Original subtitles

Don't move.

Hey, what are you doing?

Lights, camera, action.

Anita, no.

Come on, baby. Give me something I can use.

Come on.

That's it.

Yeah.

Give it to me.

Work it, baby.

Anita, I think it's still recording.

Oh, really?

Oh, Nita.

Well,

thanks for dinner.

It was my pleasure.

So you'll call me?

You bet I will.

You're not just saying that, are you?

Because, I mean, I told you about my seventh -grade rash, so now you have to

call. Oh, I do?

Oh, that's the rule. Oh. Yeah.

I mean, you know, you wanted to know about the rash, and I told you, but, you

know, now you have to call. No rash, no call, but I told you about the rash, so

you have to call.

Well, then, I guess I have no choice, do I?

Safe sex?

I never thought I'd see the day when I was dating a doctor, but with this guy,

don't know. I mean, first date, you've never seen anything like it.

We were both so incredibly comfortable with each other. I mean, he was

comfortable, I was comfortable.

Chairs at the restaurant were comfortable.

Even his car was comfortable.

I mean, at one point, I was so comfortable that it made me

Great. So what did you and Brian end up doing?

We taped ourselves.

Excuse me?

Brian and I made a tape of ourselves.

What, like an interview?

No, you know, like a...

happens to the tape? I mean, what if it falls into the wrong hands? Like who,

Ellen? The KGB?

It's a tape in a box in my apartment. Whose Kansas is it going to fall into?

So, how'd he do?

What? You know, in front of the camera. How did he hold up?

Did you see Mickey Rourke in nine and a half weeks?

Yeah.

Yeah, well, it was nothing like that, but he was still pretty good.

Hey, you guys, can I stay on your couch tonight? My parents are going to use my

bed.

Sure.

Oh.

You're going to let your parents use your bed?

After... After what?

You know.

First of all, Holly, I really don't think my parents can tell the history of

bed by sleeping in it. And second of all, they know I'm a virgin.

How do they know that?

Because that's what I told them.

Look, it's one night. They're leaving for Hawaii tomorrow.

Yeah, but still, it's creepy. I mean, they're your parents. What if they

to... do it?

Oh, please.

Hubert and Dolores have not done it for 32 years. They have two kids. They've

had sex twice at most.

It's personal stuff. I don't think my parents need to see.

Ah, very wise.

Hey, you're also coming to lunch, right? You can't make me go alone.

Oh, Anita, we like your folks.

Oh, come on. They're as boring as hell.

Anita, your parents are great.

Hey, watch what you say about my parents.

Would be great, yeah.

I've been thinking about you, too.

Uh -huh.

What?

Uh, that sounds great.

Nothing. I'm sure nothing.

What?

You know, I think he might have been... Might have been what?

He might have been on the... On the what?

Have you ever been to somebody's house and they have a phone in the bathroom?

In the bathroom?

Oh, God, this is so disgusting. He called me from the toilet.

What am I going to do now?

What's the big deal?

What's the big deal?

It's disgusting is the big deal.

He called me from there. He said he misses me from the toilet.

You can't do that.

We had one date.

You were going on and on about how comfortable you were with each other.

Maybe he's just trying to show you how comfortable he is with you.

Don't jump to conclusions. You don't know anything for sure. Well, I know

imagined. Don't worry about it.

I've got to pick my parents up at the airport. Lunch is at one. And, Adam, I

apologize in advance for their being boring.

They're not boring.

Anyway, that's what I told the... Oh, what do you call them? The

stewardess, Mom.

Right, stewardess.

The stewardess, I'll have the chicken. But I'd like an extra bag of the salt.

Sue. Anybody see Coach last night?

You know, when I was a kid, we didn't have a TV.

We used to go to the picture shows every Saturday and Sunday.

Two movies a day.

out of the theater and the sun would be so bright you'd have to walk home with

your hands over your eyes one time walked right into a fire

hydrant cut up both my arms broke my leg in three places

I can still remember lying there writhing on the ground

screaming

a television special, The Brain -Body Connection, tonight.

Oh, I hear that's wonderful. I really wanted to see that, but we're having

dinner with Uncle Ed tonight.

Well, you know, I could tape it and make a copy for you and a copy for Anita.

Oh, we couldn't ask you to do that.

Really? It's no trouble. You see, I tape it, and I can use our other VCR to make

copies.

Isn't that illegal?

Ellen, we have any video? tape. I want to record that brain -body connection

show. Just take any tape next to the TV that's not labeled. Never mind. I found

one. What?

Never mind.

What? Never mind.

What? Never mind.

What? Never.

Hey, looking good.

Oh, that's right. You got another date with Dr.

Comfortable.

Please, Adams. No more jokes. I'm trying to get this whole thing out of my mind.

What thing? It probably never even happened.

He was probably just standing next to a waterfall.

So I told him I didn't want to. He said, well, that's okay. You can do it for

free.

Ellen, are you okay?

I'm sorry, yeah.

That's funny. Free.

Boy, this brain -body connection stuff is really fascinating.

Yeah. You know, I never realized that my brain and my body were so... connected.

I'm Richard Poland, and thanks for joining us on our continuing exploration

the brain -body connection.

Oh, Anita.

Oh, Ryan.

Oh, my God.

What'd you do that for?

I can't believe you'd want to... watch this?

She's our friend.

That's disgusting.

Wait a minute, where'd you get this tape anyway?

I don't know, by the TV, from that box.

That's Anita's box.

Apparently.

What else is in that box?

Wait a minute, is this the tape you used to make copies from?

Uh, yeah.

And you just dropped off a copy of this tape to her parents?

Adam, Ellen, what are you doing?

Actually, we just came to say goodbye.

There.

All done packing.

I cannot believe it. I can't believe it. I cannot believe it. Believe what,

dear? Oh, that Anita didn't tell you. I can't believe she didn't tell you. Why

wouldn't she tell you? How could she not tell you? Tell us what?

Well, you're going to think it's silly. I just shouldn't tell you.

Oh, no, dear. Tell her.

We want to know.

It's just that I love to pack.

You love to pack? She loves to pack. Who loves to pack?

It's my gift. I've always loved packing, and I was really looking forward to

coming and helping you pack. And now that I see that you've already finished

packing... Now, look, Ellen, if it means that much to you,

dear... No, no, it's...

Why don't you go through our suitcases and help us repack?

I think I did a terrible job.

Well, okay.

Wow, who packed this one? Oh, he did.

Oh, Dolores, you should be very proud the man can pack.

Good symmetry, nice juxtaposition.

Weight distribution is a little bit off, but all in all, terrific, terrific job

packing panache.

always did have kind of a good spatial sense.

Ah, well, and it shows.

Well, let's move on now, shall we?

Okay.

We have here... Wow, Hubert, these are some big underpants, if I do say so.

Adam, try these on.

Just kidding.

Oh, that's the brain -body connection tape Adam gave us. Is that what this is?

Well, you know what?

We have bothered you too long enough. But remember, don't drink and pack.

But... Why don't you hold this while I say goodbye to Dolores and Hubert? By

means. Well, goodbye, Dolores.

Goodbye, Hubert.

Goodbye. Oh, I'll miss you.

Well, now he'll miss you, too.

Well,

not like I'll miss you.

I love you so. Okay, so long.

Don't forget.

Here's your copy of The Brain -Body Connection.

Ellen.

Hi, Jim. Can I come in?

Yeah, of course. I'm sorry.

I'm a little surprised to see you.

I mean, you haven't returned any of my phone calls.

Yeah, well, that's why I'm here. I mean, to apologize.

I've just had so many things on my mind, and I feel terrible.

Wow.

Thanks.

No, don't worry about it.

Just glad you're here now.

Hey, can I use your phone?

Yeah, sure.

I'll just... Where are you going?

You don't have a phone in the bathroom?

portable phone no uh no i got one phone and it's right here

oh that's great yeah one phone that's all you need really i hate people who

a lot of phones phones phones everywhere that's crazy you never know where

they're calling you from that's good one phone in the kitchen you can call me

when you're cooking well you know the place is so small that it really reaches

everywhere

what i just remembered is that my car is on fire alan hey alan

hello

oh hi mom uh -huh um

well your flight leaves at seven and it's one o 'clock now so i'll pick you

in it in an hour

to go to the gym.

No. No, no. I understand.

You don't want to be rushing.

Okay, I think I got it. I think it's recording.

Is the red light on?

Can you see the red light?

Oh, you're not recording over the brain -body connection, are you? No, no, no.

Just using the end of the tape.

Okay, now do something.

What should I do?

I don't know. Something fun.

I'm Richard Cole, and thanks for joining us.

something else.

Well, what should I do?

I don't know. Think of something. I don't want this to be a boring video.

You think this is boring?

Well, not so far, but... All right, then.

What do you think about this?

You're racist.

You're racist.

Okay. Now, switch the tapes.

First, go to the bathroom.

take my parents to the airport.

I'll tell you later.

We shouldn't be doing this.

Absolutely not. It's a gross violation to our friendship with Anita. Oh, it

really is. I'm completely ashamed of myself as a human being. Oh, me too.

ashamed. Just fast forward to the good part.

I'm Richard Cole, and thanks for joining us on our continuing exploration of the

brain -body connection.

Hey! Nothing!

Hey, you guys are not going to believe this.

You remember I told you about the tape that Brian and I made?

Yeah. Okay, well, Ellen, I hate to admit it, but it did fall into the wrong

hands because Adam must have used it to copy that show on public television, and

when he gave my parents a copy of the tape, Brian and I were still on the end

it, and my parents actually ended up with a tape of me having sex.

Oh, wait, wait. I was able to erase it on your VCR, and I was able to switch it

with the tape that they had when I took them to the airport today.

Thankfully.

Where did you get the tape you gave your parents?

From the VCR. You know, when I passed you when I was on my way out before.

Hope it didn't kill them.

Anita, I'm not saying that this is going to help your relationship with your

parents, but I'm pretty sure they're aware of the existence of sex.

Don't count on it.

I'm Richard Poland, and thanks for joining us on our continuing exploration

the brain -body connection.

Okay, now do something else.

Think of something. I don't want this to be a boring video.

Look, it's Dolores.

Well, do you think this is boring?

Well, not so far, but... This is amazing. They're even boring on tape.

I think she's dead.