All language subtitles for Ellen s04e09 The pregnancy test

No, Ellen, will you tell us what's going
on? Yeah, what's the big secret?

Hold your horses, okay? Joe is going to
be here with the champagne any minute,

and I don't know what is taking him so
long. Here he comes.

Let the party begin.

What are you doing? That is a case of
champagne. I gave you $50 for one nice

bottle. All right, here's your change.

Morocco brothers.

Fine Canadian champagne.

Actually, it says here, real good
Canadian champagne.

It's just a hint of maple.

All right, stand back.

Hold on. I shouldn't do it in here with
all the glass.

Okay.

Careful. Watch out. I know. I don't want
to hurt you. Careful. Watch out. All

right. Okay.

Smell the maple.

All right.

I will tell you now. They accepted the
bid on my house. All right. How exciting

is that? So 90 days from now, out of the
apartment, into the house.

Congratulations. Thank you. I'd like to
propose a toast to you, honey, to my

cousin Ellen on the first day of her new
escrow. Thank you, cousins, friends,

and careful, don't break the glasses.

Drink up, everybody. Eleven more bottles
to go.

Ladies and gentlemen, ZV Top.

I'll always listen when you talk to me.

I'll always hear you, baby.

Yeah.

Come on, Ellen. Let's push those
dungarees up so I can wax the rest of

Why don't you just use a blowtorch? It's
more humane.

Oh, that's really funny.

Do you mind if I give that joke to Mike?

Sure. Who's Mike?

Oh, Michael Parker.

He's my boyfriend.

Boyfriend? I didn't know you had a
boyfriend. Why didn't you tell me? Well,

know, you're alone right now and I
didn't want to rub my happiness in your

I met him at the belly laugh.

Ellen, as soon as I heard him do his Don
Knotts routine, my knees buckled and I

knew I was in love.

He's a stand -up? And then some!

I swear, Ellen, my stomach muscles are
taut from laughter.

I haven't seen him about two months.

Hold on.

Isn't he dreamy?

Why is he making that weird face?

Oh, that's his patented wacky face.

Finally, it's about time. Finally, the
chick movies have arrived.

I think I'm pregnant.

What? What? How do you know?

Well, I'm late.

And I am never late.

How could this happen? I mean, weren't
you careful?

Well, of course.

I don't know. I mean, what are the
chances of this? Like one in a million?

You think we did it that many times?

Yes, I do.

What I hear from my bedroom, easily 850
,000 times.

Have you told Spencer?

No, I wanted to be absolutely sure. I
mean, he is really going to freak out.

you know what? Maybe you're not even
pregnant. Maybe you could be late from

weight loss or from stress.

Hey, for instance, are you training for
a marathon?

Have you taken a test?

Give me one of these.

Wow.

Paige, this is a flea collar.

Well, I didn't want them to think that I
was just going in for one thing. I

haven't taken one yet. I'm just, I'm too
scared.

Well, Paige, there is nothing to be
afraid of.

We'll take it with you, right, Ellen?

If it's less painful than waxing, I'm
in.

What do you do?

Uh -oh. I'm going to need some more
water.

Paige, this is going to be so much fun.

Okay, I'll go first. I'm a good test
taker. Got 1 ,200 on my SATs.

You just need enough to dampen the
stick.

Oh, now you tell me.

Are you okay?

I'm not ready for this.

Can you imagine me with a baby?

I'm the one who's used to being needy
and whiny and self -centered.

Voila! Who's next?

I hope me.

No, Ellen, I better go. I can't stand
the wait any longer. Wait.

Did you bring her makeup in there with
her? Did you see?

Stick, stick, stick, stick, stick.

So, I hear the first thing that goes is
your waist.

And then your hips start to widen, and
they never go back, no matter how much

you work out.

I'm in.

All right, so when the timer goes off,
we have the results.

Boy, so this circle turns blue, I'm
pregnant.

That's amazing.

Ellen, if your little circle turns blue,
amazing is not the word.

Having a baby would really change
things, huh?

I love my nieces.

I mean, I love when I go over to my
sister's house and I come through the

they run up and they hug me.

And then I really love when they start
crying, I can just get in my car and

leave.

Yeah, kids are really... Hey, do you
feel differently if they were yours?

It's biological.

It's like you snap into mommy mode and
that's all she wrote.

That's how I felt about my fish when I
got them. You know, I'm sure it's even

stronger with a baby.

I think you'd make a really great mom.

Thanks.

You too, Audrey. Thank you.

But, Audrey, are you and Mike

ready to give up your independence to
take on responsibility for a whole other

life? I'd love to be a mom. How'd you
know about Mike?

You know...

think of it so much as giving something
up as adding to what I already have.

Hey, George Michael's at the forum. I
was hoping he'd tour again. He is great.

It's girl's night.

You're never going to believe what I
just did. What?

You got something in the oven?

God, I hope not.

So, I'm on the way to the gym, right? Uh
-huh. So I stop at Cabasa Grande for my

pre -workout burrito, right? Uh -huh.
There's a guy sitting in there, right?

starts choking, right? So I don't even
think about it. I go right into mode

there. I grab him, start doing the
Heimlich. Nothing doing.

He becomes cyanotic, right?

So I grab a knife, make an incision into
his throat, pop a pen in.

Long story short, guy's in a hospital
doing fine.

That's amazing.

That's great. You should go out and
celebrate, and then we'll meet you out

No, check this out.

There was a news crew there, so it's
going to be on TV tonight.

Oh, no kidding. Yeah.

That's a weird picture of Mike.

And coming up later, is there brain in
the forecast?

And Mystery Man performs life -saving
procedure at local eatery.

That's me.

And they say there are no more good
Samaritans. Now, Kathy, was this guy a

doctor? Either that or just a big fan of
ER.

Am I a hero?

Man,

I am pumped.

I think I'm going to work out.

What am I saying?

Gym's probably closed, right?

That was a good segment. Oh, wow.

We have a winner.

Oh, my God.

totally ignored my thoughts and feelings
on having a baby, you know?

I mean, I'm a woman, you know?

Just because I don't wear pink like
Audrey and do my hair like Paige doesn't

mean that I can't have a baby. I mean,
why would they just assume that my

wouldn't turn blue? I mean, I may as
well have just peed on the flea collar.

This is our first session. Why don't you
tell me?

I think that's kind of lazy, but okay.

Maybe because I'm not in a quote
-unquote relationship.

Do you want a relationship?

No. I mean, yes. I mean, it's not I
don't not want a relationship. What do

think, I'm a freak?

Well, maybe this anger really stems from
the frustration of not being in a

relationship. I'm not angry. You don't
know me. This is how I talk.

Girls' night, it used to be so much fun,
you know? I mean, we would make popcorn

and we would do hair extensions and we
would have pizza.

There was more. It was fun. Don't look
at me like that. It was fun.

Now, you know, Paige is going to have a
baby, and she's in a relationship with

Spence, and Audrey's in a relationship
now with a stand -up. Don't even get me

started on that.

I mean, they're just moving on with
their lives. I mean, what's going to

to me?

What's going to happen to Girls' Night?

So you're afraid that your friends are
leaving you behind?

Afraid? Ha!

See, that's not... See how I laugh? No,
I'm not afraid at all.

And the laughter proves the non
-afraidness that I have.

I mean, just because she's having a
baby, they're not going to leave me. But

she'd still need me with a baby. It's
just I'm just... She's not ready to have

baby. Paige is not. I mean, you should
have heard them talking about it. Like

it's a puppy or something like that.
Like they're going to have puppies.

It's like, you know, it's a big deal to
have a baby. I mean, she's not ready.

I'm more ready than she is to have a
puppy.

Why do you think so?

Because I'm more...

I'm the one with the job with the
regular hours, okay? I'm the one who

care of everybody. I'm the one who just
bought the house. You should see the

house. It's really great.

I just went into escrow. And it's just
the most terrific house. And in the

there's a room that's perfect for a
nursery. Could put a little crib in

I'd paint little animals on the top.
You've seen them, you know, like little

giraffes or little llamas. I'd have
someone do it. I wouldn't do it because

should see how I do it. Ellen, Ellen,
Ellen.

You're just so busy taking care of
everyone else that I guess maybe you

that your friends don't need you to take
care of them any longer.

Maybe. I mean, we're sitting there
talking about really huge issues, really

life -changing issues, you know, and
they just weren't paying attention.

just felt like I was on the outside
looking in.

Well, is this the first time you've ever
felt that way?

No,

it's just that last night, I really, I
just didn't feel like one of them.

What is one of them?

Well, how do you think you're different?

I... I don't know.

You know, it must be very painful to
feel like you don't fit in anywhere.

You're starting to bum me out.

You do have a glow about you. You're
radiant.

Are you kidding?

More so than usual.

Don't look at me. I feel huge.

How did this happen? We are so careful.

I always wear a condom, even when we're
not having sex.

I'm wearing one now.

I mean, look at these things. They're so
huge already.

I just want you to know that whenever
you decide that I'm here for you...

yeah, of course. It's whatever I decide.

That's what I'm saying.

You know, whatever you decide. I'm right
behind you. Okay, so what you're saying

is that I'm all alone in this, is what
you're saying. Yes.

I mean, no.

I mean, what am I supposed to say?

Let's just calm down. Calm down? I can't
calm down. My hormones are just,

they're raging.

In case you haven't noticed, I'm
pregnant.

Oh, my God.

What?

What?

Could I have possibly just felt a kick?

Well, you've been pregnant for about
nine minutes.

Thank you. Oh, hey, say hi to Mike.
Okay.

Oh, Ellen, that reminds me. If I leave
right this minute, I can catch Mike's

last set at the Belly Laugh before he
leaves on his whirlwind tour of junior

colleges.

Well, then leave you must. Oh, thank you
so much.

Okay. Bye. Bye.

To fill you in, Mike is Audrey's
boyfriend.

Oh, I knew that.

Did you know his mom was related to
Gordon Lightfoot?

There's no baby.

What?

I'm not pregnant. I got my period.

Is that a good thing or is that a bad
thing? I don't know. It's weird.

I mean, at first I was scared and then I
was upset and then I was resigned and

then I was kind of happy and I don't
know. I guess.

Listen to me. I can't even blame it on
hormones anymore. I got a suspense.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. The test
was positive. I saw it. I looked at it.

The circle was blue.

Well, I am not pregnant, so he couldn't
have been my circle.

Audrey.

What are you looking at me for?

Can I help you? Yeah, I'm looking for my
friend, Audrey Penny. She's short. She

wears pink. She has kind of an annoying
voice. And she's pregnant. She doesn't

know it, and I do. Don't ask me how. But
she's here to meet Mike Parker.

Oh, Mike. Yeah, he's right over there.

What? He's secretive. Oh.

Well, he's not making that patented
wacky face. Oh, there it is.

That's not Audrey.

Thanks a lot. I'll definitely call you.

I'll definitely call you. You should be
ashamed of yourself.

I should be ashamed for selling my car?

Yes. Because while you're sitting here
selling your car, there's a beautiful,

bright young woman in the bathroom
probably throwing up right now.

What? Am I making myself clear?

Did she see my last set?

Audrey's pregnant.

And by the way, I could be too if I
wanted to.

Why didn't she say anything?

Because she doesn't know. Well, then
how... I know, and she doesn't. Don't

how I know. And maybe I shouldn't be the
one to tell you, but when you're

sitting here trying to sell your car,
which...

is what I'm realizing you were doing is
selling your car.

Audrey's pregnant? My little Audrey?

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Mr.
Mike Parker.

Good evening. Good evening. Hi, thank
you. I'm Mike Parker.

And I'll be honest with you folks. I
want to be a celebrity. I want to be

famous. But, you know, there's a
downside.

Think of your average celebrity.

Look at Don Knotts.

Very likable guy.

But come on, he can't make obscene phone
calls.

He'd like to. He's up at three in the
morning in a dirty bathrobe. Well, I've

been looking at you through the bedroom
window.

Is this John Knotts?

They know it's me every time.

Ellen, what are you doing here?

It wasn't Paige's circle that turned
blue. It was yours.

What? That brings me to my dad's
underwear.

My dad would walk around the house in
his underwear, but he'd always buy them

too big, and then they'd stretch from
there.

And, uh...

I'm going to have to buy diapers.

Not for me, for the baby.

Ellen, the college kids aren't going to
laugh at this.

Do you understand what I'm saying?
You're pregnant.

No, I'm not, silly.

I just had a little visit from my Aunt
Flo.

What is your Aunt Flo?

I'm going to be a dad.

My little Audrey's pregnant.

No baby talk. No talking about babies.
Now, there's a lot of pressure in being

dad, but I'm ready for it. You know, I'm
up.

Michael!

Audrey! Mike, we need to talk. Ladies
and gentlemen, the mother of my child.

Here,

do the rest of my five minutes. No,
you're funny. It'll be good.

Hey.

I've been to a bookstore at closing
time.

Oh, man, it's crazy.

Wow, how did this happen? We were so
careful.

Boy, that is the last time I use a mesh
condom.

Honey, let's do this right.

Let's get married.

No, Michael, you don't understand.

I'm not pregnant. My dear friend Ellen
gave you some bogus information.

You're not...

I don't care. Let's get married anyway.

Look, I've already decided I'm going to
cancel my college tour. No, Michael, you

must not. You work so hard on that
routine lampooning the tenure system.

Now, our undergraduates must laugh,
especially in this, an election year.

But I love you.

Oh,

I love you too, but I'm not ready to get
married.

But we can still... Go steady?

Sure.

But you must go on your tour.

And you know what happens to paperback
books when we can't sell them?

We tear off the cover and send them back
to the publisher.

Get reimbursed.

You can't make this stuff up.

Another quick story. I've got time just
before I go. One last one.

My friends Paige and Audrey and I last
night took pregnancy tests, okay?

Okay, one of them's positive. All right.
So we're thinking, okay, Paige is

pregnant, you know. Uh -uh. No, she's
not, you know. And then we think

pregnant, and she's not either, you
know. So if they're not pregnant,

Oh,

Spence, thank God. I've got to talk to
you. Me first.

Sit down.

I've come to a decision.

From the second I put that chopstick in
that egg roll, I was sure.

No, Spence. No, listen.

I'm going back to medicine.

Oh, really?

Yeah. Spence, that's great. You're going
to be a doctor. Yeah, yeah. And the

best part of it is that I'll be able to
support a family.

Oh, I need to... No, no, no. I've
thought long and hard about this.

Paige Clark, will you... Spence, I'm not
pregnant.

Give me a big hug.

So, while we were busy watching Spence
on TV save some guy's life, a half an

hour had gone by, and, well, you
probably know, as a doctor, you can't

pregnancy test results after a half an
hour, or you could get a false positive.

If you don't believe me, you could read
the Consumer Reports. I believe you. No

one's pregnant.

No, nobody's pregnant. Audrey got her
friend, Paige got her friend. Listen to

me, friend, like, I think I'm 13.

They both got the curse.

And so everything is all right.

How about you?

No, I'm not due for another two weeks,
so...

Oh, you mean how... I'm fine. I'm fine.
Why wouldn't I be?

Well, do you still feel like you're on
the outside looking in? Of course I do,

yeah. I mean, I always feel like that,
but that'll pass.

Well, it might. It might not. Yeah, but
it might. It will. I mean, why wouldn't

it? Well, why would you think it
probably would? Because it's a phase,

It'll pass.

Well, I don't know if that's true.

I mean, how long have you felt this way?
My whole life.

Ellen, this might not be a phase.

Have you ever thought that maybe this is
a struggle that you're going through

to... painfully avoid something that you
really need to take a look at?

You're starting to bum me out again.

Boy,

this guy's night out was a great idea,
isn't it?

You know, it's nice when men can just
get together.

Be men.

You are correct, sir.

Whew!

I'm in.

Boy, these things are a bear to hit.