Original subtitles

Can't buy. For everything else, there's MasterCard.

Yes!

Yes!

Way to see you, Sal Muchacho, Wendy!

Oh, look! This poor soul is watching television the old -fashioned way.

Tis a pity he hasn't discovered smell -o -vision.

Smell -o -vision?

Want to know what it does?

Well, if it makes you disappear, I'll take ten.

Sorry, but this ingenious device uses electrodes to convert the visual images

transmitted from your brain into the appropriate smell.

In other words, what you see is what you smell.

cram this baby on.

I have ears, you know.

I smell prime rib.

Good news on the newspaper page and love and tradition of the grand design.

Some people say it's even harder to find.

Richie, did you forget to do your homework?

Aunt Harry, I'm seven years old. You have to remind me every night to do my

homework. Oh, sorry.

Then that means you've done it?

Nope.

But I didn't forget.

Move it.

Carl. Hmm?

We've got a problem with Eddie.

Oh, no. What has Devil Boy done now?

Well, I was checking his clothes for the dry cleaners, and this love note fell

out of one of his pockets.

Love note? From who?

Letitia. Oh, she's a knockout.

In an immature teenage sort of way.

Carl, read this part right here.

Eddie, we were foolish to wait.

Last night was so special, and now I want us to share this experience as

as possible?

Carl, do you think this means that Eddie is sexually active?

Well, when was this written? Right now, he could be sexually exhausted.

Don't make jokes, Carl. I'm upset about this.

I know.

It's weird.

You know, we worry about our kids.

Growing up.

And then one day we turn around and realize they already have.

Carl, I think you need to sit Eddie down and have a heavy -duty father -son

talk.

I know.

But whenever I talk about sex, it's so awkward.

I mean, I get embarrassed.

When I get embarrassed, I start to itch.

Honey, just be honest with Eddie and everything will be fine.

Harriet.

if Eddie and his girlfriend are fooling around?

Well, we'll just have to be mature about it and lock him up in his room till

he's 30.

Uh, Edward, you got a minute?

Uh, not really. I gotta go pick up Letitia.

Oh. Hey, look, Dad.

hands clearing up.

Sit down, son. We need to talk.

Well, what about?

Well, uh... Um... It's about, um... Oh.

About sex.

Yeah.

Dad, you gave me the birds and the bees rap a long time ago. Right.

But what I want to know now...

is if you become an active bee, and if so, how much buzzing have you done?

Dad!

Son, we need to talk about this.

Well, why now all of a sudden?

Well, because your mother was checking clothes for the dry cleaner, and she

found this note from your girlfriend, La Bamba.

It's Letitia.

Well, read this.

Eddie, we were foolish to wait.

Last night was so special, and now I want us to share this experience as

as possible.

What?

Letitia's mother has a drinking problem.

She's been going to AA for help. The last night in this note was the night I

took Letitia to an Allotine meeting.

Oh, that's it?

Yeah.

That's the experience he wants us to share again.

Well, good for you, son.

Thanks, Dad.

Now,

let's get back to my original question.

Now, I know that this is embarrassing, but I really would appreciate an honest

answer. Okay?

Okay.

Are you still a virgin?

Yeah. Yes, yes, yes.

Fine, sir. Good, sir.

Well, I'm glad one of us is happy about it.

What, you're not?

How can I be? I'm probably one of the only guys I know who hasn't scored.

Well, what's wrong with sitting on the bench?

Plenty. It means I'm not even in the game.

But, son, that's just it.

Sex isn't a game.

It's an important step, a milestone in everyone's life.

And considering AIDS and unwanted pregnancies, it can be a downright

step. Dad, I'm not stupid.

I always protect myself.

Well, I'm very glad to hear that, son.

But you know, there really is only one foolproof way to eliminate all the

And that's abstinence.

Yeah, I know.

It's a lot tougher to be a kid these days.

But, son, the hope I have for you is the hope that my father had for me.

What was that?

Well, I hope that one day you'll meet that special lady.

A lady as wonderful as your mother.

And I hope you fall in love and work very hard to build a loving

And then, son, if you decide to express that love physically, well, then it'll

mean something.

Okay?

Yes, sir.

Hey, guys, did you see what Angela Baskin was wearing today?

Yeah,

baby got back.

Let's hear it for tight sweaters and short skirts, baby.

Hey, Urkel, what's with the paper shoes?

It's a low -cost way to prevent Tanea Pettis.

Tanea what?

Tanea Pettis.

Adelaide's foot. Good Lord, read a book.

Yeah, well, read this.

Knock it off, or I shall be forced to respond in kind.

Hey, Quentin for brains, make sure I move.

Hey, I got better things to do, all right?

Yeah, I'm going to hit on Angela at lunch and set me up a hot date.

You got a problem, Bob.

Weatherman says it's going to snow.

Mr. Cloud was wearing earmuffs.

Don't worry, Waldo, it'll be plenty warm in my van.

Hey, Jerry, I didn't know you liked Angela.

She's okay. The point is she's the only girl in the glee club that I haven't

bagged yet.

You're pathetic.

I'm pathetic.

That's right.

You're pathetic.

Women are rare and precious creatures. They should be placed on pedestals, not

bagged.

Where's my spray starch?

Hey, Urkel, you wouldn't know what to do with the girl if one fell in your

pants.

Frank, if you're insinuating in your own Cro -Magnon way that I'm unsettled,

pure, pristine, well, you're quite correct.

Stephen Q. Urkel is right off the showroom floor.

Why, a real man doesn't need to have sex to prove he's a man.

Well, your opinion doesn't count since technically you're not a man.

is a real man, right?

Well, it just so happens that he's a virgin, too.

Come on now,

guys. You don't believe him, do you? So, Urkel's lying. You're not a virgin,

right?

Please, this is me, baby.

Eddie the E -Man Winslow.

Come on, now.

Yeah, Eddie's a make -out artist.

He's a lady killer.

He's a poodle faking skirt chasing love, daddy.

Just chill out, Steve, okay?

But why? Just yesterday you were talking to your dad and I distinctly overheard

you say that you were a virgin.

Who are you saving yourself for? Miss Wright?

Miss Wright.

Miss Wright is our math teacher.

Great Caesar's ghost, Eddie. She's 67 years old.

Yo, man, I'm out of here.

Man, I blew it.

What are you talking about?

I revealed his girlfriend's age.

It's all in the business.

Everybody.

Eddie. What?

Why don't you pick on a sandwich your own size?

Don't mess with me, Laura.

Oh, come on. Lighten up. It's not that big a deal.

Yes, it is.

Jerry and the guys are clowning me big time.

Eddie, let me ask you something.

you're a virgin laura guys are expected to fool around oh okay so

you're saying that guys are supposed to have sex and girls aren't well because

that will be the end of mankind eddie why is it

okay for me to be a virgin but it's not okay for you well because you're my

sister

sister, too.

Look, Laura, the bottom line is, I haven't been with a girl yet, and now

laughingstock of the boys' locker room.

Well, Eddie, your friend Jerry's a hound, and he's the laughingstock of the

girls' locker room.

for Myra. The lusty lass has got the mega -hots for me.

Excuse

me, ma

'am. Have you seen Steve Urkel?

No, I'm playing class.

that pretty girl is Myra. Yep.

Laura told me about her.

She's the girl with a sick puppy.

Now, Laura thinks Myra is a sick puppy.

But that's just jealousy talking.

You see, the thing is, Myra is very voluptuous.

And she uses her voluptuosity.

Iris made it quite clear that, well, she'd like to do the wiggle -wiggle

-bing.

You do know what I'm referring to, don't you? At my age, you hope for a wiggle,

but you settle for a ding.

as the next guy.

But I want to wait.

I want my wedding night to be special.

Why? My advice to you is be true to yourself.

Go with what you believe in.

Now, if Mara can't support that, she is just not the right girl for you.

Thank this, Dale. You're so well. Oh, bless you.

Tonight on Reynolds 2 from $13 .95 a day.

Yo, FD.

Nobody knows.

We thought you two might have gone on vacation together.

Vacation? What are you talking about?

I'm talking about your favorite spot.

The Virgin Islands.

The Virgin Islands.

That was really stupid, man.

You know, Winslow, I'm disappointed in you.

We all thought that you were a real ladies' man.

Now the whole school knows that the dude is just a dud.

Yeah. Well, you disappoint me too, Jerry. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Man, you're a user.

Girls aren't people to you.

They're points on a scorecard.

Sounds like sour grapes to me.

Nope. You see, I used to think just like you.

Until I realized that making sweet love with a fine lady...

It's all about feelings.

And those feelings should be shared.

So if quantity is your thing, knock yourself out, buddy.

But me, I'm going for quality.

I heard what you said to Jerry.

And for what it's worth, I'm real proud of you.

Oh, thanks.

I know how hard it is to stand up to peer pressure. For instance, you may

as I take some ribbing for the way I walk, talk, eat, dress, think, act, and

like.

MasterCard presents a new ABC Family original movie. Will you marry me?

love life... No!

...needed help, so he made a list to find the perfect woman.

She is everything on that list. But love... There is so much that you don't

about me. ...isn't always perfect.

Whose Line's Wayne Brady?

The List premieres Sunday at 8 p .m.