Original subtitles

Oh, I'm missing my pet.

Erica, want to sign my petition?

Oh, sure. What's it for?

To make the school mascot a bulldog.

But, Bulldog, the school only has a mascot. It's a muskrat.

Not anymore.

I forgot to feed it.

Well, lucky, lucky, lucky, if it isn't my cookie.

Steve, what is that smell?

It's my new Swiss cologne. It's called...

What do you want to see?

Well, if you're not busy tomorrow night, why don't you and I read a movie?

Well, turn down the lights and engage in a little lip wrestling.

I can't. I'm going out with Ted Curran.

I can't?

But why?

Well, he's good -looking, a varsity athlete, and the most popular guy in

Yeah, but take all that away, and what have you got?

It's a rare condition this day and age to read any good news on the newspaper

page. And love and tradition of the grand design, some people say it's even

harder to find.

Well, then there must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls.

Because all I see is the tower of dreams, real love bursting out of every

bigger love of the family.

I have a little indigestion. Did you do something different to the pot roast?

Carl, it was meatloaf.

Now there you go. That's different.

Where are you headed?

To the mall. Rachel's going to help me pick out an outfit for my date with Ted.

Oh, Lord.

What?

Well, Rachel, my daughter is an innocent young lady, and I really don't want her

to dress like you.

Don't worry.

I'll be there to advise.

Oh.

What's that?

Eddie's up to no good. He's done something wrong and he's not telling us.

How do you know?

He's been nice to me.

Well, let's just see what he's up to.

Edward!

Kitchen! Now!

Try a little good cop, bad cop.

I'll be the bad cop.

What do I do, Mom?

I don't know, honey.

But your dad is in one of his moods. So if I were you, I'd tell the truth.

Okay.

What's the matter, Dad?

What's the matter?

What's the matter?

You sit there with your bare face hanging out and have the nerve to ask me

what's the matter?

Oh,

Carl, take it easy. He's just a kid.

A scared kid.

Candy.

Talk to me. Sing.

Well, I mean, there's nothing to talk about.

Hardly.

Hardly?

Hardly? Well, I mean, there is that tiny little thing that happened at school,

but I mean... Uh -huh.

Mm -hmm. You call what you did tiny?

No, sir. Not really, sir, but I mean, I only played hooky twice.

You hear this, Harriet?

Our son played hooky.

Well, Dad, me and a bunch of the guys had a chance to watch practice down at

Soldier Field. Mm -hmm. The Bears? the cheerleaders.

Well,

what you did, son, is a very serious offense.

And did you take pictures?

Edward, there is no excuse for your behavior. Now go to your room. Your

and I will decide the proper punishment.

Yes, sir.

Will you please tell me how you found out?

Let's just say somebody that you know has a big mouth.

who it is, I'm gonna kill him.

Well, hey, Waldo.

What? Well, what are you doing?

I'm sick and dead to all these posters.

Look at all this clutter.

Yeah, and here's where they're on site.

Darn tootin'. That's why I'm putting up these.

babies and people who get the point.

Come on, man. Tell us. What happened on your date with Laura?

Nothing. Just had a good time. That's all. Yeah, right.

Girl, four times now. You've got to be going back for something. Yo, yo, yo,

come on, guys. Chill.

Alex, I think he's holding out on us. What's up with that? I can only think of

one reason.

He's striking out. Oh, whoa.

I'm the Ted man. I do not strike out. So, in other words, you're saying he

scored, right?

Grow up.

He scored!

I knew he scored!

Take it back.

Take what back?

Get lost, Urkel.

Yeah,

well, something did happen.

believe this. Oh, then maybe you'll believe this one.

Urkel, how many of those do you have?

I don't know.

Let's see.

bad news, and I'm not sure how to break it to you.

Well, just tell me.

All right.

Well, Ted told some of his friends that when he went out with you, he had a

really good time.

Well, that's nice. I had a really good time, too.

No, no, no. You don't understand.

He said he had a really, really...

What?

You're lying.

No, ma 'am.

Now, Steve, I know your jealousy has made you do some truly annoying things

before, but this is way past annoying.

This is cruel.

Stop it, okay?

Now, Steve, you always tried to be my boyfriend.

Hello? Yes, this is Laura. Who's this?

Jason.

Jason Sanders?

What's wrong?

You listen to me. You are a disgusting, perverted lowlife. And I hope that

whatever rock you crawled out from under falls on your head and your brain

squished out through your nose.

I can't repeat it, but it was filthy.

I was afraid this was going to happen.

What do you mean?

Laura, there's some rumors going around school about you.

Rumors? Well, actually, it's just one rumor.

But it's a doozy.

Wait a minute.

Does this rumor have anything to do with me and Ted?

Yeah.

Everybody says that you guys did it.

What?

I was really upset.

Thank you, Max.

Then why didn't you tell me first?

Max, it's a lie. It didn't happen.

I knew that.

Steve told me that Ted was bragging to his friends, but I didn't believe him.

Wait a minute.

Maybe this rumor hasn't spread as much as I think.

Who told you, Max?

The basketball team.

It's nothing like a long, grist walk to get the old heart popping.

Hey, Laura.

Laura, are you crying?

No.

Oh, Rachel, I think it's mother -daughter time. Oh, sure, sis. I'll just

and read Richie a bedtime story.

Hope he doesn't mind if I wake him up.

Honey, what's the matter?

Everything's fine.

Except my life is over.

Can't be that bad.

Yes, it is.

I just found out the first guy I ever really cared about is a creep.

Tell him what he do.

He told his friends that we did the horizontal poker.

Is that what I think it is?

Yeah.

I see.

Laura, did you have sex with Ted?

No.

I mean, I thought about it, but

I'm just not ready for that yet.

Good, Laura.

Very good.

You did a good thing.

What am I going to do, Mom?

Well, the first thing tomorrow, your father and I are going to call Ted's

parents. That won't do any good.

They'll just ask Ted and he'll deny it.

And the whole school will go right on thinking that I'm easy.

Honey, people that know you're not going to believe a vicious lie like that. Why

not?

Well, the truth is when I heard rumors about people, I believed them.

I sure feel different now that the rumor is about me.

Well, you see, that's the problem with rumors.

You know, they don't have to be true. People will believe them as long as

they're juicy.

Well, I just feel so helpless.

Don't worry, honey. We're going to fight back.

Fight back? That's right. There's a solution to every problem.

That's the easy part.

What's the hard part?

Figuring out what the solution is.

and I'm the good cop, right? Shut up, Steve. You're getting on my nerves.

Oh, you're good.

Hey,

man, what's your problem?

You're my problem. And this is your problem. Hey, hey, Anno, Anno, Anno,

Relax, Anno. What did I do?

I don't know, Teddy, but the E -man here is in one of his moods.

So if I were you, I'd tell the truth.

Okay, okay.

What's the matter, Eddie?

What's the matter?

What's the matter?

You stand there with your bare face hanging out and you have the nerve to

what's the matter?

Now, now, now, take it easy, Eddo. He's just a kid. A scared kid.

Gum?

No, thanks.

Why's he so mad?

Well, he's irked.

Upset. Perturbed.

About what?

Oh, I don't know, Ted.

Could it possibly have something to do with the rumors that you and your algae

-sucking friends here have been spreading about my sister?

Hey, Ted, you gonna let him insult us like that?

Yeah.

Just ask her. Go ahead.

As soon as you like to talk, Ted.

So talk to me.

Tell me what happened on your date with Laura.

Uh...

We went to the movies.

We grabbed something to eat.

And then I took her home.

Oh, that's it?

You mean you didn't score with her?

No, I didn't score.

Yes, you did. You told us. We were standing right here. Shut up.

Look, Eddie, I never said I scored, man.

But I might have let him think I did.

So the truth is...

That nothing happened on your date with Laura, right?

Nothing.

One kiss. I kept my eyes open.

Ted, you do realize that according to the unofficial code of the Big Brothers,

that I should expose you and your friends' vital organs to daylight?

True, but that code is unofficial.

you like me too.

I do.

Then how could you hurt me like this?

Just so you could look good in front of your friends?

I'm sorry, Laura.

Look, I know it's asking a lot, but can we wipe the slate clean?

Start over?

No way.

I don't know, Ted.

She doesn't know, Ted.

I have to think about it. She has to think about it.

But it'll be real hard for me to forgive the fact that you boosted your rep by

ruining mine.

handle this conversation myself, okay?

She'll handle this conversation herself, okay?

Laura, I feel real bad about this.

I can't believe I wanted to impress these dorks. Hey, Ted, you calling us

Yes. Just ask and go ahead.

Laura, I really care about you.

And I don't care how long it takes, but I'm gonna find a way to make it up to

you.

How we do, Laura?

Hey, Mom and Dad will be real proud.

Oh.

Thanks, Eddie. You're a terrific big brother.

And Steve, yes.

You tried to warn me, but I wouldn't listen.

And then you helped me get out of this mess.

I really appreciate what a good friend you are.

Want to get married?

Steve, I'm only 15 years old.

Aye, true, true, but I've done a little research.

In some areas of the country, the minimum marriage age is 14.

And on the tiny island of Duplonia, well, they don't even have a minimum

marriage age. All you have to do is own a pig.