Original subtitles

What is your problem? A bachelor party is tradition, you know? I didn't

when you had that shower and got those linens and that nice soap.

Please! A soap doesn't do lap dances for tips!

I don't care about naked women. I am just doing this for my friends.

Fine, then go. Fine, I will.

Fine! Fine!

lovebirds do, and I just chirp, chirp, chirp anyway, huh?

Certainly not arguing over naked women and soap. I didn't hear anything.

I can't believe he's actually going through with this. Hey, I know you're

because this guy's having a bachelor party, but you have nothing to worry

I mean, come on, this is Matt we're talking about, you know what I mean?

right.

Matt loves me.

No, he's the dullest man in North America.

That's not fair. I bet Matt has a couple of drinks in him. He would lie and

cheat on her like anybody else.

Absolutely.

Definitely. Thank you, Ellen.

I'm going to go to the store and buy everything with the word chocolate on it

and go home and eat myself sick.

All right. Bye -bye. Enjoy.

Jay Leno's here. Hi.

We're going to read some crazy headlines that I found in the paper today. Read

this one. This is funny. City officials divided over bond issues.

Yeah, yeah.

Weather outlook fair and mild.

Funny stuff.

I don't want to be kidnapped. I just want to go home and eat Oreos and be

miserable. Hey, you've got plenty of time to eat Oreos and be miserable after

you're married. Tonight is a night of fun.

Come on. Get ready to be excited.

Surprise!

Oh, my God.

We're in your apartment.

Thank you.

I'm going back to bed.

I'm off to Matt's party.

Oh, God!

What are you ogatting about? I'm the one that has to sit through a night of a

thousand yawns.

I wouldn't dream of missing the party of such a dear, dear friend.

So, which one of you is Paige?

I guess we underestimated mattresses, Mitch.

You know, Lorna, I really appreciate you coming. And, you know, I understand

you're a very busy woman. But if you don't want to go through with the whole

slumber party thing, I would completely understand.

Thank you. Thank you, Patty.

Therapist says that apparently I have a difficult time relating to females

socially.

And if I don't give this a whirl, she refuses to refill my Prozac.

So, let's party.

I thought you said no one else was coming. No.

I'm out of ship. I have a few more surprises.

Prepare to meet she who sees and knows.

I'm not being psychic.

Wow.

You radiate doom.

You!

I do?

I don't think you... This is Paige.

She's just kidding. This is Paige who lets us get married. You know, she's...

You probably are mistaking that. Maybe it's not doom that she's radiating. She

uses a lot of hair care products. And when, in fact, you think that it is doom

that you're sensing, it could be just, for instance, mousse.

Come on, don't be shy.

Oh, Taro.

Oh, Debbie, thank you. No, I'm Jewish.

Pick three cards.

The three of pentacles. The five of wands.

The king of cups.

Uh -oh, these are bad omens.

Oh, are you sure? Because cups, I mean, that's good. You know, they hold liquid

and you could, you know, if there's a bug crawling, you want to catch it, you

put it down.

king of them. That's got to be good, huh?

Come on, work with me, Debbie. How about, let me, you know what? I don't

they were shuffled. You probably forgot what the last person you were doing. Let

me just shuffle them up right here. Okay, let's just see what we have right

there. Okay, a little horsey stomping on some little animal. That's all right.

And then there's two men in overcoats jumping out of a burning building.

got to be good.

And there's a sword through someone's heart, which of course is the universal

symbol of love.

That means you'll be married and live in a house and have a big jacuzzi tub

that'll be hot with bubbles.

Oh, Ellen, do me next. Oh, please, oh, please. I want a jacuzzi tub.

Yeah, please, then do me. Do me, please.

Do me.

Oh, you are so wrong, Ellen.

These are bad omens.

The 69 stars will cast a shadow.

A man will be revealed.

He's seen.

Elvis will show himself.

And finally, at the sign of the serpent, something old, something new, something

borrowed, something blue will fall victim to the night.

Oh, my God.

My marriage is about to fall victim to the night? Come on. You can't listen to

her. She's a psychic who lives with her parents.

Hey, man. You're going to make fun of the occult.

I'm going to hit the gym.

Oh, Debbie, we're sorry. Don't go.

You hit star 69 and it calls back whoever just called you.

how much you know, because it's North Sweeter.

Kovac Dictionary, my man.

This is nothing.

Back up in Moose Jaw, we used to get up in the morning and chug straight

Tabasco. Hey, guys, Chug it and chug Tabasco!

Come on, chug it!

Yeah, chug it, chug it!

Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!

Ellen, are you sure this is okay?

It's fine, I'm telling you. My parents are out of town. We can step as late as

we want.

Oh, dear little rodent. Quick, take a picture so I can prove to my therapist

having fun. Okay, I want to be a... Well, smile.

I am.

Oh, that being surprise number two, I told him the slumber rave was moving on.

Get ready, Paige.

Hi, D .H. Security, your silent arm went off back at headquarters.

Oh.

Page of Silent Alarm's been going off all day long. Good outfit. Very, very

sexy. I like it.

Is everything okay?

It is now.

Everybody sit back and let Mr. D .A. Security secure our premises.

Come on. What's the matter? Are you shy or something? You know, it's a little

warm in here. Let's take that jacket off, huh?

Dance for us, dance.

Hey,

he's not bad.

Go, security guy, go.

I tell you what, why don't you hop up on here and let's make you a little more

comfortable, huh?

There we go.

How about if I give you one, two, well, let's just start with one.

Okay. Here you go.

You want one? Yeah.

Do not test this until Tuesday.

This is 37.

Situation's a little unusual, but I got it under control.

You're not a stripper, are you?

Nope.

We should raise a glass of water to Paige Clark, Matt's lovely new fiancé.

You're a lucky man. Thanks, man. Thanks. Hey, chug it down. Chug it down.

Chug it down.

Chug it down. Chug it down. Chug it down. Chug it down.

Chug it down. You know, before I enjoy this, I think we need to know the story

of how you guys met. I mean, the whole thing, every fascinating detail.

Okay.

1 -15 -96 -13 -21 hours.

1 -15 -96 -13 -21 hours.

Light as a feather, invisible.

Just use your fingertips.

Good, Lorna. You have to believe, Ellen.

I do believe. I believe that you can't lift people with fingertips. Let's

levitate something lighter like a magazine.

were, but your father's bursitis started acting up again, and so he insisted on

coming home.

I'm sorry. I know we're not supposed to have parties on weeknights, but it's

Paige's bachelorette party, and you weren't home. And besides, I'm 33.

Shoes off table. Sorry.

Hello. You have an adorable little home. Good for you. How do you do? I'm Lorna

Iron, the first female president of Tri -Global Pictures in its entire 35 years.

Oh, that's nice.

right good night now you girls have fun okay good night good night girls

and it looked like Elvis.

It doesn't matter anyway now because I have my friend and I have a big old jug

of hoot and if Matt is out having a wild time, then so am I.

I tried

to explain to her why I wanted this party, you know, and she just

wouldn't listen.

No. Why?

Why? Because women don't understand us, man, you know? It's like we're speaking

a different language. Yeah.

And then we always feel like we have to apologize, you know? What are we

apologizing for?

We haven't done anything wrong.

You go, guy.

You're trying to sleep.

Sorry, Daddy.

Sorry. Sorry.

You know, you guys are really great.

I'm sorry.

You know, I never got invited to a slumber party when I was little. Oh, the

Lorna. No!

Everybody just hated me, you know, and why? You know, a boy jumps the chain of

command to become head hall monitor. He's a leader. And a girl does it. What?

She's bossy. Oh. I know how you feel.

It's been the same way for me. I feel like I'm going to hurl.

Okay. Oh, it's their turn. Okay, Paige.

Hi. Truth or dare?

Give me truth.

Okay.

What is the best whoopee that you ever had besides Matt?

Oh, that's easy.

The VP of marketing. His name is...

Riley, Ed Riley. Riley, I think that's him, Riley.

I know it is. I've been seeing Ed on and off for the last three years.

I just became a stay -at -home wife, didn't I?

You know what you're doing? I know.

She's playing the Ed Riley game. Who slept with Ed Riley? I did.

I did.

Isn't he incredible?

Did he do that thing with you with the tapioca and the orange?

or I'll have to drive each and every one of you home right now.

I'm out partying.

I don't deserve her.

We're not worthy of women.

old, something new, something barred, something blue will fall victim to the

night. Oh, come on. Forget it, Ellen.

The serpent's a babe.

Besides, nothing's happened so far. Yeah, nothing has happened to you.

I was the one who got star 69. I thought the security guy was the stripper. It

was my Elvis on Lorna's butt.

What is going on?

What?

It's my parents' marriage in jeopardy. Mom, you don't want to do that. Get

Dance with the stripper. Dance with the stripper. Come here, Mom.

Look, I love you, and I just want...

It's not what it looks like.

Hello. Hi. I need to report my car was towed from in front of my parents'

It's a Datsun.

What year?

It's old.

I don't know.

But the seats are new.

Yeah, it's not mine.

Yeah, I borrowed it.

It's my cousin's.

What color? It's blue.