carl, sarcasm only makes you smaller.

You're right.

I'm sorry.

I lost my head.

It's perfectly understandable.

Don't touch me. Sorry.

Now, rule number one of crisis control, assess the situation.

Now, that's the tip -top cop I know and love.

Assess away.

All right.

We're small.

Everything else is big.

Oh, you're good.

Now, look, if we can get to the transformation chamber, can you make us

again?

Absolutely.

All right, come on, let's go.

Hey, hand me that breadcrumb over there.

That is a long way down.

Oh, it looks like we're going to have to wait until the family gets back home.

Oh, man.

Two days with you trapped on a table.

Well, don't be blue, big guy.

Don't touch me. Sorry.

With a snack, here you are.

Right? Then let's have a chip, old chap.

Yeah, window shopping.

You know what scared me even more?

What? Hearing myself say, help me, Waldo.

Huh, what's going on?

No answer.

Well, that's a good sign. I bet Dad's probably halfway here by now.

If I know your father, he stopped off to get something to eat.

Right now, he's probably in the middle of a big sandwich.

What is your problem?

I can't get comfy.

Well, Steve, you have a marshmallow for a pillow. Isn't that comfy enough?

Yeah, but when I drool on it, it sticks to my face.

Good night, Steve.

Well, aren't you going to tell me a bedtime story?

What was that?

Here you go, Steve.

You know what, Carl?

What?

I hope Richie doesn't have a pet snake.

Me too, Steve.

Steve, I've got a confession to make.

Oh?

Yeah.

I gotta admit, I didn't want you to move in with it.

Ah, well, I kinda got that feeling when you sent my picture to Boys Town.

I feel that I owe you an apology.

You do?

Yes.

Because I fail to remember that no matter how much havoc you cause,

when the chips are down, you are always there for your friends.

Oh, thank you, big guy.

No, thank you, Steve.

Oh.

This is such a touching moment.

May I weep openly?

No.

Would you settle for a hug?

And a heartbeat.

Tom! Tom!

What happened here?

Come on, give me a hand here.

What'd I do?

Where'd you guys come from?

I was born in Green Bay.

First of all, Steve here shrunk us. Then we had to sleep on bread. Then we were

almost killed by a cantaloupe. And a kitty.

You want to run that by me again?

I don't think so.

All I want to do is relax and enjoy the fact that things are finally back to

normal.