Original subtitles

You guys must be pretty excited about your honeymoon, huh? Oh, yeah.

What made you decide on El Salvador?

Matt wants our honeymoon to be an adventure rather than, say, romantic

Paris. Well, El Salvador is romantic. I mean, it's got 50 ,000 kinds of insects.

Home of the capybara, world's largest rodent.

I mean, if that's not romantic, I don't know what romance is.

Thanks. No, you guys are really lucky. I mean it. I mean, not just because of

the giant rat thing, but... I mean, tomorrow you're going to marry the

you're going to spend the rest of your life with.

The rest of my life? Me?

I mean, who knows? My life is my own. If I feel like taking off to Europe on a

moment's notice, I'm gone.

Fifty years from now, you two will still be together, mall -walking in matching

sweatsuits.

Me? I'll probably be in Europe again, hiking in that vibrant way of mine.

A few flecks of gray in my hair, but all in all, not bad for an 83 -year -old.

Ellen, what are you trying to say?

Good luck tomorrow.

Texas. They sing our theme song.

They came all the way from Scotland.

Aren't they great?

for me, Audrey Tina.

Hey, Heather, how you doing?

Bite me.

Hey, your sister's okay with me being maid of honor, right?

It doesn't matter what she thinks. If I chose Heather, the day would be all

about her.

I want you. I mean, the maid of honor's job is very important.

What's the big deal? It's like being vice president. You just have to look

and step in and marry the groom should someone shoot the bride.

It's more than that.

Ellen, you're my plastic bubble.

And you're my rubber ducky. What are you trying to say?

You know, the boy in the plastic bubble, remember?

Contact with the outside world made him sick, and I need you to keep me from

things that make me sick, like any wedding problems or any contact with

immediate family.

You're my best friend, and you're the only person in the world who I trust

this job.

I'm honored to be your bubble.

You go get ready. I'll take your things out here, okay?

Thank you.

Okay.

Hey, Heather.

I just want to make sure you're okay with me being bubble of honor and you

No.

Well, I can see how you'd be upset, but then grow to accept it because it's

Paige's wish.

No.

But the important thing is that we work together and make it a great day for

Paige, right?

No.

Okay, glad to have you aboard.

Oh, Spence, you scared me. I thought you were Matt.

You know, if I was Matt, you would have heard the hotel staff yelling, Dead man

walking!

when you were coming down the hall. Get shorty!

You know what? Nothing you say can faze me.

Because today, while you were at the pinnacle of self -absorption, enjoying

yourself, I shall be calling New York and getting the details on my fantastic

summer internship, the best law firm in the country. So, na -na -na -na -na -na.

Okay, all right. I'm going to have to ask you to respect the plastic bubble

back away from the bride. Yeah, you know, punching that patient and getting

thrown out of medicine was the smartest thing I could have done. Yeah, I believe

that. Have a good day. Enjoy.

Well, it is going to be a beautiful day, isn't it?

Ellen, I have given out the bouquets, and Paige, don't panic, but yours is

missing. And I have a corsage for your mom, but I can't find her anywhere. And

asked Heather, and she told me to bite her.

And that taking care of her mom was the maid of honor's job and not hers.

Oh, great.

That's okay. Everything's still perfect. I'm sure Heather had a few glitches on

her wedding day too, right?

No.

Spence, come on.

Helen. Helen.

Hey, Peter, Barrett, what are you doing here? The wedding doesn't start for

another hour.

Oh, please. He didn't sleep a wink last night. When I woke up this morning, he

was fully dressed and sitting in the car.

Guilty. I love weddings.

My father was a wedding coordinator, so I guess it's my blood.

Princess Dias was like the moon landing for me.

I don't remember where we were when that happened, huh?

Well, if you'll excuse us, Barrett and I want to be the first ones to sign the

gift book.

Barrett, if you're going to make a face every time I suggest something, this

could make for a very long day.

You're so sweet. Come on with me.

Miss Clark?

Miss Clark?

Paige's side of the family's here.

here i think they prefer to be called wooden americans hi hi there uh listen

there is going to be a wedding and as maid of honor i'd like to inform you

dummies were not invited but this is where our ventriloquist convention

dance and karaoke night's being held uh no no there's a sign outside my man you

wild men are on the third floor Yeah, we were, but some foreign big shot staying

up there. The whole floor is under surveillance, so the hotel moved us down

here. No, but you can see the whole place is set up for a wedding, except

the dummies.

Oh, you're right.

Sorry. Thanks a lot. Thank you. Okay.

Not so fast.

Why do we have to leave?

That's enough, Gus. Oh, sure, we're good enough for your evening at the improvs

and your star search, but God forbid we come to your weddings and eat at your

tables.

Look, it's nothing against you or your kind, it's just that, um... You can see

that these dummies are not really dressed for a wedding, except for the

the monocle and the top hat. Ellen, Ellen, I'm 90 % sure that he's the one

talking.

Well, then 10 % of you is an idiot.

Here's the deal, little man. I'm going to call management. If you're still here

in 15 minutes, Geppetto here is going to be sticking his hand into a pile of

kindling.

Just calm down. They're just dummies.

I know that. I love dummies. It's those legs.

Oh, no.

Miss Clark?

Your daughter's getting married in a few minutes. You might want to wake up now.

Wake up.

She's hammered.

It's a shame. You know, I got a brother who's a drinker.

Yeah, I have an uncle. Would you just get out of here?

What are the odds of this happening twice in one lifetime?

Oh, my soul.

Oh, it's no big deal. It's just a passed -out mother of the bride in a room full

of dummies. Everything's still perfect.

Ellen, I know this may not be the best time, but are you not at all concerned

about the wedding cake?

What wedding cake? Exactly.

The wedding cake isn't here? It was supposed to be shipped from Texas

Oh, the bubble is bursting.

Okay, don't panic. Don't panic. Ellen, calm down. We are here for you. We are

your wedding elves. Use us.

of these dummies. I don't care what you do with them. Chop them up, stack them,

burn them, slice them. Just get them out of here.

Joe, the cake. Go check on it. It's from a place in San Antonio, Texas called

Remember the Alamode. Gotcha.

Audrey, Ron. Let me hang glide from the mountains of your soul.

Let me jet ski on the waves of your passion.

Oh, good one. Okay, can you jet ski over here? Please keep an eye on Paige's

mom. Okay, thank you.

Yeah. I'm thinking of losing to Miami.

The winters in New York are just too dang cold.

Hello?

How's it going? I'm on hold. Get this. I called Texas and the phone gave me all

my money back.

Must be broken. Keep trying. I have to go change.

Broken.

Hey, Mom?

It's me, Joe.

Guess what? I'm calling for free.

How are things up in Moose Jaw?

Uh -huh.

Mia, it's a half an hour before the wedding. That is the outfit we picked

That's the outfit you're going to wear.

No, I'm not going to wear it.

Hey, Mia, you know what's really cool? Wearing the outfit you agreed to wear.

Good girl.

I hate this dress.

And I hate you. No, you don't hate Paige. You love Paige. It's vegetables

hate, remember? Good girl.

She's only marrying my dad so she can turn my bedroom into a gym.

Mia, I told you, I only put my Stairmaster in there because there was

else to put it. And your Nordic track?

Oh, it folds and fits neatly under your bed.

Okay, okay, time, time, time. Do me a favor, please. We are running out of

Please go put your dress on, please.

How come you don't have to wear a dress?

Because I'm taking your dad and Paige to the airport, and I'm watering Paige's

plants when she's in El Salvador.

Okay, but when I get married, I'm wearing pants. I hear you.

Did you find my mom?

I think she may have started celebrating a tad early.

She's passed out. She's smashed.

Well, just let her sleep it off and we'll just prop her up for the wedding

photos like we usually do.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. What?

My mom forgot her pantyhose. We can't start the wedding with my mother not

wearing pantyhose. It's a matter of pride with her.

Pride? She's passed out flat on her back across three folding chairs.

split hairs with you. Okay, all right. Your bubble is here. I will take care of

it.

Mr. and Mrs.

Matt Liston.

Wow.

You know what? These are control top. Can I just throw a blanket across your

life?

Yeah.

Mrs. Corley?

I had you for seventh period.

Yeah, I just called to let you know I was right and you were wrong.

I never did use algebra again.

How's it going with the cake?

Oh, yeah.

Apologize is all you want, Mr. Alamone, but we're going to be expecting a

substantial discount for all the trouble you put us through.

Okay, Ms. Clark. Hi.

How's it going?

I'll be with you in a second, one guest at a time.

the wedding, so... What

are you doing? Oh, one of the main line of things that, you know...

Oh, well, good news.

I've rearranged the flowers in the hall, made sure the champagne is properly

chilled, and all the dummies are out by the pool being rubbed down with linseed

oil. And I peed her. I think I'll keep him.

Oh, now's not a good time to actually... I want a copy of that.

Oh, I forgot.

This is from Paige's Aunt Jean. She said it fell off her gift.

We would have put it back on, but Heather insisted that it was one of the

of the maid of honor.

I can't do it right now. I'm actually kind of busy, so... Here, let us. I've

experienced when I did volunteer work at the senior center.

She's a sponge bath. I can do that, too.

Okay, why does that left leg have a mind of its own?

Barrett, follow my lead.

Sorry, Aunt Jean.

Audrey, Penny, my petite, we've been through this. It's not just about me.

you read how much money George Clooney is making for playing the new Batman?

That should have been you.

Audrey, in New York, I am a respected stage actor.

Whereas here in Los Angeles, everybody thinks of me as TV's horse shack.

I'm Ron Polillo. Hi, I'm Brandy Darcy.

Hi, Ron Polillo. Oh, look.

A ooga!

Could your eyes have popped out of your head any further?

I just got off the phone with Buck's mom.

Buck's somewhere in Bangladesh. He went to join a kibbutz.

Something's wrong.

Hello, Bangladesh?

Yeah.

He's 6 '4", 280 pounds.

He's wearing a red flannel shirt and a hat with ear flaps.

Yes, he does have a tattoo of Grandpa Walden on his shoulder.

Wait, is it naked?

Damn, that's not him.

Sorry I woke you.

As fascinated as I am with Joe and Buck's excellent adventure, I have to

New York. I'm going to make the most important call of my life, and I want to

make it for free.

Careful, watch out. Hi, Miss Clark.

Hi, hi.

of every year you're like me, I'll probably be in Europe hiking a little

Ellen, he's arrived for Paige.

Ellen, here's my bag. Can you take that to my room?

It's 403. No, 304.

Here. Thank you. Okay, get those out of there. Give me that.

Can you bring this to Paige, please?

Okay, you don't have to say anything. I'll bite myself.

Well, I understand. Yeah, well, you know, relative to relative, right? So

give you guys a call next year.

Hello?

The internship, I blew it. The guy I punched, his uncle owns the firm.

Every time I think I'm moving on, that punch keeps pulling me back.

I can't believe this is happening to me. Well, you know, every dog has its day.

It takes more muscles to frown than not to... You know what? I don't have time

for this right now.

Hey, you know what tears up people a lot is flowers, especially delivering them.

What? I know, that's a stretch, but can you bring these to Paige's room, please?

I have to bring this to Matt's room, and then I'll listen to your rant after the

wedding as long as you want. Thank you very much. Paige's errand boy. That's

good for my self -esteem.

Yeah.

Yeah, Molson?

Yeah, I'm looking for my friend Buck. He drinks a lot of your beer.

I thought you might know where he'd gone.

Kuala Lumpur.

Okay, well, thanks a lot.

Now, you've been keeping... Hold it!

Put your hands on the wall!

It wouldn't have hit you if I knew you were in the CIA.

So, Miss Morgan, why were you trying to break into General Cologne's room? I

wasn't. I told you. Matt, he's marrying Paige, told me to take the bag up to

403. No, 304. And then I told Paige's sister, Heather, to bring the flowers to

Paige, and she's mad because she's not the bubble of honor, so she gave me this

bite -me -look. Can I please tell... The wedding starts in five minutes. No. The

secret of finding the word is that you think the word must be across or up and

down, but sometimes...

It is diagonal.

You know, sometimes it's diagonal and backwards.

Oh, so you like playing find the word, assassin?

Yes and no.

I guess I like playing no, I'm not an assassin.

Oh, look, I'm not offended that you tried to kill me.

In my business, it's when they stop trying to kill you that you have to

I'm not trying to kill you. I don't know you well enough to want to kill you.

Look, I have to get back downstairs. I'm the maid of honor.

Then why don't you wear a dress?

a dress kind of girl. What difference does it make?

Vertebrae! What?

It went backwards and diagonal, like the assassin said. Stop calling me that.

All right, all right.

Let me just check out this bag, then you'll be free to go. Thanks, I

that.

Those aren't mine. Those are Matt's. The groom?

That doesn't look good.

Matt is a police officer. I should have mentioned that earlier, huh?

Chocolate body paint.

I see.

You were going to seduce me first.

You are like the black widow that mates before it kills.

No, they're probably for the honeymoon. I'm sure Matt puts those on and then he

and Paige dance around with chocolate body paint on and there's a pony in a

mariachi band. I don't know.

And two tickets to El Salvador.

Ah.

You're probably sent by El Fuente. I don't even know El Fuente.

Ah, just the fact that name rolls off your tongue with such ease proves you

him well.

Yeah, you know what? You're right. Yes, you know what? I was sent by El Fuente

to kill you, and then I was going to escape to El Salvador wearing those

-covered underwear so I could hide out in the jungle and, you know, do the

camouflage. I could sleep next to a little family of tiger or leopards. I'd

probably get to know them because I'd be in the jungle for a long time. Nobody

could find me. I could probably survive for about a year with that chocolate

-covered body paint with, you know, the chocolate.

covered ants, or they have 50 ,000 kinds of insects. I don't know if you know

that. Actually,

it's the home of the capybara, which is the largest rodent. I'm a vegetarian. I

wouldn't eat it, but have it as a little pet. Like, come here, little capybara.

I'd probably name it or something. I wouldn't call it a capybara. But anyway,

please, can I go downstairs? Paige is counting on me. You aren't going

Hey, Gus, he can vouch for me.

You know Agent Starkey? You're an agent?

Yeah, I'm working undercover.

Don't be surprised.

Most CIA agents are trained ventriloquists.

I'm a mime.

Aha! Thorax! You diagonal cabron, I found you.

So, is she legit?

Yeah, sorry for the inconvenience. You can go. Thank you very much.

Not so fast there, blondie. You may have fooled these knuckle knobs, but I still

think you're a spy.

Yeah, she's not a spy.

What is it, good cop, bad dummy?

I'm not a spy.

Sing America the Beautiful.

Oh, beautiful... Drinkin' a glass of water.

We'll take care of the bag. Wait!

Could you help me find cerebellum?

How much longer, Barrett?

Still five minutes.

Who can damn this excitement?

I hope later we can do the chicken dance.

Did you just roll your eyes at me?

Hi, Navy consulate?

I've been led to believe my friend Buck is somewhere in Singapore.

He's going to be caned.

Why? Hey, how's it going out here?

I'll rip her heart out and put it in a pan and burn it with oil. Okay, okay,

that's good.

You take care of that. The cake is here. The flowers are here. The dummies are

gone. The pantyhose are on. Yes, that's it. My duties as maid of honor are

officially over.

Bravo. There's one little tiny problem.

We don't have a bride.

What? That's okay. You enjoy your bubbly. I'll go find her. Really? No.

Hey,

what are you doing? Sorry.

Hey, can't you wait for the honeymoon?

Spence?

She got her flowers.

My grandfather has copies of all the Welcome Back Potter.