Original subtitles

Great. Hi,

Eddie.

Careful. Laura's upstairs.

Yeah, I know. I just called her.

Boy, nobody slams a phone down like Laura.

Eddie? Eddie?

Move, Steve.

You think I need a new approach?

Wouldn't hurt.

Well, if you could dance like Bobby Brown, you might have a shot.

The babes love him.

Oh,

that doesn't look so hard.

Sometimes I'm so clever I scare myself.

Good news on the newspaper page. Love and tradition of the grand design.

Some people say it's even harder to find.

Well, then there must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls.

It's all I see.

He asked me what to get my brother Daryl for his 40th birthday.

I've known Daryl my whole life.

He's my big brother.

And I'm here to tell you, from the bottom of my heart, I never liked him.

I thought you liked Daryl. Well, I do, Mama. These are just jokes.

Oh, jokes.

Remember the roast for my birthday?

Daryl did the same thing to me.

Yes, but when he did it, it was funny.

think my jokes are funny, don't you? Mm -hmm.

Well, if you like that one, you're gonna love this one.

Carl, before I split a gut, let's go and say goodbye to the kids. Oh, wait a

minute, Harry. Wait a minute.

Now, I'm not too sure about this.

It's a big step leaving the kids alone, especially with Eddie in charge.

Oh, honey, they'll be fine. Come on.

Well, what do we have here?

Meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and string beans.

Edward is cooking dinner.

Maybe I should call 911 now and make a reservation.

Dad, I've got everything under control.

You know, being a parent is easy. And all these years, we've been making it

tough.

Now, Judy, Laura, while we're gone, Edward is in charge.

You're putting Eddie in charge?

Do you want a moment to reflect on this?

And while we're gone, there ought to be no friends in the house.

Don't worry, Dad. The only person who might come over is Rodney. And I know

don't mean Rodney.

Especially Rodney.

I want you to promise me.

No friends.

All right.

I promise.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to check on my Bearnaise sauce.

Well, does somebody want to help me?

What do you have in here?

Those are little Richie's things. You know, the stuff I have to take to the

babysitter. This teddy bear and this little blanket and this rubber ducky and

this little jam.

Rachel, we're only going for one night.

Oh, Harriet, I know, but we've never been apart.

I mean, what if Richie wakes up in a strange bed in a strange room and sees a

stranger? What if he forgets what I look like? Go ahead without me. I can't do

it. I know it's hard leaving your baby for the first time, but after that, it

gets a lot easier.

Can you wait? No.

Stop it.

Believe me.

All right. But we're going to stop every 15 minutes so I can call the sitter and

check on little Richie. Now, come on. Let's hurry up and go outside and hurry

and stop. Come on.

This is going to be a swell.

I guess I overcooked it a little.

Maybe it'll taste better with the Bearnaise sauce.

It's already on there.

Hand me that steak knife.

Pizza man.

It's Rodney.

We're saved.

What would you rather eat, pizza or a charcoal loaf?

Let the man in.

Hi, everyone.

I heard Eddie was cooking, so I figured you might need some first aid.

Look, Rodney, I feel like I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I promised my

dad I wouldn't have anyone over tonight.

Even me?

Especially you.

I see you got my mother's recipe for meatloaf.

Carl, I really wish we hadn't gotten off the main highway.

Trust me, Harriet.

This is my special shortcut.

This is not a dirt road.

It's got some gravel and some grass.

Besides, it's the fastest, most direct route to Sheboygan.

You're lost, aren't you, Carl?

I am not lost, Mama.

I'm just not sure where I am. There is a difference.

Rachel, put that light on me, please, while I check my map.

Carl, that's not a map. That's a napkin.

I know it's a napkin.

Howard Simpson drew it for me at the taco stand.

Is that Sheboygan?

No, that's hot sauce.

Carl, where are we? Harriet, I'm finding it. I am finding it.

Carl, how many times have I told you there are no shortcuts in life?

About a billion times, Mama.

Here we are.

We'll be in Sheboygan in a half an hour. Oh, God.

The call won't start.

I'm serious.

The call won't start.

Five sons, and I've never missed a birthday until tonight.

You know, I knew I never should have left little Richie at that sitter's.

was leaving, I swear he said, Mama, don't go to Sheboygan.

He said, Sheboygan?

Look, everything will be just fine.

Now, I... I saw a gas station a couple of miles back. I'll just walk there,

them bring me back in their tow truck, and then we'll get the car started and

we'll go to the party.

Carl, you can't walk all the way back there.

It's dark and it's freezing outside.

You want to go?

Here's the flashlight.

Them?

Who?

Well, when I was at the pizzeria, I mentioned to a few people that this is

I'd be. Yeah, but they're not coming in and you're going out.

Hey, it's your house.

I can imagine the kind of people you met at the pizzeria.

Hi. Hello.

You must be Eddie.

You're even cuter than Rodney says.

Come in, girls.

Come on in.

Annie, what are you doing?

So, you guys want to watch the new Janet Jackson video?

Sure.

I'll be right there. You guys go ahead.

Yes! Thank you!

Thank you!

Well, you seem very nice.

You're not going to tell Mom and Dad about this, are you?

Not if the price is right.

Hey, Lamar, come on in.

Hey, Rodney.

I hope you don't mind. I brought a few friends.

Hey, mi casa, su casa, dude.

Is that too much to ask for, Carl?

I wanted to live to see little Richie turn one.

Look, there was a phone booth.

I called the emergency road service. I told them our car broke down on Highway

180. I said we're easy to spot because we're a couple of miles from the gas

station right underneath the Highway 180 sign.

Brilliant, Carl.

That Highway 180 sign is what saved us.

I said we are on the side of the road right underneath the highway 180 sign.

Carl! What?

The sign said 130.

Didn't I say 130?

No, you said 180, Carl.

Well, I guess that explains the delay.

Look, honey, just don't tell the rest of them, please. You know how I hate

looking like a fool in front of my mother.

Fine, let's just get in the car and figure out what to do next.

It's the Highway Patrol.

What's the problem, folks?

Good evening, officer.

We, uh, seem to be having a little cough.

Where are you folks headed?

Oh, we're on our way to Sheboygan.

On this road?

Nobody takes this road to Sheboygan.

See, Harriet?

I'm the only one who knows this shortcut.

That's it.

Who are you?

I'm Steve. I live next door.

Well, do you have any girls with you?

Yeah, in my back pocket.

Get out of my face.

Hi, Eddie.

Having a party?

One tip, two off, Earthling. Was it the three million kids dancing in my living

room?

What are you doing?

It's called blackmail.

Laura, how did this ever happen?

of green jello.

What in the world went on here?

You'll see.

I've got pictures of everything.

I can't believe you did that.

I backed you up. I trusted you. And then you go and have a party.

Come on, Judy. I don't think you need to be around to hear this.

I didn't mean to have a party.

I just let Ronnie over some pizzas.

Son, I told you not to have anyone over while we were gone.

You promised me that you wouldn't.

And you broke your promise.

Along with everything else in the house.

and there was a reason why we didn't want you to have anybody over while we

gone.

Now you found out the hard way.

I'm sorry.

Me too.

I guess this means you're going to ground us, huh?

Into dust.

Well, look, I think that we're a little too upset to deal with this tonight.

So we'll talk about it in the morning. Now you two upstairs to bed.

Go and see if I can find the other half of my gravy boat.

Boy, what a...