Original subtitles

Ellen, hurry.

It's starting and I can't see a thing.

Oh.

Oh, okay. There's Oprah and there's the Dali Rajabari.

That is not Oprah. That's the two people from the Taster's Choice commercial.

I can't believe you've jumped on the Dali Rajabari bandwagon. I mean, he's

a fad. I mean, like rollerblading or religion.

The Dali is not a fad.

He believes that in each one of us are six guides.

The warrior, healer, wise man, child, explorer, and visionary.

And until you get to know them, you can never truly know yourself.

Ellen, you and Peter are so lucky to be going to the Dali Rajabari's retreat

this weekend.

I know. I can't wait to learn more about myself.

It's pretty expensive, but my warrior, my healer, and the rest of the gang are

chipping in.

Ooh, look at that.

distorted. You can't see anything.

Yeah, I can. That's how I watch the Playboy channel.

Hold one hand on the antenna and one hand on this hanger.

Okay, Audrey, touch Peter with one hand and then touch your barrette with your

other. Okay.

I'm trying to get shell seven.

Joe, hold on to Audrey's elbow.

Okay. Who's got silver fillings?

I do. Okay, do me a favor.

Cradle your chin gently, just very, very gently, and then touch Joe's belt

buckle with your other hand. I think the reception's good enough, Al. Just do

it, damn it.

Oh, is there anything I can do? Hey, do you have your cell phone? Pull out the

antenna and touch Vince's head.

Oh.

Okay, there we go.

Hey, all right.

Hey, cool cats, it's Brian Setzer.

You know I'm close, I'll keep my promises.

I'll always listen when you talk to me.

I'll always hear you, baby.

Yeah.

Now open your mouth as wide as you possibly can and let out a sound of

Come on, people.

You're warriors.

That's it, Peter.

Now, Ellen, let's hear you, warrior.

My warrior likes to warm up a little bit, so... Ellen,

this is why you are here.

I'm just going to hop in the car and drive wherever the spirit takes me. Now,

that happens to be a racetrack with money I've brought from the bookstore,

so be it.

Hey,

guys. Oh, hi.

Listen, Spence, there's been a little change in plans about dinner tonight

Mom. Oh, no.

Well, we'll do it another time.

No, no, no. No, she didn't cancel. My sister's joining us. Oh, your sister.

Great, great. That's great. Maybe you two can sing We Are Family again at the

table. That was a real treat.

It was, wasn't it?

I'll just be one minute. Well, you can come back in the morning.

I'm not really a morning person.

Oh, Ellen, wasn't that vow of silence amazing?

I've never said so much without actually saying anything.

Ellen, the vow of silence ended ten minutes ago.

I know.

I was just going for a little extra credit.

Oh.

Look, those must be the coals we're supposed to walk across tomorrow.

I envision something a little smaller, like a hibachi or something.

Hi.

We're Alice and Harry.

Don't we know you two from the Making Love Workshop last year? Oh, I don't

so. No, we're not.

He's in the... No.

Then it must have been the Inner Peace Through Ballroom Dancing Workshop.

Yeah. That put the fire back in our marriage.

Harry, warning.

Hello, everyone.

Hello, darling.

I never get tired of hearing that one.

Now, the thought for the day.

The universe is an open door.

What we need is an open bar.

Now that we have found our warrior, we must get in touch with our healer.

So now pick a different partner.

Now start to make physical contact.

And remember, touching is healing.

What do you make of all this?

I think it's great. It's one of the best things I've ever done for myself.

If you ask me, I think it's a load of crap.

Remember, negativity is our worst enemy. You know, I think I liked you better

during our vow of silence.

Until we're able to like ourselves, we're unable to like others.

Put that on a bumper sticker, Helen.

You're not a very spiritual person, are you? You know, maybe if you gave this

place a chance, you'd be more accepting of other human beings like me, Harry.

Hey, if I wanted to be nagged, I would have teamed up with my wife.

Leave Alice out of this. Believe me, I'd love to. You know, it's a very good

thing that I'm at peace with myself right now, or else I'd be very, very

Put your warriors away.

His warrior started it.

Hey, you guys!

Wait, I just remembered. I have a date. tonight and he's meeting me here any

minute. Oh, there you go.

Great news. Guys, I just want to apologize for everything I put you

know, all the screaming and crying. Don't worry about it, man.

It's been a long five minutes for all of us.

And sometimes, Alice, you have trouble standing up for yourself.

Enough already, Alice.

Shut up, Harry.

This works.

A gentle reminder.

If you want to get in touch with your inner wise man... Or wise person.

What you must do is look in the mirror and speak to yourself honestly.

Ellen? Thank you, Alan.

Thank you, Dolly.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Ellen, I have a few things to say to you that are going to be hard to hear, but

the better it comes from me.

You sometimes worry too much about what others think of you.

And sometimes you lose your temper.

And even though you were provoked, Harry, it's no excuse.

But it's okay because you're growing and learning.

Thank you, Ellen.

Peter?

Peter.

You still haven't gotten over the pain of adolescence.

Sometimes you...

You just reminded me of something I wish I had said. Can I just... No problem.

Ellen, sometimes you didn't fit in when you were a teenager,

and sometimes you still feel the same way now.

Number two.

Peter? You are more comfortable giving love than receiving love.

Sometimes... Peter, I'm sorry. I just, again... You're reminding me of things

that I should have said. Is it a problem?

No, why would it be a problem? Okay.

Ellen, look at me.

Sometimes you care too much.

But all in all, you're...

Very happy.

And it's great that you're happy.

Are you blushing?

You need to learn to take a compliment.

And finally, Peter, you're gay.

Ellen?

I don't have anything else.

Now, let us pair up and see how others view us. Only then will our true wise

emerge.

Okay, remember, honesty, no holding back, okay?

Ellen, would you please start? And remember, a loving touch is important.

Peter, I think that you are very decent.

And I love your ability to always look for the positive in life.

And I think that you are one of the most honest and insightful...

people that I have ever met.

And you always smell so fresh.

Ellen, you are a kind and gentle soul.

Oh.

You have a heart as big as all outdoors.

Oh, but outdoors is so big.

But I don't think you're as happy as you pretend to be.

In fact, I think you pretend about a lot of things.

And, uh, in fact...

I don't think you're completely honest with yourself.

For instance, and Barrett will agree with me on this, sometimes you... Did

you ever

think the day would come when you would feel comfortable sitting naked in a

mineral pool with total strangers?

Well, is that day here already?

I love this exercise, finding the child inside of me.

Harry's not comfortable when I walk around the house naked.

You scare the dogs.

I think it's fine to be naked. It's perfectly normal. As the dolly says, you

know, we come into this world naked, and then we also go out naked, which is...

No, we don't go out naked. I mean, sometimes you do. If you die, like, for

instance, now, if we die in the mental tub, we don't be naked.

So it would... be what the dolly said, but you can learn so much without

on, as the dolly says. I don't know what, but probably more than if you had

clothes on, what we would be learning. I could walk around the house naked if I

wanted. I don't have a dog. Although, I probably wouldn't anyway, even if I had

a dolly.

Ellen?

Peter?

You haven't said a word since dinner.

Are you still upset with me about what I said at the wise man workshop?

Why would I be upset? Because you told me that I was unhappy, which is totally

not true. I'm very happy. I'm happy right now in the mineral tub with Harry

Alice and this lovely naked lady here.

Discovering the innocence of my child, which you can only do naked, which is

what the dolly says, and I'm happy, and you can't tell me that I'm not happy. I

think maybe you've been in the hot water too long, dear.

Peter, look at me.

I don't think you're happy. Well, I am happy.

You don't sound happy. Well, I am happy.

Okay, all right, you almost got it. Almost got it. To the left, to the left,

the left.

Okay, no, just scratch a little.

See, we can do this.

What, you said Eddie's going to be here at 9?

We've got 12 hours to go, right? We can do this.

He wants to play 20 questions.

Oh, please, do we have to play that stupid game? Yes!

That was one. 19 to go.

You know, you guys, we could just talk.

To each other?

What would we talk about?

I don't know. What do people talk about?

We could talk about art.

Yeah. Art it is. Okay. That's good. Let's kick around art a bit. Okay.

Okay, so would you say 19 questions left?

As explorers, we have an innate sense of curiosity.

Roll around freely, and remember, you are explorers.

I'm Magellan. No, I'm Marco Polo.

And when you bump into someone, ask them a question you cannot answer yourself.

Why is love so painful?

Why is finding your true path so difficult?

I don't know. Maybe because we're all so unhappy.

Is there life after death?

I don't know. Do you think I'm happy?

I'm sorry. I couldn't really hear you. What did you say?

I don't think we're supposed to answer.

Hey, you don't... Don't you... Don't roll away when I'm talking to you.

Do you think I'm happy?

Oh, yes, dear.

Absolutely.

Thank you.

Was it wrong to lie to Ellen?

Great summer. Then after my father and I, after we'd make his rounds, we'd

a jelly donut.

He'd give me a sip of his coffee. It was just like we were two guys talking.

Oh, wow.

That's beautiful.

Yeah. What is it about powdered sugar that always makes me cry?

Hey, can you guys believe that we have been talking for almost 12 hours?

And I'm not even tired. I mean, you'd think I'd be a little bit sleepy, but I

can just keep talking and talking and talking. I don't feel anything at all.

know, it's amazing. I feel like I really got to know you guys. I mean, I had no

idea, Joe, that you were adopted.

And Audrey, I did not know that you overcame dyslexia.

That's amazing.

And honey, I did not realize that you wore faux Chanel at your sister's

Okay, none of this leaves this room, all right?

Hey, guys, you know, I was just thinking, the four of us should get

every week.

Yeah.

That's a good idea. You know what? We could have wine and cheese.

Yummy. Why not?

We could take trips together.

Oh, yeah.

We're never going to do that, are we? God, no.

Close your eyes and relax.

Before we attempt our walk across the coals, we must rid our minds of all

extraneous thoughts.

Breathe.

Exhale.

Relax.

Clear my mind of extraneous thoughts.

Wait, does that count as an extraneous thought?

Shut up, Ellen.

My mind should be empty, a blank slate.

I think the dolly likes me. I think I'm his favorite pupil.

How am I supposed to clear my mind sitting like this? I'm so uncomfortable.

I'm not unhappy. Peter's unhappy.

I see it.

I see a white light.

Walk towards it, Alice.

Walk towards it.

I want you to visualize sitting on top of a big fluffy cloud

floating over mountains.

Over the ocean?

If any displeasing elements appear, simply acknowledge them and blow them

You know, Ellen, I think this whole self -discovery thing is a crock.

I mean, I don't know anything about myself, and I love me.

There's so much humidity in these clouds.

Okay, my hair is frizzy. Great.

Be gone, displeasing element.

Hey, Ellen, don't listen to Peter. Happiness is overrated.

By the way, can Paige and I borrow your cloud? It's bigger than ours. You know,

just for a half hour.

Go away, unwanted and inappropriate thought.

So, Ellen, word around the clouds is Peter told you the truth and you can't

handle it.

Be gone, annoying thought.

I'm not annoying. I'm adorable.

I've been sitting on this cloud all day. Can I go home early?

I'm a phony. I'm a phony. I'm a phony unhappy baloney.

Ha! It's me.

Everyone,

gently bring yourselves out of your meditation.

Ellen.

Five more minutes.

Snooze. Bye.

Bye.

Hello.

Congratulations.

You have completed six stages of our spiritual retreat and are now ready for

fiery coals.

Ellen, I just would not feel comfortable taking my journey without first

apologizing for hurting your feelings.

Oh, that's all right. You know, at lunch I realized, which, by the way, I wish

somebody would have told me I didn't have to be nude at.

I realized that you were right.

It's just one person's opinion.

No, actually, Harry, Alice, June, Mark, and that weird guy that insists on

floating on his back in the mineral pool.

Great with you.

Ellen, you're my friend. I just want you to be happy.

Yeah, me too.

And you too.

Are you ready to take your first step into the life of confidence and self

-discovery? I've got to do this.

Indecision will be a thing of the past. Oh, you're talking to me.

Free your mind and your soul will follow.

In vogue. I have that CD.

Oh, you're all brimming with confidence. So let the journey begin.

Just, Dolly, one quick question. Yes.

How much confidence do I have to actually be brimming? The confidence of

warrior. Okay, now what? Can a warrior have doubts?

Not if he's accompanied by the true wise man.

Ah.

What if the wise man is not particularly happy?

Ellen, you have the power of six guides within you.

That's true. The healer, the warrior, the Indian chief, the construction

the policeman.

Some of those are village people.

Can't we just start out slowly, you know, gradually, like first walking

clothes right out from a dryer?

Oh, please.

Oh, hear her out there, darling.

Oh, Alan, you're not alone.

Everyone has fears. Everyone has doubts.

You're not different. No one can be happy all the time.

Really?

Yes!

So I'm no different than anybody else? No!

I'm like everybody else?

Yes! I'm like everybody else? Yes! I'm like everybody else!