Original subtitles

It's hard work.

I mean, you know, you work and work, peeling away layer after layer, trying

get to the heart of it, and there's always more layers.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't like artichokes.

I'm kidding. I know you didn't ask me about artichokes. He asked me about

relationships. He wouldn't ask me about artichokes on our first session. That's

silly.

But I just, no, I'm not in a relationship. I'm not.

And it's not really because I'm not interested. It's just lately I've begun

question... Why do

my parents and I don't do the things we used to do, like dress up like bears and

go to town square and dance for money?

Kiss me, Olga.

I wasn't sleeping. Yes, you were. No, I wasn't. Were too. Was not. Were too. Was

not.

Okay, if you weren't sleeping, what was I saying?

Ah.

What do you think you were saying?

Morgan, the man, the myth, the memoirs.

Chapter one.

Alone again, probably.

That's naturally, Dad.

Having separated from my wife, it is with some trepidation that I take my

from this place where I have lived, laughed, and loved for nigh on 30 years.

Dad, you're just moving upstairs.

Boy, and the move is a lot easier with... Lois and her sisters, we spent a

weekend there last summer. It was yakety, yakety, yakety. I swear, her

my mother.

Chapter two, a man and his garage.

Hey, Paige, are you sure you don't want to come to Albuquerque with us?

What, drive 12 hours in Joe's van to some Dr. Geek's wedding? I don't know.

Right. I just think it's so amazing you're being so cool about me going to

-girlfriend's wedding.

Roberta is your ex -girlfriend. You didn't mention that before.

No, I meant to. I didn't. I think I did.

I am sorry.

Well, it's no big deal. I mean, wouldn't you think I'd be jealous?

Joe's here. Okay.

Okay, have fun.

Thank you, I will.

So, um, did you know that Spence and Roberta used to date? Yeah, I did. I

I told you that, too. I'm pretty sure I did. When we were at that place and you

were next to the ficus, I think I did. I have just unearthed the rocking chair

that I bought in 1956 on my trip to the Pyrenees.

Oh, if I could put time in a barbell.

That's bottle, Dad. You were in the Pyrenees?

You know, Ellie, there's a lot about your old man you probably don't know.

about we have dinner and I'll tell you some of my memoirs? Oh! Oh, boy, that

sounds like fun, but I'm busy that night.

Oh, well, maybe some other time. Yeah.

Ow!

What's the matter, Dad? You all right? My back just went out again. Oh, is it

bad? Yeah, kind of. Let me call Mom. I'll see what you do. No, Ellie, Ellie,

don't you call your mother.

We're separated. I can take care of myself.

Are you sure? Yeah, I'm sure.

I just put a little Vicks VapoRub on it, and it'll be fine.

And if I need some help, I'll just give you a call.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Okay, well, remember, Vicks Vaporub is for external use only.

Don't worry, Ellie, you don't make that mistake twice.

Man, this wedding's gonna be weird.

I haven't seen these people since med school.

Roberta, she's an obstetrician now.

Wild Bill, oncologist.

Dumb Dave, brain surgeon.

Me, the most promising of the bunch.

Living off my cousin and looking for work.

So in med school, did you guys learn how to do alien autopsies?

No, see, that class was canceled on the count of there were no aliens to do

autopsies on.

Are you kidding?

Roswell, New Mexico, July 1947.

A UFO crashes to the ground. The U .S. Air Force finds an alien in that craft.

How do you explain that?

Uh, someone made it up.

Well, I know a guy who knows a guy who has a friend who knows another guy who,

when I get to Roswell, He's going to show me that alien.

Wow, that's a strong connection.

Listen, I hate to disappoint you, Joe, but I have a newsflash for you.

Aliens don't exist.

And the tooth fairy was just my mom prancing around my bedroom in a

Right.

Thank you, thank you, Audrey. I'm opera bound tonight.

Meet in Barrett here, and then we will take flight.

Abissimo! But Barrett told me that he hates opera.

That's a pretty strong opinion for somebody who's never even been to an

Well, unless you count Tommy, which he does, and I do not.

Hey, so,

this Roberta, she's a doctor, so she's not really good looking, right?

Paige, I don't know. I met her one time when she was competing in a beach

volleyball tournament.

Oh, God, she's firm.

Did my dad call?

Why would he call? You just left him. I didn't just leave him. He told me to go.

He's fine.

I'm sure he is.

He just sprained his back. It happens all the time. So don't give me that

All right, all right, I'll call.

I was going to get you two off my back.

He's fine. See? It's busy. He's fine. He's talking to a friend.

Probably forgetting he told me he'd call me if there was anything wrong, so...

He's probably trying to call me right now, but he couldn't get through because

was on the line.

Thanks for your help.

Oh, maybe you guys are right. Maybe he is trying to take advantage of me.

I'm not going to let it happen. That's just too easy. I mean, this is how it

starts. First it's a bad back, and then it's a broken hip, and then he's in a

wheelchair with a ventilator and an iron lung.

I don't have that kind of room in my apartment for an iron lung.

If I had that kind of room, I'd have one already, just sitting in the corner,

just waiting.

I'm going to have to get him a nurse. I'll get him a nurse. That's what I'll

Yeah, she'll take care of him. She'll feed him. She'll read to him.

And then she'll marry him, and she'll drug him, and she'll spend all his money

and leave him some fleabag hotel with one kidney.

I've seen 2020.

Get off the phone! She doesn't love you! She's 25!

Ellen, maybe he took the phone off the hook because he wanted a little privacy.

I had an uncle who said he liked his privacy.

A month later, we found him in the bathtub.

He electrocuted himself trying to make toast.

Now, what kind of a person tries to make toast in the bathtub?

I like toast.

It's always a good sign.

Dad, I want to hear about the Pyrenees.

Are you upstairs?

Don't do anything stupid.

Are you doing something stupid?

Stop!

I'm almost there, Dad. Hold on.

Dad?

Dad?

Dad, are you all right?

Oh, hi, Ellie.

I'm doing the Tegrin Challenge.

Look, I found my old Coast Guard air horn.

Ellie!

That's it. You're coming home with me, Dad.

Oh, your mother's going to be very upset when she finds out you landed on her

azaleas.

I got him. No, I got him. No, I got him, Ellie. I'm down here already. I got

him. I got him. I don't want you. You're just going to hurt your neck. He

doesn't hurt your neck. You're going to hurt your neck, Ellie.

Ow.

Ow. Ow. I got him.

Ow. No. Ow.

Ow. Ow. Ellie.

Ow.

Okay. Okay, honey.

Honey, are you standing up? Yeah. I'm right in the bathroom. Okay.

All right.

You need help?

No, I've done it dozens of times. Okay.

Listen, it's me.

Alan!

Dad, he's back.

No, don't come home. Just tell me what to do.

Okay.

Yeah.

Elevator speed.

Good.

What?

Cold. What?

Cold. I get it. Hot, cold, hot.

Yes, alternate. Hot, cold, hot, cold. Yes, I get it.

Okay. He's back.

Bye. Bye.

Here he comes.

Okay, then, Paige.

All right.

Yeah, I'm talking to Paige. So, yeah, that's my dad. Yeah, okay.

Well, I'm sure sorry we're not going to do anything like we had planned tonight,

too, but I'll see you again real soon, right?

Yeah, that'd probably be good.

Ah, look at Paige Clark.

Look, guess who I'm talking to?

Paige Johnson, my other friend.

I don't know if I've ever spoke about her before, but okay, I gotta go. Bye,

Paige Johnson.

I've got to see what this Roberta looks like.

Yeah, I'm going to tear apart Spence's bedroom until I find a picture of her.

Hey, Dad, I got an idea.

You call me crazy, but how about we elevate your feet?

Okay. Okay. I've got to sit down. Be careful. Slow, slow, slow. Ow, ow, ow.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Ready? Mm -hmm.

We ice your back. How about that?

You know, that's what your mom would have done.

No.

Hey, Ellie.

You know what would hit the spot right now? What's that, Dad?

A piece of pie.

Let's call the pie hole. They deliver.

That's cold.

Dad, the pie hole closed.

Really? They shut my pie hole?

what? I could make you pie. You could?

Oh, Ali, no, no, no. That's too much trouble.

No, it's okay.

I was probably going to make pie tonight anyway.

You know, while I'm making pie, why don't you tell me one of your exciting

stories from your memoirs?

Okay. Off we go.

Chapter five.

The mighty Pyrenees.

They say that every journey begins with a single step.

I say every journey begins with a nice clean pair of socks.

I got it. No, I got it. I got it. No, I got it. No, I got it.

Don't get the phone.

That's what I'm saying.

Hello.

Yeah, Ellen, we have a little problem here.

A customer wants to return a book.

Well, so take it back.

He scribbled in it.

Okay, don't take it back.

I'm scared.

He's European.

Audrey, I am making pie, and I'm taking care of my dad. Don't bother me again.

Don't call me.

Okay, love you. Bye.

Okay, there has got to be a picture of her in here somewhere.

Paige, I'm pretty sure Roberta took all the pictures when she moved out with

Spence.

They lived together?

Well, yes, only in the same sense that he and I live together, only different

the way that they lived in the same bed.

I am not jealous.

I am not jealous.

Paige, it is okay to be jealous. If there's one thing I have learned in

it is to be yourself.

Now, if you'll please excuse me, I'm making pie.

I can't believe that I, a National Enquirer reader, know more about aliens

you, a supposedly educated man.

Joe, you're being incredibly naive.

Do you think humans alone could have built Stonehenge, the big heads at

Island, the Empire State Building? The Empire State Building?

I have a poster in my room of actual humans constructing the Empire State

Building. And I have a poster of King Kong on the Empire State Building. Who's

being naive now?

That firm Dr.

Bimbo's picture has got to be in here somewhere.

Is there a Sports Illustrated in there? Because I know she was in a couple of

those swimsuit editions.

Oh, wait a minute. Okay, I think I found her.

Sports Illustrated, my butt.

Look at those thighs.

That's me, Paige.

That's okay, don't get up, Paige. I got it.

I sprinkled cheddar cheese on the chili.

and let the rich, meaty aroma waft up to my nostrils.

Hi, Peter. How was the opera?

Well, the first 15 minutes were sublime. And then a certain someone, Barrett,

suddenly ran out of snack foods.

We were right at the part where Don José first reveals his love for Carmen.

Carmen, do you want a more, more show? You know it.

And then, in a voice this loud, Barrett goes, I'm bored. I want to go home and

watch Savannah.

That pie's not going to let itself out. Is it her?

No.

That's her.

Ellen, we are having a bookstore emergency and you told me not to call

I paid money for this book.

I don't like this book. I want my money back.

It's the European guy.

Ellen, this is airbrushed, isn't it? I don't know.

Ellen, should I give him his money? Yes. Ellen, how can anybody be bored with...

Okay!

I mean, okay!

All righty.

We're going to have pie. Okay, everybody, pie time.

Because there's not a problem in the world that pie can't solve. Right, Dad?

are singing to the choir.

Okay. Yeah, this will make you feel better. Ellen, what is that?

That's apple pie, Dad. No, no, it's not.

The shape is wrong. The crust is wrong. There's no... apples in it. Okay, that's

it. I can't take care of you. I've done everything that Mom said to do and I

still can't do it.

You called your mother? No.

Yes. I didn't know what else to do. You didn't have to do anything. I never

asked you to take care of me.

Well, who else was going to do it? You separated from Mom and Steve is a

thousand miles away and you can't trust that nurse.

I told you not to call your mother. Well, I did.

I called her and she told me to make pie and I made pie. The only kind of pie I

knew how to make. A square.

and you're going to eat it and you're going to like it, then if you don't,

punch you.

No, Allie.

And another thing, God, when you tell a story, there's a beginning, a middle,

and an end, not just middle, middle, middle.

Allie, here's a really short story.

I'm leaving.

Oh, God, come on.

No, Allie, Allie.

I may be boring, but I have my dignity.

Okay, uh... Have a great time at the wedding. Yes, absolutely.

Great time.

Well, in order for you to have that great time, you're going to have to get

of the van.

Yeah.

You know, I'm going to have so many opportunities to go to weddings with

far more successful than me, but how many chances am I going to have to see a

real alien, which I've come to believe probably do exist?

Well, then, Roswell, here we come.

What can I do you for, cowboy?

You wouldn't happen to have any apple pie here, would you?

Well, it's not as good as what they used to have at the pie hole, but it's okay.

Having a bad night, cowboy? Yeah, you can say that.

I just had a fight with my daughter.

Oh, I've got a daughter.

Nothing I ever do is right.

You know,

I was working pretty hard when...

Alan was growing up, so I guess we didn't get a chance to bond, and it

I'm just trying to catch up.

They don't care what you're going through.

Well, I would like her to know who I am, but I guess she's just not interested.

I sure do love her, though.

Yeah.

If they only knew, huh?

I'll be right back with your pie, cowboy.

Okay, what can I do for you, honey?

Well, let's see. I just said mean things to my dad and threatened to punch him.

So, cherry pie and coffee?

I think so.

Is that you, Ellie?

Thought I might find you here.

I'm sorry, Dad.

Everything started out so great. You hurt your back, I fell off the ladder.

went wrong?

Ow. I'm sorry.

I said that about your apple pie. I know that you worked real hard on it. Hey,

you're in luck. I got some in the freezer. No, thank you.

Here we go.

Thanks. There you go.

Hope you don't mind I made the melon mode.

What's to mind?

Boy, can't tell you two are related.

Hey, it's a spot.

Yeah? You know, it reminds me of a story.

You don't want to hear the story.

I do. I do want to hear the story, Dad, but could you get to the interesting

parts a little quicker? Yeah, you see, that's just it, Allie.

I think it's all interesting, the little things and the big things. And life is

made up mostly of little things, and if you're only interested in the big

things, you're going to miss most of it. It's like they say.

You know, life is what goes on while you're off making big pants.

Dad, not pants.

Tell me the story, Dad. Come on.

Okay. I will call this story the night I had the best piece of apple pie I ever

tasted.

While your mother was in labor with you, I was sitting in the hospital cafeteria

eating the best damn slice of apple pie I ever tasted.

Now, in those days, men did not watch their children being born.

Thank God for that.

But I heard my name over the pager.

Harold Morgan to maternity and I ran upstairs and I ran in the room and there

you were.

And when I held you in my arms for the first time, I knew I would love you for

the rest of my life.

That is a beautiful story, Dad.

I never heard about my birth before.

How come you call it the night I had the best damn apple pie ever tasted?

Oh boy, you scare me.