Original subtitles

Warner Brothers Domestic Television Distribution.

Well, you know, I hate to say this, but I'm a whoop you ladies bad.

Hearts is a game of strategy and skill.

Qualities that I happen to be blessed with.

We're having a relaxing game of hearts.

Well, you can't be too relaxed. You have a queen of spades.

Oops.

Oops, I'm sorry. I probably should have said that. Oh.

What's wrong, Steve?

Well, wait a minute. I've been having a little pain in my tum tum.

Maybe your shorts are pulled up too high.

Care to trip the light fantastic with me at the school soccer?

No, thanks.

Jump in the house, fat woman.

I've asked you out over 900 times, and you have said no every time.

Well, it's important to be consistent.

Angel, why? Even an ergo can only take so much rejection.

If you turn me down again, I will surely die.

It's a rare condition this day and age to read any good news on the newspaper

page. And love and tradition of the grand design, some people say it's even

harder to find.

Oh,

you love me. You really love me.

You just missed my mom and dad.

Oh, did they go down to the cafeteria?

Oh, no. They didn't want to miss their first couples without children meeting.

Here, Steve.

I thought these would cheer you up.

And I wanted to get such a beautiful bouquet of flowers.

The room next door. The guy just croaked.

Mario Funziano.

Didn't he just croak?

Yeah, now his flowers are cheering me up.

Give it to me straight, Doc.

I'm a man. I can take it.

You got appendicitis.

You better get some rest, because in a couple of hours, I'm going to take that

appendix out.

Oh, I see.

and I don't foresee any problems at all.

Well, thanks, Doc. And I have every confidence in you and your abilities.

Call 125 West.

Ah, don't worry, Steve.

You'll be back buggered up in no time.

One can only hope.

Now, if you'll excuse me, loved ones, I'd like to speak to Laura alone.

Now I know you're all reluctant to leave at all.

I have a tennis court with miracles.

Honeybunch, I may not make it through this medical ordeal.

Would you please give me something to remember you by?

Like what?

Marry me. No. We can take it. No. We're going steady. No. A date. No. A kiss. On

the hand. On the lips. The forehead.

Deal.

Your kidney came out clean as a whistle.

Kidney?

Oh, you were funning me.

Well,

we better get going, Steve. It's getting late and you need your rest.

Oh, you...

Doctor said that Steve can't come home for three days.

That's 72 hours.

Three days, Urkel, free.

They'll be the three happiest days of my life.

Well,

Charlene, what's going on? You've got a roommate. A man got shot in the rear

end.

Lordy, a bullet in my butt.

Okay, on three. One, two, oh, three.

Ow!

Okay, plan B. Let's slide him off with the sheet.

One, two, three.

Officer, we're going to have to roll you onto the bed. Oh, all right, all right,

just hurry up.

All right, easy, easy.

Oh, thank you. Thank you. Just use your call button if you need me. Thank you.

Thank you.

You're very nice. Thank you.

Tell me what happened. Did you sit on your gun again?

No, I didn't.

I surprised a couple of slimeballs trying to break into a jewelry store.

Well, did they get away?

Well, one of them did.

But I threw a tackle on the other one and held them down with my one good

until help arrived.

I'm okay. Don't worry. I'm all right. Oh, Carl.

He'll be, uh, he'll be fine, Rachel.

I'll see to it.

Why is your arm around me?

Well, you're emotionally vulnerable right now, so I thought I'd make a move

you.

You're lucky.

I am?

Yeah. You won't have to go far for medical treatment.

one of those chicks that won't loosen up without booze.

I got shot in the butt, not in the head.

Fire it on over here, big guy.

Look at my life.

I got this pain in the butt, and I've got that pain in the butt.

How could it get any worse?

do this to me.

I've just had a major operation.

Yes, you did. And you think you've learned to turn the other cheek.

I

made

it. I'm so glad.

Alfred? What the heck is that?

My appendix.

Well,

what are you trying to do?

I'm trying to lower the back so I can get some sleep.

I don't know which button it is.

Oh, I do. Let me try. No, that's all right. Let me try. Let me try.

What are you trying to do, kill me?

Well, of course not. How could you even ask such a thing?

You know, you're not a very patient patient.

All right, that is it, Steve.

I've had it with you. Now you go back to your bed and shut up.

What? You heard me. I have got to get some sleep.

So that means no more helping me with my bed, no more pickle body parts, and no

more musical tributes to my...

the way you feel.

I'll just leave you alone.

Well, good.

Come on, Alfred.

Alfred.

Officer Winslow? Yeah.

I'm Dr. Jenkins.

Where's Mr.

Funziano? Dead.

the food killed him.

How do you feel?

Well, to be perfectly honest, Doc, I've had better days.

Well, you just need some rest.

Would you like me to give you something to help you sleep?

A shot?

Well, yeah.

That's exactly what it is.

Whoa. Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.

You're no doctor.

Very good.

Now, try and guess what this is.

What, is there a full moon out tonight? Shut up.

Say your prayers, Winslow.

You're history. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

At least tell me who you are and why you're doing this.

You busted my brother, Ralphie.

Ralphie, Ralphie. Would that be Ralphie the pimp, Ralphie the loan shark, or

Ralphie the snitch?

The guy who shot you in the butt.

Oh, yes, Ralphie the robber. Nice guy. Good shot. Great gun.

You're the only witness.

I kill you, and Ralphie walks.

Well... Now, Jenkins, listen. You're not thinking clearly.

You know, you must have one heck of a headache.

No, I don't.

Thanks for saving my husband's life.

Ah, shucks. It wasn't nothing.

The world wouldn't be the same without the big old lug.

Well, I appreciate what you did. In my book, you're a hero.

Oh.

Your turn, sweet 'em.

Uh, Steve, I kissed you yesterday, remember?

Ah, still weak in the knees, huh?

No, more in the stomach area.

you won't hear a peep from me for the next two days.

Uh, Steve?

Yes? Look, if you feel the urge to peep once or twice, it's okay.

I mean, you saved my life, and I shouldn't have snapped at you. You were

trying to help me.

Don't worry about it, Carl.

It's forgotten.

You know, when...

When you collapsed on my living room floor, well, I thought that you were

faking. But I wasn't.

No. And then I found out that you had to have an operation.

I mean, all I could think about was I'd have three days without you around.

Oh, my.

And then, when I got hurt, you went out of your way to make me feel better.

True.

But did I appreciate it?

No, sirree.

No, I yelled at you and ordered you to leave me alone.

And then you saved my life.

Yes, indeedy.

So what does all that tell you? I'm okay and you need work.

You're right.

But hey, you were offering me the greatest gift of all.

And up until now, I haven't accepted it.

Well, what gift is that?

Your friendship.

And if you're still offering it, I'd like to accept.

Frame the big guy.

Yes.

Let's get some shut -eye.

Good idea.

Hey, let me turn your light off for you, buddy. Thanks, pal.

See, this baby's got a hair trigger.

Now, look, let me raise your head just a little.

I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry.

You know,

you should really complain about this band.

Family Matters is a Miller Boyette production in association with Lorimar

Television and is distributed by Warner Brothers Domestic Television

Distribution.