Original subtitles

You know, big guy.

Steve!

How you be, you busy?

I be busy, you be going.

No, wait.

Don't you want to know what this is and why I'm wearing a kilt?

No. I'm sure you do.

Why, I hold in my hands the revolutionary Urkel McBagpipes.

Steve.

Don't bug me.

Plug me.

I don't even know why I bother.

I'm getting ready to make a boogie.

We're making down to me, laddie.

It really works.

You look ridiculous, but it really works.

But here, Carl, take it for a spin.

Well, I... Oh, come on. Go ahead. Come here.

Thank you.

Look what you did.

It's a rare condition this day and age to read any good news on the newspaper

page. Love and tradition of the grand design.

Some people say it's even harder to find.

Well, then there must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls.

Because all I see is a tower of dreams. Real love bursting out of everything.

It's the bigger love of the family.

I think it's time to redecorate this room.

I'm tired of this old stuff. We need some new furniture. Wait a minute. Wait

minute. What is wrong with this stuff?

I like this stuff. It's old and comfortable, just like us.

Speak for yourself, Grandpa.

Harriet, you know what I mean.

We bought this stuff when we got married.

We married each other, not the couch.

But it has a certain sentimental value to it.

Yeah.

Every time I walk past that, I see your butt imprint.

Hey, Mrs. Winslow, thanks for letting us do our laundry.

Ma, why didn't you warn me that when you put sweaters in the dryer, they come

out like this?

Consider yourself warned.

But that's just great. What am I supposed to do with this?

Hey, I can give it to my doggie.

He's not going to your college, but we don't have to tell anybody.

Edward, I'd like to ask your opinion about something.

Do you think that we need new furniture?

Most definitely.

Why?

Because this stuff will look great in our pocket.

You're excused.

Why are you being so stubborn about this?

Because, Harry, it's going to cost a fortune.

No, it's not. I worked out a budget, and it's only going to cost us $3 ,000.

$3 ,000?

American?

Oh, Tom, open up your wallet and let some fresh air in.

Not until you cut your budget way down.

I already cut my budget way down.

There is no way that I am paying $3 ,000 to redecorate this house.

Not the house, just this room.

Harriet, you're trying to kill me.

But we'll discuss this later.

Oh, we'll discuss this later.

That's husband talk for you can forget it.

That's right, Harriet.

Just like, let's go out for a romantic dinner. It's wife talk for I'm too tired

to cook.

for Swirl.

and surprise.

Yes, it is, isn't it?

Boy, that's a snappy outfit you're wearing.

Yeah. Chicks dig snappy.

So, what brings you by, sir? My new Porsche.

Oh.

Ooh.

She is a beauty.

So, Winslow, you still driving that Gremlin?

I'm afraid so, sir.

Maybe one day I'll be able to afford a car like yours, but right now I'm barely

able to redecorate my living room.

Too bad. It needs it.

Let me give you a little economics lesson, Winslow.

Guess how much I paid for that Porsche.

Oh, I don't know.

$60 ,000.

That's how much it costs.

Guess how much I paid for it.

$40 ,000?

Wrong.

I got it at a police auction. I only paid $5 ,000.

What? You mean no other cop bid more than $5 ,000? Not if I ordered him not

Boy, it's fun being me.

I'm telling you, you get all sorts of stuff cheap at police auctions,

furniture.

I never thought about that.

Anyway, in a month there's going to be another auction. Check it out.

Well, it's time. me to go according to my four dollar Rolex.

Well, thanks for the advice, sir. Anytime.

I'm full of it.

Yeah, that you are, sir.

That calculus exam was a killer. I thought

I was going to wear out the batteries on my calculator.

Swirly alert.

Let's go.

I'm not budging.

Stephen Q. Urkel runs away from no man.

Rascal, a word with you?

What do you want, Urkel?

Just to let you and that Nimrod Dre know that your swirly days with Stephen Q.

Urkel are over.

Man, get lost.

As you can see, I've been working out lately.

Urkel, man. I know he's tight. I'm flushing no action.

Andre hasn't been around because he's in the hospital.

You've got leukemia.

Andre had leukemia?

Yeah, he did.

Oh, I feel awful.

I said a lot of bad things about Andre, but I never wanted anything like this to

happen. Eve, of course you didn't.

I gotta do something to cheer him up.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Close your eyes.

I have a surprise for you.

Come on.

Come on.

Keep your eyes closed.

Come on.

Come on.

Okay. Open them up.

Police auction.

Oh, look at that rat. There's a dead man on him.

That's no problem. He just peels right up.

How? You got all this stuff from a police auction?

Yeah. Most of it belonged to Vinnie the Rat Musconi.

But he's been put away for ten years.

so you're not hot for the rug.

But, Harriet, take a look at this lamp.

You must admit, it's quite lovely.

Yeah? The bullet holes are a nice touch.

Harriet, I got a great deal for this stuff.

Some of it was owned by drug lords and hookers.

Get it out of here, Carl.

Harriet, it's nice.

It's ugly.

It's eclectic. It's ugly. It's waterproof.

It's ugly.

Harriet, you haven't heard the best part.

What would you say if I told you that I only spent $312?

Let's say you got taken for 300 bucks.

Harriet, this was a great opportunity.

I saw it and I seized it.

And you want to know why?

Well, I'll tell you why. Because I am Mr.

Action.

No offense, Harriet, but you are Miss Inaction.

You mow, you ponder, and you dawdle.

But I get things done.

because Carl Otis Winslow is Mr.

Action.

Okay, Mr.

Action.

You can just sleep on this ugly sofa because that's all the action you're

going to be getting.

Andre was doing better.

Yeah. Well,

he is. But what he really needs is a bone marrow transplant.

Well, why don't they just give him one?

Well, it's really hard finding a match. And Andre's best chance for one is with

another African -American.

Unfortunately, not enough of us are registered.

Registered? To be registered, you have your blood drawn and tested.

Then, if you match a patient, they do some more tests.

Then, if it looks like you still match, well, you well -aimed

Sweet, sweet. But you have to be 18 or over.

But I see some seniors out there.

Like the football team, for example.

Well, I know a lot of you have to be 18, 19, 20, 21.

You think it's safe this way? I'm 18. I'll sign up. Okay, I'll step right up.

Nice going, Steve.

Oh, thanks, pickle cheeks.

But this is just the beginning.

Why, there's lots more work. to be done.

This furniture looks better in the dark.

I thought you liked this stuff.

Well, I'm having second thoughts.

You know, I think my good bargain overshadowed my better judgment.

Honey, look.

I know you were trying to help.

But I wish you had talked to me first.

Now, furniture is something we both have to live with.

We should have decided together.

You're right, sweetheart.

Tomorrow, I'll go get our old stuff from Eddie's apartment.

Thank God you didn't get rid of it.

You know, I've been thinking, sweetheart.

Furniture is very expensive.

So maybe we should buy it a piece at a time.

Sounds like a plan to me.

Starting with a big screen TV.

Or a nice couch.

Enough talk.

Let's go upstairs.

Mr. Action.

Hey, Urkel.

I've been looking for you, man.

Andre?

Well, you're not still giving swirlies, are you?

Nah.

I just came to thank you for helping me find a bone marrow match.

Oh, well, you're more than welcome.

Yeah, I mean, for the drive like the one you started, I... I probably wouldn't

be here.

No, I'm just glad I could...

ask you, man. It's been bugging me for months.

Why do you lift a finger to help me?

I mean, over the years, I must have picked on you a hundred times.

Well, actually, 132 if my journals are up to date.

Yeah, so why do you lift a finger to help me?

Because this is bigger than pranks.

This is about saving your life.

Besides, if you want to...

heard of people talk about angels on earth but i guess maya wears suspenders

i'll stop it or i'll get a swell head you know something i gotta do to

to repay you something i know won't you give me a swirl okay

then i'll buy you lunch oh great like today is pork and a stick

you even sit at my table