Original subtitles

Look at him.

All standing there like cattle just to get some cookbook signed.

Just a cookbook, Joseph?

This is Martha Stewart, the woman who taught me everything I know about style,

taste, and class.

Oh, Audrey, I don't know if you want to tell her that.

So we've got books, we've got pens, we've got Ellen Morgan's famous cheese

cracker butter.

And we have got a very strange line.

Oh, Ellen, I was headline girl at It's a Small World in Disneyland.

Trust me, I know crowd control.

Okay, people, no flash photography, and please keep your hands and arms inside

the boat at all times.

Have you read what Ms. Stewart says you should put in your coffee?

Amaretto, cognac, heavy cream, whatever you have in a black and hot.

Huh? Martha, what about that?

Remember, do not, I repeat, do not touch Martha.

She will touch you if she so chooses.

Hi, Martha. Ellen Morgan.

So nice to meet you. What a lovely store.

Wonderful wood. This honey maple is so warm and inviting.

Yeah, she likes my wood.

I hope you don't mind. I brought a few things with me.

You made all this?

Well, yes. I always like to do something special so that these book signings are

a little bit more homey. You know, some people just have cheese and crackers.

Oh.

Who made this?

Who did this?

So, Mom, I don't have any opening titles, and I've got to fill this time.

Why don't you sing? You have such a pretty voice. I'm not going to sing.

Well... Use the time to say hi to your Aunt Helen and Aunt Audrey.

You never write to them.

Hi, Aunt Helen. Hi, Aunt Audrey.

Thanks for coming.

Hey, Peter, how are you?

Exhilarated.

The only word to describe me, maybe tossed in a little tillated in there,

Garnished flatly with fabulous and serve.

Would you like it signed?

Oh, my God.

To Peter, I see your face in every pan I use.

All my love, Martha.

his wife's going to enjoy that, huh?

Boy, what a long day. It's over.

Who made the coffee?

Here we go.

This is perhaps the best cup of coffee I have ever tasted.

Are those bourbon Santos beans?

Yeah, with just a touch of French roast.

A little more?

Yeah. I like a gal who knows her beans, Miss Stewart.

Wow. Wow.

You're amazing, really. All this living well stuff, but come on, between you and

me, when you're all alone, nobody's home, pull out some cold leftover

and stand there eating it right out of the Tupperware like the rest of us are.

Ellen, Ellen, I do heat up the spaghetti, and I put a few shavings of

cheese and maybe a few capers, and I always pour myself a glass of Cabernet

Sauvignon.

Okay, all right, but you just came from shopping and you're starving. Don't tell

me you don't reach into the back seat and pull out one of the bags and open up

box of Pop -Tarts and start eating it right there.

Actually,

I have one of those little food dehydrators that plugs into my cigarette

lighter. Do I always have a healthful snack on hand?

Okay, but it's...

Two in the morning, and there's one lonely sliver of cheesecake just sitting

the fridge. Lots of fresh raspberry sauce? A big old tub.

All right, up next, Miss Wisconsin.

Corn -fed beauty, very nice.

Judge Kovac gives her eight and a half points.

Not with those thighs.

Lay off the corn, Becky!

Well, as a former junior Miss, I can tell you...

You don't want to hear about a hundred sweaty, half -naked girls fighting for

the mirror.

Oh, God, yes.

Anyone want my mushroom?

I'll take your crust.

I want my crust. You want my crust, man?

You didn't take a bite of it, did you? I'll pull off the part I bit.

Last call, mushroom.

I'm crying out loud. Look at us.

Anyone notice that we are animals?

down having a neoclassic dinner for 12 and we are wiping our faces with our

plates what people these people see those aren't just people okay

they're martha stewart people all right she probably grew them herself all i

know is they're having a nice sit -down dinner not pizza and beer it's like

we're two cinder blocks short of a dorm when's the last time any of us did

something grown up like something our parents would do you want us to check

a detox center ha ha ha

people our age are buying houses and having children entertaining with

plates and since i'm not really prepared to give birth at this moment there's

only one thing to do dinner party so saturday night eight o 'clock

everyone's invited bring a guest And it's dressy, no flip -flops or tank

Jackets required.

Looks like someone's going to have to buy a cocktail dress, Ellen.

Jackets required was for me, Audrey.

Oh, Ellen.

I can't wait for the party. I have my sparkling dinner conversation all ready.

How do they do it?

Well,

Audrey, actually, you are... You're here.

I need you to stay late and close the bookstore for me Saturday.

Oh, but I... Believe me, I wouldn't ask if you were the only one that I could

count on for something like this. And then you can come right after you close.

But please do this for me.

Ellen, if you need me here, then here I must be.

Thank you.

You know, I'd stay and keep you company, Cinderella, but I'm going to the ball.

Oh, Ellen, everything looks breathtakingly beautiful.

Cornucopia, pumpkin terrine.

Am I sensing Martha's... Autumn bounty dinner.

formally introduced.

I'm, um, Paige's assistant.

Uh, Barrett.

Peter!

Paige, how pathetic. You brought your assistant as your date.

He is not my date. It just so happens that I am currently dating a personal

trainer, and he's on the road with Madonna.

Well, don't worry about that, because I'm sure he's saving himself for you.

Oh, and where is your date, Spencer? Haven't you inflated her yet? Oh, wow.

Well, I have one, and she's an actress. She's gorgeous, and she's crazy about

me. Well, if she's convinced you of that, she must be an actress.

Okay, everything is perfect. You know, Martha Stewart is right.

Entertaining in an atmosphere of elegance and refinement isn't hard if

organized.

Menus for entertaining.

Page 37.

If I'm not mistaken, Ellen is wearing the same autumnal ensemble that Martha

wears in the book.

Fabulous.

This place looks amazing.

All right, Martha, where's Ellen? What have you done with her?

What? What are you talking about? This is all stuff that I happen to have.

Ellen, I know everything that you have. The only thing that you own that's laced

is probably that wedding dress that your mom makes you keep in the closet just

in case.

Thank you.

Babylon 5 and I have to go back later for some pickup shots.

Sorry.

You look at you. You look great.

That's great.

Come on. That's everybody beneath.

Couldn't find anyone in this galaxy, huh?

She looks so much better than this. Denise, hey, do you have a driver's

on you?

Spence, is that your... I'm so sorry. I screamed. I'm sorry.

It's just that you look exactly like the girl that Spence used to date.

Our final guest, and then let the autumn bounty dinner begin.

Hi, Joe. Glad you could make it. Greetings to the host. We come bearing

nice of joe to invite me i was just going to stay in my hotel and carve

christmas ornaments out of those little hotel soaps look at this martha stewart

everyone martha stewart joe brought martha stewart as a guest to my dinner

can i speak to you for a second you brought martha stewart as a guest to my

dinner party yeah isn't it great and i knew since you're cooking her dinner

you'd be thrilled

I'll meet you in the kitchen, please.

I need leaves.

Okay. What for?

Because I am making Autumn Bounty Dinner, her Autumn Bounty Dinner, and

leaves on the table, and I skimped on the leaves. The whole thing is a

Ellen, relax.

I'm sure she won't even notice. This is Martha Stewart. She pays a lot of

attention to detail. I think she's going to notice if the tablecloth has leaves

and one of our guests is a Martian. Now, go!

gonna garnish the hens.

How many times have I said that?

to tell you that.

It, bald guy with a ponytail.

Only reason we call you that is because it takes too long to say bald guy with a

ponytail that everyone thinks the world of.

What's in the bag?

Cornish hens.

See, my oven broke and... You want to use my oven? Yes, I do.

Okay.

Just tell me my name.

Okay,

well, let's see.

Bill? Bill?

Will? Gil?

Let me know when I'm getting warm.

Uh, Jerry?

Um, Rumpelstiltskin?

Randy. Well, let me finish. Randy?

Oh, please, I'm desperate. Please.

Martha Stewart is in my house right now. Martha Stewart?

I love her.

Okay. Okay, um, 350 based them once in a while and let me know when they're

done, you know?

Okay, uh, thank you so much, Randy.

how you carve a radish ruse.

Here, do my radish next.

Pommes frondes, I send you for autumn leaves so you get me pommes frondes.

Ellen, we live in L .A. Those are autumn leaves.

That was a marvelous salad.

I can't wait for the main course.

Oh, look at this. Everyone is done with their salad.

coming right up, but why don't we engage in some sparkling dinner conversation?

Seedless watermelons.

How do they do it?

You know what, Denise?

You look a lot like my friend Buck the time we found him frozen up in the

fromage d 'americaine.

Of course, I don't have to tell you that, Martha.

Very unusual presentation.

One for you, one for me.

And one for you. Just pass that down for a second.

Ellen, what's going on?

Oh, a little Morgan family tradition.

Martha always says to incorporate some family tradition in your meals, so from

my family to yours, eat the cheese.

Ellen, you want to call your mom? Yeah, fine. Thank you very much.

freshen up in someone else's bathroom when you have guests, but I don't have

tell you that, Martha.

If you'll excuse me.

Randy, open up. It's Ellen. I'm here to get the hens.

I don't want to give them to you just yet.

What?

I want my picture taken with Martha.

Chicks for pics. That's my deal.

Martha, you know how in your book you say that the host should give a tour of

someone's house? Well, I have a whole building, so come on.

So, this is my building. It doesn't have a name like your house, Turkey Hill.

what we do over at Bob's Big Boy, so what do you think about Big Boy Hill?

That'd be funny, wouldn't it?

Oh, I do know somebody here. After all, we should meet him.

Randy, open up. Guess who's here.

Hi, Martha.

Hi, I know. What a coincidence.

Isn't that funny?

You know what? I just remembered my friend here is dying, and he actually

like a photo taken with you before he goes. Not that he could take it with

but you never know, so would you mind? That's fine.

My left side's my best side. Shut up.

Okay, you've been more than gracious. Thank you very much. Why don't you just

head back to the party and I'll meet you downstairs.

Has anyone ever thought to hand stencil this hallway?

No, but that is a lovely idea.

All right, Buster, I better see some hen or that ponytail's going to be hanging

from my rearview mirror. No, no!

It's supposed to be a twice -baked potato.

Isn't that right, Ellen? Twice -baked.

That's right, twice -baked.

There you go. Go ahead and start eating.

Okay,

you pass that around if you could. Thank you. Everybody go ahead and start

eating, and I'm just going to get dessert started, okay?

I think we're short three hands. Let me give you a hand. No, that's okay. Here.

so... Oh, I am. Thank you for asking, though.

Ellen!

You're pounding ice cream with your shoes. I know that.

I can't do this.

I thought I could do it, Martha. I look at your books and I see the people and

they're smiling and it looks so easy and then I answer the door and there's

aliens and Martha Stewart and the bald ponytail guy and he won't give me my

hands and the leaves are palm fronds and the tablecloth is a wedding dress.

I knew I felt it, Dipper.

I'm sorry.

All this living well stuff, I thought I could do it.

Ellen, don't even think about it.

You know, sit down, sit down.

Entertaining isn't about what you serve.

It's about who you are. And anyone who works so hard and cares so much about

pleasing guests is naturally a good hostess.

Is that not the most beautiful thing you've ever heard?

You really think so?

Yes. I've had a wonderful time tonight.

I may even incorporate the running of the hens into my next book.

Come on. You've been busy all night. You just sit down and enjoy yourself.

Oh, this is a good head.

It's delicious.

Yeah. Bravo.

It isn't good, is it?

Anyway, weren't you?

That is so sweet.

Ellen, between us, this has happened to me before.

I know what to do.

Would you let me take care of dinner?

Oh, no, no, I couldn't.

I know something that would be just right.

Well, if you insist.

How about two large pizzas with sun -dried tomatoes and goat cheese and

You know, sometimes a casual evening of pizza and beer is just the right thing.

But, heck, I don't have to tell you that, Ellen.

So, Martha, this didn't turn out to be such a bad evening after all.

Anybody want my sun -dried tomatoes?

I'll take your goat cheese. I want my goat cheese. Who wants my crust?

I do.

I'm good.