All language subtitles for Ellen s05e06 G.I. Ellen

Oh, gee, Ellie, this means so much to
me. I cannot believe that you actually

consented to be in our Civil War
reenactment this year. Don't mention it

anyone ever, really.

It'll be nice just spending the weekend
with you and these other strange men

that I don't know.

Well, if it isn't General Ulysses S.
Grant.

I am Betsy. This is Ellen, my daughter.
Ellen, Betsy is the children's librarian

here, but she also plays a nurse in our
reenactment. There is no one better at

dressing fake chest wounds.

Nice to meet you. Oh, you too.

Very impressive.

You didn't tell me you were going to be
General Grant this year. Oh, it's not

any big deal. I mostly got the promotion
because I'm bringing the cannon from

our front yard.

Wait, wait a minute. Won't that leave
the gladiolas with an unprotected flank?

All right, everyone, could I have your
attention? We're about ready to begin.

Welcome to the 23rd annual reenactment
of the Civil War, sponsored this year by

a generous donation from Joey Chen of
Chen Cadillac. Stand up, Joey.

This year, Joey's going to be our
General Robert E. Lee.

It's my pleasure to introduce to you a
man you all know, the Supreme Commander

of the Union Army, Harold Morgan.

Thank you. Thank you, Betsy.

Look, I know that the South has captured
our flag for three years running, but

this year, Joey, your butt is mine.

The North is going to rise again.

And one reason for that is that we have
coming back as our drill sergeant this

year, the chief of security from the
Fairmont Mall, Dave Timko.

All right, listen up, you maggots!

Everybody knows their roles?

Let's go over their particulars. Excuse
me, I'm not sure of my role exactly,

unless in the real Civil War you had
sarcastic bystanders.

It could be anything you want, ma 'am,
but for women it's nurse or prostitute.

Nurse is pretty boring.

Look, if I'm going to be in this thing,
I want to be a soldier.

Women are not soldiers. Women are nurses
or prostitutes.

Somebody has some issues, huh? Listen, I
don't want to name drop or anything,

but my dad is General Grant, so unless
anybody's father's wearing a stovepipe

hat, I don't think... Come on, sweetie.
A woman soldier in the Civil War?

That's not authentic.

Is everything okay, Sergeant? Yeah,
everything's fine, Dad. Hey, lady, just

be a nurse, huh? We want to eat the
potstickers General Lee brought.

All right, I won't fight your silly war.
Lose to the South if you want. But

don't come whining to me when they're
eating grits in Boston.

Okay, Dad, we'll do something again some
other weekend. No, no, Ellie, wait.

Don't go.

Please. I mean, it's high time someone
shattered the gender barrier of these

reenactments.

Well, don't look at me. I don't want to
be a Joan of Arc.

Although I always thought it would be
neat to be Noah.

I've got what it takes. See, I would do
it myself if I was younger, but they

won't even let me be a prostitute
anymore.

Dave, what is the harm? Let her be a
soldier.

Forget it.

Come on. I'm wearing a sports bra.

She'd make a damn fine soldier. And as
chairperson of the committee, I insist

you give her a shot. She can do it. I
know she can. Yeah, and don't worry

trench foot. I had it as a kid.

All right.

You want to be a soldier?

A soldier.

But first, you are going to have to
survive my boot camp.

And I'm going to grind you into the mud,
Morgan.

You can try.

Tick -tock.

Oh, Harold, be careful.

That's how accidental head won't happen.
Oh, dear.

It's not a real cannon.

Sure, but it certainly discouraged
tailgaters on the way over here, huh?

You know, Ellie, you are our first woman
soldier. I am proud of you. Yeah, well,

I'd feel so much better about this if
you were just going to be a prostitute.

This is not about your dream, Mom. It's
about mine.

Farewell, my love.

If anything should happen to me,
remember, my shirts are at the dry

I want you to be careful, too. Don't try
to be a hero.

Oh, to me, the real heroes are the men
and women teaching our young people.

Morgan, all in.

I gotta go.

I've heard tell and now I know.

I've heard tell and now I know.

New recruits are mighty slow.

New recruits are mighty slow.

Tim goes from Mars and I'm from Venus.
The only difference is he has a whistle.

Welcome to Hell Day. Thank you.

My name is Sergeant Timko.

Remember it, men.

And girl, how long you'll learn to
despise me.

Pretty fast learner.

On the first day, I'd like to get one
soldier to drop on request, or my day is

not finished.

Oh, my cat's having kittens.

I gotta go.

Now, you think I'm going to give you
special treatment just because you're a

girl, don't you?

No, I don't. Well, you're not going to
get it. Good, because I don't want it.

Why in all you want to, you're not going
to get special treatment?

Quick question. Will I be getting
special treatment?

That's it, Morgan.

Why don't you give me 20?

Oh, I don't have a 20. Will you take two
tens?

Oh, you want to laugh, do you?

Why don't I take 20 from all of you
maggots?

Not nice when you call us maggots.

How's it going, Morgan?

Thanks a lot.

How you

doing,

Morgan?

Permission to find a bear and wristlet,
sir.

Men ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

Like a woman.

Show you up.

Normally, your pre -battle rations would
include a measure of beer, but there

won't be any this time.

And you know who to thank for that?

Morgan? I can't hear you. Morgan,
Sergeant!

It's like sweet, sweet music. Let me
hear it. Who's to blame?

Morgan! Morgan!

What do you think, Morgan?

Ooh.

Oh, my.

It's perilous up here. I can see the
house where I was born.

Morgan.

And the rule is that there are no rules.

Peterson, you're up. Come on!

Give her a piece of it.

Come on, I'm warning you, Peterson. When
I was a kid, I was on the big padded

hitting stick team.

Normally, I would never hit a woman, but
normally, I'd be drinking a beer right

now. Well, why don't you go get one of
that keg over there? There's a keg? No.

obstacle course all the way from this
point all the way to the doors of the 7

-Eleven. You touch the doors, you return
through the obstacle course to this

point. You know, in the real army, they
make you do this carrying a spoon with

an egg on it.

Shh, don't get us in any more trouble.

You have two minutes.

Move out!

Excellent work, ladies and gentlemen.

But wait, I don't see a lady present.

Looks like Morgan has washed out.

I knew I'd never see the day when a
woman... Hey, there she is!

Good timing, Morgan.

But not good enough!

Well, I know. It was a little more
difficult than I had anticipated. The

asked for two forms of ID.

Don't you have time to buy beer?

Yeah, yeah, I got pretzels in my pocket.

Oh, Morgan!

Morgan!

Morgan!

I'd better go. I have a little
rendezvous with a soldier who holds a

special place in my heart. Oh, are you
sure? We're just about to play Name That

Battle Hymn.

Bye.

Hey, I'm very proud of you, soldiers.

You came through your basic training
with flying colors, man.

And Ellie.

Yeah, we're prepared even if this war
rages on through late Sunday afternoon,

huh?

Oh, excuse me.

Ellie, I want you to have this sword.

This has been in the Morgan family for
years.

Your great -great -grandfather used this
sword in 1865 at the reenactment of the

War of 1812.

We have a family sword?

No wonder all the other families have
shields.

I think you'd better keep it.

Ellie, you really confirmed my faith in
you. I'm very proud and glad you came.

Me too.

Now you'd better get a good night's
sleep.

For tomorrow, we'd die.

Not really. I just like saying that.

I know. You used to tuck me in,
remember?

To Private Morgan.

To Private Morgan!

Oh, fellas, come on.

Boy, what is it about drinking out of a
jug that makes high C taste so damn

good?

Hey, Kelsey, was General Grant married?

I don't remember.

Neither does he.

November 8th, the eve of battle, and
it's difficult to sleep.

Timco never should have set up camp next
to an all -night gas station.

War reenacting as hell.

The training was brutal.

Not so much for me, but Private Goebel
off the keys to his Lexus.

But the looming pretend battle isn't
what haunts me. I'm afraid my father

be involved in something that'll tear
our family asunder.

But I need to find more evidence.

I came on this trip with hopes of
bringing my dad and me closer.

But now I feel more distant than ever.

all that a bang?

My grandmother can bang louder than
that.

She's 85 years old. She had a larynx
removed.

If they can't hear us bang, then they
don't die. And if they don't die, then

die. And if we die, we don't get
trophies.

Bang! Bang!

Uh,

generals left, ma 'am.

Yes, I know. I'm just going to wait
inside. I'm sorry. I'm not allowed to

anyone in the general's tent.

Oh, so conscientious, so thorough, so
strong.

Come on, face it, Peterson. People like
you and me don't come on these weekends

for the powdered scrambled eggs and the
wheat coffee.

We come for the sex.

Come on. What do you say you and I get
together and form a more perfect union,

huh?

Oh, man, this is going to be the best
Civil War ever. All right.

What do you say you go over to the store
and pick up some protection?

Don't want to be catching no scurvy.

Harold E.

Morgan.

That's why he looks so trim in that
uniform.

Dear Harold, though I only get to see
you three days a year, I feel so close

you. Who would have believed it? A
librarian and a retired patent attorney.

Then when our passion finally got the
better of us... Rob whatever you're

Morgan.

I can't. Then I'll break the chain and
die mysteriously like Mrs. Edna Grant of

Pensacola, Florida.

You're under arrest, Morgan.

I remember that scurvy isn't a sexually
transmitted disease.

It's a vitamin C deficiency.

Yeah, well, if you're not losing
vitamins, you're not doing it right.

I'm warning you, Peterson, they haven't
built a Buick Skylark yet that could

hold me.

Open it up, soldier.

They tell me you were looking through my
things.

Ellen Morgan, private first class,
driver's license H7654.

I'd like to know what's going on.
Really, Dad? So would I.

I found Betsy's letter.

That letter is private. To discuss it
would be a violation of trust.

Well, that's admirable, Dad.

If that is your real name, Dad.

You think I've been cheating on your
mother?

I'd think you'd have more faith in me
than that.

What is it with men? You can't keep your
cannon on your front lawn.

I think I know what this is about. Let
me explain.

No, no, Betsy, everything's okay.

No, everything's fine.

I'm in the backseat of a car with my dad
and his date.

Guard, I demand to be taken to the El
Camino.

For 15 years, I wanted to tell your
father that I loved him, and I finally

the chance. Yes, I know, last night. No,
last year.

When your mother and I were separated.

So last night, I went to him to see if
there was any chance, but General Grant

was too honorable.

Of all the war reenactments and all the
dirt lots in all the world, she had to

walk into yours.

Carol, I just want you to know you will
always be supreme commander of my heart.

Goodbye, Ellen.

Goodbye, Betsy.

I told you there was nothing going on. I
mean, she's a nice woman, but she isn't

my Lois.

You and Mom really are perfect for each
other.

And for the first time in my life, I'm
saying that without sarcasm.

You know, Dad, you've been telling the
guys how much you believed in me. I

I should have been doing the same for
you.

I'm sorry.

Morgan, front and center.

I hope you realize the gravity of this
situation.

No worse crime than spying.

If this was a real civil war, we'd hang
you from the ARCO sign.

Instead, we're drumming you out of the
army.

Uh, Sergeant Timko, the drummer, left.

Well, I guess you'll have to fiddle me
out.

General Grant, you're the ranking
officer.

Remove the soldier's stripes.

No, I can't do it. Yes, you can, Dad.
They're just velcroed on.

No, Ellie, you worked hard. You have
every right to participate in this

It's a matter of honor. General Grant,
you are disobeying a direct order from

the President of the United States.

With all due respect, sir, if it were
not for me, you wouldn't even be

President. Last year, when I was on the
laundry detail, I shrunk the Lincoln

suit.

If she goes, I go, and I'm taking my
cannon with me.

Who cares?

I'm tired of you waving your cannon in
my face anyway.

You mean more to me than these damn
Yankees.

It's the Rabs. It looks like Lee is
launching a surprise attack.

I need this like I need a hole in the
head.

The battle was quick and brutal.

Soon the field was littered with the
bodies of the dead and their candy

wrappers.

We were outnumbered and all looked lost
until I reminded General Lee that his

uniform was due at the costume shop in
an hour.

Seeing he had nowhere else to turn and
not wanting to pay a late charge, Lee

surrendered.

Um, you're embarrassing me in front of
the other soldiers.

Carol, goodbye.

Goodbye, Betsy.

Mom, this is Betsy. Betsy, this is my
mother, Lois.

Of course. How are you, Betsy? Lois.

Well, I guess this really is goodbye. I
guess it is, Betsy. Harold.

Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye, Betsy.

She's such a nice woman.

Well, now the whole family thinks so.

You know, when your father and I were
separated last year, he had a little

with her.

You knew?

Oh, yeah. Well, your father and I have
no secrets from one another.

Oh, so you know about the girdle then.

Hey, Timko, I thought you left. I guess
someone else drives a small truck with

absurdly large tires.

You know, me and the fellas were
talking, you know, next week is the

Fair. I'm wondering if you'd like to tag
along.

You'd make a great alehouse wince.

Why can't I be a pewtersmith?

There's no winning with you, Morgan.
There's just no winning with you.