Original subtitles

Scalpel. Scalpel.

Other scalpel. Other scalpel.

You're doing good.

Scooper thing. Scooper thing.

All right.

You may experience a slight burning sensation.

All right, I've done all I can do. Someone close for me.

Am I crazy or does that look a little like Mariah Carey?

You're crazy.

All right, I think it looks great. Let's put it on the window for the whole

world to see.

I've lost my first patient.

Thank goodness I bought three more.

Scalpel. Scalpel.

Don't give me that attitude.

You are now seeing the opening title.

You will tell your friends how great they were tomorrow at the water cooler.

Oh, and whenever you see the word Ellen, you will cluck like a chicken.

Are you clucking?

a catchy tune.

I wasn't that crazy about it at 5 a .m., but it's starting to grow on me now.

Oh, look at this. Another beautiful day.

What is it with L .A. and the sun? It's always sunny.

It's always nice. It's fall. It should be cold and rainy.

The sun mocks me.

Well, don't take it personally. The sun mocks everybody.

Look at me. I'm up here. I'm the sun.

That's the sun for you. Thinks the world revolves around it.

You know, I'm guessing beneath that cheery facade, you're just not quite

yourself.

What's the matter?

You want to know what's the matter? Mm -hmm. All right.

This.

The warranty for your clock radio?

You sure this is all that's upsetting you?

Maybe not something more like a bigger appliance?

No, you don't see, Ellen. Look at this. Look at the questions they ask. Right

there. Okay?

Address. What's that about? Okay? What am I supposed to put?

Your address.

Your address. Okay.

Occupation. Well, I tried to write sitting on my butt, but it wouldn't fit.

Well, you can try writing really small. Look right here. Yeah, income.

I guess all my buddies from med school are checking the $100 ,000 plus

Me, roughly zero.

There you go.

For marital status, no income, no occupation.

Surprise, single.

Spence, I think you're being a little hard on yourself.

You're just in a slump.

And look at the bright side. You're covered for both parts and labor.

You don't get it, Ellen.

I'm out here in L .A. I've got no direction.

I've got nothing to do. I've got nowhere to go.

This is my fault. I go to work every day, and I leave you alone, and you get

lonely. You know, you need some exercise. I should take you on walks.

Maybe get another little cousin for you to play with.

I have to ask my landlord if I can have two cousins, but... Come on. Come to the

bookstore with me. It'll be fun. We have games.

You're right.

I gotta shake this off.

I'm not that guy.

I'm gonna go with you. I'm gonna have a biscotti. I'm gonna talk to people. I'm

gonna be human again. All right. Yeah.

Vance. Yeah.

You're absolutely right. I cannot go out like this. I must put on shoes.

Damn.

Used to have a steady hand. Used to be able to extract a funny bone in my

Hey, little buddy. Care for a refill?

No, thanks, Skipper. I'm good.

Boy, you sure have captured the spirit of Halloween in Los Angeles.

Well, I just bought you the Woolworth. Yeah, Leonardo da Vinci just painted the

Mona Lisa.

So, are you reading The Shining for our next book club?

No. Is that okay?

Sure it is. It's a book club. It's for fun. There's no pressure.

Okay, I see what you're doing.

I'm sorry.

I'll go get on that book right now, okay?

Oh, wishbone.

See, you know, I hate this game.

I'm only jealous.

All right, clear.

Clear.

Clear.

Clear.

Don't do that thing when the patient's heart stops, you know?

Ellen, I know, all right? They don't use spoons.

Well, sure, nowadays, no.

But you know what they do? you spoons for?

I'm Mr.

Spoonleg. My name is Mr.

Spoonleg. I can dance like Spoonlegs. I'm a Spoonleg dancer, yeah.

I'm Mr. Spoonleg.

Ellen, Ellen, Spoonlegs are two spoons we desperately need.

Oh, it's always the arts that are the first to go.

Hi, Ellen. What's the buzz?

There's no buzz, Audrey. I'm just trying to cheer up with Ben. He's been a

little down.

Ellen, take a tip from a licensed aromatherapist. The only cure...

the scent of a banana.

Banana.

Sure, that's why there's so few monkey suicides.

Exactly.

Boy,

I sure could use someone to help me put up these Halloween decorations.

I'll help you, Ellen.

No, someone strong, you know, to help put up these heavy decorations.

Spence?

The hotter coffee, the more caffeine, the better.

All right, listen, people.

I've got to read these scripts and make notes on them in four days so nobody

talk to me and nobody bug me.

I'm turning off my cell phone.

Why'd you even bring your cell phone if you're just going to turn it off?

Just asking, Chuckles. But are you trying to make yourself as unappealing

possible?

Oh, look at all these scripts, Fence. There's got to be a comedy in here

That would be fun for you to read? Like, Crack Whore 2.

Well, if it's half as funny as Crack Whore 1.

Everything stinks.

Take a look at this little prize. It's about a terrorist who threatens to blow

up the Hollywood sign. Who cares? Blow it up. It's just a sign.

Don't blow up the Hollywood sign. I love the Hollywood sign. On a clear day, you

can see Ned Beatty on a Stairmaster.

We should go sometime.

Oh, good. They don't take care of one hour.

Now I just have to find something to do to fill the thousands and thousands of

hours I have left.

Nothing I do will cheer him up.

Have you tried spoon legs?

Nothing.

Wow.

Excuse me, mister.

What are the scary Halloween stories?

Oh, I'm sorry, I don't work here.

But if you'd like, I could tell you a really, really, really scary story.

Would you like that?

Come here. Okay.

Once upon a time, there was this little boy who wanted more than anything in the

world to become a doctor.

So he studied, right? And he worked really, really hard until one day, just

his dream was within grasp, it was gone.

And he had no plan, nothing, nowhere to go.

And every morning when he looked in the mirror, he saw this.

The stubbly face of a 32 -year -old nothing.

$82 ,000 in debt.

The empty, dried -out husk of a man he used to be.

Hell it again.

Look at you helping customers, huh?

I just remembered I could really use some part -time help around here. You

to help with the customers, the inventory. Hey, that's an idea. A stock

could carry stuff and put away boxes.

I was a doctor!

Well, you can work doctor's hour.

Joe,

sorry I'm late.

Hi, Ellen.

Audrey,

what are you doing?

You are a friend in need, and I am a friend indeed.

Oh, no, you thought I actually needed help. No, I just said that for spending

benefit. Ellen, you don't have to thank me. Oh, I brought in some donuts.

They're gluten -free, so you can eat as many as you want.

can't work here.

She's too pert, she's too perky, and worst of all, she cut out the Ziggy

because it reminded me of you, Joe.

You've got to fire her. I don't have to fire her. I never hired her. Oh, Ellen,

I can take lunch whenever you want me to.

I don't have a low blood sugar problem like some people.

You don't work here.

What? Audrey, as much as I would love to have someone here like you to work

here, I mean, I would love that because you're so, you're, well, you know what

you are. But I can't. I mean, I can't take you away from your aromatherapy

I mean, there are people who need you, people who need smells, smells only you

can provide.

Should have thought of that before you hired her.

I never hired her.

Ellen! Is it okay if I take my break at three?

Break whenever you want. Break all day long. You don't work here.

Apparently it's my fault she lost her old job.

What happened?

Well, she mixed the scents of buttermilk and lemon together. Long story short,

Lindsay Wagner ends up smelling like old cheese. Audrey loses her job.

How is that your fault? That's the part that's confusing me, too.

Very scary, sorry.

So what am I going to do?

Ellen, I know a lot of times I tell you that I'm busy and I'm really just not

interested in what you're saying.

This time, I'm busy.

Listen, I have got to finish these scripts by tomorrow or I'm screwed.

Wow, these are honest -to -goodness scripts. That is so exciting.

Yeah, I'm all a quiver.

Oh, God, I really am. Joe, make my next pot decaf.

coffee blend.

Vanilla, peanuts.

You get the serenity of vanilla with the playfulness of peanuts.

Why don't you take the serenity of leave me alone and mix it with the

playfulness of get the hell out of here.

Watch out, I do believe you have a crush on me.

Can't someone just hate without it being interpreted as something else?

Peter's coming in ten minutes. I've got to count the remainders and box them up.

When did this call come? And why are you answering my phone?

Well, I would have told you earlier, but then there was all the Halloween

hubbub.

Now, this one about the talking dog, I think it'd make an interesting vehicle

for Woody Harrelson.

I was thinking the very same thing.

tonight because i have to uh i have to fire her and i'm not really good at this

sort of thing so i was hoping i could use you to help me practice on what to

why'd you hire her if you're just gonna fire her a couple days later i

didn't hire her okay now i'm gonna be me because uh well i have more experience

being me and you'll be audrey and uh she sounds like this hi ellen i'm gonna use

my own voice ellen all right How's this sound?

Audrey, you're a good friend and an excellent neighbor and a really good

driver. So this is really hard for me to say.

But as much as I appreciate your help, I don't need it. I know what you're doing

here. Now, are you Audrey or you? You think I'm an idiot, okay? Well, you can

save your dime store psychology, all right? Okay, you're you. All right, you

think that if I role play, I'll work through my problems and everything will

all right.

Spence, this isn't about you. Yeah, you wouldn't say that if it wasn't about me.

You know, I hate to say this, but I'm getting sick and tired of you being...

Hey, trick -or -treaters! Oh, look, there's Batman.

That's scary.

And, uh, Power Ranger. That's scary, too. And who are you? I'm Johnny

Wow.

Well, that's extra scary. Okay.

Oh, yeah, well, you're happy and helpful.

Yeah, well, I'm trying to cheer you up. And not cheering up when someone's

trying to cheer you up is just, it's rude.

Really?

Is it against the law not to smile in L .A.? Because in New York, 8 million

people go through the entire day without smiling.

Nobody thinks it's rude. Yeah, well, 8 million people aren't moping around on

couch. Hi.

Oh, Batman again. Hi.

Pocahontas, how are you? And no mask, always a treat. Thanks for the work.

but I have to say one more thing.

Oh, my God, you ate all the candy.

That's not it. There's another thing in addition to that.

Oh, you're like little baby birds.

Just one second, all right? I'll be right back. Get you some food.

So you're a doctor, huh?

I'm George Clooney.

George Clooney is not a doctor. He's an actor!

I'm sorry. My man, I'm sorry.

I don't mean to project my whole thing. Listen, very nice scrubs.

Hi, look what I found for you. Slim fast.

Yummy, yummy.

Slim fast for you and a slim fast for you.

Have one with lunch and a sensible dinner, okay?

Bye -bye.

Where was I? One more thing. One more thing. You're a crybaby.

I'm a crybaby. Yeah, wah, wah, wah. I'm not going to be a doctor. Wah, wah, wah.

I don't know what to do with my life. Well, guess what? A lot of... people

know what to do with their life. There are more people who don't know what to

with their life than know what to do with their life. So... So wah, wah, wah!

I don't have to take this, right? I'm gone. No, I'm gone. I'm gone. I'm gone.

I never get to go. For once in my life, I'm going.

But you're wondering how I found you here, huh?

Well, it's a very interesting story, actually.

I called Paige, and she actually called me back.

And she said, you know what? I think that Ellen may be up here.

Okay, not interesting.

You storming out was very good.

Thanks. Yeah.

You should storm out more often.

No, I'm not very good at it. As soon as I left, I thought, do I have my keys?

Should I have taken a jacket?

You know, I'm sorry about the way I acted.

And if you want to cheer me up, go on ahead.

No, I'm sick of trying to cheer you up. If you want to be depressed, go ahead

and be depressed.

I'm not going to sit there and watch it. I'm just going to stay here in the O.

You can't just stay here in the O. Why not? It's comfortable. There's a great

view. I mean, if I need a change of pace, I'll vacation in the D.

Ellen, you don't have to stay here in the O, okay?

I'm done being depressed.

You are? Yeah. Just like that?

Yeah. You helped me.

I did? Yeah.

Oh, well, sometimes it takes a little while for spoon legs to work.

No, that was just insane.

Well, was it the wah -wah -wah?

I'm afraid not. See, I made the nicest, most easygoing person in the world lose

it, and I did that.

So, I mean, it was, you know, it was a wake -up call.

So every time you get in a funk, I have to run out the door?

No, no. I mean, I'm over it. I'm good. I just need a plan.

Well? I think if we put our heads together... I got one.

Already? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm a doer, Ellen. I'm not a thinker. I'm action, you know? I mean,

thinking is for that guy over there in a W.

So what's your plan?

Law school.

Law school?

Yeah. You want to be a lawyer? Of course not. Nobody does.

I was just thinking about law school, you know, to defer paying off my student

loans and to buy me some time until I figure out what I really want to do.

I figured I was already a doctor. Might as well try lawyer.

Well, and there's always Indian chief.

Maybe.

I'm sorry I ate all your candy.

But... Wax bottle?

I love these things.

Yeah.

Aren't they?

Look. Wow, Ned Beatty.

Hi, boss.

Sorry I'm late, but I knew the trivia question on Regis and Kathy Lee, so I

to stick around in case they pulled my postcard.

Audrey, I fired you last night.

Oh, Ellen, we all say things we don't mean in the heat of the moment.

She's like some creature from a horror film that just won't die.

Excuse me, Joe, while I read between the lines.

I want Audrey.

As much as I really appreciate everything that you're doing, I just,

a way, sort of, you're fired.

Okay, then.

You're not upset.

Ellen, it takes a lot more than being fired. by my best friend and having no

to upset me.

Hello, Audrey. Is the book I ordered in yet?

Yes, Mrs. Rogers.

Hi. Hi.

It's a gift from my son.

You know, he has one leg that's a quarter of an inch shorter than the

I took the liberty of wrapping it. I hope that's okay.

It's lovely. Thank you, Audrey.

Oh, and based on what we talked about yesterday, I threw in a couple of other

books and cards that I thought you might like. Oh, good.

I'll take all of these.

holidays are coming up and I could probably use some part -time help.