Original subtitles

Hey, it's a good thing this isn't Thanksgiving. I'd be flipping turkeys by

Hey.

What's going on? Well, Mom, with your big job interview today, we wanted to

sure that you had a power breakfast. Oh, thanks, guys. I'm starved. So am I, but

Uncle Carl made a sweet for you.

This food looks good.

Smells good, too.

Let's give it a new home.

Anyhow, Winslow.

Great news.

I'm a papa. My roach eggs just hatched.

Oh, look.

They're eating the queen.

This day and age to read any good news on the newspaper page.

And love and tradition of the grand design, some people say, is even harder

find.

Well, then there must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls.

Because all I see is a tower of...

I'm working on my top -secret science project.

Genetically engineered mushrooms.

I call it fungus diletta.

It's a mushroom that grows its own gravy. See?

How nice for you.

Are you aware of my position regarding access to non -authorized areas?

Uh, I shouldn't be down here. Bingo!

We can't have every Tom, Dick, and Nerd... waltzing up and down these

corridors. They're old, dank, and dusty. Nobody ever comes down here.

Morning. Good morning.

We have rules, and these rules have to... Looney?

What are you doing here, Looney?

That's Looney.

It's French.

Alfred, you're out of your janitor's uniform.

Yeah, I overslept. It's hard to hear old Mr.

Rooster way down here.

You slept here?

Intermittently. I'm convinced this is where old dust balls come to die.

Every time I dozed off, one of the little devils flew up my nose, and I...

you out of your mind?

No.

What is this room, anyway?

It's the school bomb shelter.

It's a leftover relic from the 50s.

Sort of like Looney.

Say, who do you... Are you living here?

Yeah.

What about your apartment?

I moved out.

When? Right after they put my furniture on the sidewalk.

Alfred, what's this all about?

Well, I took some bad investment advice and lost everything. My home, my car, my

collection of Hummel figurines.

I've collected those. How many did you have?

One.

I feel bad about your misfortune.

Be out by tomorrow.

What?

You can't stay here. The school isn't zoned for residential dwelling.

It would be a violation of section 42B -5.

Now, reeling your rule book, Irwin, this poor man has no place to go.

Look, I don't write the rules. I merely memorize and enforce them.

Well, if Principal Shimano were here, he'd just...

Principal Shimada was here. I don't see him. Do you?

No. Principal Shimada?

He's not here.

But I am, and what I say goes.

Furthermore, until you move out, you're suspended.

You'd take away my mop?

Yes.

You go too far.

A moment of your time.

Let me paint you a... picture.

You call the fuzz.

Lunay refuses to leave.

You've got SWAT teams, tear gas, battering rams, and helicopters all live

six o 'clock news. Oh, that's not good. What should I do?

Well, I happen to live next door to one of Chicago's finest, Carl Winslow. Why,

he's a superb human being and an outstanding cap.

Give him a chance to talk to Mr. Lunay. I'm sure he can work this out.

Okay, I'll give you a couple of days, but don't get too comfortable.

I got a pizza for Looney.

That's looney.

Oh, is that French?

Let me guess. You didn't get the job.

Are you kidding?

I didn't even get an interview.

a paycheck for 20 years.

And now for the last six months, nothing.

Oh, it's so frustrating.

Mom, don't worry. You'll find something soon.

I hope so.

You will. You'll find a wonderful, challenging job that pays a lot of

That'd be great.

What of both of us?

Well, then I won't feel so guilty when I hit you up for money.

I really appreciate you helping out Mr. Lunay.

I really don't know how much help I can be.

Now, just remember, be gentle. Mr. Lunay is a sweet and sensitive man.

You'll never take me alive, copper!

Now, take it easy, Alfred.

This is Carl Winslow. He's my friend, and he's here to help you.

then he should have the decency to take his hat off in a gentleman's bomb

shelter.

Perhaps we

can discuss some housing options.

You want to give me a house?

No. You want to give me the money to buy a house?

No.

You want to give me your house?

No.

Thanks for all the help, Mr. Housing Options.

What is with this guy?

What do you mean?

Look, why don't you just sit down and let us work this out?

All righty.

Uh, now, Mr.

Looney. That's lunet.

It's French.

I'm a direct descendant of the Marquis de... Oh, no, don't! Oh, it's okay. It's

not heavy. No, no, don't!

Oh, okay.

Great. The door just closed.

Yeah, so?

That door is warped.

Yeah, so?

We won't be able to open it.

Oh.

It's Saturday.

Nobody's at the school.

Except for the vandals.

And they rarely help people in distress.

That's been my experience.

Well, they will find us by Monday, right?

Tuesday. Monday's a holiday.

You know, I could pop the hinges off that door with my tools.

Why didn't you say so?

My tools are up in the gym.

That's why I didn't say so.

Well, let's try pulling the door open again.

Okay. And let's really put our weight into it.

You're far more blessed in that area than we are.

Should we pull on three or wait till we hear three and then pull?

Well, maybe it should be one, two, three, pull.

But do we pull?

Why are you returning that vacuum cleaner? Well, it worked for ten minutes

then went completely.

I'd like to return this, please.

What?

This casserole dish, it's cracked.

Of course it's cracked.

Anything will crack if you abuse it.

Like a marriage, for instance. You bust your hump for 23 long years. And then

you come home and you find your wife in the arms of her aerobics instructor.

They claimed they were just stretching, but after a... Martin, Martin, Martin.

Why don't you go home and rest? Then next week we'll talk about, uh,

reassignment.

Sorry, folks, the complaint department is closed. Please come back tomorrow.

I've been waiting a half an hour.

Uh,

excuse me, uh, Mr., uh, Waxman? Yes.

I saw what just happened to you.

Well, Martin's a wonderful man, but the position is stressful, thankless,

exhausting.

It's an absolutely awful job.

Yeah. Can I have it?

You really want it?

Yeah, to have the top.

Besides, over the years, I've spent an awful lot of money in your store.

I figured it's a way for me to get some of it back.

Excuse me.

Oh. Yes, ma 'am, can I help you?

You people cheated me.

This vacuum cleaner is a piece of junk.

Oh, well, calm down.

If it's a piece of junk, then you'll get your money back.

She will.

Oh!

After all, this store only wants happy customers.

Now, did this vacuum cleaner ever work at all? For a few minutes.

Then it's a manufacturer's problem.

You see this 800 number right here?

Uh -huh. You call it, and they'll send you a replacement even faster than we

could. Almost...

Thank you. You've been so helpful.

Oh, you are a wonderful employee.

This store is lucky to have you.

Does this store have me?

You have the job.

Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes!

Thank you, Mr. Waxman. Well, don't thank me. Thank your mother -in -law.

Hi, Estelle.

Hi, Claude.

I just might shoot you if you don't stop with the singing.

No jury will convict me.

That's reminiscent of Sondheim. It's not Sondheim. It's Winslow.

Now, please, no more singing, no more dancing.

That's all just sick.

Let's make the best of a bad situation.

knows an ant can't move a rubber tree plant. But he's got high

hopes. He's got high hopes. He's got high ample

pie in the sky.

So

anytime

you're getting low, instead of...

Just remember that.

If they say no... Then I'll just stop paying my rent.

Oh, thanks, Steve.

You're a true friend.

Yeah, Steve.

That was really nice of you.

Aw, cut it out, guys.

I'm getting misty.

Well, what are we gonna do till the fire...

And singing in the rain.

Just singing in the rain.

What a boy.