Original subtitles

the big day. You must be so nervous.

No, I mustn't. There's nothing to be nervous about.

Well, begging the captain's pardon, but nothing to be nervous about.

Today's only the day that the Hollywood Reader comes out with its list of the 20

hippest tangs in L .A. I think that's nothing to be nervous about!

Poor, innocent, sweet Audrey.

No, we didn't make the list last time because, well, just because we didn't.

look at the place now. I mean, look at the decor and...

The giant billiard ball thing, you know, and the things. I mean, look at our

customers. Okay,

not them, but certainly not them.

But we're going to be on the list. Don't you worry about that. One way to

improve our chance of making the list is to carry the damn thing.

Okay, here it is.

Let's see, let's see, let's see.

Here we go, here we go.

20 best intersections in which to be broadsided by an uninsured motorist.

20 best places to find a dead body in L .A. No.

Here we go. 20 hippest hangs in L .A.

Well, what number are we? Three? Four?

We didn't make it.

Check top 20 places to find a dead body.

I expected to be on the list. I mean, it's not for bookstores. The hippest

is for clubs and bars.

Book and Bean.

Book Attack.

Book and Macaroni. Book and Dano. Public Library.

Ah, here, here we are. Oh, okay, my fault, my fault.

I scanned, I should have perused. Okay.

Honorable mention for cleanest restrooms.

Honorable mention? Who beat us?

Public Library.

Tommy's Burgers.

Shell Station on Melrose.

Dodger Stadium.

I'm here with Gabrielle Reese, world -famous volleyball player. She's giving

a few pointers, which I don't need.

Remember, this is the ball. That's the net.

That's the ball. That's the net. Very funny. Okay, Gabrielle, prepare to be

embarrassed. Come on.

Hey, man, how's it going?

Is this the apartment for rent?

Uh, no, man.

You're the fifth guy today. It's a misprint. Buildings across the street.

Yeah. Is it nice?

I don't know. It's not my apartment.

Okay, right.

Okay.

Is the cable ready?

I talked about this. I said it would be the last time I talked about this, and

it was. But I've been thinking about this, and if being hip is defined by

on a top 20 list, then I want to be on it. Why am I not on it? Why didn't they

pick me to be on it? Oh, God, Ellen, please, just let it go. You run a good

business. You didn't make the list, so what? It's about more than business.

about the kind of people I want in my bookstore. I mean, I never, I don't know

if I told you this before, but I never was in the in crowd when I was in

I wanted to be. I wanted to sit at the cool table in the cafeteria.

Never did. One day, finally, my senior year, I finally got to the table next to

the cool table.

The cool table once removed.

Exactly.

I was so close, I could even hear their conversations.

One would say to the other one, what are you doing after school?

The other one would say, nothing.

Man, I can't tell you how many times I fantasized about saying,

Nothing.

One day, one of them just asked me, and it just scared me so much. I got so

nervous, I just blurted out, field hockey.

What was I talking about?

You were talking about the list. The list, that's right, the list. Okay, so

decided the next time I am going to be on this list, there comes a point in

life when you just stop dreaming and you start doing.

Wait, I thought you were never supposed to stop dreaming. Don't confuse me. I

know what I want now.

And I...

I want to take a shower.

Hi.

Is this the apartment for rent?

Yes.

Yes,

it is.

the place, so here's the drill.

If a customer asks you for a cup of coffee, what do you say?

Coming right up.

Coming right... No, no, no, no, no. You say, as soon as I finish mine.

As soon as I finish mine.

Hey, guys.

What a day.

Good hat.

Audrey.

Could I have a double cappuccino, please?

As soon as I finish mine.

Audrey, get me the coffee. Okay.

I don't need any more hassle. The church just bumped my wedding for Brad Pitt.

So frustrating.

Who do you have to sleep with to get married in this town?

Hey, Paige, perhaps you'd like to try a little concoction I whipped up.

It's called a latte latte.

Six bucks, nothing but steamed milk.

Okay, y 'all, I think I figured it out. I stopped by a few of our competitors to

see why they're on the list. Take a look at this.

Friday night, live music. Saturday night, poetry reading.

Sunday night, open mic night.

What do all these have in common?

Oh, they're all days of the week, Ellen.

Well, I've had the luxury of looking even deeper, and I think entertainment

might bring in even more people than the days of the week, which we have tried.

Hi. I work for a major movie studio. I think this is maybe my department here.

Let's see, we have projects with Sting and Peter Gabriel.

I can go as high as 200 bucks.

I could get you Vanilli.

Ellen, I hope I'm not bragging, but up in Canada, I used to book acts for the

Elks Club.

You're not bragging yet.

Trust me, Ellen, I think I know exactly what we're looking for.

All right. I've got you, baby.

And you've got me.

Ring -a -ding -ding, ring -a -ding -ding.

La, la, la.

Enthusiasm, enthusiasm.

Load it to him.

Do I get the job?

This is going to be a tough decision.

Hi. Thanks for coming by. Listen, I really got to tell you something. I know

what I said about the apartment, but the reality is... Oh, yeah. Well, I brought

my roommate to come see the place. She wants to make sure there's going to be

enough room for her massage table.

Hi. Hi.

Nice to see you.

I have to tell you...

And your roommate, who I'm quite pleased to meet, that I've decided to make the

first month free.

Okay.

Opening night is so exciting. We're going to be turning people away at the

We should let people in. before we turn them away, though, because that's silly.

Just turn them away. Don't come in. There's no room. We don't think there's

for you.

Anyway, okay, so sound system.

Check. Okay, hand stamper.

Check. Light.

With the band. Where's the band?

They canceled.

What?

They said they were sorry.

Oh, they're sorry.

Oh, oh, yeah. Okay, well, hi, Ed Sullivan. This is the Beatles. I'm sorry

not going to make it on your program to make television history. We're sorry.

Ellen, you're not comparing me. Yes, I am, Joe!

Don't worry.

I went ahead and booked the second best band. What are you talking about? There

was no second best band.

Because you people, God bless you, are the hope of this great nation of ours.

So without any further ado, here is little Joni Osborne.

What if God was one of us?

If God was one of us, he'd be asking for his money back.

Hey, what if God was one of us?

Buddha walks up to a hot dog stand and says, Make me one with everything.

Like a stranger on a bus trying to make his way home.

So a guy gets off a bus, finally makes his way home. His wife is there waiting

for him, and he says, Honey, I had the worst day of my life today. Make me a

martini. Poof, you're a martini.

Hey, how y 'all doing?

I'm Ellen Morgan, and my friends call me Ellen Morgan.

Listen, they're just a warm -up act. They're just warming up till we get

somebody good.

Actually, we came to see the Shapiros.

Those Shapiros?

Yeah, last night. Corny Love came in to check out your clean products and

accidentally called their ex.

Loved it. Been raving about it ever since.

Well, okay. Then, you know, the Shapiros do three shows a night here. You know,

I'm the owner of the joint. I own the joint. So if there's anything I can get

you, actually a little bit. Audrey, why don't you help my pirate friend and his

chick friend with keeping the break?

As soon as I finish mine.

And you can just sit there and shut up.

All right. Cool place.

And last night totally rocked nine full hours of power pop at Spaceland, man.

Absolutely key, mate, really.

Hey, have you all heard Jackson Browne's new album?

That man, he is key. Isn't he key?

You know what I'm doing this weekend?

Nothing.

Enjoy the show.

Thank you.

Welcome to By the Book.

Before we get started, I'd like to remind everyone that there is a two

-latte minimum.

And now, for all you Shapiro maniacs out there, I'd like to introduce to you the

winners of last year's Golden Walker for most retirement home charity

performances. Put them together for the Shapiro!

Enthusiasm!

Enthusiasm! Loaded to here with enthusiasm!

Hey, hi, I'm Del. I want to introduce you to my lovely and talented wife of...

36 years, the very wonderful Roseanne. Rochelle!

Well, I was close enough, wasn't I?

Ladies and gentlemen, my wife and I take great pleasure.

Twice a week.

Brilliant. Do they have any idea how bad they really are? Oh, God, I hope not,

because we had some major grins. And that bow -legged Rockette bit?

Loved it!

This is awful.

This is terrible. Do you see what's going on here?

The Shapiros are up there performing their hearts out to get people to laugh.

And you know what they're doing? They're laughing at them. That is not funny.

Ellen, this is exactly what you wanted. The place is packed.

You're making money. I can't take this money. It's blood money. The Shapiros

think they're good.

They're like the guy who owned the Elephant Man.

Ellen, these people paid good money to see a really bad act. Don't you think

customers deserve the worst?

Think about it, though. I mean, I just feel sorry for them. What if it were

parents up there and people were laughing at them?

I like them all.

Well, what do you think, Spence? You're the ones that have to live here.

For the love of God, come in.

Ella sent me to get the key to the safe. We are rolling in dough. Hello.

Hi. Hi.

So, what's going on here, Catherine? They think the apartment's for rent.

And where'd they get that idea? Uh, from me.

Are you insane?

Do you really think you can get away with this, man? Well, I don't know. I

no plan. I just know I need to keep them in my life.

You know what you're going to have to do, don't you?

Find Ellen another apartment.

For the second show, we should open with the monkey bit and close with

enthusiasm. Now, that's a great idea.

if you're a nut.

Monkey Bit is not a proven opener.

Hey, Shaparo, how you doing? Fine. Yeah, boy, that first show was, uh, did you

hear them laughing? They sure were laughing a lot, that crowd, huh?

Yeah, especially during the Monkey Bit. Right, which is why I said we should

open with it. Didn't you just hear my throat? I told you, it's not a proven

opener. What do you think? Edison invented the phonograph before he

electric light?

You should know. You were there.

Funny. Write it down.

The monkey bit was funny. It sure was funny. I mean, people were laughing, but

you know how there's good cholesterol and bad cholesterol?

The doctor bit.

You're getting bad laughs.

The clown with the lint. No, no, no. People are laughing at you.

Well, sure, we're funny.

Even when we're not trying to be funny. We can't help it. We're naturals. For

crying out loud, Del.

Listen to what she's saying. Read between the lines, you idiot.

What she's saying is people are laughing at us. Well, maybe they wouldn't be

laughing at us if you got your timing straight during the drunk astronaut bit.

Timing, smiming.

Our material state.

Look at this.

Now she's blaming the material.

I don't need this. You know what? This is making me sick. I don't need to go

on stage every night and make a fool out of myself.

Oh, no, it's not about making a fool of yourself. It's like, you know, I just

thought you should know so that you could laugh along, too, when they're

laughing, you know.

Fine.

Hey, you don't want to be here? Get out. I don't need you. Wait a minute. Fine.

I'm out of here, okay? No, wait a minute. Oh, yeah. Don't... Oh, Del. Del.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'm... I...

I didn't mean for that to happen. I just thought by telling you you were the

butt of people's jokes that it would make things better.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce to you an act that has

taken L .A. by storm.

Folks, let's hear it for the Shapiro!

Enthusiasm, enthusiasm, loaded to here we...

on a tradition of my very lovely and talented wife of 36 years, very

Roseanne. Rochelle!

Well, what the heck, I was close enough. Ladies and gentlemen, my wife and I

take great pleasure... Twice a week!

Oh, boy. Hey, I hope they're one of ours.

Excuse me, sir, are you in show business?

No? Well, then get your foot off the stage.

Just threw that in. That's an ad lib.

Testing one, two. Is this on? They can hear me. Okay.

Whoa, looks like the Nuremberg jury out there.

So, come on, hey, lady, I laughed when you came in.

So, a guy finishes his day's work, and he gets on the boat, and he busts, and

goes home to his wife who's waiting there, and he says, hi, honey, I'm home.

Make me a martini. Poop, you're a martini.

something for you youngsters out there because you, God bless you, are the hope

of this great nation.

Hey, what if God was one of us?

Just a slob like one of us.

I almost forgot. Today is my little daughter's first dental appointment day.

how did it go at the dentist, little daughter? Fine, Daddy. I didn't have any

cavities. I'm so proud. But I'm pregnant. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Just a stranger on a bus trying to make his way home.

Guy gets off the bus, runs into a person he hasn't seen in years, an old friend.

Hey, pal, where you been?

Oh, I went to Alaska to visit my uncle. Gnome? Gnome? He's my uncle.

Wait a minute, everybody. Take it down, please.

I think we hip people need to take a

little look at ourselves.

Because we've been coming in here every night, we've been laughing, but maybe

it's at the expense of others.

Hmm?

I have a dream.

A dream where every table in the cafeteria is the cool table.

And where every weekend, everybody's doing nothing.

You know, there's an ancient hip, but there's also an ancient human.

And there's an ancient laugh, but it's silent.

Well, it's not silent. It's F.

It sounds like laugh.

So, you know, I think if we're not laughing with the Shapiros, then maybe

shouldn't be laughing at all.

Okay. So, a girl goes into the psychiatrist's office and she says,

boyfriend thinks he's a TV set. That's ringing in.

What, and miss my favorite programs?

What, and miss my favorite programs?

You know what? You've ruined it.

Now I just feel sorry for you. Come on, let's get out of here.

Enthusiasm, enthusiasm.

Loaded to here with enthusiasm.

A million dollars is an awful lot.

Still be together, so I have your money, but I put separate checks together.

Listen, Ellen, you don't stay married 36 years without weathering a few storms.

Oh, well, I'm sorry I screwed things up, but if you knew me better, you wouldn't

be surprised.

Come on.

I know the kids laugh at us. I've known them for a long time, but who cares?

You got your ups and you got your downs, but it beats working at 7 -Eleven.

At least in show business, it's only the club owners who hold you up.

Hey, that's funny. Write that down.

I will.

You know, we should just put this behind us, you know? Come in tomorrow night,

have a whole new clientele. We could sell out three shows a bit. Ellen, we've

got another gig.

Yeah, we're opening for Courtney Love on a whirlwind 50 -city tour. She's a

lovely, lovely girl.

Oh, don't do that.

We could... You know, I've been working on a few jokes to add to the biz. I came

up with this one about a cross -eyed orthodontist, and he says, what are you

looking at? And then she says...

I don't know.

I mean, he's punching up, but it's a good area. It's a good fertile area.

Listen, we gotta go because Courtney's limo was waiting for us, and it's

surprisingly clean.

You're an absolute doll, and we promise we'll send postcards.

Bye -bye. Listen, if you ever want to join the act, Bubba, I'll drop Rochelle

like a bad habit.

I heard that!

No, I'm trying to make her feel good. She lost headliners.

Enthusiasm.

Oh,

hey,

watch that end.

And don't chip the corners.

Okay, guys, bring it in.

Careful, careful.

You can just set it down right here.

Great.

Explain?