Original subtitles

What do you think of this skirt?

It's fine.

Why? I don't know. She says it's too short.

Ooh, girl.

It's perfect.

Hey, buster.

Keep alerting and you'll be hurting.

Yeah, right.

What?

too short

it's

a rare condition this day and age to read any good news on the newspaper page

and love and tradition of the grand design some people say it's even harder

find

It's all I see is a tower of...

was having delusions of adequacy.

Steve, you are the clumsiest person in the world.

cheerleader, aren't you?

Help me out here, Steve.

Why are you the way you are?

Well, for the same reason you're gorgeous and Eddie is loaded with

V -like strands of recombinant DNA called genes arranged along the 23 pairs

human chromosomes.

Right.

But what happened to yours?

Well, it might have something to do with the fact that...

I was conceived, a road flare went off in my father's pocket.

Steve, is there anything you can do to change yourself?

Well, why?

I like myself.

I'm comfortable with me.

Well, that makes one of us.

Because I'm not comfortable with you. I've got three flavors of milkshake

dripping down my leg.

Steve, it would be nice if you tried to change.

And it would be even nicer if you did it soon.

for me? Nope. Just bills.

Well, I'm glad to hear the bills make you happy.

Why? Because I'm going shopping at the mall.

By the time I'm done, you'll be thrilled.

Good one, Harriet.

Hey, you want some company?

Wait a minute.

You're volunteering to go shopping with me? Sure.

And I'll even treat you to lunch.

Okay, that's it. Who are you and what have you done with my husband?

It's me, your little binky -poo.

And why is my little binky -poo in such a good mood?

Well, because it's been one whole week since I've seen Steve Urkel. For seven

whole days, I haven't heard, Did I do that?

Oh, look.

I'm being audited.

Hey,

guys. Hi.

Can Eddie and I have a party here next Saturday night?

Sure. if it's just the two of you.

Oh, Laura, you and Eddie can go ahead and have your party.

Excuse me?

Yeah. Go ahead and party down.

Okay, who are you and what have you done with my daddy?

It's me.

I'm just footloose and Urkel free.

Come on, Harriet.

Let's go out to the bank and get you some extra money so you... I ain't...

the bank book.

Spin, spin, spin, spin, spin. That's all we do around here.

And look, there's going to be some strict rules for that party of yours.

Come on, sunshine, let's go. Good Lord.

Malls, park in hell, baby strollers, feed her, life stinks.

Who put the starch in his tutu?

What do you want, Steve?

Well, I wouldn't thumb my nose at the Nobel Prize, monkey doodle.

What are you talking about?

And don't ever call me monkey doodle.

Clarence, a week ago, I locked myself into my basement and embarked on a

of experiments that will revolutionize the science of genetics.

Steve, what is that stuff?

This chemical compound will make me cool.

Oh, well, you go on and drink that, and then I'll show you my toothpaste that

turns me into Janet Jackson.

It was hiding behind my jeans for hammer toes and nasal drip.

But still, I found it.

So I took my cool jeans and I doubled it.

And I doubled it again and again until I had a hundred trillion cool jeans.

Steve,

you're scaring me. Oh, sorry.

Mama, this elixir will improve my coordination.

My posture, my vocal intonation, and I might even sprout a chest hair or two.

First, you better sprout a chest.

Steve, is this stuff safe?

Who knows?

Steve. Tired of Steve Urkel, were you? Wanted someone better, did you?

Well for

There is no Steve here.

I'm Stefan, sweet thing.

Stefan or Kells.

ago the world's cool

We have some serious honeys in here. Oh, this party is the bomb.

Baby,

you are worth another trip.

Wait, say my name again.

Stefan.

There's nothing sweeter than the sound of my name upon your lips.

Hey, yo, Stefan.

Yo, Eduardo, my man.

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know that handshake.

How could you? I just made it up.

Harriet, that...

That dress.

If Carl knew what I was thinking right now, he'd arrest me.

B .G.

B .G.? Well, big guy, of course.

Hey, are you losing weight?

Right.

Are your parents happy with the new you?

Oh, they love the new me.

In fact, they finally introduced me to my grandparents.

Stepfather, would you like to dance?

Oh, of course.

But later.

I'd like to first dance with my lady lover.

It's nice to know that you remain comfortable.

Thank you for being

so cool.

This is for the cool.

Thank you.

Hi, sweetheart.

What's the matter?

Joey Gonzalez got shot today.

Oh, my God.

Is he okay? Yeah, we think he's gonna make it.

Well, what happened?

A routine traffic stop.

Joey asked the driver for his license and registration, and the guy just shot

him.

Unbelievable.

Yep. Joey was lucky.

The doctor said if it had been an inch to the left, Joey would have been dead.

Are you going to be all right?

I guess.

Now, come on, sweetheart. Tell me the truth.

Do I look better at 131 pounds or 132?

Stephon, I told you at dinner. I prefer 132.

Really? Because I feel so bulky.

What's wrong?

A policeman was wounded tonight.

He's a friend of your father's.

Oh, Daddy, I'm sorry.

Carl, would you like to go over to the hospital?

Yeah, I would.

Some of the guys will be there.

Mom, call me if there's anything I can do.

Well,

the storm clouds are gone. Care to cuddle up with a little ray of sunshine?

Don't you care at all about what happened to my dad's friend?

Don't you have any feelings?

Well, of course I do.

But when I find myself burdened by the troubles of the world, I try to cheer

myself up by thinking about all the wonderful clothes I own.

Stefan, we have to talk.

Oh?

I never thought I'd say this in a million years, but... But what?

I miss Steve Urkel.

Why?

Because he had feelings. He cared about people.

Face it, Stefan.

Numero uno on your list is you.

Can you blame me?

Yes. Look at me.

I'm incredible.

Good -looking, charming, suave, and cool.

That's it. I want Steve back.

Steve was an annoying, clumsy nerd.

A man would have to be crazy to go back to that.

Oh.

Or in love.

What do you mean?

This is the antidote to the cool elixir.

I call it the elixir fixer.

Will that make you Steve again?

Well, the village idiot.

It's never been tested.

Wait, don't do it if it's dangerous.

Laura, I've been Stephon Urkel for a week.

And I've got all the things I've always wanted.

Friends, fame, and popularity.

But if I don't have you, I have nothing.

I forgive you.

Tonight at 8, after defeating the Zendi, Archer and his crew are

thrown back into the 1940s where the Nazis have invaded the United States

the help of an alien race on Star Trek Enterprise.

Then at 9, it's a special encore of America's Next Top Model.

Stay tuned for Family Matters coming up next on UPN 27.

Family Matters is a Miller -Boyette production in

association with Warner Brothers Television and is distributed by Warner

Brothers Domestic Television Distribution.