Original subtitles

Anyhow, Angel Towns.

I'm busy, Steve.

All the work and no lot more makes Laura la dull girl.

Poor boo.

Thanks. Poor goodbye.

Wait.

Laura. Ever since you declared your love for me, I've been the happiest carbon

-based multi -cell life form this side of the Milky Way.

See, I did not declare my love for you. When you started seeing Myra, you

stopped coming over here. And amazingly, I sort of missed you. But only as a

friend. Well, you know, friendship is the first step to love.

Do you know what comes next?

A restraining order.

Well, actually, I was thinking we could start.

A dating.

Each other? Well, don't say yes yet.

Let me woo you first.

And a -woo I will.

I'm gonna woo you like no one's been wooed since the dawn of Woodham.

Now, the question is, sweetie.

Will you go out with me?

No.

Steve, this is so sweet. I'm really touched.

You are?

Yeah. Now, get him out of here.

It's a rare condition this day and age to read any good news on the newspaper

page. And love and tradition of the grand design, some people say, is even

harder to find.

Well, then there must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls.

Because all I see is a tower of dreams, real love bursting out of every scene.

It's the bigger love of the family.

Harriet,

you know you always do this.

This is some sadistic game, isn't it?

How long can we make Carl wait for his dindin?

Once is din -din, now -now.

All righty.

Are you ready to go, or do you need more time to yell?

Harriet, I just don't understand what takes you so long.

I have been home for 20 minutes, and look at me.

Stunning.

You, on the other hand, have been up there for an hour and a half, and you

look... Careful.

Sensational.

It takes me longer because I have to do my hair.

Oh.

Oh, like I don't have hair.

You said it, not me.

What, what, what, what?

Look, you can't compare a woman who has a full head of hair to a man who

doesn't.

Are you saying, Harriet, that I'm losing my hair?

Maybe you should go down to Mr. Chuckle's Comedy Club.

Maybe it's open night -night.

Oh, come on, Carl.

Lighten up.

Well, I'm sorry. I happen to be a little sensitive about my receding hairline.

Honey, relax.

Your hairline is not receding.

It's gone.

Sexy Steven.

My, what are you doing here?

I couldn't bear the thought of you filling this hard body with cafeteria

Well, actually, Mondays aren't so bad.

Today's special is, I can't believe it's not pork.

Keep it on, keep it on.

No, no, no, no. You come with me. I prepared a lovely picnic.

Uncle is sexy.

Wow.

First mom spots Elvis at the car wash.

Now it is.

Well, actually, I'm glad you're here, Myra. We really need to discuss our

relationship. And it seems to me I smell olive oil.

Layered with a playfully pungent gouda on pumpernickel toast.

Oh, good.

Well, it is enormous.

But I just can't live a lie, Butterbottom.

I care for you deeply, Myra. But I'm in love with another woman.

Laura Winslow.

Oh, Steven, you're so cute when you're wrong.

Chief? Well, what do you mean I'm wrong?

Laura Winslow has played you like a fiddle.

She's got you so... up that you actually think that you love her, but you don't.

I don't? No.

There's only one woman for you.

Stephen Q.

This toupee is really going to turn some heads.

You think?

Trust me, people are going to notice Carl Winslow.

The hat.

Well, uh... Well, now I look

like Rick James' chauffeur.

That was nuts.

No, it's not. It's my dad.

Wow, your dad is Rick James?

Uh, Barry, this is my son, Edward, and his brilliant friend, Waldo.

Hey, cool bumper sticker on your van.

I'll break for Baldi's.

I really do.

Hey, Mr. Winslow, my uncle Aldo Faldo went Baldo.

up the cash for it, too.

So he achieved a hair -like effect with a pet.

A pet?

Yeah. He trained a hamster to lie real still on his head.

Carl, shall we try another toupee?

My head is in your hands.

Wake me, baby.

like Al Sharpton.

to lunch with my honey bunch.

And what do I find upon my arrival?

You're seducing him with soggy fish sticks.

Okay, it's official. I've died and gone to hell.

For the last time, Steve Urkel steams my broccoli.

Stay away or you're gonna get burned.

Okay, that's it. I've had just about enough of you. Uh -oh.

to be nice.

I've tried to be patient, but you don't respond to subtleties, so I'm just gonna

have to come right out and say it.

You are a huge pain in the butt.

Huge pain, huge butt. Ooh.

Babe, anybody got a hankering for a brownie? My treat.

Myra, I want an apology.

For what?

Just for being you.

Forget it.

apologize for the mashed potatoes in your hair.

What mashed potatoes?

Oh,

mashed potatoes.

Sorry.

Apology accepted.

Now, I really must apologize for the jello down...

strangely exhilarating.

for dessert.

cafeteria duty for the next two weeks.

Thanks to you, I've been grounded for the next two weeks, you cheeky man

-stealer. You get a call, Strunk? I won't back away from it. Lady, lady,

Lady, please, lady.

Stop it, stop it, I say.

Now, this has gone far enough.

Now, look, this is a bizarre and twisted problem, and it requires a bizarre and

twisted solution.

Fortunately, that's my area.

I intend to resume dating Myra.

Yes.

Nothing serious.

Just hand -holding, pet names, and occasional kissing. Let's start now.

Put it in park, Myra.

Now, look. I want everything out in the open. So here's fair warning.

I intend to remain friends with Laura.

And if she gives me the slightest inkling that I can...

I understand. I accept those terms.

Hey, I'm thrilled.

Wonderbar. Now, how about you two lovelies bury the hatchet?

Come on, shake hands.

Bands of me cows.

I think we're gonna be good buddies.

Steve will never go back to you, Laura.

Once he's been to Tahiti, now why would he settle for Coney Island?

happy for you, Myra. You know, it's always nice to see a plump girl find a

Well, maybe not good buddies.

Let's go, Stephen.

You want to skip school today?

And blemish my 11 -year perfect attendance record?

We can now...

Don't you?

Mm -hmm.

There it is. There.

From the side.

There it is. Huh?

You don't like it, do you?

Well, Carl, it's not that I don't like it. It's just that I have to get used to

it. Used to it?

Well, gee, you make it sound like chronic back pain.

Well, honey,

it took me by surprise. I had no idea you wanted a toupee.

Well, I didn't.

I did it for you.

Remember the other night you made fun of my hair?

Honey, I didn't mean it. It was just a thoughtless joke.

Yeah, well, you wouldn't have said it if you hadn't noticed.

Well, of course I noticed. Just like I'm sure you noticed that I'm getting a

little gray and that I have these little smile eyes.

Listen, if you want to keep this toupee because it makes you feel better, then

that's great.

But don't do it for me.

Because I love you for who you are, just the way you are.

Okay?

Tell you the truth, I do feel kind of silly in this thing.

And it smells like my Aunt Mary's sheepdog.

Let's go, handsome.

Right behind you, beautiful.

Family Matters is a Miller -Boyette production in association with Warner

Television and is distributed by Warner Bros. Domestic Television District.