All language subtitles for Ellen s03e15 Oh, Sweet Rapture

Wow.

It's 10 o 'clock and it's so calm and
pleasant in here.

Where's Audrey?

I don't know.

She's late, late, late. Isn't that
great?

In the one day I'm on time and she's a
no -show.

So you're going to give her the speech?

Oh, I don't know. It's her first
offense. I don't think she deserves the

Come on. You gave me the speech on my
first day.

It was supposed to be your second day.
You were a day late.

Audrey, what happened?

Speech, speech, speech.

My car, my sweet rosebud, broke down.

She started fine this morning, but then
we started driving, and some of her

little lights came on.

And at first I thought, ooh, how pretty.

And then I realized that those lights
must mean something.

So where's sweet rosebud now?

After she died in the middle of the
intersection, I had to sit on the curb

Ahmed came and towed us back to his
garage.

with a fishnet tank top that keeps
asking to marry him yeah i see how this

if you're a guy and you're late every
day for three years you get the speech

you're a girl and you're late once
because you had car trouble no problem

her the speech audrey uh try not to

let this happen again how do you like
being on the receiving end of that

I'll give my promises.

I'll always listen when you talk to me.

policy about giving rides to everyone I
find sitting in my car when I get in in

the morning.

So how long is Rosebud in the shop for?

Achmed said could be a week, could be a
month.

promoted from cod to salmon.

One day I was carrying a 20 pound
Alaskan sockeye when I suddenly caught

reflection in the trip tank.

It was then that I realized that pink
was my signature color.

What? Look, Dad, I don't need a car.

There is no reason why we gals can't
keep riding together just like this

single day.

Audrey, on the way to work, I happen to
swing by Cerrito's Auto Square and pick

up some car brochures.

Take a look at these beauties, huh?

You just keep giving and giving, and I
feel like I take, take, take.

But really, dear friend, I don't need a
car.

mind to it, I bet we could have you in a
car by, oh, say, the time we have to

drive to work tomorrow morning.

Well, I don't know. This isn't the way I
buy a car.

Usually, I pick out a name, and then I
go out and find a car that fits the

Like, my first car was Princess, because
it was pretty.

And then I drove Sherry, and now I'm
driving Rosebud.

Oh, that's no way to buy a car anyway.
You know, you could give it a weird

and it could get teased in the parking
lot. You know how cruel other cars can

be.

afford it. Fans, come tell her about the
low -cost leasing terms available right

now.

Well, Ellen had me work up some options
on the off chance that you'd be

purchasing a new car today, so what I've
done is work up some figures for you. I

have a little plan.

Kevin, Amelia, Charlotte, Steve.

No, I think I'm looking for a Vanessa.

Hey, Paige, Audrey's gonna buy a new
car. We're trying to figure out which

she should get.

Get a Beamer.

Okay, your problem's solved. Now it's my
turn.

Listen, I'm meeting Matt's daughter for
the first time.

Can you believe it? I can finally find a
guy I like. He has to have a kid.

Kids hate me.

Why couldn't you just have a Jeep and a
dog like everybody else in this town?

See, I wouldn't kid yourself, Paige,
because dogs don't like you either.

Okay, if you were a nine -year -old...
Wait, actually, I should be speaking to

Spence on this one.

Spence, as a nine -year -old...

Which one of these do you like? The home
depilatory kit or the health club

membership? Now, don't let me sway you,
but there are five different kinds of

tweezers in here. Boy, you don't make it
easy, do you? But, well, I'd have to go

with the health club membership because
kids that age don't get that much

exercise.

I know they're bad gifts, but I was
trying to think of what I liked when I

nine.

You know, Audrey...

You might want to think about getting
something used like I have. Joe, she's

going to drive around town in a catering
truck.

You didn't complain when I whipped you
up that Spanish omelet on the 405.

Actually, you know, you've got to think
of your car as like an accessory.

You know, take this from your wardrobe.

Or just go with something safe with good
mileage.

But I've never bought a new car.

I don't like the idea of all that
haggling and intimidation.

Hello, comrade. Why don't you just head
over to Moscow and purchase some Levi's

out of a truck, because haggling and
intimidation are the American way.

Actually, Russia's moving more towards a
free market system. I was making a

point here.

If you don't want to haggle, why don't
you just go for one of these, you know?

No haggling, you pay one set price.

Yeah, I've seen these commercials.

Rapture. It's not just a way of getting
around, it's a way of life.

One darn good car for one darn good
price.

Sounds pretty darn good to me, huh?

Pretty darn cute.

I bet they're even cuter in person.

I tell you what, I'll take you over
there myself. Because after all, it may

the last ride I get to give you.

This is the automatic door lock.

Oh, Ellen. I know. I'm sorry. I know.

It's different. Wait, hold on. These
door models never work. Okay, come on.

That's what you got. Look, don't say
anything, all right? Let me do all the

haggling. I'm a car salesman's worst
nightmare.

There is no haggling. It's one darn good
car for one darn good price. Yeah, four

to five dentists give a crap what kind
of gum you chew.

Hi, I'm Ronnie Williams.

You can forget about the hard sell, my
friend. We're just looking. Hi, Ronnie.

I'm Ellen. This is Audrey, and she's
looking for a car fast.

Great. What she means by looking for a
car fastest, what's the best she can do?

He's your worst nightmare.

Price is right there on the sticker.

Okay, well then, he's obviously not
interested in our business. Okay, thanks

very much. Thanks for stopping by.

He just wants to haggle. Isn't there
something we can haggle about?

Come on, let's go.

Hold on one second.

I'm a little parched all of a sudden.
Can you get me a soda from the machine?

They're only a dollar. A buck? See, even
their sodas are overpriced.

Oh, right. Now, look, the best I can do
for you is 75 cents.

Uh, you make it 50 and throw in some
peanut butter crackers.

Okay, but don't tell the boss.

Still there? Well, you're good.

Ellen, I don't think I'm going to find
what I want.

Oh, my gosh.

It's Vanessa.

Not quite.

Audrey Penny, welcome to the 1996
Rapture family!

What, is she like the one millionth
customer or something? No, we do that

all our customers.

Here's your Rapture activity book, your
calendar, your handbook, a list of all

the Rapture owners in America.

buy a car. She bought a family.

Oh, boy.

Is today a beautiful day or what? The
birds are singing, the palm trees are

swaying, the sky is a beautiful shade of
brown. Don't put Mr. Bluebird on your

shoulder. Maybe you're just happy
because Audrey got a car and my car

stopped making that awful noise.

What awful noise?

Audrey.

Who is she on the phone with? Jess.

Another Rapture owner?

No, mine's the misty island green with
the storm cloud gray interior and radio.

Don't tell me you got the all -weather
tires.

I told you not to tell me that!

Congratulations, Ellen. Thanks to you,
Audrey's now carpooling in the cuckoo

lane.

Talk to nice, normal people who have the
same car that she does. What's wrong

with that? Well, let's see.

Let's say I just bought a bottle of
aspirin. I do not need to call other

owners to talk about how I got the
cotton out.

It's harmless enough. And I say if
there's a company that has a philosophy

making their customers feel special,
then more power to them.

As a matter of fact, we should have more
of that around here. Hello. How are you

today?

Okay. Attention, everybody.

Well, you might want to take that in the
office. Oh, thank you.

Ellen, listen to me.

Focus. Okay, I have a little problem,
and I need your help.

The health club membership did not go
over. There is nothing I do with this

that's right. She hates me.

I have to take her to dinner on Tuesday,
and I need a restaurant that kids like.

Okay, take her to that medieval place
where you watch people joust, and if you

make the king laugh, you get garlic
bread.

Yeah, I love that place.

You get to throw your bones on the
floor, and you have to ask the queen if

can go to the bathroom.

Reminds me of home.

Okay,

what about this?

Spago, and I will have her paged at the
table for a phone call. What kid doesn't

like that?

You know, I have a hunch by her second
martini she's going to be calling you

Mama.

Quiet in here.

It's too quiet.

I miss Audrey.

Oh, that didn't mean, you thought I
meant Audrey? No, Audrey Hepburn, I

I just saw that new movie, Sabrina, and
that Julia person's good, but she

doesn't have a neck.

Ellen, I know what you mean. I kind of
miss Audrey, too. Really?

Yeah, it's kind of a drag not having her
here.

She does all the work I don't want to
do.

That would be all the work.

Yeah.

It's like a nose hair.

You hate it being there, but it hurts
when you yank it out.

See, now you should write for Hallmark.

She's just excited about her new car.
I'm sure she'll get over it pretty soon.

Hello, all.

Great news.

The February owners clobbered the
September owners. Next week, it's sedans

versus coot.

Audrey, what are you wearing?

Clothes. I know, but they're not pink.

rapture colors now.

Hey, Audrey, I know how much you were to
put up that Barbara Cartland display,

so I saved it for you. You get to fold
cardboard.

Oh, I'd love to, but I can't. Look, I
have a favor to ask.

Our group was supposed to meet at the
church basement, but the pastor needed

at the last minute for a Jazz for Jesus
rehearsal, so I volunteered the

bookstore. Would that be okay?

Yeah, I guess so.

Originally silver, but repainted blue
Honda with the cigarette burn on the

passenger side interior.

Hey, so you're one of the car owners,
huh?

Car? Yeah.

That's funny.

I've never heard it called that before.

No, that's funny because, in fact, it is
just a car.

Oh, really? And what kind of car do you
own? I have a 79 Dodge and Fastback.

Interesting. Okay, people.

We actually haven't had a chance to meet
yet. I'm the Winter Night Black with

the Bengal Tiger Tan interior.

Oh, hi. Miss the Island Green with the
Storm Pod Gray interior.

Oops, sexy.

Okay, who's going to start?

And not you, Bob Montgomery. We have
heard that emergency brake story about a

hundred times.

I've got a rapture fantasy.

I'm in England, and I'm driving my
rapture on the other side of the road.

Well, that's all.

That's all?

That is bloody.

Okay, how about we hear from our newest
Rapture owner?

Oh.

Um, you know, I used to have names for
my cars like Princess and Sherry, but

I know that there is no sweeter sound
than the name Rapture.

my coffee cup are you using your rapture
cup well are you there's a rapture cup

so i got home turned off the ignition
and i just sat there for a few minutes

because you know how you don't really
want to get out right right okay then i

fell asleep i slept like a baby i've
been sleeping there the last two weeks

i think the stefford wives have more
interesting meetings than these

people

I have an announcement to make.

I just found out that the newest of the
March 96th raptures is just coming off

the assembly line. So we are going to
get to witness the rapture at its

birth.

Grab you overnight bags and meet me at
the dealership in one hour. Meeting at

church!

Yeah, because there's no way I'm going
back to doing my work.

Audrey, you don't really want to go to
San Diego right now, not with a parent

trap playing next door.

It's the director's cut.

Ellen, I have the opportunity to see the
birthplace of my raptor.

How can I pass that up?

Audrey, we're a little worried about
you. I mean, it's fine to go to softball

games and barbecues. Cut the chase,
Ellen. Audrey, you're possessed.

happy. The clothes, the calendars, the
late night calls from Bob and Loserville

about the stupid gold rapture and the
moron beige interior.

I won't hear you talk this way about my
family.

They said you'd be jealous.

They said you'd try to come between me
and my rapture.

We're not trying to come between you and
your rapture. We just don't want to see

you worshipping some mid -sized car.

Stop calling it a car!

Have you ever taken a good look at our
Rapture?

Ronnie, isn't it?

Ronnie, you ever taken a good look at
that jacket?

So this is the 1996 Rapture.

I don't see the big deal. Looks like a
pretty ordinary car to me.

That's right.

Stand back and I'll say it again.

Three -way map light in there?

What?

You don't have one of these in your car,
do you, Audrey?

I don't.

Is it nice?

It's incredible.

Audrey, it's nice to belong to a group.
I know. I felt the same way about the

Girl Scouts.

All right, that's not exactly true. I
couldn't make a decent batch of s'mores,

and I was ridiculed and driven out in
shame. But the point is, you don't lose

them. It's easy for you to say, Ellen.
People always like you.

But I'm not stupid.

I happen to be aware that some people
find me annoying.

And these people don't. Well, then they
don't know you, because to know you is

to be annoyed by you.

And to love you anyway.

Ellen, are you really annoyed by me?

More than you'll ever know.

Oh, Ellen, I love you too.

Back off. Okay, back off. I've got a
cigarette lighter.

I'll burn the dash.

I'll burn it.

Ellen, what am I going to tell my
friends?

They're not your friends, Audrey,
because friends don't care what other

drive. Or something like that.

You're right.

Attention!

I just wanted to say that I really love
my rapture.

But I'm not going with you.

All right, everybody, on the bus. Let's
go.

I guess it's over.

I guess it's over.

You can stop doing that now.

I can stop doing that now.

Knock it off.

Knock it off.

I mean it. I mean it.

Audrey? Audrey?

Hold that box.

What did you do to this kid to make her
do this to you?

Nothing. I just...

kindly suggested that she not touch her
creme brulee before she finished her

escargot, and before I knew it, there
was gum in my hair.

I hate joint custody. That kid should
live with her mother.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to cut a
tiny piece out of it. Oh, my God.

Please be careful.

Don't worry. This is the worst thing
that's ever happened to me. I got it.

Uh -oh.

Ellen, why do I feel a draft on the back
of my neck?