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Can you believe this? Me, helping Anne Rice sign books in our little bookstore

on Halloween.

It's like a scream come true.

And judging by the way you're dressed, I'd say you are the ghostest with the

mostest.

Well, mister, you really know how to turn a young ghoul's head.

Audrey, that's not a skinny guy. That's a rotting corpse.

Attention, vampires, dummies, and the eternally damned.

I'm assuming that you're vampires. I mean, I don't know. You could be Johnny

Cash for all I know.

But I don't think Johnny Cash has fangs. Although I don't really know. I've

never seen his teeth up close. I'm not a big fan. But, I mean, I like his music.

Maybe I am a fan.

Ellen, in a time I've been back here, Stephen King has written another book.

such a big fan. I've read all of your books and seen all of your movies. Well,

not all of them. I didn't see Exit to Eden. I mean, I love Rosie O'Donnell,

what was that about?

Rosie and I have a pact. We don't talk about that movie. No, I don't blame you.

I love this bookstore, Ellen. I absolutely love it.

It's magnificent.

It's gorgeous.

It has a sort of creepy feeling as though it's haunted by people from

You know, characters out of the books, stuff like that. I mean, at any minute,

the vampire Lestat himself could walk in. A preternatural creature could

suddenly appear.

I mean, I'm getting the chills just thinking about it. I... I... Hey,

driving the black hearse, you left your lights on.

Wow, look who's here. Wolfgang Buck. What do you got for us today, Wolfie?

making you a wonderful vegetable pizza with spicy jalapeno. It's hot.

Ah, hot. Please, I'm from New Orleans.

I mean, temperature hot.

That's rice wine vinegar.

Not for my nails, it isn't.

My manicurist up and left last night for her father's funeral.

Like, canceling my appointment is going to bring him back?

You don't believe in karma, do you, Paige?

Oh, look at this. Something from Camp Pine Ridge.

Let me see. Let me see.

Oh, I always wanted to go to camp.

Why do my parents have to love me so much?

Yeah, you missed out on a lot.

Sleeping in bunk beds, hanging out with the guys in the yard, sassing the boss.

Having to spend the night in a box.

What kind of camp did you go to?

They call it juvie.

Pine Ridge is having their 25 -year reunion.

Oh, I love that camp so much. Remember, I wrote the camp song.

Everybody wants to go to Pine Ridge camp.

25 years to get back at Megan O 'Connor.

Megan O 'Connor?

Yeah, how about I drive?

That's a good idea if you want to go. I'm not going to go.

What are you talking about?

I can't. I mean, if you think the boss man's going to let me skip out for two

days. Go, Alan, have a good time. We're covered.

Oh, man, I love camp.

Camaraderie, rituals, the chants.

Hey, whoever you are, the first time you heard this one.

So who is this Megan O 'Connor?

I will tell you who she is. Oh, God, here we go.

She is this horrible little girl who put this huge wad of gum in my hair while I

was sleeping.

Ew, why would anybody do that?

How would I know? Why are you looking at me?

By the time I woke up, it was all squished in my hair, and Ellen had to

pocket knife and cut it out, and I had this huge bald spot on the top of my

head. I looked like Bozo.

Alas, I don't cry.

Uh -oh. Bad news, Pine Ridgers.

Megan's on the we pine for ye, but can't find ye list.

There goes she's not going to be there.

What am I saying?

Of course I'll go. I am your best friend.

I'm going. I have nothing to hide.

Hey, remember this one?

Baked potato, baked potato, half -baked alligator, rammed ham, boomer gator, she

could walk us home.

All right, everybody, get back to work.

Well, Helen, see, this is our first session, and we're getting to know each

other. I'll understand if you don't want to get into any major issues today.

I put gum in my best friend's hair at camp 25 years ago.

So, that's what you want to talk about today? Okay, if you do.

Why don't we start with you telling me why you did this to your best friend?

Paige is her name.

Well, I didn't think it was going to be that big of a deal, and I thought it

would be kind of funny.

Did Paige think it was funny?

Well, okay.

You know how sometimes people laugh so hard that they cry?

It was like that without the laughter.

I wasn't really popular at camp or anywhere, but especially at camp.

There was this group, and they were called the Dolphins, and they were

pulling these really funny pranks, you know, like, well, I don't know, like

running underwear up the flagpole or short -sheeting beds or putting

over their heads and holding up liquor stores.

That actually wasn't really a prank. That was more of a felony.

And that was one of the counselors, and he never came back. But anyway, the

point is, I thought if I pulled a funny prank, I would... Get to be a dolphin,

because I really, really wanted to be a dolphin. Why was that so important to

you? I was a guppy.

I mean, come on, this is textbook.

I wanted to be accepted.

Ellen, that's perfectly normal. All children crave the acceptance of their

peers. Now, see, the important thing is that you and Paige managed to get past

this and become good friends.

Yes, and it also helps that I never told her.

She thinks Megan O 'Connor did it.

You never told her?

Nope. But, see, now we have this reunion coming up, and Megan O 'Connor isn't

going, so I'm off the hook.

Then why are we talking about this?

Because I'm not off the hook.

Ellen, you will never be off the hook until you can be honest with Paige.

Come on, it's hard enough being honest with you, and you don't even care.

I mean, of course you care. You're being paid to care. And I'm sure you'd care

even if you weren't being paid, but then I wouldn't really know because I

wouldn't be here because you wouldn't let me.

Would you? I mean, would you work for free? You shouldn't work for free.

Why are we talking about you?

She's giving you the eye.

Really?

That does not matter because I am off the market, out of circulation, end of

story.

Oh, I see. The old Spence would have gone over there and flirted with her,

shamelessly said anything to get her back to my place. But I am not that guy

anymore.

Can I be that guy?

At the same time, I don't want to ignore her. That would probably hurt her

feelings, right?

I think I'll just give her my thanks -but -no -thanks wave.

Isn't that the Queen Mum wave?

Are you

sure

you brought enough stuff, Paige?

I have another bag in the car.

Oh, I'm so glad we came. This is so great. Look at the pine trees and the...

the air smells so good.

Look at that pine ridge up there.

Oh.

Camp Pine Ridge. Duh. I'm just kidding.

All right, everybody.

Let's gather around the old flagpole and sing their old Camp Pine Ridge song.

You ready?

One, two, three.

If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.

If you're happy...

Paige, you're not clapping your hands.

Aren't you happy? Are you happy you don't know?

I can't believe that Megan O 'Connor didn't have the guts to show up. Oh,

you're lucky for her, too, boy, man. We would have showed her something, huh?

We'd show her what happens to people who put gum in other people's hair. Boy,

she'd be in big trouble.

I'm going to go to the bunkhouse and get ready for dinner.

Dinner's in three hours.

isn't smelling Ellen Morgan.

I put gum in her hair. Isn't that cool?

The only thing worse than a guppy is a lying guppy.

You know who I heard did it?

Megan O 'Connor. She's cool. Yeah.

My dad has a station wagon.

Oh, hi, Paige. How's your hair?

Better keep the hat on.

Why would Megan O 'Connor do such a mean thing to me?

Paige. I really got to tell you something.

I was really mean of her to put gum in your hair.

It could have been a lot worse.

You know, she could have put hair in your gum, and then you're chewing it,

you feel something hanging at the back of your throat, like a fur ball, and

you're like... She did it because she's a real cootie brain.

We don't need him, Paige. I'll be your friend.

Who made it to the reunion?

Megan O 'Connor!

Excuse me, has anybody seen Megan O 'Connor?

Ellen Morgan?

Hi! How are you? It's been so long.

Ah, look, Mary Margaret.

Well, you look great.

Who are you?

It's me, Megan. I took the name Mary Margaret when I became a nun.

But you were so wild. I mean, you snuck cigarettes. You hung out with the

townies. In arts and crafts, we were making wallets. You made a rosary.

Oh.

You used to make those little weird ashtrays. Those were birdhouses.

Wait a minute.

You're a nun.

You're a nun.

You're a nun? Oh.

You're not lying, are you? No, of course not. You're not lying. You're not. That

doesn't make you a bad nun, but that's... Oh, that changes everything.

That's... You don't know what I'm talking about, but... Paige!

Paige!

You know, the catalog said this was thistle. It is obviously slate.

Oh, yeah, I know what you mean. When I have my heart set on thistle, nothing

else will do.

You'll never guess what's here.

Megan O 'Connor.

Oh, you're kidding.

Sweet, there is a God. Oh, yes, there is, and Megan's married to him.

What are you talking about?

Megan's a nun.

She's a nun?

Yeah. Can you believe it? I mean, that's really a shame. You know, I thought,

oh, Megan's here. Boy, you are going down, sister.

Little did I know how true that statement was.

But, you know, unfortunately now we can't do the revenge thing.

Why not?

Because she said none. She made vows. Well, you know, she's not the only one.

When I was here 25 years ago and everybody was laughing at me except you,

made a vow.

I vowed that I would always have great hair.

That I would grow it long and full and luxurious and protein -enriched with

perfect wisps and highlights surrounding my cheekbones.

Paige, I don't think you can equate the importance of God and a nun's life to

looks in your... Oh, wow, you can.

You know, that's not the only thing. I vowed that I would get Megan O 'Connor

back, and tonight is the night. Here's the plan.

Okay? At the campfire, I am really, really nice to her. Oh, yeah, I'm in on

that. Count me in.

There's more.

After the campfire, we follow her back to the bunkhouse. Oh, bye.

And when she is sound asleep, we sneak over there and we put a huge wad of gum

right on her pillow. Gum on a pillow.

Yeah, or here's what I just, just now. Okay, what we do is we do that little

campfire thing, you know, a little trick. Oh, we're best friends and

She buys that.

Okay, follow her back to the cabin, wait till she's asleep, and then

pack our stuff.

Put it in the car.

Drive home. She never sees us again.

God, I'm evil.

Okay, this is embarrassing. She's still looking at me.

I mean, I feel like a piece of meat.

Well, it's the same old story.

Women always want what they can't have. Ain't that the truth.

Do you have any idea how many beautiful women have come on to me since I've been

wearing this little ring?

Okay, well, none, but, you know, if they did, I'd just tell them this bull is

branded.

But it wouldn't hurt just to talk to her. I mean, you know, it'd be rude if I

didn't.

Hi, how you doing?

I'm Spence, and you are?

Kathy. Kathy, that's a nice name, Kathy.

You know, I can't do this.

You know, it just doesn't feel right.

I am very flattered that you were looking at me. I have a girlfriend, and

in a, you know, a...

A relationship? That's what we're in.

I just, actually, you know what? She's a great girl, and you don't want to see a

picture of her. What am I doing?

So, I'm sorry I bothered you.

Oh, I wasn't looking at you.

What? I was looking at your friend.

Oh, well, of course you were.

That's, indeed, that's good.

Well,

that just works out fine for everybody, doesn't it?

So, what's she saying? She's looking at you.

Oh, no kidding? Yeah. She's looking at me, huh?

Well, like I said, branded.

Oh, yeah.

Boom, Jack.

All right, campers, that wraps it up. Remember, sunrise, sink along

at Eagle Head Mountain. We've got to get some shut -eyes. Hold on, hold on, hold

on. I have one more ghost story.

Ellen, don't you think Megan would like to get some sleep?

Oh, I can stick with one more story. Oh, good. Get ready to have nightmares,

because this is scary.

It's a story about revenge.

How two wrongs don't make a right.

How the best revenge is no revenge.

How to forgive... Ellen, just tell the story.

All right. This is a story about...

One night, just like this one. At a camp, just like this one.

Only scarier.

All right. And this girl did something to this girl when she was sleeping.

Something scary.

She bit her in the neck? Exactly.

Not really. Close.

She got in her car and went home and forgot about it.

Because she took the high road. She let bygones be

bygones.

What kind of ghost story is that?

Wait a minute.

Hey,

don't go. We could sing some more. Come on, let's have a sing -along. Night,

Megan. Okay, well, we don't need them anyway. Come on. I'm starting, and you

come in. Row, row, row your boat.

Gently down the row, row, row your boat.

It's time.

Come on, we follow her back. She falls asleep. We get her. Come on.

I'd like to, but we can't. Remember the camp rules.

Last one about puts the fire out.

Oh, darn it. Well, what we're going to have to do is build a trench around the

fire so it doesn't spread and go get a bucket someplace and walk down to Lake

Echo and get it full of water and walk back very, very slowly so it doesn't

spill.

I wouldn't do that if I were you, which I am.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that this is going to make you

cool. But you know what? Being cool isn't everything.

Although it wouldn't hurt to lose those bunny slippers.

Paige! Paige!

She can't hear you. This is a flashback.

Okay, I didn't want to say this, but if you do this, you're a bad girl.

I don't care.

You don't know what it's like to be me.

I am you.

Um, yeah, like 40 years from now. What?

How old do you think I am? 40 years?

Give me the gum.

No!

Ellen Morgan, don't make me take that gum from you. No!

Boy, Mom and Dad are right. I don't listen to reason.

Ellen. Ellen.

Megan's asleep. Let's get her.

No, Paige.

Megan didn't put gum in your hair. I did.

What?

I did it.

You?

Why would you do something like that?

I wasn't a popular guppy.

I wanted the dolphins to like me.

Why would you want to be friends with kids that called you Smellin' Ellen?

I don't know.

I don't know. I mean, I guess I thought if they got to know me, things would be

different, and then I'd get a better nickname, like Spellin' Ellen, you know?

Remember, I can always spell really well. I still can.

Try me. Kuwait. K -U -L -N.

I didn't care that you were a guppy.

It's what I loved about you.

I mean, I just wanted to be your friend.

And what you did was stupid and thoughtless.

I was stupid.

I was thoughtless.

I was ten.

And in 25 years, you couldn't tell me? I needed a little time.

That is ridiculous.

We've been friends for 25 years. We should be able to tell each other

everything.

Okay, so from now on, we tell each other everything.

Everything. Okay.

Paige?

Slate's not your color.

So everything's okay?

Yeah.

You're not the one who told Gary Green I'd go all the way. No, Paige, that was

you.

Right.

So,

sunrise sing -along tomorrow morning at Eagle Head Mountain. Right. Get some

shut -eye. Okay.

Love you. Love you.

I'm sorry if I messed things up for you.

Hey, stop kicking myself.

It's okay. You couldn't have known.

Cool. Ellen, you're a good girl.

Thanks.

I envy you.

Got a whole summer ahead of you.

And one more thing. In ninth grade, don't let Billy Jacobs get to second

He's a big blabbermouth.

or you're going to do it anyway.

Okay, one more.

This one's for me. It's a pleasure. Anything for my readers. What do you

to write? Oh, um, make it out to Peter Barnes.

May you live forever among the undead.

Oh, but you know, you should write to Peter Barnes, my brother in blood.

Yes, yes, yes. No, no, no, no, no.

Okay. Peter.

For all your support, without which I'd be lost, but spell witch, W -I -T -C -H.

Guys, guys, guys, guys. Let me think of something to write. Okay.

Love and rice.

Ooh, spooky!