Original subtitles

No, Ellen, will you tell us what's going on? Yeah, what's the big secret?

Hold your horses, okay? Joe is going to be here with the champagne any minute,

and I don't know what is taking him so long. Here he comes.

Let the party begin.

What are you doing? That is a case of champagne. I gave you $50 for one nice

bottle. All right, here's your change.

Morocco brothers.

Fine Canadian champagne.

Actually, it says here, real good Canadian champagne.

It's just a hint of maple.

All right, stand back.

Hold on. I shouldn't do it in here with all the glass.

Okay.

Careful. Watch out. I know. I don't want to hurt you. Careful. Watch out. All

right. Okay.

Smell the maple.

All right.

I will tell you now. They accepted the bid on my house. All right. How exciting

is that? So 90 days from now, out of the apartment, into the house.

Congratulations. Thank you. I'd like to propose a toast to you, honey, to my

cousin Ellen on the first day of her new escrow. Thank you, cousins, friends,

and careful, don't break the glasses.

Drink up, everybody. Eleven more bottles to go.

Ladies and gentlemen, ZV Top.

I'll always listen when you talk to me.

I'll always hear you, baby.

Yeah.

Come on, Ellen. Let's push those dungarees up so I can wax the rest of

Why don't you just use a blowtorch? It's more humane.

Oh, that's really funny.

Do you mind if I give that joke to Mike?

Sure. Who's Mike?

Oh, Michael Parker.

He's my boyfriend.

Boyfriend? I didn't know you had a boyfriend. Why didn't you tell me? Well,

know, you're alone right now and I didn't want to rub my happiness in your

I met him at the belly laugh.

Ellen, as soon as I heard him do his Don Knotts routine, my knees buckled and I

knew I was in love.

He's a stand -up? And then some!

I swear, Ellen, my stomach muscles are taut from laughter.

I haven't seen him about two months.

Hold on.

Isn't he dreamy?

Why is he making that weird face?

Oh, that's his patented wacky face.

Finally, it's about time. Finally, the chick movies have arrived.

I think I'm pregnant.

What? What? How do you know?

Well, I'm late.

And I am never late.

How could this happen? I mean, weren't you careful?

Well, of course.

I don't know. I mean, what are the chances of this? Like one in a million?

You think we did it that many times?

Yes, I do.

What I hear from my bedroom, easily 850 ,000 times.

Have you told Spencer?

No, I wanted to be absolutely sure. I mean, he is really going to freak out.

you know what? Maybe you're not even pregnant. Maybe you could be late from

weight loss or from stress.

Hey, for instance, are you training for a marathon?

Have you taken a test?

Give me one of these.

Wow.

Paige, this is a flea collar.

Well, I didn't want them to think that I was just going in for one thing. I

haven't taken one yet. I'm just, I'm too scared.

Well, Paige, there is nothing to be afraid of.

We'll take it with you, right, Ellen?

If it's less painful than waxing, I'm in.

What do you do?

Uh -oh. I'm going to need some more water.

Paige, this is going to be so much fun.

Okay, I'll go first. I'm a good test taker. Got 1 ,200 on my SATs.

You just need enough to dampen the stick.

Oh, now you tell me.

Are you okay?

I'm not ready for this.

Can you imagine me with a baby?

I'm the one who's used to being needy and whiny and self -centered.

Voila! Who's next?

I hope me.

No, Ellen, I better go. I can't stand the wait any longer. Wait.

Did you bring her makeup in there with her? Did you see?

Stick, stick, stick, stick, stick.

So, I hear the first thing that goes is your waist.

And then your hips start to widen, and they never go back, no matter how much

you work out.

I'm in.

All right, so when the timer goes off, we have the results.

Boy, so this circle turns blue, I'm pregnant.

That's amazing.

Ellen, if your little circle turns blue, amazing is not the word.

Having a baby would really change things, huh?

I love my nieces.

I mean, I love when I go over to my sister's house and I come through the

they run up and they hug me.

And then I really love when they start crying, I can just get in my car and

leave.

Yeah, kids are really... Hey, do you feel differently if they were yours?

It's biological.

It's like you snap into mommy mode and that's all she wrote.

That's how I felt about my fish when I got them. You know, I'm sure it's even

stronger with a baby.

I think you'd make a really great mom.

Thanks.

You too, Audrey. Thank you.

But, Audrey, are you and Mike

ready to give up your independence to take on responsibility for a whole other

life? I'd love to be a mom. How'd you know about Mike?

You know...

think of it so much as giving something up as adding to what I already have.

Hey, George Michael's at the forum. I was hoping he'd tour again. He is great.

It's girl's night.

You're never going to believe what I just did. What?

You got something in the oven?

God, I hope not.

So, I'm on the way to the gym, right? Uh -huh. So I stop at Cabasa Grande for my

pre -workout burrito, right? Uh -huh. There's a guy sitting in there, right?

starts choking, right? So I don't even think about it. I go right into mode

there. I grab him, start doing the Heimlich. Nothing doing.

He becomes cyanotic, right?

So I grab a knife, make an incision into his throat, pop a pen in.

Long story short, guy's in a hospital doing fine.

That's amazing.

That's great. You should go out and celebrate, and then we'll meet you out

No, check this out.

There was a news crew there, so it's going to be on TV tonight.

Oh, no kidding. Yeah.

That's a weird picture of Mike.

And coming up later, is there brain in the forecast?

And Mystery Man performs life -saving procedure at local eatery.

That's me.

And they say there are no more good Samaritans. Now, Kathy, was this guy a

doctor? Either that or just a big fan of ER.

Am I a hero?

Man,

I am pumped.

I think I'm going to work out.

What am I saying?

Gym's probably closed, right?

That was a good segment. Oh, wow.

We have a winner.

Oh, my God.

totally ignored my thoughts and feelings on having a baby, you know?

I mean, I'm a woman, you know?

Just because I don't wear pink like Audrey and do my hair like Paige doesn't

mean that I can't have a baby. I mean, why would they just assume that my

wouldn't turn blue? I mean, I may as well have just peed on the flea collar.

This is our first session. Why don't you tell me?

I think that's kind of lazy, but okay.

Maybe because I'm not in a quote -unquote relationship.

Do you want a relationship?

No. I mean, yes. I mean, it's not I don't not want a relationship. What do

think, I'm a freak?

Well, maybe this anger really stems from the frustration of not being in a

relationship. I'm not angry. You don't know me. This is how I talk.

Girls' night, it used to be so much fun, you know? I mean, we would make popcorn

and we would do hair extensions and we would have pizza.

There was more. It was fun. Don't look at me like that. It was fun.

Now, you know, Paige is going to have a baby, and she's in a relationship with

Spence, and Audrey's in a relationship now with a stand -up. Don't even get me

started on that.

I mean, they're just moving on with their lives. I mean, what's going to

to me?

What's going to happen to Girls' Night?

So you're afraid that your friends are leaving you behind?

Afraid? Ha!

See, that's not... See how I laugh? No, I'm not afraid at all.

And the laughter proves the non -afraidness that I have.

I mean, just because she's having a baby, they're not going to leave me. But

she'd still need me with a baby. It's just I'm just... She's not ready to have

baby. Paige is not. I mean, you should have heard them talking about it. Like

it's a puppy or something like that. Like they're going to have puppies.

It's like, you know, it's a big deal to have a baby. I mean, she's not ready.

I'm more ready than she is to have a puppy.

Why do you think so?

Because I'm more...

I'm the one with the job with the regular hours, okay? I'm the one who

care of everybody. I'm the one who just bought the house. You should see the

house. It's really great.

I just went into escrow. And it's just the most terrific house. And in the

there's a room that's perfect for a nursery. Could put a little crib in

I'd paint little animals on the top. You've seen them, you know, like little

giraffes or little llamas. I'd have someone do it. I wouldn't do it because

should see how I do it. Ellen, Ellen, Ellen.

You're just so busy taking care of everyone else that I guess maybe you

that your friends don't need you to take care of them any longer.

Maybe. I mean, we're sitting there talking about really huge issues, really

life -changing issues, you know, and they just weren't paying attention.

just felt like I was on the outside looking in.

Well, is this the first time you've ever felt that way?

No,

it's just that last night, I really, I just didn't feel like one of them.

What is one of them?

Well, how do you think you're different?

I... I don't know.

You know, it must be very painful to feel like you don't fit in anywhere.

You're starting to bum me out.

You do have a glow about you. You're radiant.

Are you kidding?

More so than usual.

Don't look at me. I feel huge.

How did this happen? We are so careful.

I always wear a condom, even when we're not having sex.

I'm wearing one now.

I mean, look at these things. They're so huge already.

I just want you to know that whenever you decide that I'm here for you...

yeah, of course. It's whatever I decide.

That's what I'm saying.

You know, whatever you decide. I'm right behind you. Okay, so what you're saying

is that I'm all alone in this, is what you're saying. Yes.

I mean, no.

I mean, what am I supposed to say?

Let's just calm down. Calm down? I can't calm down. My hormones are just,

they're raging.

In case you haven't noticed, I'm pregnant.

Oh, my God.

What?

What?

Could I have possibly just felt a kick?

Well, you've been pregnant for about nine minutes.

Thank you. Oh, hey, say hi to Mike. Okay.

Oh, Ellen, that reminds me. If I leave right this minute, I can catch Mike's

last set at the Belly Laugh before he leaves on his whirlwind tour of junior

colleges.

Well, then leave you must. Oh, thank you so much.

Okay. Bye. Bye.

To fill you in, Mike is Audrey's boyfriend.

Oh, I knew that.

Did you know his mom was related to Gordon Lightfoot?

There's no baby.

What?

I'm not pregnant. I got my period.

Is that a good thing or is that a bad thing? I don't know. It's weird.

I mean, at first I was scared and then I was upset and then I was resigned and

then I was kind of happy and I don't know. I guess.

Listen to me. I can't even blame it on hormones anymore. I got a suspense.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. The test was positive. I saw it. I looked at it.

The circle was blue.

Well, I am not pregnant, so he couldn't have been my circle.

Audrey.

What are you looking at me for?

Can I help you? Yeah, I'm looking for my friend, Audrey Penny. She's short. She

wears pink. She has kind of an annoying voice. And she's pregnant. She doesn't

know it, and I do. Don't ask me how. But she's here to meet Mike Parker.

Oh, Mike. Yeah, he's right over there.

What? He's secretive. Oh.

Well, he's not making that patented wacky face. Oh, there it is.

That's not Audrey.

Thanks a lot. I'll definitely call you.

I'll definitely call you. You should be ashamed of yourself.

I should be ashamed for selling my car?

Yes. Because while you're sitting here selling your car, there's a beautiful,

bright young woman in the bathroom probably throwing up right now.

What? Am I making myself clear?

Did she see my last set?

Audrey's pregnant.

And by the way, I could be too if I wanted to.

Why didn't she say anything?

Because she doesn't know. Well, then how... I know, and she doesn't. Don't

how I know. And maybe I shouldn't be the one to tell you, but when you're

sitting here trying to sell your car, which...

is what I'm realizing you were doing is selling your car.

Audrey's pregnant? My little Audrey?

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Mr. Mike Parker.

Good evening. Good evening. Hi, thank you. I'm Mike Parker.

And I'll be honest with you folks. I want to be a celebrity. I want to be

famous. But, you know, there's a downside.

Think of your average celebrity.

Look at Don Knotts.

Very likable guy.

But come on, he can't make obscene phone calls.

He'd like to. He's up at three in the morning in a dirty bathrobe. Well, I've

been looking at you through the bedroom window.

Is this John Knotts?

They know it's me every time.

Ellen, what are you doing here?

It wasn't Paige's circle that turned blue. It was yours.

What? That brings me to my dad's underwear.

My dad would walk around the house in his underwear, but he'd always buy them

too big, and then they'd stretch from there.

And, uh...

I'm going to have to buy diapers.

Not for me, for the baby.

Ellen, the college kids aren't going to laugh at this.

Do you understand what I'm saying? You're pregnant.

No, I'm not, silly.

I just had a little visit from my Aunt Flo.

What is your Aunt Flo?

I'm going to be a dad.

My little Audrey's pregnant.

No baby talk. No talking about babies. Now, there's a lot of pressure in being

dad, but I'm ready for it. You know, I'm up.

Michael!

Audrey! Mike, we need to talk. Ladies and gentlemen, the mother of my child.

Here,

do the rest of my five minutes. No, you're funny. It'll be good.

Hey.

I've been to a bookstore at closing time.

Oh, man, it's crazy.

Wow, how did this happen? We were so careful.

Boy, that is the last time I use a mesh condom.

Honey, let's do this right.

Let's get married.

No, Michael, you don't understand.

I'm not pregnant. My dear friend Ellen gave you some bogus information.

You're not...

I don't care. Let's get married anyway.

Look, I've already decided I'm going to cancel my college tour. No, Michael, you

must not. You work so hard on that routine lampooning the tenure system.

Now, our undergraduates must laugh, especially in this, an election year.

But I love you.

Oh,

I love you too, but I'm not ready to get married.

But we can still... Go steady?

Sure.

But you must go on your tour.

And you know what happens to paperback books when we can't sell them?

We tear off the cover and send them back to the publisher.

Get reimbursed.

You can't make this stuff up.

Another quick story. I've got time just before I go. One last one.

My friends Paige and Audrey and I last night took pregnancy tests, okay?

Okay, one of them's positive. All right. So we're thinking, okay, Paige is

pregnant, you know. Uh -uh. No, she's not, you know. And then we think

pregnant, and she's not either, you know. So if they're not pregnant,

Oh,

Spence, thank God. I've got to talk to you. Me first.

Sit down.

I've come to a decision.

From the second I put that chopstick in that egg roll, I was sure.

No, Spence. No, listen.

I'm going back to medicine.

Oh, really?

Yeah. Spence, that's great. You're going to be a doctor. Yeah, yeah. And the

best part of it is that I'll be able to support a family.

Oh, I need to... No, no, no. I've thought long and hard about this.

Paige Clark, will you... Spence, I'm not pregnant.

Give me a big hug.

So, while we were busy watching Spence on TV save some guy's life, a half an

hour had gone by, and, well, you probably know, as a doctor, you can't

pregnancy test results after a half an hour, or you could get a false positive.

If you don't believe me, you could read the Consumer Reports. I believe you. No

one's pregnant.

No, nobody's pregnant. Audrey got her friend, Paige got her friend. Listen to

me, friend, like, I think I'm 13.

They both got the curse.

And so everything is all right.

How about you?

No, I'm not due for another two weeks, so...

Oh, you mean how... I'm fine. I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?

Well, do you still feel like you're on the outside looking in? Of course I do,

yeah. I mean, I always feel like that, but that'll pass.

Well, it might. It might not. Yeah, but it might. It will. I mean, why wouldn't

it? Well, why would you think it probably would? Because it's a phase,

It'll pass.

Well, I don't know if that's true.

I mean, how long have you felt this way? My whole life.

Ellen, this might not be a phase.

Have you ever thought that maybe this is a struggle that you're going through

to... painfully avoid something that you really need to take a look at?

You're starting to bum me out again.

Boy,

this guy's night out was a great idea, isn't it?

You know, it's nice when men can just get together.

Be men.

You are correct, sir.

Whew!

I'm in.

Boy, these things are a bear to hit.