Original subtitles

I feel pretty.

I feel pretty.

I feel pretty and witty and hey.

Oh my gosh.

very hard for this event. It's all come down to this last routine.

She needs a 9 .75 to beat Sara Bronskaya. Oh, and look at this. That's

that's made her famous. She has discarded the ball. Now it's just the

that may cost her a tenth. She has to be flawless.

She is jumping. She is using the rhythm like we've never seen her before. Just a

few final seconds. She has to stick the landing.

Let's watch the... Oh, and this is horrible. This could cost Ellen the

Let's see what the judges think.

Good night.

Good night. Good night.

Joe, what are you doing? It's quarter to eight. It's just good business to

subtly let the customer know we'll be closing soon. That way they can filter

out. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's good. Except we close at nine.

My turn.

Hello, thank you for calling by the book where all of your reading needs are met

with service and a smile and... Oh, please.

Ellen, it's them again.

Tom and Larry, those guys who want to buy the bookstore.

What is this, like the fifth time they've called? This is crazy.

This is... Hello?

Look, this is the last time I'm going to tell you I'm not going to sell

something that I put my life's work into for a couple of measly bucks.

Ellen, you've got to press the hold release button.

Then talk.

Hello? Hello?

Hello? Hello?

See, I told you she'd still be here.

Ferret said you'd be closed.

There's a close sign in the window.

There was a close sign on my heart, but you still came in.

Hey, Peter. Hey, Barrett.

For you.

Oh, I can't wait.

Peter and Barrett cordially invite you to a small dinner party.

Entree by Barrett, dessert by Peter. Creme brulee.

To celebrate the purchase of their lovely new home.

Oh, my God. You bought our house. That's amazing.

Daddy's so excited.

Wow, you're kidding. Is that the creme brulee with the caramelized sugar on

You're the same age. I can't believe you're buying a house.

Uh -huh.

It's Trey, grown up.

Ellen, if you ever, ever, ever need a realtor, I have only eight letters for

you. M -A -R -G -A -R -E -T.

Margaret.

She was fabulous.

Look at that little brick path right up to the front door. Oh, I always wanted a

brick path.

What is that, one of the neighbor kids?

No. It's a lawn jockey.

What's a neighbor? kid gonna be doing holding a lantern you know in the middle

of the day anyway i mean les's mother said here's some kerosene go play which

very irresponsible you have a basketball court by the driveway you want it

that's the first thing we're ripping out we're putting in a rose garden um monet

garden we have to go

We've already discussed this. Lily pads attract mosquitoes.

No, they attract dragonflies.

And dragonflies happen to mate for life.

What does that have to do with anything?

What do you think?

See, when I have nothing left to wear, I just throw on sweats.

No, I mean, I probably should sell this thing.

Or maybe I'll just dye it black and wear it to the Oscars.

Whatever. You know, I can't believe that Peter and Barrett bought a house.

I mean, that is such a grown -up thing to do, buying a house. Well, when you

to be a big girl, you can buy a house, too.

Peter and Barrett don't have to look for quarters. They have their own washer

and dryer.

I found two.

Oh, wait, here's one.

And...

Boxers, yours?

Hey, why would you just naturally assume they're mine?

I mean, could they possibly be Spence's? Okay, they're mine.

I've been looking for quarters for that stupid washer for... Oh, my God, seven

years. Have I lived here seven years?

Let me think.

My hair's red now.

Before that, it was brown, black, blonde, ash blonde, henna, cellophane,

sun in.

Seven years.

Oh, thanks. You guys are doing a wash.

You know, while you're feeling around there, could you see if you could find

another quarter for me?

Wow.

Seven years.

Seven years I've been coming down here doing laundry.

If I had a quarter for every quarter I spent doing laundry, I wouldn't have

spent any money.

Where's my stuff?

Someone stole my clothes. Can you believe... Who would steal wet clothes

that? Who needs wet clothes unless they're entering, like, a wet T -shirt

contest? But that's cheating.

Why would... Ellen.

Maybe somebody put your clothes in the dryer. Oh, right. Not in this building.

You don't know these people.

Look how sweet.

I didn't believe they would do something like that.

Why would they put this? Can't they see this doesn't go in the dryer?

I'm never going to be able to wear that.

It's cute.

You want it?

It's a little baggy, but I'd still wear it.

You can have it. Thank you. I have to go. Thanks for helping.

Am I the only one who cleans the lint out around here?

Who are you yelling at, Al? People who don't take responsibility for their own

lint. I think they heard you. Definitely.

Hey, can you wash a couple more of my shirts?

Yeah, you want to throw them in? Yeah.

So you and Paige seem to be getting along pretty well.

Any chance you're doing laundry at her place? No.

No, we don't have that kind of relationship.

Really? Well, what kind of relationship do you have?

Whoa. You got me there.

I don't know.

What do you think?

Well, I mean, do you like her? Do you love her? What? Well, like, love, just

words in a dictionary, Al.

You know, labels for people who are uncomfortable just being.

Letters strategically placed in a group so people can pronounce them.

You don't want to talk about this, do you? No.

All right, fine, but keep those feelings bottled up.

One day you're just going to explode, and then hard copy's going to come to

and it'll happen. I'm going to say he had his chance to open up in the laundry

room, but he wouldn't do it. I hate this place!

Look! Ah, it's a jackpot! Yeah.

Woo!

I cannot believe how many homes are listed in here.

I mean, listen to this one. Three bedrooms, two baths, hardwood floors,

fruit trees. Can you imagine picking an orange off your very own tree for

breakfast in the morning?

At my mom's house up in Moose Jaw, she has chickens.

So she can have fresh eggs in the morning?

No, fried chicken.

Very mellow place you got here.

Yeah, it's like mellow, but, you know, you got like a happening thing happening

here, too, you know?

Oh, I think I'm going to need my hippie to English dictionary.

We're Tom and Larry.

Can I help you? Yeah, sure. We're thinking about buying this place.

Wait a minute. You're not Tom and Larry. You're Larry and Tom. You're trying to

trick me.

You're the guys who've been calling here. Listen, I love my bookstore, so

but no thanks. I'm not interested in selling you. Hey, we're not some

you know, Klingon mothership that's going to come down and invade your

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you, a freak?

Why would we be a Klingon mothership?

Maybe a Romulan, maybe even a Kardashian, but I'm no freaking Klingon.

See, we're really just a couple of guys who love bookstores. Yeah, we love

making money. Yeah, so what we do is we find one we really like, we invest a

bunch of money in it, we supply the books, then we let someone else run it

us, like you. Whoa, stop trying to snow me with your business razzle -dazzle.

Look.

be the smartest person in the world, or the most savvy businesswoman, or a

snappy dresser, or a very good driver, for that matter. She doesn't use an

indicator... Audrey, just get to the point. I think that was her point.

Well, to change your mind, why don't you just give us a call?

Thanks.

Bobby!

Morning, sleepyhead.

Hey, Peter.

Ellen, I know how much you love my house, so I have someone I want you to

My realtor extraordinaire.

M -A -R -J -R -E -T.

But you can call me Margaret. Well, nice to meet you, Margaret. I don't know if

Peter told you I'm in no position to buy a house. Ellen, I look at you. Come in.

Can I see the eternal struggle?

Someone who wants to buy but doesn't think she can afford a down payment.

Isn't the eternal struggle about good versus evil?

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, anyway, how about if I show you some homes? I don't think so. I really love

living in this apartment.

Bobby, are you up yet?

But, Ma!

Oh, for the love of God, Bobby, we both know where this is going. Now get up and

go to school.

And tell your mother to clean out the lid trap.

Okay, next we have, oh, a lovely Cape Cod. Four bedrooms, three and a half

baths. I lost my virginity at the Cape.

Isn't this marvelous?

If you can't get to the house, Margaret brings the house to you.

Popcorn?

Two -bedroom California bungalow.

Oh, a lovely craftsman with new skylights and a sunken tub.

Oh, I've made love in a sunken tub.

Taj Mahal.

That's a little real estate joke.

I made love there.

A little real estate joke.

Just think, Ellen.

This could be you.

Walking up to your new home.

I quite love this part. It's like a puppet show of your life.

And here's your husband coming home from work. Oh, I think that puppet's in the

wrong show.

Look, Margaret, this has been fun and everything, but I really, I can't afford

to buy a house with my bookstore and everything.

Oh, I understand.

Then I guess it would be kind of silly to show you this.

need a little bay window off the kitchen?

It's for an herb garden. I'm going to plant oregano, thyme, basil, cilantro.

What's that stuff they put in cream cheese?

Chives. Chives.

Isn't it perfect? I mean, can't you just imagine me living there?

No.

Oh, okay, yeah, wait, wait, I can't, yes.

Yes, yes, I see now. Nice house.

And your neighbor, she has her shades open.

So what are you going to put in the bin?

I'm not. Who am I kidding? I can't afford this house.

Okay, Ellen, here's what you do.

Liquidate. Sell your jewelry.

All of it.

Paige, have you ever looked at me?

Okay, then why don't you just ask your parents for help? They don't have that

kind of money.

Elle, I got $268 just burning a hole in my savings account. It's not much, but

you can have it.

Penalty for early withdrawal be damned.

It's not like Tom and Larry are some big corporate Klingon mothership.

Ellen, give me that slide.

You mustn't sell the bookstore.

Look.

Behold all that you have built.

Here lies the promised land.

These are your people when they're here.

Do not forsake them.

You don't understand, Moses. I can't go back.

I can't go back to that apartment. I hate that laundry room.

I hate waiting for my own shower. And let's face it, Bobby is never going to

to school on time.

I want to move on. I want to grow up. I want to grow herbs.

I want to live in this slide.

Ellen, let me play devil's advocate for a moment.

Can I go home now?

I deserve this.

I want to grow my own herbs.

I'm not waiting another seven years.

As God is my witness, I will never eat pre -packaged chives again.

I should have hired a real lawyer. Come on, to pay them $350 an hour? That's why

you're getting me for free, because I have little or no experience.

Okay, remember, here's the deal. Their attorney's going to make us an offer. We

say thank you, and we walk out. And they say, no, please don't go. We were

stupid to think that we would fall for this. Here is lots more money.

Exactly.

Hey, guys. Thanks for trucking on down. Come on in. Take a seat.

Hi, gentlemen. I'm Spence Kovac, Miss Morgan's counsel.

Peace.

I'm Tom. This here is Larry. This is Smitty, our lawyer, and these are some

the tribe who work here. All right.

Gentlemen, I hate to be the establishment, but what do you say we

business?

Miss Morgan, we've given this a lot of thought, and we believe this to be a

price for your bookstore.

Well, gentlemen, when you're ready to put a real offer on the table, you let

know. Yeah, okay. Elle, you're supposed to take a look at the offer and then

reject it. He didn't tell me that. Okay, it's all right. Just start walking.

Okay, I'm walking. I love this.

They're not stopping us. Okay, it's all right. Just walk slower. Okay.

Do they know we're leaving? Baby steps. Take baby steps.

They're going to cave. I can feel it. I can feel it.

We're in a different room with no offer. That is the exact opposite of

excellent. It's excellent because any second now the door's going to open,

going to pop his head and say, come on in.

Okay, Tom, we're coming in. When the lunch comes, just send it right in,

I'm going to go like candy from a baby.

You want to see my house?

It looks small, but the rooms are big.

It's on a cul -de -sac, which is French for you can play ball on the street and

not get hit by a car.

What'd they say?

Well, uh, they, uh, they want lunch.

They want lunch.

What about my house? Uh, I tried, Elle. They just, they have something about,

they, they don't want to negotiate. Something about that's how Nixon screwed

their guys in Vietnam.

I have no idea what they're talking about. I was five then.

Hi, y 'all. How you doing?

Peace. Um, can we talk?

Uh, there's really nothing left to talk about. Well, sure there is. We could

talk about who gets the tuna on rye with mustard. Oh, that'd be me.

See? We're talking.

Okay, Smitty, good choice. I love tuna myself.

I don't usually like the mustard, but that's a good choice. Watch that tie.

Don't want to get mustard on it. There you go. Um, Ellen, Ellen, Tom and I

really liked it a lot, but this negotiation's closed.

Yeah, man, we made you a real tasty offer.

Bad karma for you to be putting a finch on us.

Okay, if we could just discuss this veggie burner, then I know we can work

things out.

Spence, give me a hand here, please. I am giving you a hand. I'm passing out

drinks, Al. With the negotiations.

Oh, yes, of course.

Okay, guys, look.

Maybe I came on a little strong. I mean, I do that. It's a thing that I... But

I'm going to start again here.

Okay. So, the party of the first part hereafter, known as my cousin Ellen

Morgan, being of sound -minded body, who hired me... What are you saying?

Smitty, I don't know.

I just know that I'm feeling very vulnerable right now.

Spence, you're thinking out loud. We can hear you. You told me you said you want

me to open up, so I'm opening up. That was in the laundry room. This is the

boardroom. Close, close now. Okay.

I can't. It's coming out. It's coming out right now. As a matter of fact, I

Paige. I like Paige. I like Paige.

Maybe I don't like her enough to go over and... I don't know. I mean, maybe I

don't know if I should do laundry or not with her, but I like the way she

smells, and I like her, and that's all I have to say.

Wow.

Far out.

Well, I think my counsel has stated his case clearly, and to sum up, we would

like to sell the bookstore.

But you rejected our offer. Well, that's because we were trying to leave. You

didn't stop us. We took little tiny steps.

Yeah, why did you do that?

On the advice of counsel.

Maybe I do love her. I mean... Larry, Tom, Smitty, Tribe.

Look, maybe I am not the greatest businesswoman, okay? And maybe... Well,

clearly, I don't have the best representation.

But I have a great bookstore.

I love By the Book.

It means everything to me.

Okay, not everything. I'm standing here trying to sell it, but for a good

reason. I want to... I want to grow chives.

And you need a house for that.

I know I could put a bay window in my apartment. Don't give me that look,

Smitty. But I'm just thinking... This house.

You know, I hate to think that I have to lose my bookstore for a house, but like

you said, you know, if I sell it to you guys, then maybe I could still run the

bookstore, you know, and it's still mine in a way. Even though it's not mine,

it's yours. And if you could just please give me another chance, please.

Can you... Can you dig that scene on down?

Okay.

It's our final offer. I'll take it. Hey.

Oh. Oh.

Peace to you all. I did it. I sold the story. Look at it. How much is it?

Wow. All right. Not bad.

Yeah. Strategy worked. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That old good cop, insane cop routine

always gets it.

So you love Paige?

No. Where'd you hear that?

Next time, be more courteous.