All language subtitles for Ellen s05e13 The Funeral

I don't know why they make us do these
stupid science fair projects. It's so

lame. No, it is not lame. It's very
informative.

I had no idea that you could get
electric current out of a potato.

Sure, it's how Idaho electrocutes its
prisoners.

fascinating things in nature like that.
For instance, did you know that you can

use a large mouth bass to play a
cassette tape?

All right, I want you to stand next to
your potato. I want a picture of this

Scientific American. Mom, mom, this is
embarrassing enough without having

photographic evidence.

Oh, um, is that Sasha?

I want to bring more potatoes.

Yeah, and butter and sour cream.

Hello?

Oh, hi.

Uh, yeah, hold on. You guys go ahead.
Get the elevator. I'll be there in a

second.

Uh -oh.

More trouble here.

Okay, back up. Let me try something.

Hey, so is it Sasha?

No, no, no. Someone tried to sell me a
health club membership, and I said, you

know what? No, lady, because I'm in a
relationship. I spend my money on fudge.

We've got an electric potato. Anybody in
here wearing a pacemaker?

You know, I may be a tad biased, but I
think that your science project should

win a Nobel Prize.

Wow, some of these things are really
complicated.

Boy,

I went more for simplicity. In fifth
grade, I did a project once, and I

it Windbreaker in a Lunch Bag.

I find it a little hard to believe that
some of your classmates actually made

these projects.

Yeah, really, especially that girl over
there filling eyeglass prescriptions.

Oh, I should have done mine on
artificial insemination. That way I

everyone my dad helped.

Oh, I think you did very well on your
own.

Well, I'm going to get some cookies and
punch. Who wants to come? Ellen? No, I

filled up at that Magic of Cheez Whiz
exhibit.

You know, your parents are so wonderful,
Ellen.

Okay.

They didn't even seem weirded out by the
thing Holly said about artificial

insemination. Well, I'm sure they didn't
know what it meant. But it's like most

new words my mom hears. She'll try to
work it into a conversation within

And they are so, they're just great with
Holly.

Oh, by the way, they offered to take her
on Saturday. I thought maybe we'd go to

a movie or something.

We don't have to go to a movie. We could
rent a movie.

Doesn't even have to be a movie. We
could rent anything. A car, a generator,

rototiller.

Um, Saturday's not really good for me,
but I do know from personal experience,

rototillers, ooh, big fun any day of the
week.

Hey, you guys want to try my lie
detector?

Hey, come on. There's two hookups.

Come on, we can have an honest
conversation without getting loaded.

Ah, no, I'm just going to look around.

What's the matter?

Worried I'm going to find out your
deepest secret, Mrs. Charles Nelson

It wasn't a lie detector machine after
all. Got a nice, refreshing shock

treatment.

Okay, is all day Saturday bad? Maybe we
can do something early in the day. No,

let's just shoot for Sunday.

What's wrong with you?

Nothing. You know what? I just
remembered, though. I've got some stuff

do at the office, so I'm going to go.
Can you and your parents take Holly

Yeah, yes.

All right, good. I'm going to call you
tomorrow.

Hey, Anna.

You can't tell the difference, can you?

Well, yes, actually, I can.

Well, sure, you can, but you have a
sophisticated palate. I don't think

people will.

Joe, I don't think there's any getting
around this. You can only use coffee

grounds once.

Are you saying it's weak, or can you
taste the dye?

So,

now tell me, what makes you think she's
hiding something?

Oh, I don't know. You know, everything
was fine until she got this phone call.

Oh, I see.

And then there's the Saturday thing. I
mean, she says she's busy, but she won't

say doing what.

Oh, well, I'm sure there are a million
good reasons why Laurie won't tell you

what she's doing Saturday.

She could be bowling.

I mean, there are lots of bowling alleys
that have Saturday leagues.

I don't think it's bowling. That's
nothing to be ashamed of.

Well, unless she's addicted to it and
can't control it.

I mentioned that she does carry the
heaviest, ugliest purse I've ever seen

life.

You know what it could be?

Laurie always has fresh flowers in her
house. She loves parades. It all adds

She's secretly building a float for the
Rose Parade.

No, I don't think so, no.

No, I think it's the bowling.

Anyway, I've got to find out what this
is. It's driving me nuts.

Oh, honey, talk to Laurie.

It's not healthy to let these things
fester.

You know, my friend Joan Lockwood, she
suspected that her husband was having an

affair, but she held it all in.

And the next thing you know, her
eyebrows fell out.

And now she has to draw them on. But she
draws them

slanted this way.

And so everybody thinks she's always
angry.

Oh, honey, I didn't mean to suggest
that. Yeah, I mean, that's ridiculous.

know, I mean, when would she have time?
What with the bowling and the parade

float activities?

That was a fun place to have dinner,
huh? Yeah.

Yeah. I love throwing plates on the
ground like that. Yeah.

You do realize it's no longer a Greek
restaurant.

Got a message?

Mm -hmm.

You want to check it? It might be
important.

No, no, if it's really important, then
they flash the Batgirl signal in the

I'm going to go wash my hands.

Hi, Mom.

Sasha's mother said I could stay over
tonight if it's okay with you.

It is?

Oh, you're the best, Mom.

Hey, yo!

Honey, it's me. Look, about Saturday.

Hi. Hi. Anything important?

Oh, Holly. She's going to spend the
night at Tasha's. I'm going to go

why don't you see if something's on?

Okay.

Honey?

I love a good mystery. You know, love to
try to figure them out.

Like that show, Untold Mysteries? When
is that on, and why Robert Scott?

I'm not really into mysteries. Really?
Okay, then let's just talk.

All right, great.

Okay. How have you been?

Fine. And yourself?

Good. Good. Flat out good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Listen, I believe in honesty, so I think
I should say, if you ever

have to tell me anything, ever, Even if
you thought it would hurt me, you can

tell me.

You know? And the same with me. If I
have something to tell you, even if I

thought it might hurt your feelings, I
think I should tell you.

You're having an affair?

No.

No. You're not?

No. Are you? No.

No.

Do you actually think I would do
something like that behind your back?

No. No.

I mean...

It must be insane that I would think...
No, it's just that we had spent that

time apart, and I didn't know if you met
anybody, you know, so I... Oh, no,

nothing happened. The only thing that
happened is that I missed you. I missed

you, too.

Hey, you know what we never did? What?
We never celebrated getting back

together. You're right. We should do
that. Let's do it.

Let's, say, I don't know, Saturday?

Um, Saturday's not good.

Okay, well, then how about, um...

How about what the hell are you doing on
Saturday?

I mean, come on. If you just need to
spend time alone, tell me. I respect

But what is so fun Saturday that you
can't hang out with me?

I'm going to a funeral.

Oh.

Oh, oh, wow.

Oh, isn't anybody close to you? No, no,
no, no, not at all. Oh, good, because I

feel like a dope if I'm with somebody.

Who was it? My father.

I'm so sorry. No, it's okay.

It's okay, Ellen. Really, it is.

Well, when did this happen, and why
didn't you tell me?

Well, my sister called the day of
Holly's science fair, and I didn't tell

because it's just not really that big of
a deal.

Really? Well, it seems like it would be
a big deal. I mean, my dad burnt the top

of his feet one summer on a beach, and I
was a wreck for a week.

It's different. You're close with your
dad, and I never had a real relationship

with mine, so this is just like hearing
that a stranger died or something.

A stranger who applauded the first time
you went on the big potty.

You don't have to be brave, you know.
Well, this isn't bravery.

It's disinterest.

It's your father. No, okay. You want to
know what? You want to know how little

this means to me? I'm thinking I might
not even go to the funeral. You know

what? What did you have planned for us
on Saturday? We'll do that.

I'm sorry.

Something's come up. My girlfriend's
father died.

I want to help you through this.

I thank you, Ellen, very much for your
concern. I am fine.

Let's watch TV.

Oh, cool. Simpsons. Love this show.

Well, these are the first three stages
of grief.

Denial, bargaining, and cartoons.

Talk to me.

What happened with you and him that's
making you act this way?

Okay.

I will give you the quick version.

When I was 17, I went to my dad because
I realized something about myself and I

wanted to be honest. You know how you're
supposed to be honest with your

parents.

So I told him that I was gay.

And you know what his response was?

No, you're not.

And I remember that real clear because
those were the last words that he ever

said to me.

There. Okay, so let's talk about
something else. You say that your dad

his feet once?

that to you well simple he is a narrow
-minded but was but you're his daughter

well we've had slightly different
experiences in the father -daughter area

okay look i i know what he did hurt you
but i bet if you

could ask him now he'd say he wished he
handled things differently well sure he

would i mean people will say anything to
get out of hell

Lori, I think you should go to this
funeral.

For you.

You know, and then if it means nothing
to you, then you've just wasted an hour

of your life. I don't know. Come on, if
you don't, ten years from now you're

going to regret this.

And you're going to be looking for a
time machine, and you're going to say,

there's no time machine, but there's a
corner bar, maybe that can help me.

All right, okay.

Yeah, all right, I guess it wouldn't
kill me.

And if it does, then the two of you get
a group rate.

How you doing, okay?

Yeah, I'm okay. I'm fine.

Believe me, I'm fine.

Okay. I'm only asking because you're
using my knuckles together.

I guess I just want to get this over
with.

Okay.

Well, let's go in.

Oh, maybe we should just leave.

I should not have brought you. I mean,
oh, God, it's just so silly, really.

Maybe I should go in by myself, and you
can go get a cup of coffee or a Mai Tai.

A Mai Tai? What religion are you people,
actually?

Come on, it's going to be fine. Your
family's in there.

Yeah, uh, I've got to tell you
something.

Um, it's not just my father that shut me
out.

Okay, it was the whole family. It was
everyone. Every single person in there.

Except for my sister, Leah. I just, I
want you to know what you're getting

because this is not going to be one of
those upbeat Hallmark card funerals.

They're going to be very hostile.

Why didn't you tell me this before?

Because I was ashamed.

I mean, you've got such a great
relationship with your family and mine

so screwed up.

Yeah, but not because of anything you
did. Well, I don't know.

Maybe it is.

You know, you manage to come out and
keep most of your relationships intact.

For the past 12 years, my mother and I
have said maybe 10 words to each other

and none of them in a row.

Well, that's because your father... No,
it's both. I send him a Christmas card

every year with my phone number. Neither
one of them bothered to pick up the

phone. Sounds like something I'm making
up, doesn't it?

Well, it's hard to imagine any situation
where I'd voluntarily give my parents

my phone number.

But you tried, right? Yeah.

Yeah, I thought, you know, that maybe,
maybe when Holly came along, things

change.

You tell me, how am I supposed to tell
my little girl that her grandparents

don't even want to know her?

I mean, if they want to think that I'm a
terrible person, that's fine.

I'm just never going to forgive them for
shutting her up. Okay, you're not a

terrible person.

And nobody has the right to make you
feel that way.

Well, it's worse than that. They act
like we don't even exist.

Let's go let them know we exist.

Anybody says any different, they get a
hymnal upside the head.

They're going to stare at us. If anybody
stares at me, I stare right back.

It's a clothes casket, right?

Lori, you came.

That's right, she came. Now get off her
ass.

Alan, this is Leah.

Nice to meet you. Nice to know my sister
has a protector.

Did you just get here?

No, no, I left the music for the
organist in the car. Look at this.

Deep in the heart of Texas.

Why is that funny?

Well, my dad used to play this for us on
the guitar all the time when we were

kids. Yeah, the thing, and he had the
worst voice in history. And we were his

backup singers, mostly we just tried to
drown him out. Yeah, yeah, and he called

us the Yellow Roses of Texas.

Yeah, I don't know why, because we
weren't blonde, we lived in Encino.

My dad called me the Say Hey Kid because
Willie Mays was on the Giants and I was

tall for my age.

Not too good.

You know, she asked me if I thought
you'd come.

Really? Yeah.

Yeah, you know, this thing's really
tearing her apart.

But I should get back in there. Ellen,
it's so great to meet you. Pleased to

meet you. Yeah, and look, I'm going to
force the family to my house for dinner

in a few weeks. I want you to come. Oh,
well, that sounds tremendously awkward.

Okay. You going there with Jesus?

I, I, what about...

You just go in by yourself.

I thought we were going to go in there
and show them we exist.

Well, I'll do anything you want me to. I
will. I'll march in there with Property

of Laurie written on my ass in bright
red lipstick, if that's what you want.

I just think that maybe this is
something you need to finish with your

Oh, no, there's nothing to finish.

Really?

Seems like you two were close at one
time.

No, that man that Leah's talking about,
he died to me 15 years ago.

Okay.

Go in there and mourn him, then.

All I'm saying is maybe today is not the
day to make some big statement.

Maybe this is something the two of you
need to settle.

Waited all those years. It never
happened.

Okay.

Then you take this step.

Somebody's got to do it.

All right.

You wait for me here. Yeah.

But when they start serving the Mai
Tais, let them know I'm out of here.

So, after the service, my mom came up
and she thanked me for coming.

It was weird.

Kind of cool.

Oh, I just cannot get over how old she
looked.

Yeah. You know, somehow we just freeze
that black and white picture of our

parents standing next to the Rambler and
waving.

Then one day you see them in the
sunlight and it's like, yikes.

Thank you, thank you.

Hey, did you have fun?

Yeah, I caught a fish with that eye. The
pollution around here is way cool.

So how was the funeral?

Uh, it was okay. I want to talk to you
about it.

Maybe. Uh, Lori, uh, Lori, uh, Lois and
I want you to know how sorry we were

about your dad.

Thank you. If there is anything we can
do, you just call us.

Well, I'm off.

So long, Holly.

Take care, Harry.

Give it to us.

Oh, oh, wait.

Before I forget, I bought a great big
box of mothballs, so if you need any,

don't buy them.

Okay.

Hey, Dad.

You know, last year I was really scared
that something like this would happen to

us.

I was, too.

How come it didn't?

Well, um, I remembered the first thing I
ever said to you after you were born.

Do you know what that was?

Stop the yelling?

No,

it was, I will always love you.

And that's a promise.

And there is nothing that ever could
happen that would ever change that.

Nothing, Ellie.

Never.

Hey, Dad, it was me who broke your desk
lamp in 1971.

I still love you.