Original subtitles

Triple ups with a lemon finish?

Where's Matt's daughter? I thought you were going to spend the day with her.

She's out stalking in the car. And I planned her the perfect day. We went to

Saks and Armani and then Every Kid's Idea of Heaven, the Neiman's Makeup

Counter.

All she did was pout and complain.

That's what I did when you took me there.

Mia?

This is my friend Ellen.

I look like a dork, don't I?

Yes, you do, kind of.

Hey, cool, can I try?

Okay, sure.

Remember, it's forward skate till I blow the whistle. Okay.

Wow, she's difficult.

Well, if you let her dust, of course she's gonna like you.

You know, Paige, I know you planned on taking her to the Paramount Studios

department tomorrow, but maybe you should do something that she likes to

Well, she just wants to do kid stuff like the amusement parks and the

Wow. She's got a lot of growing up to do, huh?

Where are my girls?

Oh, hey, baby.

Hey, Daddy!

Oh, hey.

Excuse me, have we met?

Paige did it. Oh.

Looks good.

Just might be a little much for daytime.

Ellen, do you have a bathroom where I can scrape some skunk off me?

Yes, I do. It's over there.

Thanks. Sure. While you're in there, will you mop under the sink? Sure.

Listen, thanks for taking her out today, Wes. That's a great thing.

Can we talk?

Yeah.

Look, I know we've been spending a lot of time with Mia, and we really haven't

had a chance to, you know... Oh, I know. God, do I know.

You guys are so cute.

So, since Mia's going to be with her mom next weekend, I was thinking we

could... Oh, boy, we could.

Go camping.

Yeah, just a tent in the woods. I remember you saying how you love trees

birds. Oh, I think she was talking about upholstery.

It's been three days.

Oh, what am I thinking? Yes, Paige loves to camp.

Sure, she, you know, a lot of people in this town seem to think that she camped

away at the top.

Ellen, Charlie, you have to work that, you have to work that camera, honey.

is your main title. Come on here, girl, and do that thing, Charlie.

I knew you'd done... The only thing is, I'm a little more used to wearing pants,

so I'm not really... Child, you're going to have to get over it. I did. See,

look. RuPaul, I think...

I

think we lost him!

Yeah. You know, why does a museum even have a dinosaur if you can't slide down

its tail, huh?

Explain to me one last time why a science museum is more fun than a full

wax.

Ellen, my friend Susie and her mom are going to go see the tornado in Vox. Can

go?

Uh, okay. Yeah, sure. I'll meet you at the giant earthworm in about five

minutes. Cool. All right.

You are so good with her. How do you do that?

Well, I just talk to her like a person.

Yeah, that part. How do you do that?

You got it.

They have an IMAX theater with a huge screen. I saw the most incredible

and craters. Oh, yeah, the one about the surface of the moon. No, Rolling

Stones' Keith Richards shot up close.

I won't sleep for a week.

See, this is the kind of... This is so... That's actually a yoga pose that I

the other night.

But the thing is, I didn't have all the gel or anything to cushion me. I was

just, like, on the floor, kind of...

Welcome to the female reproductive system.

Thank you for having us.

Please proceed to the fallopian tube to the uterus, where you'll observe the

miracle of human reproduction.

I just swear she's the same lady that gave me the wrong number at the Italian

restaurant last week.

Oh, come on. Even a third -rate HMO physician knows there's no air

ducts in the fallopian tube.

During ovulation, the egg bursts from the ovary and moves through the

tube.

No wonder we get cramps every month. Look what's going on inside of us.

Check this out, you guys. Press button to activate spermatozoa. Only a direct

hit will result in fertilization.

Oh, wow. Missed that one.

That's weird because I'm usually cheering a miss.

Hey, you know what?

I want to be a mom.

What? Yeah, when we went to Space Mountain, she wanted to be an astronaut.

I'm not saying right this second. I'm just saying I think about it. Don't you

think about it? Well, I mean, we only have so many lit -up volleyballs inside

us.

There goes another one right now.

Bye -bye.

Damn.

Yeah, well, I'm going to wait for my last one to drop, because call me crazy,

am in no hurry to have breasts that look like Christmas stockings with oranges

in them.

Thank you for that.

Congratulations, Paige. You've taken the beauty of motherhood and reduced it to

a piece of fruit in a sock.

I just think I'd be a really cool mom.

It's a lot harder than it looks.

What could be so hard? I mean, you just remember everything your parents did,

and then you do the opposite.

Congratulations, fertilization has occurred.

Please exit through the cervix and refrain from flash photography.

Oh, there's the spot. You'd think people could find it easier.

Okay,

what do you think?

This one is for Saturday. Oh, I have that one.

is for Saturday evening.

You're going camping.

Camping is heating a can of dentimore over your campfire and picking ticks off

each other.

You don't have to go camping for that, do you?

Hi, honey.

Okay, what's the bad news?

My ex has to go to town and she can't look after Mia.

I don't think we're going to be able to go camping.

Oh, but I've been looking so forward to this.

I need to go camping.

I need to camp all night until I can't camp anymore.

I have an idea, but, uh... Oh, nah, that's all right.

What?

Well, I was just thinking that... Nah, going back to your kitchen.

You're good at this interrogation stuff, I can see.

Criminals crack around you. Okay, I was thinking that maybe I could watch Mia

next weekend.

You know, because I'm kind of wondering what it's like to be a parent, and this

way I get to do it without actually being one. That's sort of why I leased

car.

Well, I know Mia thinks you're cool.

Yeah, word's out on the street.

Okay, what'd you write?

I couldn't charge you. You're an officer. I'm not going to charge you.

But a couple of parking tickets were to disappear.

Today was awesome. Venice Beach is so cool.

Ellen, you've never been on rollerblades before, have you?

Yeah, I was doing just fine until that guy in the loincloth playing the

xylophone distracted me.

He was weird.

Yeah, kind of smelly, too.

on the pier is my favorite.

Really? The bomb scare was great.

Debbie Leonard is going to be so jealous.

Hey, maybe I'll tell Monica. She'll blab it all over, and that will be so cool.

Okay, and then I'll tell Joe, and he'll blab it all over to Audrey, and she'll

blab it all over to Paige, and that will be double cool.

Alan, why are you friends with Paige?

I don't get her.

You don't get her?

Well, um...

She's actually, she's really great. She's a lot of fun. You just have to

her the way I do. I mean, I've known her for a long time. I met her in camp.

So she taught me how to shave my legs. She taught me how to be less shy.

She taught me how to fake an ear infection so that I didn't have to go

skiing.

If you think I'm bad on rollerblades, you should have seen me water skiing.

You know, and it's hard to meet people because once you're an adult, there's no

milk line to get in and go, hey, what's your name? You know, it's like... You

start talking to people when you're an adult, they think you're crazy if you

hi, you know.

Plus, I have her phone number memorized, so... Hey, guess what it's time for

now? Baywatch?

For me, not for you.

So... It's a school night, so you go brush your teeth.

Okay. I'll finish this.

Okay.

Oh, I love it now.

Unpleasantness. Did you just say unpleasantness?

Yeah. Ellen, I just remembered.

I sort of have a science project due tomorrow.

Okay, I'll check it after you brush your teeth. Remember, your teeth are your

friends, and your toothbrush is a friend of your friends, so your toothpaste is

also their friends, and with the floss...

Oh, you see, I haven't started the project yet.

Oh, let's see. I've got a couple of cereal boxes. We leave that open all

I bet we could have an ant farm by the morning.

We'd watch them behind the wax paper, and they really enjoy being in there.

don't like to be free.

No, I have to do a model of DNA.

DNA?

Wow.

Couldn't you do REM instead? I have their CDs.

Build a big thing of a...

to do a science project with this dollop? Sure you can.

Sure you can.

You can, uh, here's what you do. You take this melbatos and you crumble it on

these batteries here and then you take this really cool rubber band and you

it around there and you take this lighter I got from a Grateful Dead

saw him 73 times and you take that and you rotate it around counterclockwise.

And that would roughly be demonstrating what?

Psychotic behavior.

I don't know what you can do. You can write me a note. You know, saying

in the family died or something.

Mm -hmm. Yeah, let's think about that while I eat a fortune cookie, okay?

Let's see what it says.

Oh, kid who did not have fake note written for her when she was kid will

write fake note for... kid.

Came over as soon as I could.

Brought some good stuff for the science project. I got four kinds of biscotti

and a coveted blue mountain bean. Good work, my man. The biscotti will make

excellent polypeptide bacon.

coffee beans would be good for chromosomes?

No, they'd be for a little beverage called coffee.

No, here's what we're going to do. Go sit down. Everybody sit down. Come on.

Thank you. This is me a thing, okay?

When I was a kid, my mother used to stand over my shoulder all the time and

me, ooh, ooh, no, dear, that, you know, they suck in, ooh, no, dear, don't do

that. That's not how you should do it, dear. Ooh, ooh, no, dear, don't do that.

Do it this way, dear. Ooh, no, don't touch the cat that way. So you just do

this way.

Here, here.

Oh.

Oh, you know what? Can I just?

Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm trying to... Ah, okay, okay.

That could be messy. I'm just... I don't want to say anything, but... Hey,

that's all I'm going to say. I'm not going to tell you how to do it.

Oh, that's way too much. What are you thinking? Oh, no.

What? Have you never dealt with God's tape? That is way... That's... I think

had too... Let's go.

Too much sugar in here or something like that.

Here, take this little pipe cleaner like that.

Put it there, and then you put the other end like that. See how that holds it

together, dear?

I said dear.

I have become my mom.

Next thing you know, I'll be humming to some kind of music in a supermarket and

stuffing tissue in my sleeve.

Go on, you're on your own, Mia.

I'm exhausted.

This is a lot harder than the project Buck and I did for our science fair. We

drank a whole keg of beer in half an hour.

That is so stupid.

Well, I guess we proved our theory then, didn't we?

No, no.

Oh, come on. She's been sleeping since the Scarlet O 'Hara porcelain doll went

down to 1999.

I can't wait for mine to come.

Look at us working our butts off to give Mia the very best. And where is Paige?

I'm sure she's working her butt off, too.

You have to test her rockin'. Don't come a -knockin'. Yeah, I think she's

teaching Matt a little dance they call the horizontal hula.

You guys are so immature. Why don't you just say it there?

Like there's no tomorrow.

Ellen!

What? Like you're not.

Okay, you guys.

I give you DNA.

It's wonderful.

If we don't get an A, I'm going to cry.

Debbie Leonard is going to be so jealous.

Yeah, I get called that all the time.

But what kind of problem?

Yes.

Yeah.

I'll be right down.

You okay?

What's going on? Grab your sport coat. Warren, there's a problem with it.

I felt at the urinal in the boys' room.

Look at this. Debbie Leonard has six stars and Mia only has four.

We can fix that.

Good afternoon.

I'm Mr. Kundakian.

Good afternoon, Mr.

Kundakian.

The reason I brought you down here is because, well, Mia has made what we call

pre -adolescent social transgression.

A -P -F -T.

It's not her fault. She wanted to do the project herself, and then I was going

to try to let her do it, and then she was doing it all wrong, so I insisted on

helping her, and all of a sudden, the next thing I knew, I was playing along

with some music version of Nirvana and stuffing Kleenex in my sleeve.

Take a look at this project.

Do any of them look as if they were done by a nine -year -old?

Do you think little Ryan made his own Geiger counter?

He can't even unwrap his fruit roll -up without assistance.

Mr. K., I have a question. Why exactly did you call us here, then?

Well, today in class, Mia told Lucy Davis that she wanted

to... Mikey Saltzman.

Oh, well, she'd say the darndest things, huh?

Where do you think they picked that stuff? You know who I blame? The motion

picture industry.

Well, regardless, by recess it had hit the playground and now seems to be the

phrase of choice for the entire fourth grade.

Which is exactly why I have Mia waiting outside. I'll send her in.

Oh, I need you here. No, Elle, this is a chick thing. I don't know what to say.

You just put them in a room.

Don't tell them any more than they want to know. Let them ask all the questions,

all right?

Bye.

Sure, she's cute and lovable when she's our de facto child. When things get

rough, she's my de facto child.

Hey.

Hi.

We got busted for the project, didn't we?

Oh, no. Uh -uh. No.

Um, we got busted for something that I said and you heard and then you said and

anyway, that's what he said.

Do you know what I'm saying?

Not really.

Neither do I.

Which desk is yours?

Oh, this one.

That one's Debbie's.

I'll sit in Debbie's, okay?

You've been saying something that you shouldn't.

You said it to Lucy Davis.

Oh.

Oh.

Do you know what that expression means?

Of course I know what it means.

What does it mean?

Okay, you're asking a question. I'll answer it. Okay.

It means having sex.

Do you know what that is?

Don't answer that. That was a question. Don't answer it.

Ellen, I'm nine.

I know what sex is.

It's what a man and a woman who love each other do to have a baby.

Yes, that's what it is.

Let's get some cocoa.

Wait a minute.

Paige and my dad are in a tent.

and my dad are having a baby?

No. No, they're not. They're not having a baby.

Let's see here.

I don't think I explained sex that well, so let me just... Here, let's try this.

Some people have sex to have a baby.

And then some people, a lot, a whole lot of people who love each other have sex

just to...

We went on that merry -go -round at the pier. How much fun? That was fun, wasn't

it? That was a lot of fun.

Well, that's sort of like sex. Sex is like a merry -go -round. People get on,

and you don't really go anywhere, but you're going around and around, and

going up and down sometimes. Sometimes you're on the horse that stays still,

there's other people going up and down.

You're like, how come they're going up and down?

That horse looks like it's more fun, but you're on the horse. You're still going

to the same place, but...

And then sometimes there's cotton candy involved and sometimes not. But the

thing is, when you get off, nobody hands you a baby. You just straighten

your clothes and go on home.

And get your hands stamped.

And get your hands stamped.

How about that cocoa now?

Okay.

Wow, that sounds really fun. Okay, wait a second.

The thing is, if you're lucky, it's like a merry -go -round. Sometimes it's not.

Sometimes it's more like a slide where you get on it and you think, oh, this is

going to be fun, and you get stuck because it's not slippery enough. Okay,

a second.

Sometimes it's like a seesaw. When you're on a seesaw with a really heavy

person, you're just stuck way, way up there.

And you're like, this is not as much fun as I thought it would be.

And then they get off because they're done and go flying back down.

causes a contagious disease of the skin.

It's symptoms are redness, unsightly blemishes, and painful itching.

Scratching is bad because it inflames the infected area and spreads it from

body part to another.