Original subtitles

Hey, Dr. Wickham, I'm back.

What's it been, like two years, something like that? Almost? Not quite.

I brought you one of these coffee drinks. It's a frozen, like a cappuccino

mochaccino or a alpaccino.

Here, have it.

Anyway, I know that my parents' therapy session isn't until tomorrow, but I

thought I'd come and talk to you first because, in a nutshell, they have this

idea they don't belong together anymore. And you and I both know that that's

crazy talk. So what I want you to do is to talk to them. Tell them that love

endures. They're the perfect couple, blah, blah, blah. And you might want to

throw in some of that psychology mumbo -jumbo that you used to use on me.

really good.

And, um, anyway, I'm sorry I'm disturbing your quiet time like this. It

exhausting listening to insane patients yammer on and on all day long. In your

face! I don't know how you put up with it, really, myself.

But, anyway, not that all your patients are insane. I mean, I'm sure some are

normal. The woman in the waiting room, she looks just... What do you talk to

about?

It's nice to see you again, Ellen.

Hey, tap dog, show me what you got.

That's it. Come on.

Oh,

looky.

Another fresh box of company pens.

Smell them, Ellen.

For the last time, Audrey, I'm not going to smell any more company pants. Oh,

come on.

It'll help take your mind off your parents' messy divorce.

It's not a divorce. It's a trial separation.

And besides, we'll probably go to therapy tomorrow, and they'll realize

miserable they are. They'll get back together, and then I bet they take me

for a pony ride. I can't wait.

A pony ride?

Damn, my life.

My parents will probably stay together forever.

Well, amigos, you are looking at the new improved spends. I just quit law

school, joined a gym, and cut dairy completely out of my life.

Even cheese?

It's cheese dairy.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up. Wait a minute. You quit law school? Yes,

ma 'am, I did. Are you crazy? No, ma 'am, I'm not. Did you know about this?

ma 'am, I did not.

Now cut that out.

So you just woke up this morning and thought, I quit law school. It's too

I suck at being a lawyer, so I'm not going to be one.

Yeah, pretty much.

Well, I don't have a problem with that. Yeah.

And don't worry about Ellen, because at some point I'm going to start looking

for a job. Hey, if you want to make some serious bucks, you should work here.

Our new company, Death and Dismemberment Policy.

According to this, if I lose both arms, both legs, both eyes,

I could retire and live the good life.

Or, Joseph, you could just work hard for 30 years, save your money, and invest

it wisely.

Right, and then be too old to enjoy it.

Or... You could come work for me.

What, Barrett's job? Don't you think I'm a little overqualified for that page?

Well, actually, you'd be helping Barrett, but mostly you'd be under me.

I see what you're saying. So it'd be like an entry -level position.

Yeah, come in tomorrow morning and I'll show you where to punch in.

Boy, you'd have to be a genius to crack this code.

You should probably go down to the office and fill out some paperwork.

Ooh, fill out some paperwork. Good one.

Why?

Okay,

my parents are right behind me. Remember, if they want to stay together,

just don't know it. Got it?

Apart bad, together good.

Excellent, yes, but when they come in, use full sentences.

Hello, doctor. Come in. Nice to see you.

We just saw Ned Beatty getting on the elevator.

No, that was Paul Servino. Who was crying at the Academy Awards?

Paul Servino.

Then it was Ned Beatty.

Aren't they great together?

Why don't we all take a seat?

So,

what's

been going on? Well, my parents want to separate, so I thought I'd take you to

talk to you. One at a time, please.

I think I should speak, since I'm basically impartial.

Okay.

My parents are deeply in love. They're having some problems, but their one wish

is to stay together for the rest of my life.

We all on board?

Okay, Barrett, I am done. I have sorted the paperclips by color.

Except for this one.

Would you call this gray or silver?

Put it in a pile by itself. I'll decide later. Excellent.

Excellent.

Okay. Now, what might you want me to do now?

Clean behind the filing cabinet.

Oh, okay. Well, excuse me, but why?

Because when we're thinking about the dirt behind the filing cabinet, we can't

sit at the computer and type because it makes us feel dirty.

Barrett, could you send Spenson, please?

I need him to help me.

He needs to... Just send him in.

You see, Barrett, I'm sorry. I was so looking forward to helping you clean

stuff up behind the filing cabinet, but you know, duty calls, so...

And the fact is that we spent some wonderful years together, but we both

like it's time to move on. In short, we both want to separate, and we're very

happy with that decision.

Okay, what I'm hearing is that there's still a spark.

Well, let's find out. Harold Lewis, I want you to look into each other's eyes.

Take a moment and see if you can find that spark.

Doctor, is it okay if I ask her a question? Yeah, of course it is. That's

we're here for. Let it out, Dad. Okay.

Is it Ned Beatty or Paul Sorvino on NYPD Blue?

Dennis Frantz. Then it was Dennis Frantz we saw getting on the elevator.

Oh, you're right, Carol.

Hey, you feel that? Oh, you two get a room.

You can stop looking at each other now.

Do you feel anything?

I'm kind of feeling a little... Not you, Ellen.

Do you?

I must say, in all my years of practice, I've never seen two people come to a

decision like this with such objectivity and compassion.

I think your relationship, as it stands, is quite healthy.

Yeah, that's what I've been trying to tell him. It's healthy. Yeah, it just

needs a little fertilizer, a little water, maybe some Miracle Girl like that

on TV with bushy eyebrows does. He must use it on his eyebrows. You ever see how

bushy those eyebrows are?

He must have sprinkled so much. Ellen, why don't we let your parents go and use

the rest of the time just for you?

Bye, Doctor. Thank you. Bye. See you a little later.

I know, I know. You think I'm silly trying to keep up this... Charade.

Charade.

It's just that, you know, I think that they're making a mistake. You know, they

belong together. They're going to make the biggest mistake of my life. Their

life. Life.

I never thought I'd hear myself say this to you, Ellen. But what you're feeling

is perfectly normal.

However, life... is not like the movie, The Parent Trap, wherein Hayley Mills'

character, though adorable, felt an obsessive desire to reunite her

parents, whereas you, Ellen, have to come to grips with your parents'

separation.

Now spend an evening alone with thoughts and memories. Look at a photograph

album of the family.

Cry.

Laugh.

Get angry.

But above all, don't hide from your feelings.

Now, does that make sense?

So, let me see if I understand what you're saying.

There's still a chance.

is underrated.

We now return to Hayley Mills in The Parent Trap.

Paige, I've got to talk to you. You know that movie The Parent Trap? Ellen,

don't do it. What?

Don't try to get your parents back together by recreating their honeymoon.

won't work. That's not even what I was going to say.

How did you know that was what I was going to say?

Because I tried it.

I got my folks a cheap motel room, a couple bottles of vodka, and a carton of

Luckys, and before they even got to the fist fight, they passed out.

That's not the parent trap that's leaving Las Vegas.

Okay, my parents' honeymoon was a little more romantic than that. Picture this.

Cuba, 1958.

My parents are having dinner in this steamy, hot nightclub. Eddie Fisher is

singing live.

Their waitress tells the history of Cuba through interpretive dance. If that's

not enough, to top it all off, in walks Fidel Castro, hands my dad a cigar.

I know if I can just recreate that night, they'll fall in love again.

Shouldn't be too hard. I don't think so either. I just need to borrow some props

from the studio to make it look authentic.

Okay, but you are setting yourself up for a big fall. I know, but if I don't

it, I'm going to regret it for the rest of my life. I mean, you said you tried

it.

Ellen, I was eight.

Okay, what do you think I should do?

I don't know. Maybe accept it as a mature adult?

Okay, if you're not going to be serious about this...

I'll help you. Just as long as you realize that this is insane.

Oh, absolutely. I know.

Spence, I need your help Saturday night. I'm turning the apartment into a Cuban

nightclub. Okay, Lucy.

Get your feet off the coffee table.

Make me.

I don't make trash. I burn it.

Oh, come on. You're a gay gentleman. I expect a much wittier response than

Well, then next time put your feet on Oscar Wilde's coffee table.

You know what? I'm not moving my feet.

Oh, really?

Really.

Buster, you are this close to getting fired.

Oh, really? Well, who do you think Paige needs more, Buster, me or you?

Well, we'll just see about that, won't we?

I quit.

Bye -bye.

Barrett, could you get me Jim Garner's people?

He quit. Apparently his highness didn't enjoy my attitude.

He quit?

Yes. Oh, my God. He knows my contacts and my schedule, and he knows where I

the... Don't worry about it, honey. I can learn all that.

That's hot. Call back later.

So you want me to come in and label your files?

Are you crazy?

I don't even think about it. You have got to get him back, and until you do,

are cut off, pal.

What? Him I need. You I just...

steam bath in here.

Ellen wants it to be warm and sultry like Cuba. Well, you look amazing.

sweating and that dress is so hot.

You like what you've seen, you know?

You want to see more? Oh, yeah.

Then get Barrett back!

Is your thermostat on the fritz? It's hot as hell in here. Oh, please, senora,

senora. Please sit down and enjoy the soothing sounds of the Havana Bananas

featuring the intoxicating maracas of Miss Paige.

A rum ricky, a virgin rum ricky on the house.

Lois, what is she up to?

I think she's trying to recreate our Cuban honeymoon.

Well, so far it's working. All my clothes are sticking to me.

Attention, senora, senora. La Favalou is proud to present its headlining act.

Please put your mottos together for Mr.

Eddie Fisher.

I'd like to dedicate my next song to newlyweds Lois and Harold Morgan.

It was written by Ellen Morgan, their daughter, who incidentally hasn't been

born yet.

Gentlemen, why can't you stay together till I die?

I'm begging you, I'm down on bended knee.

Although I am a woman, inside I'm just a little girl

who doesn't want to be a child of divorcees.

Let's swing, bananas!

a child.

Don't make me be a child.

I will not be a child of divorcee.

Dance floor is open. Love is in the air. So let's

somber the night away before the banana split.

But first, Senorita Elenita will interpret the history of Cuba through

accompanied by Senor Spence and his fiery bongos of fury.

from Spain.

Trade winds bring international commerce.

Sauterie Night in 1958.

An exotic Cuban nightclub.

A recipe for romance, no?

Enjoy. I'm planning a revolution next year. Please join us. Audrey.

Right there.

Honey, this is very sweet of you, but we really can't do this. Ellen, Ellen,

we're just feeling uncomfortable.

Well, that's because you're not dancing. Come on. No, we really can't do this,

Ellen. Yes, you can. This is when you fall in love, when you dance right here.

Ellen, it's over.

I'm sorry you went to all this trouble.

Oh, it's no problem. I already have the outfit.

Well, honey, do you want me to stay and help you with the dishes?

No, it's hot. You don't have to stay.

No, it's not the heat. It's the humidity.

Well, we'll call you tomorrow then, okay?

Yeah. Good night, everybody. Really, thank you very much. All of you.

Bye. Bye.

Thank you. You can all go home. Thank you.

Stupid idea. I shouldn't have tried this.

Tom's turban is giving me such a headache.

Ellen, this isn't easy to say, but I think it might help.

I told you so.

I know a certain fruit -headed girl who could use a rum ricky right now.

Do you think this is helping? Have you ever seen the show Friends? They're

supportive of each other.

Well, come on, let's grab a drink. I know a bar where we'll fit right in.

I don't know. I'm in a skirt. Come on. Oh, come on.

Okay, let's say I go for the car and decide to 86 one of my fingers. Which

should it be?

How about this one?

No, I might get married someday.

Oh, Joseph.

Okay, how about this one?

Are you kidding? I drive in L .A.

First of all, I'm sorry about the way I acted.

I'm not coming back to work.

And?

And Paige really misses you.

And I, you know, I miss Paige.

I really miss Paige.

Fine. But I want a raise.

Raise? How am I going to get you a raise?

Don't know, don't care.

Bye -bye.

He's proud of me for accepting my parents' decision, but he thinks it's

start seeing other therapists.

I guess this means I'll start seeing other patients.

Your parents have been waiting for you.

Hey.

We just came by to see if you were okay.

I'm fine, I'm fine. I don't like what you're doing, but I can deal with it,

because I have to, because you're my parents.

Although I have to tell you that if this was anyone else, this would be totally

unacceptable.

We really appreciate what you were trying to do.

It was so authentic.

And we just loved Eddie Fisher.

And those Havana bananas, wow.

Well, the night wasn't a total loss. I mean, how many people get to say that

Eddie Fisher crashed on their couch?

Probably a lot, dear.

Well, we were going through some things that we both want, and we thought maybe

you could help us decide who should get them. Oh, my hand prints from

kindergarten. I really want that.

Well, I really wanted to. I mean, I stayed home every day, all day with

and Stevie. Well, I had to go to work every day, so I couldn't see Ellen and

Stevie. Okay, okay, okay. I'll tell you what. You each get a hand. No, no, don't

do that. It won't be the same thing.

Okay, then, Mom, you keep it at home with you. Dad, you take it on weekends

holidays.

I'm good at this. What else you got in there?

This is a caricature we had made of you when you were nine, and we all went to

Disneyland, and I really love this. Oh, I love it.

too, with your little short haircut and your pants and your little vest.

Let me see.

That's Stevie.

I'm really glad that you and Barrett worked things out. Oh, me too.

Did you miss me?

Let me show you how much.

Paige?

Have you thought about giving Barrett a raise?