Original subtitles

Where is the library, John?

Where is the library, John?

What? It's good to brush up on my English.

I can't wait to get there and ask John where the library is.

I envy you guys. Christmas in Playa Blanca.

Six glorious days of sun and fun.

Poets have praised it. Lovers have dreamed of it. Come experience La Grande

Aventura del Mexico!

I'm so excited. I haven't ever been on a vacation that has a catchphrase before.

Except for Heidi Hody North Dakota, and I made that one up.

Come out here, you guys. Oh, hey.

What do you think?

Oh, that's totally inappropriate.

You picked this out of the catalog.

As a house coat.

Not for wearing on the beaches of Mexico. Give me that. He's joking.

What? I wish you were coming with it.

Oh, don't worry about me.

Yeah, while you girls are spending your Christmas frolicking on the beaches of

Mexico, I'll be spending a 36 -hour shift in the ER, pumping stomachs,

IVs, and suturing head wounds.

See ya.

Well, you know, do something Christmassy. You know, I mean, at least

I'll get a tree. I'll get a tree. Merry freaking Christmas to me.

Make a cute card.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jennifer Holiday.

You know I'm close.

I'll keep my promises.

Yes, I will.

I'll always listen when you talk to me.

I'll always hear you.

Yeah.

yet all the flights are booked. What gives?

Hey, does anybody know whose dog that is tied to the lamppost? No. He was out

there when we came in this morning.

Well, did anybody think to check? Check for tags? Yes, there were none.

Well, shouldn't we... Give it water? We did.

Well, don't you think that we should... What?

I don't know. I thought you'd answer that one.

Ellen, don't even think about it. Remember what happened the last time you

to save a stray dog?

Listen, coyotes look very, very similar to dogs.

In the end, I think we were both a little bit embarrassed.

I just shouldn't try to put that puppy sweater on him, and that's all.

Well, don't you worry your big heart about it. I'm sure his owner will be

soon. Yeah, I guess you're right.

And besides, you should be thinking about your La Grande Aventura de México.

I know. I am so excited. I've already started preparing by brushing my teeth

with bottled water.

I'm just going to go check on it one more time just to see if it's all right.

Oh, he is so cute.

Too bad it's all tied up like that.

If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that.

Hey,

where's your owner?

Huh?

Can you talk to me?

Can you say hi?

Can you say hi, Ellen?

Hi, Ellie.

Hi, Dad.

Oh, wow, what a great -looking dog.

Hey, come here. There you go. There you go.

What do you do with dog biscuits in your pocket?

Well, I find it helps to distract them from putting their nose in my privates.

Right. Hey, el perro necesita más agua. Excuse me?

The dog needs more water.

Hey, wow, Ellie, you speak it like a native.

The last one was an English dad.

Oh.

Más agua, por favor.

Oh, Ellie, I brought you a going -away present.

Now, this is a Sunbrella.

I figured that you could wear it on the beach.

Yeah, I'll definitely be wearing that. Yeah, I don't want to stand out looking

like a tourist or anything like that.

Debbie, are you going to be okay? What do you mean?

Well, I mean, I can't believe Mom just left you and she's spending Christmas

with Aunt Fern. Honey, we're separated.

That's the way it works.

Besides, I'm going to have the Christmas I always wanted to. I am going to Vegas

by myself.

Oh, yeah. Nothing says Christmas like gambling in a 25 -cent shrimp cocktail.

Gracias. De nada.

Well, Allie, have a great trip. You too, Dad.

And Merry Christmas. Oh, oh, oh, fellas, stay out of there.

Dad, why don't you keep your biscuits in your shirt pocket?

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. What can I do for you? I want to be alone for

Christmas, so I need a Christmas tree, and any one of these will do, I guess.

Well, sorry, but that's not how I do business.

If you want just any tree, why don't you go down to Spuley's?

Hold on a second.

These trees are for sale, right? Well, we don't so much as sell the trees as

match them with the people.

Where exactly is Spuley's?

I'm guessing you're what, like 6 '1", 6 '2"? No, I'm 5 '8". Get out. I'm 5 '8".

Maybe it's just the way you carry yourself. Very important, very, hey,

me, I look bigger than I am.

You know, a fellow like you with that knit cap, it's a big dream.

Yeah.

She gives them beef.

And she's such a great person.

Okay, that's it. It's in the low to mid -60s out there. What kind of person

leaves a dog in miserable weather like this?

Probably some crackhead passed out in his rompus room.

I believe they're called dens now.

Whatever. I don't care what they're called. The point is, he's been out

for six hours, his irresponsible behavior, and it's time that I take

the situation.

Now, which one of you will watch him while I'm in Mexico?

How about you, Joe? It's six days. Helen, get the dog away from me now. Are

scared of dogs? No.

He's a mother of God. He's going to kill me.

Audrey, how about you? Oh, Elliot, I would love to.

Oh, he can sleep right on the end of my bed.

This is one small problem.

Get past the squeaking.

It's okay. I will take care of you. I'll figure something out.

Oh, you little puppy.

Okay. Grab your bag. Let's go. The cab is waiting to take us to La Grande

Avenue.

Ellen, you're not saying it. What's going on?

Oh, God, no.

Look, I know what you're thinking. What? You have no idea what I'm thinking. Oh,

sure I do. Here's what you're thinking. What a cute little doggy. I can't

believe some mean, bad person abandoned you. But thank goodness that Ellen and

the beautiful and talented and kind me, Paige Clark...

I found you because we would never leave the country without making sure you're

taken care of first.

Am I close?

We're going to spew these.

This place is great.

It's deluxe.

Oh, yeah. It's got to be. They can't call it deluxe if it's not. It's the

All right. Hello.

Come on. We have a plane to catch.

There he is.

Hi. I'm Ellen Morgan.

I'm Walter Dembo. Oh.

You must be the D in deluxe.

Nah. Just a quinky thing.

Shut up!

I was just talking to the dogs.

I called earlier.

You're not the chick from 2020, are you?

See?

Celebrities bring their dogs here. Okay, give him the dog. Let's go. Wait, wait,

wait. Can I ask you, what do you do for Christmas around here besides the hat?

No, we're non -denominational. We like to let each dog celebrate his or hers or

its own private way.

The taxi's waiting.

Will you ladies excuse me a minute?

Paige, I can't do this.

What? Yes, you can.

Ellen, come to Mexico. I'm sure there are plenty of abandoned animals there.

Playa Blanca's a beach.

There's probably beached whales.

You know, I want to go as badly as you do, believe me, but I can't leave the

here. I won't be able to relax thinking about it. I'll find a place for the dog,

then I'll fly up tomorrow. We'll have five days to push beach whales back into

the ocean.

I'm sorry, Paige.

Well,

you better be there tomorrow.

I've changed my mind. I'm not going to leave the dog after all.

Women. Shut up!

That was to you.

So I sold the bookstore to buy the house, and now I'm an escrow. I'm not

to bother to explain what escrow is to you. Well, because you're a dog.

But the interest, get this, seven and three quarters on a 30 -year fixed.

Oh, I shouldn't say fixed around you. I am so sorry.

I can't keep calling you puppy.

I can't keep calling you puppy.

I wouldn't like it if somebody called me human.

How about a name for you?

Mr. Puppy.

No, I just put the word Mr. in front of puppy, and that didn't really... How

about Vance?

Do you like that?

That's a good name. Here, Vance. Come, Vance. Sit, Vance.

Vance it is.

You'd make a good therapist.

You know why? Because you're nonjudgmental.

Because you don't fall asleep when I'm talking to you?

If I saw you peeing in a parking lot, I wouldn't think any less of you.

You are almost clean and shiny.

What are

you doing? Well, I

enjoyed the fullness of the bottom and the delicacy of the top. And seeing that

I had to lose five feet, it was obvious I'd let the middle go.

the obvious choice.

What are you going to do about the pooch? His name is Vance. Oh, see, now

named him.

You're going to be very attached to him and then you're going to think about

keeping him. I want to keep him.

Do I have to stay in the matter? No, you don't. Okay, you know the rules are no

pets. I think that's just a suggestion.

I mean, you know, one guy raises chickens in his apartment and ruins it

everybody.

I'm going to be careful. I love Vance. I want to keep him. I mean, you know, I

just... I'll sneak him out. I'll sneak him in. And I'll make sure he doesn't

bark at night. And it's a piece of cake. Only until my escrow closes. How long

is that going to be? 73 days.

Wait a minute. What are you going to do about Paige?

Paige is my friend.

Trust me. I'm not going to let her down.

What do you mean you're not coming?

We've planned this for months.

It's our La Grande... Ellen.

La Grande Adventure de Mexico.

I mean, what am I going to do here by myself?

Hola, roomie.

There's a rumba contest down by the pool. It's mostly seniors, so I think

kick ass.

Is that the honor bar?

You can't do that. No, no, no. You can't eat biscotti off people's plates. Just

because Joe does it doesn't mean it's right.

I'm sorry. I love you, but you're going to have to stay in here.

All right?

I'll be back every 15 minutes to walk you, and every hour I will come in and

hello and I love you. Or the opposite. Whatever. I'll do something.

Sorry.

It wasn't one of my pets.

I don't know if you noticed, but you may have.

Rescue a dog, take it off the street, and put it cooped up in a little tiny

like that. It's better, though. I mean, I'm feeding it. It has a roof over its

head, right?

or two allergy pills.

And I feel much better now.

I'm sorry I'm putting you through this. Oh, that's okay. It's just for another

72 days.

I get it.

There's nobody there. What's not to find?

Hey, why don't we just go sit down in the grotto just for a second, okay?

One, two, cha -cha -cha.

One, two, cha -cha -cha. Can I get a teacup latte, please? Okay, just one

second, please. Just one second. Okay, why don't we just sit down right here.

Okay. All right.

There we go. All right.

Hi.

Please stop that dog from barking.

Barking? What barking?

Oh, that. That's not barking. That's a relaxation tape. A lot of people listen

to surf or rain sounds. That's relaxing to them. I like the sound of a barking

dog. I think of Laddie, the old sheepdog, herding the sheep.

Oh, I almost dozed off right there just talking about it.

She was very stressed out until she started listening to this.

Can we have some service? I've been here ten minutes.

Yeah, I've been here all day. Come on, Ellen, let's take our business

No, we weren't here.

Oh, right. Thank you for bopping shy, McCullough.

Come on, Peck.

Paige, can I have Robinson with suntan lotion on my back?

I know, but it's going to stop soon, and I want to be ready for our La Grande

Aventura del Bego.

Come on, it's just a spot on my back I can't reach.

Come on, please.

Paige, I'm a man of few words, and I just want to say I'm happy for you and

Spence.

Thanks, Joe.

Just wondering, what have you told him about our little thing?

What little thing?

We never had a little thing.

Perfect.

Oh, boy, that was a close one.

Miss Cavanaugh saw me and asked me what I thought I was doing.

What'd you tell her? Walk in my blanket. Oh, yeah.

It's working good.

I got you a little gift.

Oh, I was going to get you something on my trip. Don't worry about it.

A check for half the rent. Look, how did you know?

I mean, I figure I'm making a little money now. Might as well chip in, right?

Oh, don't cash that till February.

See you tomorrow.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Very Christmassy, huh?

you and me on Christmas Day.

Let's see if we have anything under the tree for you. Let's see if Santa thought

you were a good dog or a bad dog.

Hey, fish.

Hey. Hey, babies.

What could this be? Would this be for you? I think so.

Come this way.

Yes. Oh, you're... What do we have? We have... What is it? A smoking jacket?

Is it a sweater?

Is it an ab roller?

It's... What? Let's see.

Let's unwrap it and see what it is.

It's a bone.

It's a bone.

Kids and your bones.

Hi, Ellie.

Hey, Dad. What are you doing here?

Well, I got your message that you canceled your trip.

Well, what happened to Christmas in Vegas?

Well, I went through my $20 by 4 a .m.

And then when I found myself standing in front of the ready teller taking out

another $20, I realized that I had to get out of town.

It's a disease, Ellen.

Lucky you found that out before you blew my inheritance.

I did bring it back.

Thanks,

Dad.

Oh, it's a dice clock. Look at that.

It's half past crafts.

Look at that.

Thanks, Dad.

Let me get your gift.

It's a dog.

Oh, my gosh, what a wonderful present.

Oh, you are beautiful. Yes, you are.

And now I have somebody to walk around the reservoir with me every day and

TV with me and curl up on the bed.

And I think I almost blew the surprise when I saw him outside the store the

other day. Yeah, that was a close one. Oh, what's his name?

I've been calling him Vance, but, you know, you can call him whatever you

No, Vance is a great name.

Hey, Ellen.

You made my Christmas.

I'm glad, Dad.

I got some toys, too. I didn't get a chance. I was just starting to wrap them

when you came in, so I didn't get a chance to wrap them. And he likes to

with a blanket.

You should probably take the dog home now, you know, get used to your backyard

and everything. And I'm not supposed to have pets here anyway, so... So, um, do

you want to have dinner together tonight?

That sounds nice. Why don't I come over and then you and Vance and I can order

in? You got it. Okay.

Say, you never told me why you didn't go to Playa Blanca.

Oh, I couldn't let Audie run the bookstore by herself.

Where's Joe?

Playa Blanca.

Well, I'll see you tonight.

Come on, Vance.

He'll be there in a minute.

I think this is the right thing to do.

I know.

You're going to like my dad, though. He's a great guy.

Merry Christmas.

Fetch.

Come on.

Soy yo, Spence, el médico.

Y yo también, tu amiga Audrey.

¿Dónde está la biblioteca?

Feliz Navidad y saludos a todos nuestros amigos por todo el mundo.

Let's all open our gifts. Sure.

Oh, wow, the new comedy CD.

Taste this by Ellen DeGeneres. What a thoughtful and hilarious.

Hey, I got a Jaguar. Anybody want to trade a car for taste this?

Oh, yeah.

Boy,

Ellen DeGeneres, I love her show.

Do you think the rumors are true?