Original subtitles

Screwdriver. Screwdriver.

Flyer.

Flyer.

No, no, no, we checked it, checked it, checked it, checked it, checked it!

I found your problem!

Your ceiling cable is crossed with your power line.

But don't worry, I fixed it.

All right, let her rip, Carl.

Did I do that?

It's a rare condition this day and age to read any good news on the newspaper

page. Love and tradition of the grand design.

Some people say it's even harder to find.

Well, then there must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls.

Because all I see is a tower of dreams.

Real love bursting out of every scene.

since breakfast.

What about lunch?

Well, actually, I haven't eaten lunch.

Every day in the cafeteria, I'm accosted by this bully who takes all my money.

So don't give it to him.

You don't know Bull Weapon. He'll rip off my face and add it to his

Unless, of course, I had a...

Ten bucks, huh?

Okay, Steve, I'll do it.

Great!

Once Bull sees that you're my bodyguard, he'll leave me alone.

Protecting one seven -wheeler from another.

This is gonna be the easiest ten bucks I ever made.

an extra red sock.

And I got an extra green one.

Close enough.

A car can wear these for Christmas.

So that's when you knew there was a holdup? Well, it was either a holdup or

were playing Simon Says.

So that's when you arrested the suspect for bank robbery?

No, for cutting in front of me in the line.

She's funny.

And I'm Nick Murphy reporting for Channel 13.

Hi, Mama.

Hi, Carl.

My son's a star.

I hope the girls in my canasta club are watching.

You look great on TV, Dan. Thanks.

Channel 13 thought so, too.

That's why they're giving me a tryout as their afternoon traffic reporter.

Oh, that's great, Carl.

Hey, and if I do well on Friday's 4 o 'clock news, the job is mine.

Oh, right.

Does that mean you're giving up being a police officer?

Well, no, Mama. It's just a part -time thing that somebody from the police

department does.

The last traffic officer on Channel 13 was funny.

Now, if you're going to replace Officer Bud, you're going to need some jokes and

a new name.

Well, what's wrong with Carl?

I don't know. It just doesn't pop.

It doesn't sizzle.

Carl doesn't say traffic.

It says farm report.

Rachel, Carl was my great -grandfather's name, and there's no way that I'm going

to change it. Your great -grandfather's name was Lester.

Carl was his horse.

at day camp when all of a sudden my eyes started to water and I started coughing

up all this green stuff.

I wasn't yellow.

Mucus comes in so many colors.

Steve, I'm trying to eat.

What'd I say?

Look, this bully is not going to show.

He probably saw me and got scared off. Mission accomplished.

Hey, uh...

Thanks, Eddie.

Whoops. No tip.

Give me my money.

I don't have it.

You don't have it?

said no to Bull Wesson and Liv.

No.

I'll see you here after school tomorrow, shrimp.

a TV star yet.

Oh, don't worry, son. You will be.

Ooh, Joyce is gonna love this.

She's gonna put it right next to her autographed picture of Willard Scott.

Okay, Carl.

Time to rehearse tomorrow's traffic report.

Well, Rachel, I just kind of thought I'd wing it, you know? See, that's a big

mistake. You gotta be prepared. Here.

I wrote some one -liners covering every possible traffic condition.

Rachel. Carl has enough to worry about. He doesn't need your help.

Hey, I'm a professional writer.

A couple of jokes wouldn't hurt, Harriet. That's right.

And this is funny stuff. Listen.

There's an accident on the expressway.

Paramedics are on the scene.

And speaking of medical personnel, a guy walks into the doctor's office.

The doctor says, I've got good news and bad news.

The good news is you've got 48 hours to live.

The guy says, what's the bad news? The doctor says...

I forgot to call you yesterday.

What has that got to do with traffic?

Look, Harriet, I know what I'm doing.

Show business is my life.

Go ahead, Carl. Try one.

Okay. Take the stage.

and it's smoking badly.

And speaking of smoke, what do Smokey the Bear, Catherine the Great, and...

to a bull he wasn't gonna give him any more money bull's gonna kill him come on

nobody's gonna get hurt we're talking about two seventh graders yeah but

been in the seventh grade since the carter administration get real no i

saw him eddie he's at least 17 and he's mean they don't call him bull because he

works for merrill lynch

I think I just might miss Urkel.

Hi, guys.

Forget I said that.

Laura, this is for you. I want you to have something to remember me by.

It's not alive, is it?

No, it's a necklace. I was going to give it to you on our wedding night, but it

looks like I'll be dead.

a sesame seed. I never could dislodge it. You don't stand a chance against

guy. I don't see what getting beat up is going to prove.

That's because you don't know what it's like being small.

No one's ever called you shrimp.

Big guys who never played keep away with your hat on a cold day.

During the class picture, you don't have to sit with the girls in the front row

and hold up the class sign.

And most of all, you don't have to deal with bullies.

I mean, I'm a...

Stop running.

Dad?

Can I talk to you for a second?

Sure, son.

What's on your mind?

Well, tomorrow after school at Leroy, Steve Urkel's going to get beat up.

What did he do?

Nothing.

There's just this big guy who doesn't like him, and he keeps taking his lunch

money.

Urkel finally decided to stand up to him.

So now you want to get involved?

Yeah. I don't know.

Is that the right thing to do?

Well, that depends.

On what?

On whether or not you believe there are people out there who should be protected

because they can't protect themselves.

Do you believe that?

I sure do.

That's why I became a cop.

Look, Eddie, I know you came to me for a simple yes or no answer, but I honestly

can't give you that to tell you whether you should get involved in somebody

else's fight or not.

That's a judgment call you're going to have to make on your own.

I just want to do the right thing.

I know that you will.

There are chances of scattered showers throughout the tri -state region.

Oh, oh, come on!

County Toyota is doing the weather.

Traffic is next.

Oh, I hope Carl comes to his senses and dumps those stupid jokes.

I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

I'm so excited. The last time I saw Carl perform, it was in a school play on

dental hygiene.

He played Mr.

Tooth Decay.

We got 30 seconds to air. Carl, how you doing? Just great.

Look, I got a million traffic jokes. You want to hear one? Jokes?

Didn't anyone tell you that's what got Officer Bud fired?

What? That's all I've got.

Here we go. We're ready. Let's clear the set. And in 5, 4, 3, 2... And now with

this afternoon's traffic report, here's Officer Carl Winslow.

And speaking of pain and suffering, this guy asked his doctor if he has 48 hours

to live.

And his doctor says, you should have asked me yesterday.

My jokes.

Anybody mind if I change the channel?

Not yet.

Come on, Carl. Just be yourself. I know you can do it.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. I got it now. I got it now.

See, this doctor and his patient walk into this bar.

If you're heading into downtown, take the service road.

Wait a minute. You can't take the service road.

Yeah,

but what are you going to do?

Good

afternoon,

Bull.

You're looking dapper as usual.

I'm going to give you one last chance, Weasel.

Hand over.

Bank is closed.

Okay.

Nice knowing you, dweeb.

Call me!

Hi,

Silver Bowl.

This has nothing to do with you. This is between me and the dork.

Butt out.

Well, as long as Eddie's here, let's be open to his input.

know that you're tough, man.

You don't have to beat up on Urkel just to prove it.

I mean, he's a small, defenseless, puny, pathetic...

Hey, can you introduce me to Connie Toyota?

Well, I'm, uh, not exactly on her good side at the moment.

So, did anything interesting happen around here today?

Dad,

you came here to check up on me, didn't you?

You were worried about the fight.

Fight? That today?

Yeah, but I talked the bully out of hearing our talk.

Oh, he backed down, just like I said.

No. He came after me.

I had to fight him.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

In fact, I feel pretty good about myself.

Well, son, I'm proud of you.

But I don't want you to think that fighting is always the answer.

Oh, I know, Dad.

But it really wasn't much of a fight.

You hit him once and he went down.

Oh, was it that famous Winslow punch I taught you?

I don't know.

It just closed my eyes and swung.

That's the one.