Original subtitles

Thank you for passing. Buy the book.

Hi. How are you? Thank you. Would you like to come in? Have a little glass of

water? You must be porch.

Mail. Or as I like to refer to it, Ellen's little bundle of shame.

Telephone bill, final notice.

Electric bill, final notice.

Oh, the gas company.

Turning me off Wednesday.

Although I do appreciate the little cartoon man telling me so.

No, he turned off. Wah, wah, wah.

What are you doing?

This one says Ellen Morgan and Friends.

That's me.

Oh, God.

Audrey's parents are throwing her a surprise birthday party. We're all

I didn't even know Audrey had parents.

Yeah, I thought she was raised by a family of poodles.

Do we have to go?

This is so perfect. I'm broke, and now I have to buy a gift.

I wonder if Audrey wants an overdue bill.

It's pink.

That's where things don't pick up around here. I don't know what I'm going to

do. Have you thought about making some cutbacks around here? Well, I already

have.

Don't tell Joe, but I secretly replaced his Kona coffee.

Hey!

What happened to my coffee?

What? It's Colombian.

Vancouver blend?

That's British Colombian.

Ellen, when I said making cutbacks, I meant cutbacks.

You're going to have to let someone go.

You want me to get rid of Joe?

to talk to you for a sec. Yay!

That's what I love most about slow days like this.

More time for girl talk.

Okay, I'll start.

Isn't Kenneth Branagh the dreamiest?

Okay, your turn.

Okay. Um, hey, how's your financial situation?

Fine. Do you think he and Emma will get back together?

I hope so, because they remind me so much of me and my sweet Ron Palillo TV

horse act.

Yeah, me too.

Hey,

you know how in the olden days they used to have pirate ships? Ooh, scary.

Yeah, scary.

I'm telling you. Oh, okay, like, you know, like when pirate ships were in

trouble? Like, for instance, when they were sinking, you know, they'd have to

throw things overboard, like excess cargo to save themselves? Like, they'd

to throw, like, a wooden leg or an eye patch or a bottle of rum or...

Or sometimes when they were really in trouble, the last pirate that boarded

ship.

Oh, I get it.

You're with child.

What? How did you get that out of what I said?

Excess cargo, last pirate who boarded the ship.

I wasn't born yesterday.

No, I'm not with child.

Oh.

Actually,

I'm having money problems.

Well, I don't have much, but what I do have is yours, my dearest friend.

Thanks.

Okay, we are obviously lost. This can't be Audrey's house.

This looks like a national park.

I followed the directions on the invitation.

Uh,

hello. I'll take large fries and a fun meal.

Dude, now I just need the drunk.

Yes?

Oh, hi.

Sorry, hello. Sorry to bother you.

We're lost. We're looking for the Penny House.

This is the Penny House. Please proceed past the carousel, take a left at the

petting zoo, and just follow the yellow brick road.

Follow the yellow brick road?

Follow the yellow brick road.

Looks like the inside of Jeannie's bottle.

Audrey is rich.

Filthy, stinking rich.

Oh, I don't know. Let's not jump to conclusions. Just because a tram takes

the main house doesn't mean they're rich.

Oh, my God. Ellen, this candy dish is full of money.

Oh, that is so unfair. Audrey doesn't know how to spend money.

I would buy Richard Tyler suits in every color of the rainbow.

You already do.

First of all, I'd redecorate. And then I'd give all this stuff to the homeless.

Oh, no. They've suffered enough.

Hey, look. A tiara.

Yeah, looky here, sweetheart.

The party's not five minutes old and already somebody's wearing an ashtray on

their head.

You must be Audrey's little friend.

Oh, and judging by that slutty pantsuit, you must be big.

Hi. Hi.

And you must be Big Joe. I understand you got a crush on my little girl.

Oh, I really don't have a crush on your daughter. The truth is, I love your

daughter, Mr. Penny.

I love her with all my heart.

She is the sole heir, right?

Have a big girl, son.

Thanks, Dad.

Well, this is quite a house you have here.

Do you like it?

I have a gift for decorating.

Most of the things in here I designed myself.

Imagine that. For example, this little deer.

I call him my nightlife.

Do you get it? Oh, shall I explain it to you? No, I get it. We both get it. Oh,

good. Oh, well, it's been charming to meet you, but... If you'll excuse me, I

have to go check on the hors d 'oeuvres. I want to make sure those little

piggies are tucked snug in their blankets.

Okay, we're all chummy now. We're having hors d

'oeuvres together.

Little did I know that tomorrow I'm dropping the axe on Audrey.

Hello, Ellen.

Audrey's daddy's rich.

And her mom is good looking. What's your point?

Ellen, Audrey is loaded.

If you fire her, you don't have to worry. She's not going to go hungry.

not going to live out on the street. The worst thing that could happen is she'll

have to move into the West Wing.

Right, I can lay her off now. I mean, sure, it'll be hard, but at least she'll

have three inches of lime green shag carpet to break her fall.

Atencio! Now, monkey down, y 'all. Our security camera just caught a little

Audrey Pye coming through the trophy room. Everybody hide now.

I want you to relax and enjoy yourself.

Let's have fun!

Get rid of puffin' stuff.

So, Audrey, or should I say Miss Moneybags?

kind of money you know what i'd do i'd quit my job i'd never work another day

my life no you wouldn't ellen you'd never be able to respect yourself yes i

would no you wouldn't oh yes i would you'd be surprised how little respect i

have for myself

Suppose you found yourself destitute and wearing nothing but pink rags. I bet

you would then. No, I wouldn't. Yeah, you would. But not. Would too. But not.

Would too. But not. Yes, you would.

They gave me $10 ,000.

Hi, there.

Hi. Big fan. Uh -huh. Thank you. That was a necklace from Aunt Pearl.

Here you go.

Here, sweetheart. Open this one. This is from your mama and me.

Oh, God. I can't look.

Mommy, Daddy, please don't do this.

If this is what I think it is, you know I cannot accept it. Oh, just open it,

sweetheart. I don't...

to the family business.

You're going to work for the family business?

I mean, oh, oh, no. You're going to work for the family business.

No.

Mom and Pop, you took a small Mom and Pop store that sold socket wrenches and

sweaters and you turned it into a booming catalog corporation.

But I don't belong in a highly successful business.

I belong with Ellen.

But it's your birthright, honey.

You're the last in the penny family line.

That is until Joe Jr. comes along.

Open it muffin please.

There's nothing in here.

Oh yes there is.

In that box is a wish.

Use it to obtain whatever your heart desires.

Her wish and her wish it shall be.

Now, everyone, we have Neapolitan ice cream in the dining room.

Yes, please, everyone, please form a single line. Thank you.

We've got both spoons going to your left.

Just continue on, no spilling on the rice.

about Audrey's wish.

Hey, you know how in the olden days there were pirate ships?

Oh, I get it.

You're with child.

I don't know how you guys come up... No, let me put it another way.

You know how when the stork comes...

that my bookstore is having financial trouble, and I never even hire in the

first place, and when I didn't hire her, it was temporary anyway.

Financial trouble? Why didn't you say so? Come on over here.

Now, how do you spell Ellen? Is that with two L's or one?

Oh, well, it's two L's, but I really, I couldn't take your money. Look, this is

the first present my little girl's taken from me in an awful long time, and I'm

going to make sure she keeps it.

Is Inez...

Well, and I, but I really, I cannot take your money. I really can't. I mean,

that's just not something that I could do. But $100 ,000?

That's one -tenth of an indecent proposal.

I'm a semi -demi -more.

Or is it semi -demi? I don't know.

I just... I can't take your money. I mean, I would love to hire your daughter

back. I really would, but I can't take your money. I feel like I'd have to give

you something in return. Oh, now, hold on just a minute. I'm a married man, and

I love my little wife. Oh, Dad!

No, no, no, no. I didn't mean that. No, I don't... It's just that I don't want

your money. I mean, I want your money, but I just can't take your... It's your

money. I can't take it. Oh, well, no. Don't consider it taking it, then.

Consider it a loan or a gift or a friendly investment.

Hell, call it Polly Wolly Doodle if you want to.

The point is that my little girl has never been as happy as she is working in

your bookstore.

Ellen, you want to make Audrey happy, don't you?

Now, sure, yes, I do.

decision to walk in my own footsteps and in fact they've joined me isn't it

great oh yeah do they have to walk here and then does this look all right yes

that's good because the kitty next to the puppy that's perfect you know what i

would uh just a down little bit yeah a little lower a little lower than that a

little lower a little lower

say to you?

Um, flip?

Flop? No, no, no. Use your imagination.

Uh, boy, the sand is hot. I wish somebody put their feet in me.

Exactly.

Now, let me tell you about a little thing called impulse buy. You come in

store, you buy a book. You're standing here at the counter waiting to pay for

it. Your eyes are wandering around. You see a biscotti. No, no, I don't care for

those. A book, I'm already going to buy a book. And then your eye falls on these

flip flops. Well, I... I think I'll buy these flip -flops and take them down to

the beach and read my book.

See what I'm getting at?

Flip -flops?

I really appreciate your advice, and I'm sure you're a very savvy businessman,

but I really feel more comfortable just selling books and coffee.

Well, I'm sure a caterpillar feels more comfortable just staying a caterpillar,

too. But if I invest $100 ,000 in him, he'll damn well turn into a butterfly.

Oh, I didn't realize. I kind of didn't know that this was an investment. I

thought we agreed it was a holly -wolly doodle.

Jack Huckleberry Penny, I've been looking at carpet samples, and I've

to these.

Two. It's the violet and the puce.

Now, see, I think that the violet makes her look less sallow.

Oh, excuse us, Ellen. What do you think, Daddy? Excuse us.

Joe. Joe, you've got to help me. Audrey's parents are trying to take

They're like Audrey, but better at it.

Ellen, I will not have you talking about my future in -laws that way.

Ellen, come over here. You might want to eyeball this.

Oh, well, what is that?

It's a script.

Now, my Lily thinks that changing the carpet brings in customers, but you and

both know that it takes advertising. We're doing a TV commercial, and you,

little lady, you're going to be the star.

Oh, I think so.

Hi, I'm Crazy Ellen, the discount book nut.

People come up and they ask me, why do they call you Crazy Ellen?

Because I'm insane.

Just look at these prices.

Oh, crazy Ellen, we're taking you to that house before you slice my soul. Oh,

you hurt yourself!

I can't do this. I can't do this. This is just crazy. I can't do it.

Stop. I cannot do this.

She's insane!

I don't want to be crazy, Ellen.

I don't want to be crazy, Ellen. I don't want to sell flip -flops. And as much

as the plastic flip -covers on the furniture help stop the staining and

spillage, it's just not me.

Well, Ellen, if we all went around doing like you, we'd all be bouncing chicks.

and laying off Audrey. We've got to do what works here.

Listen, Mr. Penny, as much as I hate to say this, I wish for my freedom.

I want to follow my own dream. I want to pave my own way, make my own mistakes.

And the mistake I want to make right now is I want to give you your $100 ,000

back.

Ellen?

What are you talking about?

I... I took money from your parents so that I...

Wouldn't have to fire you.

appreciate what you tried to do for me i mean i the money was nice it was very

nice i was able to buy fruit loops not just the real fruit circle things those

are not nearly as tasty and they melt and it doesn't stay as crispy when you

them they're just kind of gush and you this isn't worth it and they're only but

anyway i appreciate it but i can't take your money especially if there's strings

attached i just can't ellen now that you've walked

Yeah, I guess you could say that, yeah. Good.

Daddy, Mommy, I have one more birthday wish.

I want to take over your financial stake and buy the book. What?

You're going to take money from us?

Don't tease us, dear.

I can write you a check right now for $60 ,000. And then I have... I used $40

,000 to pay some bills. And I have... Oh, here's $5 right here. And if you

$10, you owe me $10, don't you?

And here's some gum. That's worth about $1 .50.

And then... Hey, look at this.

Nothing like a smooth cognac and a fine

cigar. Yeah, and these are good, too.

You look like you got something on your mind, Joe.

You can read me like a book, Pops.

Mr. Penny, I want to take this opportunity to tell you that I have

intention of making your daughter my wife.

I'm sorry, son, but another interested suit has already beat you to the punch.