All language subtitles for Ellen s04e10 Kiss my bum

I cannot believe how much work it takes
to make a Thanksgiving meal.

Yeah, hi. Four seasons?

Hi.

Paige Clark, listen, I ordered the
Thanksgiving deluxe dinner, and I need

be delivered before noon, and I want it
to be perfect.

Let me guess, you finally told Paige
your mom's flying in for Thanksgiving.

Yeah, honey, listen, you don't have
anything to worry about. It doesn't

if you can cook, my mom's not going to
like you. She always finds fault with my

girlfriends, no matter what.

Well, she is not going to find fault
with me.

Okay, yeah. How many pies do I want?

Four? Five? Four?

Paige, we have eight people coming.
You're right, give me eight.

Should we bother telling her that your
mom hates pie?

Think it'll make a difference?

Nah.

The Rebel Ropers!

Here you go.

Mmm, hazelnut, huh? Yeah. I bet you
don't get that down at the shelter, huh?

never. Over there, everything's mocha
this, mocha that.

Ooh, pilgrim's bearing gift.

For you.

A cornucopia. Oh.

I wove the horn myself.

You wove this?

I wove this.

Guess which pilgrim has decided to take
the Mayflower back to England to spend

Thanksgiving with his parents. Alone.

I'm not going to England. My parents
live in Anaheim.

It's called a metaphor?

No, no, no. It's called, we talked about
this, so stop making me feel guilty.

Ellen, I thought I told you to ask him
to leave.

Oh, yes, and I thought I told you that I
wasn't going to do it.

You know, it's weird.

I had this crazy dream last night.

I dreamed that you sold the bookstore,
that I was your boss, and that I made

the rules around here, not you.

Even weirder, I had the same dream, only
I made the rules, and you were out

front in a cage doing tricks for
peanuts.

See, now that's silly, Joe, because why
would the cage be out front?

Ellen,

you know the store policy.

Now, I want that guy out of here. Look,
he just wants a cup of coffee and a warm

place to sit. Well, then he can go to a
shelter. That's what they're there for.

Oh, really?

Have you ever even seen the inside of
one of those? Well, actually, I

every Thanksgiving at the Third Street
Shelter.

Ooh, every Thanksgiving, once a year.

Ooh.

Hello, heaven. I think you're missing an
angel.

And I work at a soup kitchen with my
church group every other Sunday.

Every other Sunday, the church group.

Well,

we all do what we can, right? Yes, we
do. I mean, with me. I mean, between the

recycling and the giving away clothes to
goodwill and practicing random kindness

and senseless acts of beauty.

Don't forget about the 23 cents a day
that you sent to little Miguel in Peru.

sending the 23 cents a day, aren't you?

Oh, my God! Poor Miguel!

Look, Ellen, if you're really serious
about helping, we're kind of strapped

at the shelter.

Why don't you come with me on Sunday?

Oh, just Sunday. Oh, boy, gee, I, uh...
Oh, you're supposed to come with me to

the Rose Bowl Flea Market and help me
find ceramic kitties.

Sunday would be good, yes.

Hey, Ellen.

Hi, Ed. Hey. Wow, this is crowded.

And there are kids here.

Yeah, it's a really busy time of year
for us.

Glad you made it. Well, of course I made
it. You know, I'm a very giving person.

I really am. I gave blood this morning
at the children's hospital.

And then later I gave hair.

I got a haircut.

So they gave... What should I do?

Why don't you go on over there and talk
to Perry there. He'll set you up. That's

Perry? Yeah. Okay.

Hi. Perry, I'm Ellen. Ed sent me over,
said that I...

I should ask you for... Oh, you've got
your gloves. Sorry. I'm sorry. I've got

your nose.

What can I do to help you here? Well,
just grab an apron, grab a ladle, and

in. Okay.

I'd love to help out like this. This
would be great. Yeah. I just had a

flashback from high school.

Sloppy joes or fish sticks?

Ellen, you're too generous. Oh, go on.

No, no, I mean that. You're too, really
too generous. Look, all that food you're

serving here, those portions, we're not
going to have enough left over for the

after -theater crowd.

All right, I have to take some back,
sir. I'm sorry.

There you go. But that's plenty.

You don't want to get too full.

Okay. Boy, I'm no better at this than
when I was waiting tables during

Oh, yeah? I was a waiter, too.

The worst ever.

Oh, I think not. You ever spill an
entire bowl of soup on a customer?

Now, have you ever set fire to a
tablecloth making a flambe?

Oh, no, but we didn't have flambe on the
menu. I'm sure I would have.

Did you ever make a customer cry?

Oh, God, lots of times. Hey,

the line's backing up. Do I have to
separate you two?

Oh, I tell you, that Ed's a nice guy,
but he should loosen up.

You don't know Ed. That's about as loose
as he gets.

So how long have you been doing this?

Well, a couple years.

You know, two, three times a week.

Wow, that's great. This is my first
time.

Well, congratulations.

Yeah. So you're going to be here for
Thanksgiving?

Oh, no, I'm going to be at home. I'm
having friends and family over.

Oh, Thanksgiving, I love it, you know?

All that cooking, the way it smells up
the house.

Oh, I know. You having pies?

Yeah, eight of them.

How many people?

Eight.

Oh, a pie per person doesn't get much
better than that.

You want to come by? You're welcome to
come by my house. Oh, I don't know. I

don't... No, come on. We can spill some
food and maybe set some people on fire

if we have flammies and make them fry.

Well, thank you. All right. You know, I
might just drop by. Good, good.

Guard!

Why did you do that? We're running out
of corn.

Oh, yes.

Yes, we are.

Let me go get some more. In the kitchen,
is that right? Kitchen.

Okay. I'll get it. Right back to you.
All right, thanks.

How's she doing?

Oh, well, that's not bad for a rookie. I
tell you, she's a nice kid. Hey, she

invited me over for Thanksgiving.

Oh, did she really?

Oh, that's great.

You, uh, you got money for the bus?

No. Here you go.

You got a place to stay tonight?

Yeah, I got here early. I got one of the
cots. Well, that's good. It's supposed

to be a cold one tonight.

Thanks, Ed.

Make sure that we hide all the
containers from the Four Seasons before

gets here.

Otherwise, Anne Fern might suspect you
didn't make this pumpkin crab bisque.

I hate this.

I couldn't Spence have just sent her a
picture. Why do I have to be judged on

who I am?

I hear that.

You're never good enough for their
little boy.

Oh, you left Baird's place setting. What
a lovely gesture.

Oh, I made an even lovelier gesture. I
found someone to fill it.

His name's Perry.

Oh, the guy you met at the shelter?

Yeah. Boy, I really admire him. I mean,
he takes time out of his work and his

busy life to help those less fortunate.
We could really learn a lesson from

Perry. Doesn't Ed do that? Yeah, but I
don't want to learn a lesson from him.

That one.

Where's your gravy boat?

Gravy boat? Oh, it's at the gravy dock.

Boy,

I am going to have to get in the gravy
dinghy and roll all the way to the gravy

boat. I'm serious.

I mean, you know what?

I'm getting out of here. I mean, she's
going to hate me anyway.

Why should I bother?

Let's go back.

I'm so glad you're here because I was
worried about you.

Oh, you must be Paige.

Why, you are even lovelier than Spence
described.

Here we go. Set her up to knock her
down.

My favorite Aunt Fern.

This is Audrey. Oh, right there. Audrey
and Peter and Joe. Hi. I'll take your

pants. Oh, thank you.

So how was your flight? The chicken was
dry. The movie was Judge Dredd. You tell

me.

And somehow that's Paige's fault?

I don't think that she... No, no, no,
no, Mom. You know, just say exactly

on your mind.

She's completely superficial.

It's probably not her hair color. And
frankly, she's not good enough for me.

Just, you know, spit it out, Mom.

No, I just, you know, I'm sorry. I'm
just not going to treat you like that.

So, Ellen, tell me, are you seeing
anybody? Because if you're not... Oh, I

just about to answer you, too. Too bad.

Oh, it's Perry.

Look, everybody. Say hi to Perry. Come
on in, Perry.

Hi.

I'm so glad you could make it. Perry and
I work together at the 3rd Street

Homeless Shelter.

There but for the grace of God, right,
Perry?

Yeah.

That's a coincidence.

Ellen and I met through a charity. Have
you ever heard of the Helping Hand?

No, they never helped me.

Oh, boy,

isn't charity great? You know, I don't
know who said it, but someone once said,

it is better to give than not to give
and take.

That dinner smells great.

Okay, Mom, she didn't cook a thing. She
got it all from the 14th.

Know what you want?

She's never seen an oven. Does that make
you happy, Mom?

That was great.

Well, before we start eating, let's all
say what we're thankful for,

okay? Who wants to start?

I will. Okay, I'll start.

I would like to say that I am very
thankful for my great friends and

And, boy, you've always been there for
me. I really appreciate that. Like the

time I didn't have a car.

And you gave me a lift. Actually, I
think it was you. Thank you. My car, I

getting a new CD player put in.

And I was getting one of those 10 discs
because, you know, you use the one disc

to listen to the same disc over and over
and over.

So I got the 10 disc player. So thank
you for that. And then when I didn't

any money, when I was in Hawaii and my
wallet was stolen, and you wired me

the... Thank you so much.

And I'm thankful. Oh, for my house. My
new house. I bought a new house. I have

two houses. This is so funny because I
have this house, I have the apartment,

and I have the other house. And I have
the three bedrooms and three bathrooms.

And, oh, boy. Listen to me hogging all
the time. I'm sorry. Perry, you go.

Oh, well, let's see. I'm thankful to
Ellen for inviting me over today.

And I'm thankful that the winters aren't
as cold here as they are in Boston.

And I'm...

Thankful for the Third Street shelter
for taking me in so I don't have to

on the street.

I'm thankful I didn't go before Perry.

So, uh, does anybody else want to say
thanks?

No.

Okay, well, then I guess some people
have more to be thankful for than

and I would say we should probably just,
uh, let's just eat, okay?

Oh, it's rosemary, oyster, and porcini
mushroom.

Oh, no, I don't think so. I don't think
that... It's actually just breadcrumbs.

It's, uh... Say hello to breadcrumbs.
Nothing fancy. Nothing new. Nothing at

like that. No.

So, you're from Boston.

Yep. Mmm, Boston.

Beantown.

Boston Red Sox.

Celtics.

Boston Tea Party. What was that all
about, huh?

Taxation without representation.

Right.

Boston is Barrett's favorite group.

Would you all excuse me just one moment?

That's the corn.

Oh, um, there's no more.

Sorry, sorry. I just forgot where I was.

That's okay. That happens. People forget
where they are. That's okay. Let me

just... Here, I'll get the corn. Thank
you.

We have plenty of corn now, but you
should know, we don't usually eat like

This is just a freak accident to have
this much food just once a year. We

normally... Sometimes it's just
whatever's in the cabinet. Rice or water

anything at all. We'll eat. It doesn't
really matter. We're not usually...

corn.

Ellen, you did know I was homeless,
didn't you? Of course I did. Are you

Yeah, yeah.

Actually, no, I didn't. But it doesn't
matter. It really doesn't. Of course it

matters to you.

Yeah, and to me. It matters to me. It
matters to... I'm sure to them. It

matters. Of course it does. But, um...
You know, when I was saying earlier

the house thing, I don't have two
houses. The one is an escrow. And you

that... I don't know if he's...

You know, in three bathrooms, that is
just extravagant. I don't need that

I'll probably end up turning two into
public restrooms.

If you don't mind my asking, how did you
end up at a shelter?

Well, I'm sorry.

I really don't feel like talking about
that.

And that's your right. Why should you?
You don't want to talk about it. Let's

not talk about that. Let's change the
subject, okay?

Thanksgiving. It's Thanksgiving, so
don't check your mail. There's no mail.

Don't check the boxes.

In the hallway?

Oh, in the hallway. Okay, there might be
something there. I'll go look in the

hall with you. Okay.

You have got to do something about this.
This is very uncomfortable.

He is a guest in my house. I am not
going to throw him out.

Ellen, no one cares about the homeless
more than I do. I saw down and out in

Beverly Hills three times.

Okay, you've done your part. Let me do
mine.

Ellen!

Without you, the conversation has come
to a screeching halt.

He just wants a home -cooked meal and
good company. Am I the only one who can

make pleasant dinner? So, you're
homeless.

That's a guy to keep you busy.

You know, I'm going to go check on
Paige. Checking on that thing in the

So, I'm going to go check on things.

Well, where were we?

He's homeless.

You know, my Spence floundered around
for a while with no direction, but he

never gave up. And then one day he just
dusted himself off and he said, this is

ridiculous. I am a graduate of Columbia
Medical School. I am going back to

medicine.

Well, I'll just go out and check on
Spence.

I have a feeling I'm making your ad.

Uncomfortable. Don't be silly.

She's from New York, you know, and she's
probably jet -lagged. I mean, New York,

it's five o 'clock to her. So let me go
reset her watch.

I feel a little bit better.

Where'd everyone go?

They're hiding in the hallway.

We're just, you know, we're doing out
here, and what we realize is that every

year at this time, Thanksgiving Day,
what we do is we wish a happy

to the whole building, so that's what
we're just going to do.

Let's get turkeys in.

Enjoy. Don't eat too much of that.

Look, that's nice, and thank you for
your kindness, but, you know, I just

remembered I had other plans for today.

Oh, no, please, please. We're going to
watch football, and we're going to eat

pie. Don't go.

Thanks. Some other time, all right?

See you, Perry. Perry, wait.

Hey, Ellen, what are you doing here?

Just missed Ed Begley Jr.

Story of my life. Why didn't you tell me
Perry was homeless?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Gee, what was I thinking?

For future reference, that guy's
homeless.

That woman's homeless.

That whole table's homeless.

No, it just... It would have been nice
to know. Why? Would it have mattered?

of course not.

I don't think so. I don't know. I
wouldn't have made such an ass out of

Don't sell yourself short, Ellen.

Look. Perry's going to be here soon
enough, and in the meantime, we could

your help busting tables.

You know, I feel awful.

Thanksgiving is about giving thanks.
It's not about saying the wrong thing

making someone feel so bad that they get
up and leave the table.

All right, a lot of times it is, but
usually it's a family member, and then

just gives you another reason to give
thanks.

Nice hit. You see that?

Sorry.

It's just that number 29 reminds me of
Barrett.

How does a 250 -pound black fullback
remind you of Barrett?

29 is the length of Barrett's inseam.

Oh, okay.

See, there are rules when guys talk
about football. Okay, rule number one,

talking about your boyfriend's inseam.

When did we start that rule?

Ah, first down.

Hell of a sweep.

Actually, that was a bootleg.

Excuse me?

If it had been a sweep, it would have
been run by the running back, not the

quarterback. I don't think so.

Once again, we see Washington turn to
the bootleg on third down.

Barrett!

I told my parents that I wanted to spend
Thanksgiving with you, so I hopped in

the car and here I am.

I'm not going to cry.

I'm not going to cry.

Okay, I'm gonna cry.

So what's the score?

Oh, Redskins 28, Cowboys 17.

This is great pie.

How do they get this crust so flaky?

Ice water.

Anything warmer and the pastry just
won't puff.

Okay, um, we have a chance. Washington's
going to a prevent defense.

We should run a draw!

Is this not made...

It's cinnamon with a dash of allspice.

Hey.

Hey. Hey, listen.

You left, and there's pie.

There's eight pies, there's seven
people, and I am really not good at

so I can't really figure out. If you
could come back, it would make it so

easier. I don't think that's a very good
idea. I mean, it was pretty obvious you

and your friends were uncomfortable.

You know, I'm sorry. I just, I didn't
know how to act. I mean, you know...

I found out you're homeless, and I just
freaked out. I'm sitting there talking

about my CD player and my trip to Hawaii
and my house, and I'm very embarrassed.

Look, Ellen, those are great things. I
love those things. I used to own some of

them.

Look, I wasn't born homeless. I had a
job and a wife and a drinking problem,

which I'm working on.

You have a great attitude.

Yeah, well, that and 25 cents will give
me a cup of coffee.

Not in my bookstore.

Buck 50.

Don't you come around when Ed's not
around. It's on the house.

No, it's not, Ellen.

It was lovely meeting you, Mrs. Kovac.
Oh, now please call me Mom.

Okay. Mom.

Well, I'll see you tomorrow. I can't
wait, dear.

Bye, babe. Bye, honey.

See you later.

She's quite a girl. Yeah.

You didn't like her, did you?

Nope.