Original subtitles

You know, I think Joe should stop experimenting with new coffee. I know. I

they're both beans, but this lima blend is disgusting.

What are you doing tonight?

Gloria and I are going to a club. Oh, no.

No, thank you. The last time I went out with you two, I ended up dancing the

night away with a ranch hand named Ethel.

Come on, ever since you and Spence broke up, you haven't left the house.

You're going to meet new people.

How am I supposed to do that?

Well, let's see. It's L .A. There are a million guys. You're a smart, attractive

woman with flexible morals.

I'm not good at word problems, but I think the answer to this one is, duh.

Yeah, well, all the men I know are lying, cheating, show business pigs.

Besides, I've slept with most of them already.

We want to meet a nice guy.

Why? You're just going to dump him for some good -looking bad boy type?

Yeah. When I am tired of bad boy, nice guy takes me back. That is why he's

called nice guy.

Oh, boy.

Okay, I'm pretty sure this is the part where the car is supposed to make that

vroom -vroom noise.

All right, I will call AAA.

No, we don't have time for that.

Show some leg, I'll get the jumper cables.

We just need help with the car.

It won't start.

Hi. Would you mind terribly? We just need a jump really quick. Just take a

second. That's okay. Good.

Pretend you don't hear me.

That's right. Just get in your car.

That's right. Just keep the whip. Just all good.

Yeah. Just drive away. Yeah.

That's good. Just drive away.

Now, don't stop. I think the guilt's starting to eat away at him.

This is the Ellen Morgan Show with Chuck Chapman filling in for Ellen Morgan.

Our topic today, if God and Superman had a fight, who would win?

Oh, uh, you're late. Yes, I know, I know. My car died, and even though I was

waving my jumper cables and cursing at people, nobody would stop and help.

Thank God for Chuck. I mean, he's been filling in for you. I know, I was

listening. I love the part where he called Janet Reno one of those chicks

looks like she wants it really bad.

Come on, pal.

Better than Superman?

I'd like to see God put on a pair of glasses and make the whole city not

recognize him.

Thanks for calling, Monsignor.

Okay, folks, we go now to Ellen Morgan, who'll be doing a live remote from my

lab.

It's the Ellen Morgan Show.

Okay, L .A., sorry, I apologize that I'm a little late. Let's get right to our

next topic. Over the Roller... under the role of the great toilet paper debate.

Oh, I think I'll save that for when I have a full hour.

Let's see. Your favorite episode of One Day at a Time. Oh, how long can that

take? How many can there be, really?

Well, Schneider won a lot of hearts out there.

Caller, you're on the air with Ellen.

I like the one where they had a talent show and Valerie Bertinelli dressed up

like Elton John.

Yes, yes, certainly a classic, but can it compare to the concert where Elton

John dressed up as Valerie Bertinelli?

You know, can we just talk about something real for 30 seconds here?

And if it doesn't work out, then we can play the funny tape that the naked wet

guy sent in.

Why are we so isolated in this town?

I mean, why don't we ever reach out and help each other, you know? And I'm not

talking about those guys that hang out at the bus stop that offer to brush off

our pants.

My friend Paige and I were standing in front of Hot Cup of Joe on 3rd Street

this morning for 40 minutes with jumper cables in our hands. Not one person

offered to help.

That one person.

You're on with Ellen.

Okay, what you're saying about being isolated, that is so true.

I've lived in L .A. for years, and I don't even date anymore.

You know, my friend Paige has that same problem. She just can't meet a decent

guy. You know, the closest she came was dating someone from the good guys.

He was a jerk, but she got a great deal on speakers.

It's hard. Nobody connects with anybody else.

Now, I get the feeling people don't even want to listen when I'm talking.

Well,

I think that the caller makes a great point, or would have eventually.

I mean, really, would it be so hard to just reach out and offer a helping hand?

Just go next door and say, howdy, neighbor? I mean, do you realize that if

everybody in L .A. would do this, that, well, there'd be nobody home.

They'd all be next door, wouldn't they? Well, we could do it in shifts, I think.

Yes, you're on the air, caller.

Hi, Ellen.

I'm taking your advice.

There's a gang in my neighborhood, and they live in this, I guess you'd call it

a crack house.

Anyway, they don't look like they're eating properly.

So I think I'll bring over some of my homemade pickle relish.

Well, terrific, terrific, as long as you start it off with howdy, neighbor.

I've got over a hundred faxes. People excited about offering a helping hand to

their neighbor.

All of these are in response to your stupid plea to lend a helping hand?

No, most are actually marriage proposals for my spinster friend, Paige.

Yes, thank you for mentioning me, by the way. You know, I miss your old topics

like why there's no vitamin F.

I can't believe this. I mean, I mention you one time on the radio and I get this

kind of response? I didn't even tell him that you don't butt in your top three

butts.

Death Row has a fax machine.

So, Ellen, thank you so much for mentioning Hot Cup with Joe on your

Business is booming.

Oh, well, no need to thank me, Joe. Just once in a while give me a cup without

lipstick on it.

Can't you detect sarcasm? I mean, look at all these people. And every stinking

one of them demanded some sort of coffee drink.

I didn't open my own business so I could work my ass off.

You steal that motto from Bill Gates.

Hey, you!

Now that bathroom is private!

Howdy, neighbor.

Well, howdy to you, too.

I had no idea I had this kind of influence.

I mean, I could inspire people to give homes to the homeless. You know, food to

the foodless. Blood to the bloodless.

I mean, there's a world of good that people can do. They'll just open up

eyes. You don't have to look at the bar. It could be somebody that's right next

to you that just needs a hand.

We live in our own world. We're so oblivious to anybody else.

Hey, hey, leave her alone. What are you doing?

You okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Oh, thanks so much.

It's a pleasure.

I'm happy to help.

Usually I keep to myself in public, but I was listening to some woman on the

radio, and she's really inspired me to get out and help others.

You must be a big fan of this woman.

Well, actually, the radio station was pumped into my dentist's office.

Dr. Burton calls it the great numbing agent.

But this woman's message really got to me.

So I guess you'll be listening a lot more often now.

Well, I guess I'll be listening as much as possible between good deeds.

I'm okay. I'm okay.

I'm Paige, by the way. Trevor McCoy.

Howdy, neighbor.

Howdy, neighbor.

I don't know how I'm going to break this to prisoner number 4082.

I think the slogan for the Peace Corps says it all.

It's the toughest job you'll ever love. Yeah, well, you're doing important work,

Dr. Meyer. Thank you for coming on. Well, thank you, Ellen, for making

aware of what we do.

Well, I say if you can't actually be in the Peace Corps, the least you can do is

talk about the Peace Corps.

All right, we've got Mimi Samuels up next with the news, and then we'll be

with the all -new Ellen Morgan Show. Hey, here's a fun way to listen to the

news. Every time she says alleged, that's a swig of beer.

It's the KPOV News.

If you're heading south this afternoon, be advised.

Well, thanks a lot. That was great. I hope that stuff about the massacre

too depressing.

No, no. You did it with a light touch.

Okay, uh... You must be Recycling Guy.

No.

I'm Tom from Project Literacy.

I wear my suit to prisons and encourage the convicts to read my pants.

Okay, that's right. You're on right after legalized hemp guy.

Where is recycling guy?

Here. Oh, it's you again, Mr. Begley.

Look what I brought you today, Ellen.

Oh, a box of your carob brownies again?

No, no.

It's all the garbage I produced last week.

And you thought of me.

No, I want to encourage your listeners. With recycling, they too can fill a

shoebox with a week's garbage.

Well, that's easy for you to say. You've got big feet.

I'm really excited about being back in the show. Yeah, me too. It's going to be

hard to top yesterday's topic, though. Yeah, bathing myself with just a coffee

cup full of water, that's a real crowd -pleasing. Yeah, yeah.

But I think the real key is finding a shampoo that has a conditioner built in.

Hey, anyone here own an electric car?

I do. Oh, maybe tomorrow we can discuss the advantages of zero -emission

vehicles. Well... Good. It's being towed out of my parking spot.

I don't believe this.

Don't they know how much fossil fuel a tow truck uses?

You know, the coffee here is pretty bad.

Maybe you should bring her some of that free stuff that your friend over at Hot

Cup of Joe must be giving you.

Nice wink.

Must be up to chapter four on how to pick up chicks.

I've got no problem with on -air plugs, but let's share the wealth, okay? I

always bring in some of that jerky that I get from the beef liquidators.

I didn't plug Hot Cup of Joe. I mentioned it by accident.

Sure. Just like I accidentally mentioned poodle clippers at Burbank.

I haven't paid for a haircut in six years.

That explains the pink bows you were wearing in your hair last week.

Hey, Ellen.

Remember Trevor?

I certainly do. How are you? Ellen, I've been listening to the show.

I even translated into Vietnamese for my new foster child.

I must say, you're...

Changing Los Angeles.

Yes, I am. By the time I'm done with it, it'll be known as the City of Angels.

Hey, we wanted to know if you would join us for dinner next weekend.

We want to thank you for bringing us together. We never would have met if it

wasn't for you. Oh, hey, I can't take credit for Paige almost choking to

Not that time, anyway.

Yeah, sure, I'd love to have dinner with you. Good.

Well, in celebration of how we met, we're going someplace where the food is

filled with tiny hidden fish bones.

All right, now that we're off to the inner -city rec center, we're going to

hide -and -seek with the little ones.

Okay, a couple of things.

First of all, you can say the real words around me.

And second of all, do you think that's appropriate behavior for a rec center?

Thanks again for inviting me to come along to dinner.

Boy, I love how they do the leftovers here.

You know, in the wild, most swans aren't really filled with linguine at all.

There's no one we'd rather be with on our 10 -day anniversary.

Unless, of course, we could be soothing a leper.

It was really neat how you asked that busboy to come over and join us, too.

Well, how often do you stop and actually talk to the person cleaning up after

you? You know, if I had thought of that when I was younger, my mom and I would

have a better relationship.

Oh, that's a shame.

What is it? Well, someone's having car trouble.

A stranded traveler in need of assistance.

Couldn't we leave this for some other good Samaritan? I mean, should we be the

only ones to feel this good about ourselves?

Back at the jet.

Hello, motorist.

I'm starting to get how Mother Teresa's husband must have felt.

This guy is driving me crazy.

that he's taking this do -gooder thing of yours way too far. He picks up every

hitchhiker. He puts change in every expired meter. And last night, he made

give a decent burial to roadkill.

Hey, she's a sweet guy. I mean, most people just close their eyes to those

around them who are suffering.

You know what?

I am never going to eat this. This is too much food. Yeah.

Yeah, we wanted a nice guy.

Yeah, a nice. Nice to me, not nice to everyone.

Oh, come on. How many people take the time to stop and talk to a panhandler

way he did?

Hey, I talk to him, too, okay?

Paige, saying don't touch me does not engage someone in the conversation.

You're right.

Trevor's too good for me. I'm dumping.

No. Oh, that's a mistake. Come on.

More people should be like Trevor. I'm going to make bumper stickers that say,

be like Trevor.

And another bumper sticker that'll explain who Trevor is and what he does.

It's just a flat tire. Hey, could you two handle this? I thought I heard a

kitten caught up a tree.

Oh, a chance to use your can opener impression.

I knew you'd understand.

Here, kitty.

Hi. We're Ellen and Paige. We came to help you.

What happened to the cute guy?

Cat.

You think from my 16th birthday my mom could have gotten me a car without a

defective tire? This is a pile of junk.

When will the Germans stop wasting time on spreading joy and merriment and learn

how to build a decent car?

The tire might get fixed a little faster if you lost the attitude.

She seems nice.

Will you get me the jack, please?

Oh, what exactly would a Jack look like? Just take out everything metal and

we'll find the one that looks the hoistiest.

This can't be too hard. I've watched him change tires at the Indy 500.

See if there's something in there that does that.

Would you hurry?

I'm late for a party.

Don't worry, we'll get you there.

Plenty of time to drink your wine coolers and make fun of the fat girl.

Jack. Thank you.

Hey, could you get me the spare, please?

I'm worried about Trevor.

Oh, don't worry. He never misses story time at the old folks' home.

That's sweet. You read stories with elderly?

No, we listen to them.

My dad's a lawyer. If you scratch my car, I'll own you.

I didn't want to ruin the surprise, but I am your next year's birthday gift.

You got the spare?

I was here a minute ago.

I don't want to see all of you on the air today. My show is booked up, and I

don't want to see anybody fighting someone else for their spot.

Do you hear that lady from UNICEF?

I want to know why you had that recycling guy on yesterday.

Oh, well, he was just an old guest, and we decided to use him again.

A little, uh, recycling joke.

That's terrible.

I told people to take their stuff to a recycling center, so there was nothing

left for us to collect.

Now we can't afford our trip to the United Nations.

Well, let me tell you a little something about the United Nations, Sonny.

Nothing but foreigners.

Hey, lady, you had those Save the Bears wackos on the show?

You have any idea what bears eat?

I'm going to have to go with picnic baskets.

Isn't that cute?

Sammy's wife got her head chewed off.

How'd you like that right in the middle of spawning? I don't know.

Ellen, a process server was here to serve you with a lawsuit.

What? Were you involved in some sort of accident between a spare tire and a van

full of nuns?

No.

No, come on. Who are you going to believe me? You're a bunch of nuns.

I've got to get on the air.

Authorities are still investigating circumstances surrounding the so -called

Howdy Neighbor shootings.

Police have issued an advisory against saying howdy to anyone.

This is Mimi Samuels reporting.

It's the Ellen Morgan Show.

Hello, and welcome to the Ellen Morgan Show. How about that? Isn't that

spectacular? Crime rates have dropped so low that a silly little shooting is

considered newsworthy.

Okay, okay. Maybe I was wrong to tell you to go knock on each other's doors.

know, I don't know. I mean, but it's...

It's hard, you know, to reach out to people. I know, believe me, but I still

think that we should encourage people to open up their hearts and not just lock

themselves in some little box and listen to somebody else, like me, in some

other little box.

I mean, I could go back to my old topics, like how would you escape from a

Turkish prison if wrongly convicted? I'm all for fun.

Isn't it nice to talk about something worthwhile for a change?

Come on, somebody agree with me. Come on.

Mom, you say you listen to the show. Call.

Call, you're on the air.

I escape by hiding in the prison garbage, but not on chilly night. Okay.

Next caller, yes.

Ellen, I just wanted to tell you that reaching out to others is never a bad

thing. I'm a 65 -year -old widow, and I never got to know my neighbors until I

heard your show.

Okay, okay, good call. Go on, please.

Well, I went over there and said, Howdy, neighbor.

And we had the most delightful visit.

And listen to this.

They asked me if I would watch their dog while they're at work.

Me and this little fella have just fallen in love with each other.

Oh, that's so sweet. And both of you from two very different worlds.

Now I'm no longer lonely during the day.

I've never been so happy, Ellen.

And it never would have happened if it wasn't for you.

Is that the little fellow? Oh, this call means so much to me.

Well, it's the least I can... Oh, no, no, no. Jumping up. Don't jump.

I mean... No.

No, do not nip.

Fighting is bad.

It was myself playing the part of the snarling dog and then playing the part

the old frightened woman. Of course, you recognize the voice of the Oscar

-nominated Lauren Bacall.

Okay, let's move on to one of our favorite topics, back and forth versus

and round, the great corn on the cob controversy.

It's the Ellen Morgan Show.

It's the KPOV News.