Original subtitles

Ellen, I think one of them's still alive. You want me to crush it with a

urn?

Ellen, let me do that. This is no job for thick, stubby fingers.

Just trying to make the place look nice, that's all.

Still trying to impress the man?

Hey, everybody, let's all suck up to the man.

He's not the man. He's just some guy that Tom and Larry's sending over to

supervise a play, so stop calling him the man.

Don't be so touchy. I just didn't know his name.

Oh.

His name's Ed. Ed Billick. He's really great.

He's just like us. He's successful. He's attractive.

He's married.

Well, he's nothing like us.

He's so great. We met last night after work, and we had drinks. We played pool.

Oh, he's funny. He's so funny. There was this thing that happened. Wait till you

hear it. He's just funny. We were sitting at a table. We had just finished

eating. He had a tuna salad or something, and I had just a stuffed

And so this waitress is coming by, and he wanted to tell her something. I don't

know what. And she's, you know, that.

I don't know. So she just walked in. So he kind of like that. And I looked at

him, and he just looked.

And she just kept going.

funny. I mean, it was even funnier when you were there.

That's not possible.

I feel now that I have the best of both worlds, you know, because I have my

bookstore, sort of, and my new house, maybe.

I can't believe you're so easily duped. This guy is a hatchet man for Tom and

Larry Incorporated.

He is devoid of compassion or humanity, is the devil incarnate, and you made a

pact with him.

Daddy, is this your new job?

Yes, it is, honey. What do you think?

Are you scared?

Well, sure I am, sweetie.

But I'll bet if you give Daddy one of your special hugs, he'll feel a lot

better. Come on. Come on. There you go.

Good morning, Satan.

Audrey, she's got a great rapport with the customers.

Yeah, if you're into that sort of thing.

Why, how would you greet customers, Joe?

What do you want from me?

I'm sorry, it was just a question.

No, that's how I greet customers.

Somebody parked in my space. Clearly marked manager by the book. There's a

copper pathfinder there. Copper. That's my car. That's a great looking car.

Wow, that is just super. Listen, I want to talk to you just about a couple

things. Why don't you come into my office? Our office. Our office, your

our space. My space.

Your space.

Oh, sorry about the desk. I used to have a bigger office.

Oh, well, come to think of it, so did I.

Mine was bigger because I just had mine. Yeah, look, I found a lot of soy sauce

and a lot of mayo, but no sign of your...

Payroll? Oh, it's right back here. I'll get it for you.

Sorry.

I'm a big fan of the Post -it system. That's what I use. And Audrey's pink

because that's what she wears. You'll notice that when you're here for a

while. And I'm green because I miss money bags up here.

And so I did their handy. You can just stick little reminders up.

Adopt a kid. I haven't gotten around to that one yet.

And see Wham Live. Oh, that's old. I could take that down.

Hey, what do you think, huh?

No, no.

It's not really a football.

Oh, look, he got me.

You know, I have another one that's shaped like a real phone.

Oh, I got that.

Oh, I hope that's another phone.

No, no.

I shot this baby.

Please tell me it was self -defense.

What do you think? Isn't he beautiful?

This was my first kill.

I was 13, and it was just my dad and I out there.

Oh, it was a great bonding experience.

What's wrong with a Disney movie and ice cream? Not cruel enough for you? Oh, I

doubt he felt much of anything, really.

That's the beauty of those Nosler partition bullets.

Yeah, still giving the choice, don't you think? He would have preferred, say,

high -speed film.

You know, I tried that.

But you know how hard you've got to throw a roll of film to bring down a

Seriously, I have a real problem with hunting.

Well, then don't take it out.

What do you think? Is that going to be high enough?

See, height's not really the issue here. I just think it might look better

someplace else.

Like on the deer, for instance.

We're going to be sharing an office, so, you know, we've got to have some give

and take. I mean, you don't hear me complaining about your, uh, your kitten

poster. Well, that's different. That offers inspirational advice.

Hang in there, baby.

Basically what Deepak Chopra says, he just doesn't look as cute hanging from a

branch. Uh -huh.

That's not going up there. Oh, yes, it is. No, it's not. If you had any idea

offensive that's going to be to everyone who walks in here, you'd wish you'd

never taken it out of the box.

Wow, what a monster rack.

That must be a Pope and Young trophy box.

Oh, not quite. Oh, you are too modest, Mr. B.

Here's your cappuccino. Thank you, Audrey.

Nothing for me, thanks.

Now, as I see it, these are going to be our target priorities, based on my

observations here this week.

Offend and horrify manager with deranged and immoral hobby, check.

Move new and noteworthy section, uh -huh, uh -huh.

Lose Joe?

What does that mean, lose Joe?

Well, the guy's always late, he looks like a big slob, and he treats the

customers like dirt.

Well, sure, put it that way. They all sound like negatives.

Well, look, I've got a job to do. Well, at least give him another chance. Tom

and Larry said they weren't going to touch the bookstore.

They said they were going to leave it a mellow happening hang. Joe is part of

that hang. Yeah, well, I say we don't need him. Yeah, well, I say we do.

that count for anything? What happened to give and take?

All right.

I'll tell you what.

As a gesture of good faith, I'll give you a couple days to get the guy in here

on time, be civil to those customers, and tuck in his shirt.

Why don't I find a cure for cancer while I'm at it?

I can't believe this guy's a hunter.

I had him pegged as a gatherer.

You know what he had for lunch yesterday?

Vegetarian pasta.

Classic gatherer food.

Usually you can spot these guys, you know? There's a red plaid jacket, the

with the ear flaps, the hunter's musket.

You're describing Elmer Fudd.

Seriously, I mean, there's something you can usually sense about those people,

you know? I mean, boy, you work with somebody for three days, you think you

them.

Really?

We are all set for our first date. Oh, first date. You know, call me romantic,

but I think that people should sleep together a long, long time before they

start dating.

Just me.

Ellen, we feel that this relationship has a future outside the boudoir.

So tomorrow afternoon we are spending it at the Mets game, which I am very

excited about.

What is it, hair rinse day at the park?

beer -chugging Neanderthals, but that was before Ben explained to me the finer

points of the game. Yeah, and after that we're going to the Alanis Morissette

concert, who to the untrained ear might sound like a whining adolescent 21 -year

-old millionaire.

But luckily I had Paige to explain her to me.

Her words, her pain, her rage.

I can't wait.

Sounds like a perfect date for both of you, huh?

Yeah, definitely.

Oh, it's going to be great.

It's going to be good.

No Joe yet?

Uh, no. No, not yet. But you know what I meant to tell you?

Yesterday, he did not look well at all. His glands seemed swollen. His speech

was slurred. Maybe he had a stroke. I'm sure he'll be here soon.

Okay, all right. Well, when he gets here, just send him in, okay? Okay, I'll

that. Okay, I sure will. Thank you.

Nothing. He's just concerned that Joe's not here.

Oh, my God! Joe's just getting fired!

No one's getting fired! We have to warn him! No one is getting fired!

You're late.

Traffic was hell today.

Joe, you want to work.

I know. It was just an observation.

You know what I'm thinking?

I love that shirt. That is just super. That is just fantastic.

But, you know, I'm no expert, but I'm just thinking, just off the top of my

head, what would that look like?

Would it look even better under one of our new -by -the -book aprons, huh?

Ed wants me to wear an apron.

Ed.

Ed. Oh, Ed. No, totally forgot about him. No, me. Just me. I was just driving

and it just popped in my head. I thought, what would it look like in... A

Joseph, sometimes the horse must be broken, never the spirit.

Huh?

Excuse me. Hi. Can I get a refill?

Not with that attitude.

Joe, you can't talk to the customers that way.

All right, that's it.

Be nice with the customers.

Wear an apron. Come to work on time. For God's sake, what kind of gulag am I in?

Joe, let's go. Right now, in my office.

Probably just wants to tell him how nice that apron looked when he just saw him.

Fired!

things sure have changed here where we are on the mighty Serengeti.

Nonsense. Things are as they have ever been since the dawn of time.

See, our gentle friends the Geronooks show little concern.

Of course.

What can they know of the danger of the great white hunter?

Ha! Do you hear my defiant laugh? Ha!

There it is again.

The hunter, with his weapons of destruction, frightens me not. Nothing

changed. Out here on the plains, I, the mighty deer, am still in charge. As

strange as that may sound.

Rancho, run like the three -footed gazelle.

Well, just do the best you can.

I'll protect you. I'm still in charge.

I'm still in charge.

I'm still in charge.

It was only a dream.

Thanks, Ellen. Glad to see you're still in charge.

I was

prancing?

Yeah, like a little foot action kind of thing. What?

Ellen, it's obvious, okay?

Your dream is about guilt. You feel bad that Joe lost his job because you sold

the bookstore to buy a new house. And you felt powerless to help Joe when Ed

fired her. Ah, hello.

I think my dreams have a little more depth than that.

Whatever.

Oh, thanks, by the way, for the very large part in your dream. I'm sorry.

leave, please.

Okay, if you feel bad about Joe getting fired, then why don't you just do

something about it? Like what? Like go over her boss's head and rehire him?

Exactly.

I found in the working world...

It's this place where grown -ups have jobs and they don't punch people and

make money.

That a new boss likes to test the people under him.

Yeah. That's what he's doing. He's testing me.

He's just looking for a reason to fire you. Don't give him one.

Yeah.

Joe, if you're a friend, don't let him down. He needs you. He needs me. No, Joe

always says he can run the bookstore by himself.

He did when?

Ed is just a figurehead. You are the real boss. I'm the boss? The boss of

Reality check. You sold the bookstore. You have no power, no authority, no

leverage.

Spence is right.

But what Paige is saying is more pleasant, so I'm going to listen to her.

I can't.

Why not?

She broke the phone.

Use mine.

I'll take a couple of the ginger biscotti as well.

Mmm, my personal favorite.

They're mmm -mmm zingy.

Enjoy. Hope to see you again soon.

Bye -bye.

I can't keep this up much longer.

Boss man alert in five, four, three, two... Good morning.

Morning.

I didn't realize Joe was still on the payroll.

Joe, get your things and go. Oh, Mr. B, please.

Equality of mercy is not strange.

I'll handle it.

Joe, get back behind the counter.

Joe, go.

Joe, stay.

Go. Stay.

The good thing is this isn't humiliating.

Can I get a refill here?

Joe, help that customer. Joe, you are not to wait on that customer.

That has been my attitude all along, yet I still got fired.

Joe.

We need to talk.

Ellen, this is not a negotiation.

You sold your bookstore.

You have no leverage.

Oh, yeah. Okay, that's all it's about to you, huh? The bottom line? Well, let me

tell you something. You know, you come on like, I'm a great guy, and I've got

sideburns, and I wear vests. But let me tell you something. I told your waitress

story, and it just laid there.

Look, Ellen, I don't really have time for this right now. No, of course not.

you probably have more people to let go, more lives to ruin, more animals to

slaughter. My five -year -old is singing in her kindergarten concert.

We've met just perfect.

This is fun.

Hey, I like your hat.

What team is that? The Harlem Stars, Negro League. Oh.

Well, I thought we were seeing the Mets.

No, no, no. This is a Negro League game, Paige.

Satchel Paige is on the mound, and I believe FDR threw out the first ball.

Hey, come on. It's our first date. We said we'd both give it a try, remember?

Don't do that.

What? The hand thing.

We're supposed to be talking, not touching.

Right, of course.

Talking, indeed.

So let's talk.

You have really smooth hands.

You think so? Yeah.

Well, we probably shouldn't be talking about this. Right. Probably watching a

game. Right, yeah.

You have a little mustard as well. I know, I can wipe my own mouth. I wasn't

trying to do anything. Oh, okay, so you weren't going to kiss the mustard off my

mouth. Listen, you started it with the smooth hand thing, okay? Well, you know,

actually, I'd like to watch the game. I would like to watch the game, too. Okay.

We're in public in front of 20 ,000 people. Right. All right.

The waterhole is friend to all the creatures of the forest.

The mother deer and her fawn frolic at the water's edge.

She gently nudges her young into the water for its first bath.

Unaware that the deadly Puma is a mere pouncing distance away.

Probably don't want to watch that, do you?

Puma's also a tennis shoe, so it could have just been a, you know, that's why

need the V -chip, you know, because you can control those things like that.

Probably like watching the Rodney King tape to you. That's scary.

You want something to drink?

Hey, Romeo, on your feet.

You think a major league ballpark is an appropriate venue for this type of

behavior? Officer, we're like a million miles away from anybody.

Listen, sir.

I didn't even want to be here. What? Hold on, Peter. I thought you were

good time.

Spence, we are sitting in the cheapest seats I have ever sat in. The Santa Ana

Wins are having a field day with my hair. And we're watching what must be

longest Negro League game in history.

She... She doesn't follow baseball.

Are we kidding?

Why did we even try this?

We should just go back to superficial sex.

You're right.

Just don't do it here.

These are cheap seats, but they're not that cheap.

What was that?

I got it!

Leave me with this!

Okay,

I'll tell you what.

I'll sit through three more innings if you sit through six songs at the

Three innings, four songs.

Three innings, five songs.

Deal. You are so good. I've got my eye on you.

Morning,

Mr. B. Hi, Audrey.

How's everything going? Oh, fine.

How else would they be? And how would I know where they otherwise... Stop

intimidating me!

Hi, Ed. Hi. Listen, I hope there's no hard feelings about Joe.

No, uh -uh. Business is business.

Hey, by the way, I got rid of some of the clutter in the office. Oh,

it.

Ellen!

Coming, Mr. B.

Where's my head?

On your shoulders.

Is this a test?

Ellen, if any harm comes to that deer's head... Oh, that's a strange concern

coming from the man who blew it away in the first place.

The head's fine. Let's talk Joe.

How do I know it's fine?

Here's a picture of me with the deer head.

On a sofa in an undisclosed location.

You took something I love, so I took something you love.

You love Joe?

Let's just leave it at I took something you love.

Look, Ellen, I am not going to hire Joe back.

Oh, well, then you can say bye -bye to Bambi.

And you know, while you're at it, you can say goodbye to me.

Because I'm not going to work for a guy who'd fire a guy who mattered to a girl

who sold to guys who swallowed the fly.

If Joe goes, I go. Ellen, help me with this. Is there something about this guy

that I'm just missing?

Yeah. A lot.

No, he just, he brings something special to this place.

Call it a charming indifference or a wacky, lovable hostility.

You know the kind of guy that you just love to hate?

Well, he's the kind of guy that just hates you.

Nope, I haven't missed anything.

Well, hope you enjoy By the Book as much as I have.

All right, hang on a second.

You're serious? You'd leave right now for good?

Well, I'd come back for the kitten poster.

That's, um, that's really admirable. It's ridiculous, but admirable.

Look, if I have to keep Joe to keep you... You do.

Then all right.

But... In the future, you can't always steal something every time you disagree

with me. Yes, I can.

Okay, well, then you can't always threaten to quit every time you're

with one of my decisions.

Sure I can.

And you can't park in my parking spot?

Oh, okay.

You are a worthy adversary, Ellen Morgan.

And you amuse me, Ed Billick.

Joe, come on in. You got your job back.

Not until I get an apology from a certain you -know -who.

Are you serious?

What do you want me to say?

I'm sorry you're a lazy, incompetent slob and I had to fire you?

That wasn't so bad, was it?