Original subtitles

And so let's raise a glass to Harold Cornelius Morgan, my father, my mother's

husband, and everyone's favorite retiring patent attorney.

Cheers. Cheers.

Okay, applause, applause.

And then Audrey rolls a cake in, and I tell everyone about Mom and Dad's big

trip that I'm giving them, and they tell me how wonderful I am, and I tell them

to stop, but they don't, so I say, no, really.

And then the newspapers come in, and they take pictures of me and Jean

Van Damme, and some of those things might not happen.

It's perfect to do it just like that at the party.

Something's not there yet. I'm going to start over.

Well, you know, I don't know how it could possibly get any better.

Thanks,

Tom.

What was that? That laugh? That wasn't there before. I just remembered my dad's

friend Tom always starts with any who without any further ado.

Thanks for that wonderful intro, Tom.

And you won't be needing a bib tonight with that tie, I'll tell you that.

So let's raise a glass. You know, Elle, the first six times I couldn't quite

understand it. Now, what exactly does the bib thing mean?

What is that about?

It means that she's going to serve lobster at the party.

Where'd you get that idea?

Why else would people be wearing bibs? They're not wearing bibs.

It's a joke. Tom wears the big wide ties.

Oh.

You've got to start a speech with a joke.

Okay, well, are you married to that one?

Trust me, this crowd would love that joke. I'm going to start over.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Captain and Tennille.

Yeah!

in the closet.

It's big, isn't it? It's huge, yeah. I mean, I wouldn't want to spend a lot of

time in there, you know, entertaining or anything. Like, here come my parents.

Okay, you stall while I put this gift in the guest bedroom. Tell them I'm in the

bathroom. No, the half bath. That's more sophisticated.

You know what to say.

Yoo -hoo!

Oh, it's beautiful!

Our little girl buying her own house. You know, it seems just like yesterday

that she was running through the sprinklers in the front yard and chasing

up and down the street.

That was Pepper, dear.

You're absolutely right, Lois. Where is my head today?

You must be Ellen's parents.

Guilty as charged.

Hi, Margaret Reid. I'm Ellen's realtor.

Ellen's in the guest room. No, bathroom. No, in the half -bathroom. I know what

to say.

Hi,

Lois. I'm guessing four -bedroom colonial in Orange County.

Yes!

Do me now.

Well, what do you think? Have you liked it?

Look how the light hits the floor. Look at the niches. Two niches in one room.

Isn't that really great?

Tell me the truth. You like it unless you hate it, then lie. No, we love it,

Ellie. And the fireplace is beautiful.

Isn't that what makes a house a home?

And there is nothing like standing naked in front of a fireplace.

Thank you, Margaret.

So, um...

Have you seen the guest bedroom? Not yet, no. Because you just got here.

got to go check it out. It's down there to the left. And it's where you're going

to stay when you come to visit. You know, which is occasionally. Not too

Maybe twice a year. Whatever. You're always welcome.

Go, shoo, scat, go, scat. The guest bedroom. Go see what's in there.

Oh, this is so great. Oh, you are so lucky. Oh, I remember. I remember

my mother my first house.

She said it was too wide.

Wide.

It wasn't wide.

She was stupid.

She was stupid and drunk.

But your parents, they are lovely.

Here they come.

Well?

Ellen, I think we need to talk.

Oh, I know my cue.

How do you like your gift?

14 days on the Sunset Limited. You're finally going to take that cross

train trip that you've always dreamed of. I was going to wait and give it to

at the retirement party tomorrow night, but I just couldn't wait. Look at you.

You're thrilled. You're speechless. Why am I the only one talking?

It's just a wonderful gift, dear, but it's just not the right time for us. I

already thought of that little extra star charge, but I thought it's worth

If I know my parents are not going to like the dates I picked out, you can

change them. No, Ellie, we really can't take this. Yeah, we wanted to wait until

after tomorrow to tell you this so we wouldn't spoil the party, but we need

time alone.

Ah, it's a big train, believe me.

There's like an observation deck, there's a club car, there's a smoking

know you don't smoke, but now that you're tired, maybe you could take it

Ellen, your father and I...

are separating.

I think you just spoiled the party.

Oh, Ellen, come here. We're all taking passwords for our new computerized cash

register. I'm Princess.

Mine's Bacteria.

Pick one, Ellen.

My parents are separating.

Ooh, that's too many letters.

Ellen, you're late.

Sorry, Ed. I just found out my parents are separating.

Ellen, I used that excuse last week. It doesn't work.

Joseph, I fear that she's telling the truth.

This cannot be real. I mean, I know it's a dream and I'm going to wake up and

you'll be there and you'll be there.

What about me, your old pal Joe?

Ellen, I know exactly what's happening.

She's going through the five stages of grief.

Ellen, can you hear me?

Yes, Audrey, I don't think that deafness is one of the stages.

Okay, what you're going through is perfectly normal.

You're in the first stage of grief, which is denial.

If I could just change today, I would do anything.

Okay, now you're in stage three, bargaining. You completely skipped over

Shut up, Audrey.

There it is.

What is she doing?

She's making a lot of little noises.

Uh -oh.

She's going to cry.

I'm not going to cry.

Joseph, do something.

All right. Everybody stand back.

I'm going to hold her. I'm fine. I'm fine. Ellen, are you okay? Your parents

called and told us what's going on.

They're worried because you're not so upset.

Ellen, I know how this feels, and I just want to tell you that I'm your best

friend and I'm here for you.

Oh, yeah.

Good time, Paige.

Yeah, you're there for me now, but for how long?

talking about? Well, my parents said they'd be there for me, too, and look

happens. 34 years later, wham!

Pull the rug right out from under me. How can I believe you? How can I believe

anyone? What can you really count on in this world other than that the sun's

gonna come up every day and every Ally Sheedy movie's gonna go straight to

video? What can you really count on?

Ellen, I'm family, all right? I'm here for you. I'm not going anywhere.

Spence, I think that's a whole other problem.

Ellen, you know you can count on me.

If there's anything in the world you need, just name it. I'd love a cup of

coffee. That'll be a buck fifty.

It's on me.

What is she saying?

Wait, what is she saying?

That she was just showing them the fireplace and how the light was hitting

floor.

And then Menudo, Margaret, Margaret said something cool.

Well, I have a four -year -old.

Talking about Jodie Foster?

Oh, and then you gave them the train tickets.

And they said they were separated.

Well,

Ellen, in my house, when we have a problem, we call a family meeting.

Everybody gets together, we all sit down and talk about it, and nobody leaves

until it's fixed.

Maybe you ought to have a family meeting. Okay.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

What did she say?

Oh, I'm not going to repeat that.

Anybody care for more orange juice? No, thanks, but I could use one of those

Girl Scout Thin Mints if you got some kicking around.

Dad, this is not a social thing. This is a family meeting.

We have a problem. Nobody's leaving here until we solve it. Oh, honey, we know

you're upset, but...

That doesn't mean we can't enjoy some refreshments.

Upset? You think I'm upset?

Wait till your son Stevie calls. I wouldn't want to be in your separated

Stevie? Yeah, hi.

Listen, Mom and Dad have a little announcement they want to make. I'm

put you on speakerphone.

Sweetheart, are you there?

Hey, guys.

Sorry I'm breaking up. I'm in the car.

Hey, Dad, happy retirement.

Did you get my gift?

Hey, Stevie, those golf clubs. Oh, you shouldn't have.

Oh, Dad, you're worth it.

Hey, Stevie, listen, I was out with the clubs the other day, and guess who I

saw? John Ritter. My question is, why isn't that man working?

Stevie, you can call Dad on your own time. This is a family meeting.

Your sister is very upset.

Mom, tell him. They're separating.

What the hell's wrong with you?

I'm sorry, some jerk in a Beamer just cut me off. What were you saying?

Mom and Dad are separating.

Wow, really?

Yeah. Are you kidding?

Yeah, no, I'm not kidding. What does that make you feel like? Like your whole

childhood was a lie?

Not really.

Mom, Dad, are you both happy?

Yes.

I guess I'm okay.

Oh, man, I just got the most amazing parking space.

Thanks for your help. Hey, thanks for the clubs.

Okay, bye -bye.

Bye, guys. Love you, Ellen.

Love you more.

Okay.

Oh, he doesn't know what he's talking about. He used to sit on the porch and

pound rolls of caps with a big rock. How smart is that?

Honey, we didn't plan on this happening.

You know, marriage is so unpredictable.

It's like a... like a volcano.

I think it's like a wave.

No, I don't think it's like a wave at all, dear.

Well, that's where we disagree.

Harold, you're making a scene.

I'm sorry, Ellie. That was ugly.

That's it? That's what you call disagreeing? We almost lost it there.

Oh, well, there's a reason to end a 37 -year marriage. Oh, honey, I think we

should just cancel the retirement party for tomorrow.

Oh, really?

Oh, what a surprise.

I see Harold and Lois Morgan see a little problem in the road and they want

quit. Well, let me tell you something about Ellen Inez Morgan. She's no

I don't know where I got that from.

Maybe your Uncle Frank?

Harold, she's being sarcastic.

You know, I'll tell you something. We're going to have that party. We're going

to have that party and you're going to go and you're going to enjoy yourself

you're going to put on a big fake smile and act like everything's A -OK.

Because that's the Morgan way.

How's she doing?

Well, could be better. Of course, most of the dollar bills are mine.

I meant Ellen.

Oh, she... Who?

She's fine.

Ellen,

you ever see these napkins?

You don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps.

That's a great party, isn't it?

Yeah, oh boy, man, best ever.

Everybody's really enjoying themselves, me especially.

So, what are you doing in here?

Invoices, just getting a jump on next year's inventory.

I'm sorry I was a blubbering mess yesterday. That announcement from my

just the last thing in the world I expected.

Ellen, give yourself a break.

It's only natural that you're upset.

I mean, look, this is your family.

I'll tell you, I've got two beautiful daughters that I love more than life

itself, and...

I promise myself, no matter what happened between Sarah and me... You and

have problems? No.

No, we never fight.

Uh -oh. Red flag alert.

No, no.

No, no, no. Everything is just fine.

You know what?

She's my rock. She's my best friend.

Oh, boy. This sounds familiar.

Those are poor kids. They don't even know what's coming.

Look, do yourself a favor. Call your wife. Tell her you're coming home.

Drag your kids out of bed. Set them on the couch. If you have a little tiny

prop it up so it doesn't fall over.

Fix them all something to eat. You and your wife have a big screaming fight in

front of them.

Otherwise, they're never going to understand why you're splitting up.

We're not splitting up.

There's got to be a reason my parents are separating. We're going to find out

why. Come on. You got the thing rolling? Roll it.

Excuse me. I'm going to make a happy retirement tape for my dad. I was

if you'd say a few things to him. Oh, certainly, Ellen. Hi.

My name is Rose Walker.

I've been your daddy's secretary for 25 years. Oh, he's a wonderful man. Look

who I'm talking to.

Yeah, wonderful, wonderful.

Okay, so 25 years, you're never going to see him again. Relationship over.

That's it.

What do you mean?

Oh, I guess you'll just take up with another patent attorney, huh?

That's what I do. I'm a secretary.

Oh, Harold, we're really going to miss you. I'm not finished yet, Miss Rose

Walker.

If that's your real name.

One more question.

My dad ever come on to you?

What the hell kind of tape is this?

she's hiding something. Come on. I don't know if this is the happy retirement

tape your dad was expecting. Yeah, just keep that thing rolling. Come on.

Hey, Jim, how are you? Hey, little Ellie.

Yeah. So, you want to say something to your brother here?

Hey, Harold, you old blankety blank.

So, uh, you've known my dad for a long time. You ever see him argue with my

No. Hmm. You're saying in 37 years you never once saw him fight?

Ellie, I live in Davenport. Don't be flippant.

Okay, one more question. You were at their wedding when they said to love,

honor, and obey. Did they say till death do us part, or did they say for kind of

a really long time till it gets to be too hard?

No further questions.

Oh, wait. Ellen, let me do something for your dad, okay? Okay, quickly, because

I'm doing something. Okay, me.

Happy retirement.

To you.

Happy retirement, Mr.

Moore.

I have the grave misfortune of having worked with Harold Morgan for 40 years.

Oh, boy, here it comes.

Well, one Harold story leaps immediately to mind. One morning, we came in and

found no coffee had been made. Well, old Harold, he went right in there and he

made some. Perked us all up. But later in the day, he did have to admit that it

was decaf.

Now you see the kind of hijinks I put up with down at the office.

It's amazing he never got any work done at all.

Anywho, without further ado, let's have a few words from our hostess with the

mostest, Harold's daughter, Ellen Morgan.

Thanks. Thanks, Tom.

Boy, with that turtleneck, you won't be needing a bib for the lobster.

to my dad.

You know, when I find out he was retiring, I thought, great, now he and

get to do all the things they ever wanted to do. You know, like see this

country of ours. So as a retirement gift, I bought him a first -class cross

-country train trip.

Shut up! They're not going.

No, they're separating.

Ellen, maybe this isn't the right time.

Oh, no? Why not?

Of course it's the right time. Everybody's here to celebrate your life.

like to call the big fat lie.

Look at this, everybody.

Cake. Places, all the places that my folks won't be going.

Las Vegas?

Uh -uh. Sorry, Siegfried. Sorry, Roy. Won't be going there. Mount Rushmore?

No, Mr. Lincoln. No whoever else is there.

The only train these two lazy quitters will be taking is the no apparent reason

express to Splitsville.

So, okay, who's for cake? Mom, Dad, you probably want separate pieces, huh?

I think everybody wants separate pieces out here.

She's over here in this O.

You know, Alan, you really left us in a bit of a pickle back there.

We had a lot of explaining to do to everybody at the party.

You know, it's just like when you were a little girl.

You always used to climb up in a tree when you were upset.

Alan Inez Morgan, I demand that you come down right now.

Don't make me come up there.

Just because you're sitting in a letter doesn't mean you're too old to spank.

Well, I'm dry.

I want to know why.

Why what, dear?

Why you're separating. I mean, there's got to be a reason.

I know you want some big answer, like that I found your father in bed with

another woman, but it just didn't happen that way.

I'm into that.

What happened was the other night...

We were sitting in the kitchen, eating some of your mom's famous roasted

chicken, and she looked up at me and she said, what are we going to do with the

rest of our lives?

And I said, I don't know.

And that was it.

We just sort of fell out of love, I guess.

So? You fell out of love. You can fall back in love.

It's like bell bottoms. Wait 15 years, it'll come back around again.

I wish there was some way we could make this easy for you, but we can't.

This is so out of nowhere.

I mean, put yourself in my shoes.

You know, what if I said something shocking to you? Like, my whole life has

a lie, and I'm really left -handed.

Oh, God, you're a lefty.

No, I'm not.

All I'm saying is, why change now? I mean, 37 years you've been married. I

how much time do you have left?

I mean, you're my mom and dad, I hope, a lot, but dating -wise, who are you

going to find?

It's not about finding someone else. It's about finding ourselves.

Okay, we'll find you then. Let's do that.

We'll go see somebody, somebody neutral, like a counselor or a therapist or

Jerry Springer.

Please?

For me?

Well, honey, if you want to see one, sure, we'll go with you.

Yeah, really?

Sure, Ellie.

Now come on down.

It's a nice night. I think I'll stay up here a little longer.

All right, honey.

We love you.

Love you more.

Put your pants back on.