Original subtitles

Oh, hey, hello.

Person here. Person in law school cramming for finals. Do you mind?

Sorry, pal, but this is a place of business.

Isn't it great that I brought in this game to while away the post -holiday

slump? Oh, yeah. Much better than selling books and turning a profit.

Look, Paige, it's almost time for you to look in and see your mystery date.

Dad.

I don't know why we're playing this. I've been playing the real -life home

for the past ten years.

Yeah, well, with this version, you go home with your underwear.

Paige, looks like your trampy days are over now that you found your LAPD ream

boat. Oh, don't remind me. Matt's been undercover, and I haven't seen him for a

whole week. No phone calls, no conjugal visits, no nothing.

Oh, that's rude.

If he really cared about you, he'd plant some evidence, get it over with.

I know your pain, Paige. I pine for my sweet Ron Palillo TV4 chat.

But alas, his work keeps him in New York.

Isn't there anything else the three of you could be doing? No.

Oh, tee pants!

Matt!

Hi, honey.

Did you catch the bad guys yet?

Well, um, Ellen has this idea that maybe you should, um, plant some evidence.

It wouldn't have to be big evidence.

Paige, come on. It's your turn.

Hey, y 'all. Hey, Will. Play for me. It's mystery date.

She's not going to play that chick game, are you?

No, of course not.

Will. Okay.

She is just so persuasive.

You know I'm close. I'll keep my promises.

I'll always listen when you talk to me.

I'll always hear you.

Yeah.

Now remember, the object is to collect clothes.

When you open the door, if the guy there matches the outfit you've collected,

you win.

Sort of like Monopoly with the whole different set of rules.

I didn't recognize you with a cleaver in your head.

Oh, I'm on a break from shooting the new Friday the 13th. Oh, don't tell me what

happens to your character. I want to be surprised.

Hey, Denise.

Hey, Al. Do you mind if we use your office to rehearse for the mock trial?

What's a mock trial?

For law school, we get the elements of a case and argue it as if it were real.

Oh, like mock turtleneck, only it's a trial.

That is right.

Now...

Denise here is my main witness.

I'm afraid I'm not, Spence. I'm going to have to bail.

What? You remember when I played that decapitated head in that independent

That was you?

Yeah. You were good.

Well, they're showing it at the Sundance Film Festival and the producers asked

me to go.

You can't do this to me. I mean, the trial is 100 % of my grade. I mean,

am I going to... Hey.

If you can't do it, you can't do it.

Well, then you're not mad?

No, are you kidding me? You go and enjoy yourself.

Have a great time. Okay, bye.

What? Well, how'd you expect me to react?

Punch a wall.

Throw a table.

Scream like the infant that you are.

Just the usual.

Well, no, I'm not that guy anymore, okay? The usual got me kicked out of

medicine. I am not going to let the same thing happen to me in law school, all

right? There are so many white -collar careers I have left, and I do not want

be an accountant.

You haven't blown up once in law school. I have not. I have not. When something

bugs me, I just, I take a deep breath, and I count to ten, and I let it slide

off me like water off some damn duck's stupid back.

Okay.

I'll be your witness in the mock turtleneck trial.

You'll be my witness. That's right. Well, let me just take you back to a

time, 1969.

Lil' Spence and Lil' Ellen were playing Star Trek.

We borrowed Aunt Carol's birth control pills and used it as a Vulcan

communication device. You're not going to dredge that again, are you? We were

going to blame the whole thing on Stevie. Your mom came and asked you. You

folded like a cheap deck chair. You've got to face it, okay? You are easily

swayed in the face of pressure.

No, I'm not. Yes, you are. Okay, that's true.

I'll do it.

Sorry, Migo, it has to be a woman.

That's what the community theater said about me playing the lead in Gypsy.

They certainly sang a different tune when they saw the reviews.

looks like it's me or Mama Rose.

Excusez -moi.

Joseph isn't the only one here with acting experience.

All those who spent a summer performing in Up With People take one step forward.

Well, I am indeed a drowning man, so I might as well pick the lightest brick.

Let's do it.

Joe, play my hand. Yeah, right, like I'm going to play some chick game.

Okay, I'll play.

God, I do, don't I?

Well, knock them dead, which is something I wouldn't say if you were

doctor.

Good morning, Counselor.

Today's a big day.

I brought you a little something to help you. Oh, don't need it. It's just law

school. It's not brain surgery, which, in fact, I have done.

This contains the aroma of ylang -ylang, which is...

You betcha. I'm floating on a cloud.

do this to me, okay? We rehearsed. I had you prepped.

Here, tell them to hold the trial and I'll try to make it if I can.

Look, I'm sorry, but it's like Casablanca. If I don't go now, I'll

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of my life.

I will stay calm.

I will stay calm.

I will stay calm?

You know, Elle, you were really my first choice.

It's a shame I'm too easily swayed under pressure.

Please. Okay.

But you've got to promise that when the trial is over, you get me into one of

those mock witness protection programs.

You know the case, right? You got the note?

You're going to be swayed? No. I think you are. No, I'm not. Very good.

I'm very proud of you.

and I'm not just saying that in a desperate attempt to convince myself.

Good morning, people.

Can I tell you something?

I hate carrots.

Indeed, Professor Bass.

This is my witness. Remember, we're in a court of law.

You can address me as either Your Honor or Judge Bass.

I just quit smoking about two hours ago, and I'm still a little on edge.

Now, take these. I hate them. Where's Gunn? You need Gunn, Mr. Kovac?

I have some, Your Honor.

It's sugarless spearmint. Your favorite, I believe.

Spence.

Josh.

You know, Judge Bass, last night I re -read your brief on Berkeley versus the

Department of Water and Power.

Oh, brilliant.

Bass, kiss her.

Should have brought gum. Doesn't matter. She hates me.

Court will now resume.

Mr. Kovacs. Yes, I'd like to call my first witness to the stand.

I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but it. Yada, yada,

yada, it's the help you got.

I'm in.

Would you please state your name and occupation for the court, please?

My name is Lola Big Cups, and I'm a stripper.

Miss Big Cups.

As you stated earlier, you are a stripper.

How long have you been stripping?

Ten years.

Wow.

And is Lola Big Cups your real name?

No, it is not. It is my stage name. My real name is Mary Big Cups.

Just a little joke to lighten the mood in the room. You know, I hear the first

two and a half hours after you quit smoking are the hardest.

Will the witness please answer only the questions asked?

Mary Tuller, that's me.

Okay. And where were you on the evening of June 10th?

I was in El Monte at General Yen's Bub.

There is no such place as General Yinsbub.

Objection, Your Honor. If she claims she was at General Yinsbub, then who are we

to say she wasn't?

Josh, for the love of God, lighten up, okay? It is a mock trial.

Objection sustained.

Do you remember where you were during the evening of the crime?

Yes, I do remember.

I was at the Gentleman's Club in El Monte, yes. I was at General Yinsbub

evening.

And what were you doing between the hours of 9 and 9 .15?

I was performing on center stage, stripping, lap dancing, you name it, I'd

it off.

Did you see anything noteworthy during that evening?

Well, if by noteworthy you mean seeing someone get robbed, then yes, I did.

And can you please describe this robbery for me?

Well, let's see. I was in the middle of doing my number. I shot the sheriff. And

I looked over and I saw

a man being robbed by a humpback whale.

Hunchback male. Hunchback male.

And do you see that hunchback male here in the courtroom today?

No, sir, I don't. Okay.

No further questions, Your Honor.

If you don't mind, Ms.

Big Cups, I got a question or two for you.

Okay, but no more than two, because I'm popping out of a cake in a couple hours.

Have you ever been arrested?

Um, I don't know. I don't think so.

Really? Really? Because it says here on this police record, which I'd like to

submit as Exhibit 84 for the prosecution that you were.

Arrested for check fraud?

Uh -huh. Well, yes, maybe that's true. I was arrested for check fraud because

I'm a single mother.

And I was having to take care of my triplets, Ashley,

Naomi, and Winona.

What direction were you facing when this robbery occurred?

Well, I was in the part of the song about not shooting the deputy, so, um...

Left. That's interesting.

That is very interesting, considering that the door would have been to your

right. Hey, maybe it was, but I was looking through my legs.

Prosecution exhibits 85 to 105.

Objection, Your Honor. The defense has not even had a chance to review these

charges. Overruled. If you're overruling Spence because he didn't comment on

your briefs earlier, I think that's a mistake. I'll keep that in mind.

Continue. Now, Miss Big Cuffs, can you demonstrate for the court where you were

standing?

Okay, um...

Well, I'm a stripper, so I was, uh... See,

now, now, according to this, that's over 80 feet from the scene of the crime.

80? You must have very good eyesight.

Yes, thank you. Well, okay, but what I'm remembering also, right there, at that

point, what happened, I was...

This is the point where I'm on a platform, so I'm higher. I'm sort of,

I'm up on a platform here.

And so it's the dancing, kind of like I'm dancing.

Like that, okay? And then what I do is I oil myself up real good. And I

get to sliding, and I just start sliding and sliding until actually I end up

about 20 feet.

If I lather myself up good enough, sometimes I'll end up about ten feet

from there.

That must make you dizzy.

Well, nine shows a day, you get kind of used to it.

And you're probably, you know, drinking a little bit. I have a club soda, ginger

ale. You expect this court to believe you?

An oily, check -bouncing, booze -swilling, floozy... I'm a mother!

Excuse me? I need a signature.

Yeah? And I need an evening bag and shoes. I'll be with you when I'm with

Yes!

Bowling date, I win. What is the score?

Losers. You've won 50 times. I've won 32. Joe here has won 85 times.

I am the king of mystery date. All show worship me.

Shut up. Let's go.

Yeah, hi. I would like to order a dozen roses to be delivered to the unmarked

van in the parking lot of the El Cholo restaurant.

My name is Matt Liston, and he's an undercover cop.

Come on, stop calling about girly things. We're playing date here.

Hey, my sister had this game.

I could, uh, take her place for a couple of hands.

Fresh meat, all right. Take a chair.

Okay.

But I get to be the blonde.

Yes, I guess a disco ball could theoretically affect my vision, but,

Not that night. I mean, I think. I'm not sure. I don't remember.

I think.

I'm not sure.

I don't remember.

No further questions.

Mr. Kovac, would you care to redirect?

Yes, I would. Thank you.

Have you ever seen my client before tonight?

No, I have not, but I have seen that other attorney comes in the club all the

time, drinks vodka, barks like a dog, lousy tip.

What are you doing?

I'm helping you. You're losing if you haven't noticed. Yeah, I have noticed.

Thank you.

Objection! On what grounds?

Whispering.

Sustained.

Sustained. Sustained, Mr. Kovacs. Proceed.

Uh, was my client in the club the night of the crime? Objection. Calls for

speculation. Sustain.

Rephrase your question.

Have you ever seen my... Objection! Sustain. Whatever it is. I haven't even

asked the question. Sustain.

Counselor. This is your last warning.

Did this man commit the crime?

No. As I said, I was in... I am Lola B. Kemp, and I am a stripper!

Objection! He can't change witnesses right in the middle of the trial.

Mr. Kovac, I'm dangerously... close to declaring a mistrial and failing you.

you can't do that. You can't fail him. You can't fail him because... because...

I did it!

What?

That's right.

That's right. You heard me. I confess. I did it. But before all of you judge me,

you try walking a mile in my pasties, okay?

Yeah.

I didn't want to be a stripper.

I wanted to be a dental hygienist.

That's why that night when I was spinning around on that pole, I kept

and spinning. When I saw that man's shiny Rolex watch, I just kept spinning

until I took it. So I took it. I did it. Not his client, so he wins, okay?

So take me away to mock prison, throw away the marquee. Erica!

Erica! Sit down!

I don't know who you are, young lady, but you turned this courtroom into a

circus. If this were a real courtroom, I'd fine your attorney and cite you for

contempt. Yeah, well, if you were a real judge, you never would have... Ylang,

ylang. Okay, she's a bad witness. She's the Rosa Lopez of mock trial witnesses,

okay? But she was only trying to help. If this were a real trial, I would have

cited you for judicial misconduct because you turned this courtroom into a

circus. There are a hundred clowns of unfairness climbing out of your little

tiny car of justice denied.

Why object?

Object on this.

That's it.

Now the courtroom.

Mr. Kovac, you and your witness stay.

I'll see you in five minutes.

I didn't get swayed. Yeah.

I blew it. I lost my temper.

I don't think anybody noticed. And boy, that's good. The clowns have been

justice. Did you hear that on TV or something?

Oh, God.

Where are you going? She said she wants to see you in five minutes. No, it

doesn't. I've heard it all before.

You know, this job isn't right for you. You can't handle the pressure. Well, I'm

going to save her the trouble. I'm out of here.

you really going to wear bowling shoes with an evening gown?

Think, Ben, think.

Guys, you're not going to believe this.

When I sent Matt Flowers, it kind of sort of blew his cover.

He is picking me up in an hour.

See you suckers. I have got a real date.

I'm in for a hundred bucks. If that's not real, I don't know what is.

What? Outside.

Okay. All right, so, I want you to know that I explained everything to Professor

Bass about the original witness supposed to be at Pet Denise, and she couldn't

make it, and then I explained about Ron Polillo, and she didn't know who that

was, so I had to do the... It was at that point I decided to resume smoking.

Let me save you the trouble. You've already been to talk to the dean, and I

should be looking for a new profession. What professions I have left, I don't

know. No, let me finish.

Today you showed yourself to be an obnoxious, arrogant hothead.

Can I have some more salt for that wound? Well, that behavior, while

inappropriate for a doctor, can be molded into a marvelous asset for an

attorney. Now, I've seen you for the first time. The potential to be a damn

litigator. Hold on. You hate me.

You overruled everything I said.

You sustained an objection to whispering.

I was just trying to get a rise out of you. I mean, I know you're smart, but

semester there's been no passion, no spark.

You sit there like a lock.

Today, I finally saw some fire in you.

Suck -ups like Josh are a dime a dozen.

But you, Mr. Kovac, you've got ovaries.

Thank you very much.

I guess I'll take that in the spirit in which it was intended.

I suggest you do.

needs a poodle skirt.