Original subtitles

Claire, I know it's only our third session, but I just don't understand how

is going to help us deal with my self -confidence issues.

You have to trust me, Ellen.

But it's my high school journal. I mean, I was so different then. I mean,

everything was different. People were wearing polyester. John Travolta was

popular.

Well, polyester was a lot cheaper then.

So was John Travolta, come to think of it.

Ellen, in order to discover who we are, it's important to understand who we

were. Please, read.

September 20th, 1976.

Thank God that stupid bicentennial is finally over.

They served macaroni and cheese in the lunchroom today, even though the school

paper said American chop suey. I tried to complain, but was told by Mr. Tolan I

should be thankful that in Russia I would have to wait in line five hours

pair of shoes. Have you heard enough?

This is a crucial period in your growth as a person.

Please, continue.

All right, but I'm warning you, I have 20 pages of why Peter Frampton rules in

Aerosmith sucks coming up.

What does Mr. Tolan know? I've decided to express my frustrations in a poem I

call Macaroni and Shoes. This is so embarrassing.

Hey, lunch lady.

Where's my chop suey you advertise in the Edgemont High News?

Hey, lunch lady.

Up your macaroni. I don't care about the Russians or their shoes.

I just don't understand what you could be getting from any of this.

Let's see.

In high school, you were a shy and awkward teen. You were overly kind and

helpful to compensate for your lack of self -confidence. By constantly trying

please other people, you neglected and continue to neglect the person who

matters most, you.

How am I doing?

Why Peter Frampton Rules Supreme and Hours with Spice, Chapter 1.

Yeah, hi, good. Listen, I'm trying to fill out this application for my home

loan, and I just have one question. I've been on hold for a half hour. I'm not

complaining, but sure, I'll hold.

On the day that you were born, the angels got together... Ooh, carpenters!

they get to rainy days and Mondays, put it on speakerphone.

Pleasure's here. You're still on hold?

That's ridiculous.

Hang up. I haven't been on hold that long.

Hang up. Hey, oh.

Oh, what are you doing?

The bank wants a written explanation of why seven years ago I was late on a car

payment. How about this?

It was seven years ago. Get over it.

Oh, that would be fine if I was Little Miss Rude.

What else?

You're getting better. Thank you.

Okay, how does this sound so far? Dear lending institution, I hope this letter

finds you well. Me?

I'm just getting over a cold, but I feel much better.

I took some echinacea. Oh, sure, it smells a little bit, but I put it in a

of orange juice so you don't... Ellen, Ellen.

What does that have to do with getting a home loan?

Well, I'm getting there. I have it somewhere.

You know, you will never actually get a loan. Not with that attitude.

What is wrong with my attitude? There's nothing wrong with my attitude.

I ordered tuna. This is egg salad with onion. Who would order this?

Well, I did, but then the tuna looked pretty good, so I thought you wouldn't

mind.

What's to mind? I'll just pick out the onion and the egg.

See, now that is your problem.

You are a pushover.

In the industry, we invest in people that are confident and assertive. They

like they can get the job done. The Emma Thompsons, the Clint Eastwoods. I mean,

there's a reason they don't throw $50 million at Joe Piscopo and say, go,

Okay, okay, you want confident and assertive? Audrey, hand me that phone

now.

I'm going to call them back.

I'm going to tell them what I feel about what is going on with... Hello?

Yes, this is Ellen Morgan, and I'm calling back for the third time, and I

to talk to the loan department now. I do not want to be put on hold now.

Why do...

after the sixth time the bank put you on hold, what did you do? Well, by that

time, I had just had it, so I told her off. I said, listen, obviously this is

not a good time for you, so I'll call back later. Thank you.

And you think this adequately conveyed your displeasure with her?

Yeah.

Yeah. I think she could tell my have a nice day was half -hearted, like I was

saying, have a nice day or don't. I don't really care. That's how mad I am.

Ellen, may I make an observation?

Is it amusing?

Has anyone ever told you that you tend to ramble?

Ramble? No, definitely not. No, but if by ramble you mean taking time to make

things perfectly clear, then yes, guilty as charged. But, you know, I mean, just

because I make things clear so there's no misunderstanding, that, yeah, I am

guilty of. But you know what I have been accused of is procrastination, but

definitely not rambling. Define ramble.

That.

Ellen, I think that you ramble because you're afraid that if you're direct and

honest, people won't like you.

You're so off base, I don't even know how to address that.

I hope you're not mad because I didn't agree with you.

Ellen, tell me, what's the worst thing that can happen if someone doesn't like

you?

They could yell at me or make me look stupid in front of other people.

Destroy my life.

Ellen, you can't be responsible for other people's reactions, so you might

well be honest and direct. And if they don't like it, that's their problem.

Well, that's easy enough for you to say, but what if it's a wartime situation

and I'm being held hostage?

And I can't be honest because they're making me read my statement off a piece

paper. I mean, I guess I could try to get it across by, you know...

You're rambling again.

If you must ramble, do it in your head, but when you speak, honest and direct.

Understood? Well, but what if there's a... Ellen, in your head.

Understood.

Good. You have to start looking out for number one.

Now, I'd like to talk to you about the role of men in your life.

Ellen, this could take a few minutes.

One of those ball and string things. Great for the nerves.

Oh, yeah.

Very soothing.

Uh -oh. Not soothing. Mayday. Mayday.

That was broken. I was just looking. I was trying to fix it for you.

Okay. We found your file.

Oh, good. I think you'll find everything there for my loan pre -approval.

Everything except for what I had for breakfast this morning.

Grape nuts and bananas.

Why did I lie to him and tell him I had bananas?

Who am I trying to impress?

Okay, small talk. Small talk. I need to make small talk.

Oh, big family. Five kids. Wife happy.

Listen to me. I sound like Tonto.

Why didn't I just say, keep big family?

He hates me.

He really hates me.

Miss Morgan, it says here that you sold your bookstore to the Tom and Larry

Company, but you will continue to manage it for them. Is that accurate?

Well, the paper doesn't lie. The pen is mightier than the sword.

What am I doing? I'm just spouting random phrases.

Answer the question.

Oh, my God.

I've forgotten the question. I think it was something simple. It was yes or no.

I'm going to have to pick something.

No, yes, no, yes, no. Yes?

Okay, I got lucky that time, but I've got to stay focused. They're not all

to be that easy.

Remember, honest and direct, just like Claire said.

Ms. Morgan, I'm a little concerned about this late car payment.

Oh, I can explain that.

It was, um... The truth is, I overextended myself that month and came

little short, and it never happened then.

Well, I appreciate your honesty.

Hey, it works.

Claire was right.

The woman's a genius.

Give me a C!

C! Give me an L!

L!

Well, everything looks to be in order, Miss Morgan.

I don't foresee any problems with this loan.

Really? Thanks.

Really? Thanks.

Well, are we looking at someone who just got a home loan?

Well, it depends. Are you looking at me?

Oh, congratulations!

All right, what happened? Tell us. Well, I hope you don't want the long version,

because I don't tell that long story anymore. It involves rambling, and

just not my style.

Well, how about the short version? All right, I asked the man for a loan. He

said yes. End of story.

Ooh, what a great story.

Tell it again.

I'll tell you what, that Claire is just amazing. She's a genius. I'd do anything

for her. I'd take a bullet for her. Well, not a bullet, but I'd take a pie.

And that's not a ramble. That's just an amusing observation.

I'm so glad this new therapist is working out for you. Yeah, well, if you

that's something, watch this. Joe, you're late.

Ellen, you're blonde.

Joe, just because Ed's not here doesn't mean you can waltz in here 20 minutes

late and get away with it.

Are you sure? Because I think it does.

You'll take a 40 -minute lunch hour instead and make up the time that way.

But... 30 minutes? You want to go for 20, mister?

Whoa, check out the new Ellen.

I missed the jelly -spined Ellen of yesterday.

Too bad, Joe. I can't be responsible for that reaction.

God, you are so confident, honest, and intelligent -sounding.

It's like I don't even know you anymore.

I said our table would be ready in five minutes, but I think we slipped the

maitre d' something we can get in sooner.

Joe, I don't think five minutes is too long to wait.

Fine, don't come crying to me three minutes from now when you're starving.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God! What? You just saw the most amazing

Okay, you know how I like to park in the farthest corner of the parking lot so

no one will ding my car?

So we get out of the car and we see this perfectly well -dressed, respectable

-looking woman squatting by the fence and tinkling.

Oh, Audrey, grown women don't tinkle. We're adults. Just say it. She was going

number one.

Okay. Now, exactly what was it about the squatting woman that screamed

respectable?

Maybe she was wearing a monocle.

We didn't see her face. No, she was wearing a beautiful red jacket and black

heels. At first I thought it was a giant Irish setter, and then I looked at the

heels and the earrings, and I thought Irish setters don't usually wear that

of stuff, you know?

It's not an Irish setter.

Oh, my God, she's coming this way.

What kind of woman would do that in a parking lot in the middle of the city?

I can't believe that was Claire, your therapist.

Your kindred spirit. In whom you confide your deepest, darkest secrets.

Whose parking lot you walk through.

I'm sure she had a perfectly good reason.

Yeah, yeah.

Maybe she was marking her territory to keep other... to keep other therapists

out of the area.

We've been talking about this long enough. We are mature adults.

Can we talk about something else? Has anybody read a book recently?

I did. I read this thriller, Rusty Bed Springs, by I .P. Knightley.

Listen, don't you worry, little bunny. I have a Rolodex full of therapists who

are already toilet trainers.

Listen to you, I am not... I'm not going to leave Claire. What kind of person

would I be if I left my therapist every time I saw one of them pee?

Besides, I mean, she's human.

You know, we've all done things that we're not particularly proud of.

I mean, I pledged $25 to the Labor Day telethon when I was 15 years old and

sent in 20.

The Jerry Lewis telethon?

Ellen, the man entertains America nonstop for 26 hours.

Do you think that toe port is some kind of a joke?

Forget it, forget it. The point is, I'm not going to leave Claire over one

isolated incident.

I wish you'd said that at the beginning instead of dragging Jerry's kids through

the mud.

All I'm saying is that Claire's great, and I'm not going to ruin a perfectly

good working relationship.

You are dreaming if you think that that relationship didn't end in the parking

lot tonight. She's absolutely right. I mean, I don't know how you're going to

able to look at her without thinking about it, you know.

That's where you're wrong. I have enough to think about in those sessions

without wasting my energy on something so trivial as... See, I almost

forgot about it, and I suggest you do the same.

I always thought the P in psychologist was silent.

I fell down, actually. I'm okay.

Claire,

I just want to start off this session by saying that I think that you're great,

and when I look at you, I think of nothing but our good working

Well, that's wonderful.

And how did the meeting with the loan officer go? Great. I got it. I owe it

to you.

Oh, I can't take all the credit, Ellen. I'm not doing this alone. Everything I

do, we do together.

Oh.

There are certain things that you do that are just you.

Things that you do that I could never do.

Like what?

Well, like, uh... Like leaving yourself in a parking lot, you freak.

Like giving me confidence and teaching me not to be afraid of what others

You know why you got that loan, Ellen? Because you were assertive, direct, and

looking out for number one.

When she said look out for number one, I didn't think she meant look out for

number one.

What kind of weirdo am I dealing with?

Ellen. Did you hear my question?

Yes, yes. You said, what kind of weirdo am I dealing with?

What?

I'm sorry. That was an answer to a question I heard yesterday.

Actually, it's a question to an answer. I saw it on Final Jeopardy. It was, what

was the original title of Silence of the Lambs? And, of course, the answer would

be, what kind of weirdo am I dealing with? What was your question?

Ellen, are you feeling okay?

No, actually, no.

No, I'm not.

I'm not feeling so well. Do you mind if we cut the session short?

No, that's okay.

How does next Thursday look?

No.

Great, look forward to it.

Way to be honest and direct.

Shut up!

No, I definitely don't need to order any magazines. I own a bookstore.

Yes, I'll hold.

Close to you.

Well, everything okay with your therapy? Uh -huh. Why?

Because she just walked in. Tell her I died. Hide me. Hide me. Hide me.

Ellen,

let me be direct and honest with you. I do not want your service.

Call me back later.

Ellen, I was in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd stop by. I hope that's okay.

I wanted to talk to you, but actually, may I use your restroom first?

I think Audrey's in there.

Ellen, don't you think it's a little unprofessional of your therapist to show

at your place of work?

No, no, not at all. Completely normal. And on an unrelated note, I have to

leave. Hold on. I thought you said everything was going really great with

and Claire. Yes, yes. Why? What did you think otherwise?

Well, maybe because you asked me to tell your therapist that you're dead.

Oh, that.

Haven't you heard? That's the new expression the kids are saying. I'm

What's up with you?

Okay, I lied. I haven't seen her in two weeks. What did you end up telling her?

I was honest. I said I just need to take some time away from therapy to think

about things.

Ellen. I was so sorry to hear that your friend Paige was struck by lightning.

Two weeks in a row.

What are the odds?

Well, like you said, it was probably because of that metal plate in her head.

Yeah, the metal plate in the whole story. Actually, the second time she was

playing golf in a thunderstorm, which is like your thumb and your nose at the,

you know, especially as tall as she is. She's very tall. She has that high

backswing. She's like Tiger Woods. Ellen.

You're rambling.

Wouldn't it be better if you told me the truth?

Yes, it would. I... Sit down.

It's, um... You know, it's everything we've been talking about. It's me just

being afraid to speak my mind. Well, don't be. You can tell me anything.

I've heard it all. Oh, I don't think you've heard this.

Try me.

Remember, honest and direct. I saw you peeing in a parking lot.

What? I saw you peeing in a... I heard what you said. I just can't believe that

you said it.

Well, you told me to be honest and direct and being honest and direct. Who

hell cares about your honesty?

Did you ever think there might have been a logical reason for what I did?

Yes, we all did. That's all me and my friends talked about.

Your friends?

You told your friends? Oh, my God.

How infuriating. Yes, but I can't be responsible for your reaction. Shut up.

I see, I see. It's do as I say, not as I said I did.

What? Oh, shut up!

You need therapy. Well, duh.

Claire, come on, please.

Please, Claire, don't leave.

Claire, you want to know why I did it, Ellen? Yes, I do. You really want to

know? Okay, fine, I'll tell you.

When I was... No.

You know what?

I'm not gonna tell you.

Oh, Claire.

Let's just leave it as one of life's great mysteries.

Like the pyramids. Oh, Claire, but... Claire!

Boy, that was intense.

Elle, you okay?

What is so mysterious about the pyramids?

Ellen, it wasn't you. It was her.

She's weird, and she gave you bad advice.

No. No, Claire was right. I told the truth, and when you tell the truth, you

the risk that someone's not going to like you. And I may be wrong, but I

think she likes me.

Yeah, I... picked up on that, too.

But, you know, I feel better. I feel really great. I feel like... free.

Just like I got so much off my chest that... Yeah, I'm gonna write some stuff

down. This is gonna make me... This is good.

Hey, therapist lady.

I took your advice.

Hey, therapist lady.

You're not very nice.

Eighty dollars an hour.

Too high of a price.

I'm really getting good at this.

Gee,

I hope Ellen's going to be okay. Maybe I should start chipping in and do more.

Nah, she's fine.

Poor, poor Ellen.

Yet another tragic setback on her road to mental health.

How will all this affect me?

I wonder, if I slam my head in the door, Ellen will let me go home early.

Don't even think about it, Joe.

Huh?