Original subtitles

Last week on Ellen.

You guys are really lucky, I mean it. I mean, tomorrow you're going to marry the

person you're going to spend the rest of your life with. Hey, Heather, how you

doing? Bite me.

Hey, your sister's okay with me being maid of honor, right?

It doesn't matter what she thinks. I want you. I mean, the maid of honor's

is very important.

That is the outfit we picked out. That's the outfit you're going to wear. I hate

this dress.

And I hate you.

Hey, Mom?

It's me, Joe.

Guess what? I'm calling for free.

Sir and Mrs.

Matt, listen.

Wow. There's one little tiny problem.

We don't have a bride.

Hey, what are you doing? Sorry.

Hey, can't you wait for the honeymoon?

Uh, Spence?

She got her flowers.

Finally, we have our opening title, so roll it.

Who? Who has a perfect smile? Who has a comical style?

Who likes to hang out with her friends? Who, who, who, Ellen?

There's Spence and Paige and Audrey and Joe.

They're her friends on every show.

They visit her at her bookstore.

She lives in an apartment.

Who has a perfect smile? Who has a comical style?

Who likes to hang out with her friends? Who, who, who, Ellen?

Who likes to hang out with her friends, who, who, who, Ellen.

Ellen, you crazy gal.

That's it?

That's what I've been waiting all season for?

I love it!

Okay,

El, here's the deal. We can explain.

Oh, I, you, oh, my God.

Yeah, I knew you were going to say that. Al, look, it's not what it looks like.

No, definitely not. This is nothing like what it looks like. Okay, good, because

from where I'm standing, from how I see it at this angle, it looks like two

people kissing, and I know there's got to be another explanation, so please

me what it is.

There is no other explanation.

Oh, come on, you didn't even try.

Okay, here's one, here's one.

You had a feeling or something came loose in your mouth, and Spence, being a

doctor, was trying to push it back in with his tongue, huh?

Now, okay, here's what it is, okay? I came in and I found her crying about

and how maybe the wedding's not going to work out, right? I put my arm around

her to comfort her, and before I knew it, she was all over me.

What? That is so not true.

You kissed me.

Okay, okay, you know what it is? I'm pretty sure the Santa Ana win. That's

it is, because, you know, when the Santa Anas blow, all kinds of crazy things

happen. For instance, once there was a big gust of wind and I bought culottes.

So you came in here, and you were whining about your lost internship, and

made me feel all sorry for you, and then you jumped me. No. All right. Let's

see. Okay, you're insane.

All right. Now, I was sitting here. You were sitting there, right? You leaned

your head like this and closed your eyes. All right? That's not begging for

kiss. I don't know what is.

Maybe I closed my eyes because I couldn't stand to look at you. Oh, come

You cried. You did the lip thing, right? And then you pulled me against my will,

and then you did this.

No, no, no, no.

You, you made puppy eyes. And then you stroked my hair. And then before I knew

it, this.

Okay, okay, I'm convinced. Nothing's going on.

Okay, nothing's going on. Okay, come on, come on, come on, come on.

Come on, ice cold chili, chili, chili. Come on.

Loving fiancé waiting for me downstairs, and I am up here kissing this

Neanderthal.

No offense. None taken.

Friends?

Friends.

Friends, okay, huh?

What are we doing?

What are you doing?

Yeah, that's better.

Okay, good. So, uh, bye.

Uh, best wishes.

Uh, thanks.

Oh, God, what have I done?

Well, it's good to see you two finally getting along.

What is taking so long?

Maybe the bride has cold feet.

Shame on you.

You know, You do not have one romantic bone in your body. I do two.

Do not.

I give you that book of Pablo Nerudo love poems that's featured in Il

You failed to even crack the binding.

I stopped taking tap after that episode. But my favorite episode was the two

-parter where you quit the school play and then disappeared.

Why did you do that? Everyone was counting on you.

I don't remember.

It was so long ago, and, you know, I'd like to think that I kind of, you know,

moved on, okay?

I was sick with worry until the next episode when you came back.

Excusez -moi.

He left because his fifth father had died and he was needed by his family.

Perhaps one should study the episode which one claims to be one's favorite

before one discusses it.

Hey, Spence. Hey, Matt. How you doing?

Uh, nervous.

Yeah. Nauseous, actually. Oh.

Listen, have you seen Paige? No, I haven't. Why would you ask me, of all

if I've seen Paige?

Well, I'm just really anxious to get this over with, and someone said you

bouquet up to the suite. Oh, yeah, in that case, yeah, I mean, I took the

bouquet up to her. I saw her. Yeah?

And? And I have nothing. I resent the implication.

No, I just wondered if she was on her way down.

Oh, I don't know.

Well, didn't you talk?

I can honestly say that, no, we did not talk.

Boy, this marriage thing, kind of funny, huh?

Yeah.

Man, I was not this nervous in my first wedding.

Then again, that one didn't work out.

Boy, I told myself I was not going to jump in again so quickly.

But it's okay because, you know, sometimes things just happen and you got

with your gut. Yeah. Right?

You know, Matt, I don't know if I'm the right guy you should be talking to about

this. Oh, I know. It's just that, you know, you're here and...

I know we've only known each other a couple of months, but I feel like we've

really shared something.

You know?

It's a bad situation, but on the bright side, for once, it's you who did

something stupid and not me.

Helen, I freaked.

I read the card. It said Mr. and Mrs.

Matliston, and I just, I started crying. I mean, we sounded so married.

And there's still some things that we haven't worked out yet. And can you get

a brush?

Mia hates being...

I don't think Matt knows me all that well.

He wants me to grow vegetables in the backyard.

I mean, that's not even sanitary.

Okay, okay, everything's going to be fine. Everything's going to be okay, you

know, and we just tell everybody the truth.

Can you help me with my bail? Oh, sure, I can. I mean, this must happen all the

time, you know. People change their mind at the last second. I mean, that

happens to me. Just yesterday, I was in the grocery store, and in my car, I had

Count Chocula, and I decided that I wanted Frankenberry, you know.

No big deal. You know, of course, the woman at the checkout stand wasn't

standing there with her whole family waiting to throw rice, but what are we

doing?

To get ready in case you've forgotten I'm getting married in like five

Wait a minute. Hold on.

You were just rolling around on the couch with Spence, someone you don't

like on your wedding day. Isn't it possible that your subconscious is

you a message that you don't really want to get married? I mean, I'm not a

therapist. I don't know!

I mean, all I know is... All I know is I have to go through this.

I mean, our friends are waiting down there and we have paper. this wedding

as far as kissing Spencer, it's not that big of a deal because we've done it

before.

What?

What?

What?

I'm not finished. What?

It's not that big of a deal.

Oh, it is a big deal. It's a big deal because I've been walking around all

innocent assuming that my friends aren't fooling around with each other when in

reality I am the landlady at Melrose Place.

It didn't get that far.

When did this happen? You know what? No, I don't even want to know.

Yes, I do. When did it happen?

Okay.

Remember the day that it was raining and we were all watching Ice Castles?

You know the part where she's skating around and everybody's clapping and, you

know, he knows that she's blind but nobody else does? Yeah, and then she

and the flowers that... We forgot about the flowers.

Okay, so, uh, you went out for pizza, and I was all misty, you know, and I

just... Things happened.

What is it with you and crying? Is that some type of foreplay for you?

Ellen, it was one kiss, and then you came home, and that was it. It was just

that one incident.

And then the time at Griffith Park, but that was it.

Griffith Park?

Yeah, we went running, and you ran over to the stand for frozen yogurt.

I remember that. I remember that, yeah.

That's when Spence wanted chocolate yogurt, which wasn't a big deal because

usually asked for chocolate, but then he said, sprinkles.

And I thought, that's odd. He's never asked for sprinkles before, but I

maybe it's a special day. Maybe it's warm and he wants a little treat for

himself. I don't know.

And I remember thinking, sprinkles?

Sprinkles? That's odd. But I asked for sprinkles and he said, jimmies.

That's the vendor. And the vendor said, Jimmy's. I said, no, it's Sprinkles. And

he said, no, it's Jimmy's. I said, no, it's Sprinkles. We back and forth and

back and forth. At one point, I just wanted to... Oh!

Was he in on it?

Ellen, there was no plan, okay?

Spence and I just had this thing.

You know, one minute we're arguing about what is less fattening, Chicken

McNuggets or Big Macs, and the next we're just all over each other.

Oh, Paige!

children eat happy meals there.

It stopped a long time ago.

I wanted to tell you about it, but I felt weird, you know? It was one of

things where if I didn't say it out loud, then maybe it didn't really

Oh, yeah, yeah. So, like, if a bra falls in the backseat of a car and nobody's

there to hear it, maybe it didn't fall at all?

And then I met Matt and it never happened again. Until today.

Until today.

If I tell you something, will you promise not to think any less of me?

Oh, I don't know. That pedestal you're on is pretty darn high right now.

Today, I felt something.

I don't need to hear it all. That's okay. I don't need to hear it all. No,

that. I mean, emotionally.

telling me that you have feelings for Spence? No.

I don't know.

Yes.

Maybe. I don't know. Yes. I don't know. Maybe.

Well, when it comes time to say I do, they're going to want you to pick one.

You have to call this wedding off.

You're right.

I know you're right.

I can't. I can't go face all those people. I can't go down there. It's all

right. I'll go get Matt and I'll bring him up.

That time I went out for burritos.

I eat way too much junk food.

I need you to organize a benefit concert.

Yeah. Buck's being caned.

Yeah. Yeah, I know.

I know it's terrible. Yes.

Do you have Peter Gabriel's number?

No? Well, grab a pencil.

It'll do.

Hey, Al.

Do you have any aspirin?

No, I don't. Maybe you'd like to send me out for some, huh?

Al, we... Look, we did not know we were... Hell, I didn't know what we were

doing. Look, this is Paige we're talking about. She's shallow, she's vapid,

she's always insulting me, and there's something so sexy about that.

Can we talk about this another time? Because I have to find Matt. There's no

this wedding is taking place.

Why not?

Why not?

Yeah, it is no big thing.

It is a big thing, because this time, evidently, she felt something.

She did?

Wait, did she actually say that? Well, not in so many words. Wow, she likes me.

I did not know that.

So she said that she felt something. I mean, like, how exactly?

How did she say that?

She's just got this faraway look in her eyes.

Can we talk about this another time? I am maid of honor. As maid of honor, I

have to make sure this wedding does not take place.

Wow. She likes me.

She actually likes me. I did not know that.

Would you maybe talk to somebody about the air conditioning? It's like a sauna.

Yeah, it's very hot, isn't it? Well, I'll tell you what. Would you do me a

favor? Paige is upstairs, and she just needs to talk to you for a second. Oh,

wait. I mean, I thought it was bad luck to talk to the bride before the wedding.

Well, you know, there are a lot of rules about what a bride should and shouldn't

do before a wedding. I don't think Paige is much of a stickler for them, so...

Well, okay.

By the way, that tux, if you bring it back early, you get any money back for

that? I don't know. Why?

Yeah, just a question. Run along.

Ellen,

what is taking so long?

to have my mother back at Betty Ford by midnight, otherwise we have to keep her.

Heather, I'm sorry. You know, we've had some unexpected problems and some

delays.

Oh, bite me.

Ellen, que pasa con los noctuales?

What? Not to spread rumors, Eileen, but... Ellen. The buzz is the bride's

second thoughts.

And I think someone's projecting.

Very patient, and we appreciate that.

Before the groom and the bride get down here and talk a little bit, I thought

we'd chat. Just for a second. I'm Ellen. I'll be your maid of honor.

All right. Yeah.

Okay. How many people from the bride's side of the family? Hands. Bride's side.

Bride. Yeah. A few of you. Bride. Bride. Okay. And groom? How many for the

groom? Okay.

The rest of you here just for cake? Who you are? You're just participating.

Okay.

All right.

Boy, that was fun.

Hey, music. We should...

We should play, shouldn't we? How about if I play instead of you? Okay.

Hop up, hop up. What's your name?

Okay.

Here, hold this.

I would like to sing a little song that I... Yeah, my mother used to play this

for me all the time when I was a child.

Actually, she never played it for me, but I played it to myself. Actually,

never played it, but here it goes.

It's a song, and it goes something like this. It's a favorite of mine.

I know, I'm so sorry, but I just want to say it's all for the best, I'm sure.

Buck,

oh, Buck, thank God I finally got a hold of you.

You don't know what I've been through for you, but I think I've got a way of

getting you out of there. What you're going to have to do... Sorry,

man, got to go.

He seems to be okay.

Oh, great. I mean, it was really hard, but I didn't know what to... You didn't

tell him.

No. You know, Ellen, I know that I have to tell him that I'm not going to marry

him, but I don't think now is really a good time. Oh, oh.

Well, when would be a good time? The first dance? The toast?

Maybe we could write it in soap on the limo. Instead of just married, we could

write just kids.

Don't walk.

Don't walk. Ellen, you may be the maid of honor, but you're not the boss of me.

too late to back out of this now, okay? I have accepted his proposal and I am

just going to have to live with it. And if you look at it this way, if I'm going

to attach myself for life to a person that I'm not sure that I love, I could

a lot worse than Matt.

Do you ever listen to yourself talk?

Ellen, it's not fair to all those people. I mean, this dress is so pretty

nobody's even seen it yet.

Come on, everyone is waiting for you. I can't, I can't. Just go down the aisle.

Wait right here.

Okay,

how was it? What are you doing back here? Because you can't go through this.

don't love him. This is the biggest mistake of your life. I know, but...

It's made of honor. I command you not to go down that aisle.

I'm going. No, don't do it. Don't do it. Yes, I'm going.

in front of God and our friends and family to unite Paige and Matt in holy

matrimony. Marriage is a sacred bond. Bond? And sacred? Did you say sacred

Just checking.

It is the lifelong commitment of two people.

Lifelong commitment.

And thus. Thus.

Are you going to continue doing this? I'm just trying to make sure. Here's

you say.

Where was I? If anyone knows just cause why these two should not be joined in

marriage, speak now or forever hold your peace. Going once, going twice.

Come on, anybody?

Huh? Yes? Miss?

Oh, I thought you raised your hand like you had something to say. Are you sure?

Can I get you tissues, some water, anything at all? Something? A lozenge?

I guess it's going to hurt. Wait!

I can't go through with this. Yes!

I'm sorry.

Paige, maybe I should have said something earlier, but, uh, boy, I just

there's a lot we still don't know about each other, and, uh, maybe we're rushing

into this, you know?

How could you do this to me? You were gonna do it to him. See what? You were?

Well, not until after the ceremony.

Since you mentioned just cause, I might have something.

Me too.

Why these two should not be married, it's kind of a rhetorical question.

Please!

Please!

Don't do it!

The whole wedding's called off.

Oh, in that case, I'm going to get a piece of cake.