Original subtitles

I can't believe you're dragging me to a dating service. Come on, it's a nice way

to meet people.

I'm not ready for this. Well, that's okay.

I'm the one looking for the date.

That's what I'm not ready for. I mean, this is too soon. You just... I mean, if

you want to get to know somebody, get to know Lois. She's a very nice woman. I

know her.

Yeah, well, I do, too.

And she's tired of spending Saturday night with Dr.

Quinn, medicine woman.

Welcome to Alone No More.

Hello, I'm Barbara.

Just think of me as Cupid's little helper.

Oh, I'm Lois Morgan, and this is my daughter Ellen. Think of me as her

helper.

I would have thought the two of you were sisters.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is pretty expensive. Let's go, Mom. Oh, can you

put a price on happiness?

No, but apparently you can.

But, Ellen, it's worth it. Because if there's one thing we all want, it's a

serious, meaningful relationship.

Oh, I don't know how much meaning we're looking for. No, just a simple friend.

You know, somebody to help her with groceries or just, you know, shampoo her

hair if she can't reach or something like that.

Give her a ride home to the podiatrist.

Ellen, this is your mother we're talking about.

I know exactly what you're going through. I have a mother.

Oh, you do? Do you have a father? Yes.

Are they still together?

Yes. Then you don't know! what I'm going through, do you?

Ellen, please.

This is something I really want to do.

All right, go on. Sign her up. Okay, Ellen, we're having a two -for -one

special. I don't suppose you're in a relationship?

Oh, I do suppose I am, yes.

Unfortunately, oh, boy, we're very, very happy. Rico is his name, and he's an

astronaut, and so... She doesn't like him.

I'll always be there when you talk to me.

I'll always hear you.

We can show you off at this party tonight. Okay, now, do you remember

we talked about? Yes. Drink wine, not beer. Don't talk to anyone unless they

talk to me first. Don't mention the fact that I dropped out of law school and

floundered around for most of my adult life.

Good. And?

Just be myself.

Spencer,

I think it is very brave of you to go to this big Hollywood schmooze fest,

especially since you're a nobody.

Thanks.

Now, remember, it is just a coffee date, okay? So you're not stuck with him, you

know? I mean, just because you've seen each other's videos doesn't mean that

have to sit here. If you need some help, just signal me. Just do, you know, kind

of just, you know.

No, that's not good. Just do like a kind of a.

All right.

You know what? What am I?

You're going to have a great. I'm not worried about you. I'm just kidding

because you're going to have the time of your life. I'm very excited for you.

Oh, somebody shoot me.

Ellen, you've got to let it go. Your mom's not a kid anymore. She's a

attractive woman.

I'll say.

I mean, what has just happened? I mean, one minute they're changing your

diapers, and the next minute they're out on a coffee date with some guy named

Vic. Vic.

Oh, Ellen, could this possibly be your mother's gentleman caller?

Of course it is. What am I getting so worked up about? No wonder I need

to be like...

Look, I am so happy to meet you. Here's my mother right here.

Very sweet. I have some biscotti.

Hi,

Vic. Hi.

Hi.

You're Vic?

Uh -huh.

What are you doing here? Get out of here.

Oh, Vic, this is my daughter, Ellen.

Well, Ellen, it's a pleasure to meet you.

Lois, I would have guessed you two were sisters.

Oh, Vic, no.

No, no.

Have a good time. Remember, you know.

Obviously, not her type.

Oh, yeah, that's her fake laugh.

Wow, your mom really hit the jackpot. That guy is a stud.

Oh, there's a signal. Yeah, she needs me.

Oh, boy, that's a shame, Vic, but I validate parking, so bye -bye.

Ellen, what are you doing?

You signaled me. No, I didn't.

Oh... But you're never going to guess what I'm doing tonight. Vic is taking me

line dancing at Denham and Rhinestones, and Trisha Yearwood is appearing there.

Oh, Ellen, I am in such a mood.

I might even have eczema.

Oh, Trisha Yearwood? She's only my favorite country singer.

Trisha Yearwood's in town?

My Trish?

I don't want to talk about it.

I can't believe she's going out with him tonight.

Okay, well, let's review.

She joined a dating service, and now she's on a date.

Well, dear God, how did things go so horribly wrong?

I want her to, you know, have a good time. It's just that I picture somebody

more like him. I mean, what's wrong with him?

Oh, here, let me get that for you. Oh, thank you.

Now, goodbye.

Bye, see you later.

Did you see that?

Yeah. They left.

He had his hand on her.

On her.

On her!

Ellen, what are you talking about? As they walked out, he put his hand on your

mom's back.

A very gentlemanly thing to do, I might add.

No. Obviously, you weren't watching, because if you would have been, you

have seen that he...

Not what happened.

Stop it. What are you... Joe, help me out here, man. What did you see?

Oh, here, let me get that. Oh, thank you. Oh, no, allow me.

Bye.

What are we doing here? You're going to see this guy's tape, and

then what? I just want to see what my mother's getting herself into.

Ellen, this is not Blockbuster. You can't just...

Walk in here and check out the video. Oh, yeah? Yeah, watch me.

Hi, how are you? I'm Ellen. I need to see a video of a guy named Vic, and I

don't recall his last name right now. Sorry.

Tall gentleman, attractive, kind of silvery hair, maybe some sort of

record. That's just a word on the street. I don't know.

Are you a member?

Oh, yeah, I'm sure.

Am I a member?

What kind of question is that?

This is Price Club. Oh,

you mean a member here.

Oh, I didn't realize that's what you meant. No, I'm not a member here, but my

mom is. So, once again, his name is Vic.

Members only.

Okay, let's go now.

Ellen Morgan, you're back.

I knew it.

Sally owe me five bucks.

No, Sally, you don't.

I actually am here with my friend. I just need to use the restroom, but my

friend Paige here...

cannot meet a man. They just don't find her attractive. Isn't that right, Paige?

Yeah, it's true. I can't get a man.

Please help me.

Don't you worry, dear.

Welcome to Alone No More.

And welcome to the rest of your life. Oh, go look at the rest of your life.

Can I get a little glass of water, please? Or do you have to be a member?

What do you think you're doing? Nothing.

I see what's going on here.

You do? Yes.

No one wants to admit they need a dating service.

You want to join, but you're afraid it'll make you seem desperate.

Oh, you got me.

The first time I saw you, I said, this girl is single.

There is no Rico, is there?

No.

And he's not an astronaut.

Please help me, Barbara. I don't want to be alone no more.

You have come to the right place.

Okay, can I see some videos of somebody named Vic? Not so fast.

First, you have to fill out your questionnaire.

Now, these 50 questions were designed to help us help you find the perfect

soulmate. Okay, done. All done. Okay,

can I look at some videos of somebody named Vic? That's what I have in mind is

picturing a Vic. That's who I want to date.

No, no, no, no.

First, you have to make your video. No fair seeing theirs if they can't see

yours. Oh, darn it. See, now, if I would have known I was going to make a video,

I would have brought my makeup bag and my hot rollers and, you know, a tube

I would have gotten all ready.

Don't worry.

Sally, plug in the hot rollers.

I would be happy to do this for you every morning. Yeah, would you?

Okay, Ellen, let's begin.

Hi.

My name's Ellen.

I'm 5 '8", blonde hair, blue eyes.

I'm allergic to shellfish.

I'm allergic to shellfish.

Not all shellfish.

I can eat shrimp, but I don't like it.

It's low in calories, but surprisingly high in cholesterol.

Tell us what makes you an ideal companion.

Oh, well, I live in a van with my 14 cats.

And that's, if you like cats, you'll like me. There's Puffy and Roscoe and

Jiminy and Cricket.

And that's two cats. That's not just one name, Jiminy Cricket.

Although you can say Jiminy Cricket and, well, they'll both come.

And then there's the Big Stinky. And that's an interesting story how the cat

the name the Big Stinky. See, what happened was he ate something one day.

Tell

us

about what you're looking for in a man.

Oh, nothing.

In particular, nothing.

You know, anything.

Facial hair, that's a plus. I like a lot of facial hair.

And back hair is good, too. Just a lot of hair.

I hardly like to see skin at all.

Okay, well, I'll go look at videos. Thank you.

Hi, I'm Vic.

Okay, now we can see what we're dealing with.

I guess you could say I'm very romantic.

Oh, boy, here we go.

I'm not afraid of intimacy and affection, and I know how to show a

time. Not my mom you won't.

I like to take long walks on the beach, and I like to listen to my lady.

Yeah, right. You just want to look up my lady's dress.

I've seen enough of you.

No.

Okay, okay.

How about if a terrible plague...

killed off all the other men on the planet.

No.

Come on, Paige, let's go. Did you see the tape? It's worse than I thought.

on, let's go. Wait, wait, wait.

Are you going to walk out of here like that?

No. Oh, God.

I've saved my life.

me again while we had to dress like this blend in thanks for coming with me i

was either going to some hollywood party where no one knows me or coming here

where hopefully no one knows me okay this is for two have you seen my mother

she's attractive little old woman totally unprepared to be back in the

scene take your pick

what are you

doing

He's sniffing for a high karate. If I smell it, he's around here somewhere.

There's nothing sadder than a bunch of accountants dressing up and playing

cowboy.

Howdy! Howdy!

Oh, Joey, look at us. We look just like the Apple Dumpling Gang.

I think somebody needs to switch to sarsaparilla.

No, I was just excited to see Trish in year one.

Trish up! Trish up!

From all the country bars and all the mini malls in the world, she had to walk

into this one.

with a tan. Ah! Ah! Should I tan with this hair?

Well, these people here see Trisha Yearwood.

Boy, that's nice.

That must be nice to be her. I'd love for all these people to be coming to see

me like that. I like this music. I'm not very familiar with it, but I enjoy it.

I guess you could say I'm a little country.

I'm definitely a little rock and roll.

I'm a little bit of both.

Waking up without you Mama's on the telephone She

says she's got a plan She knows a nice young man Honey, if I come back home

with my cousin.

Do you want to tush -push me? My tush is spoken for.

Hi.

I'm Greg.

I saw you at Alone No More this afternoon and, well, I picked you.

I saw your video and I picked you.

I don't like shrimp either. I hate shrimp.

So you want to dance?

I know the tush -push.

And I know the boot scootin' buggy.

Well, I'll tell you, you are adorable.

You are adorable.

Oh, well, how do you feel about shrimp?

What are you doing? Grace, what happened to your husband's party?

Well, I left. You know, I felt bad for Spence. You know, he's probably

without me.

I never meant to hurt you like Winona did.

No problem.

Don't you worry about this achy, breaky heart.

If there's a line, I'm dancing in it.

What do you say we call it an early evening and you shake hands and say good

night? Ellen, don't worry about your mother staying out late.

My lady's in good hands.

That's not my lady. That's my mother, my man.

Where are you going? We're going for a drink now. There's drinks here. I have a

special spot in my house. Oh, I bet you do. Hey, Mom.

I'm pretty sick about you.

Well, after the dance, we went to Raffles for a drink.

Oh, and they don't have phones at Raffles?

Why would I call my house? I wasn't home.

Stop trying to change the subject.

Is that cigarette smoke I smell on you? Oh, Ellen, I had the most wonderful time

tonight. The music and the dancing.

Vic really made me feel like a woman.

I don't need to hear that. I know what people do on dates.

You do?

Mom, he just wanted to sleep with you. I know. Isn't it wonderful?

Have I taught you nothing? This is how you get a reputation.

Don't be ridiculous, Ellen. I just went out and had a good time for the first

time in a long time.

I had a date.

And I had fun.

Really? You did? Mm -hmm.

Are you going to see him again?

I don't know. Maybe.

Oh, honey, I know this is hard on you.

It's hard on me, too.

You know, life doesn't work out the way we want sometimes, and we just have to

make adjustments.

I know. I know you're right.

I'm trying here. I am.

I know you're a grown woman, but to me, you're always going to be that little 40

-year -old walking out the door.

Did you and Vic... No.

No, honey, Vic didn't get into my jeans tonight.

I could hardly get into my jeans tonight.

I think you're really going to like this one, Lois. According to the computer,

this should be your ideal mate.

Hi, ladies. I'm Harold Morgan.

I love pina coladas and...

Playing the clarinet and walking on the beach and listening to my lady.