Original subtitles

Excuse me.

Excuse me, please.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Can I get your attention?

Okay, I'd like to thank everyone for being so supportive during the

of By the Book. It sure hasn't been easy. You're here.

So to all my old friends, welcome back, and to all you new faces in the crowd.

Remember, we prosecute shoplifters to the full extent of the law.

You've all been very patient about this whole no opening title thing, and I've

been trying to explain it to you, but I'm not really that good at the

stuff, so here's one of our executive producers, Vic Kaplan, to clear it up

and for all. Vic.

They're not ready.

Thanks, Vic.

Now we have the answers.

Matt, how about a refill? You know I'm good for it. No can do.

According to TRW, you still owe $82 ,253 for med school.

You checked my credit report.

It's okay, Joe. I'll vouch for him. Oh, big talk for somebody whose check is

taped to the cash register at Target.

Well, that check never actually bounced.

You ever think it could possibly be there as an example of good penmanship?

Hi.

Hi.

Spence, my book group's about to start. You want to sit in? No, Elle, you know

me. I'm not real good with groups.

Well, then don't think of it as a group. Think of it as five individuals sitting

around in a group.

Otto? Which is what I call that area over there is the grotto.

So if you change your mind, we'll be over there in the book grotto.

Hey, Will. Hi.

Well, look at you. I mean it. Look at you.

Look at you.

Well, look at you. Well, why would anyone want to look at me when they can

at you?

Rogers would have loved what you've done here.

You know, he'll have been dead 16 years this February.

The poor man was leaning over the rail of Hoover Dam when he lost his footing.

He looked like a rag doll going down a laundry chute.

Well, you can sit anywhere.

That's my seat. Sorry.

Everything is so different.

We don't have our old comfy chairs.

Change with the times, Kenny.

We have new comfy chairs.

Everything here is new.

Oh, like floating on a cloud.

Everything is new, but I want you to think of it as the old bookstore. Just

yourself at home.

Now, someone refresh my memory.

We didn't put our feet on the coffee table in the old bookstore, did we?

So, Rungy, thank you.

Okay. Actually, I'm expecting someone new to join the group today, but she's

here, so let's just get started.

Joe, Joe, check it out. Three o 'clock. My three o 'clock or your three o

'clock? Look at the door.

Excuse me, am I in the right bookstore?

Well, you are if you are... Karen Lewis.

Karin.

What?

Karin. You know, like Karin Carpenter.

Anyway, sorry I'm late. I had car trouble.

Don't you mean care trouble?

A little joke? Why don't you sit down and we'll start.

All right.

Well, most of us read Oliver Twist when we were in school. What was it like to

read it now?

Well, the last time I read it was in 1962.

I remember because that was the year my Mr. Rogers had his... I like how all

the bad guys... with these dirty losers and not slick businessmen like in them

Dad Bird Die Hard movies.

I think Bruce Willis is too small.

Well, I just felt so sorry for Oliver when he was at the orphanage. Thank God

for Fabian.

Fagin. I think he means Fagin. Kudos to Dickens for creating a villain you love

to hate.

No, I thought compared to Mr.

Bumble and that annoying Nancy, Fabian was an all right guy.

Fagin.

Think about it. It was Fabian who took him in. Fabian who taught him to steal.

Fabian. Fagin.

Sorry to interrupt. The man's name was Fagin.

Fabian was a 50s rock star.

Fagin personified the vilification of innocence during England's Industrial

Revolution. He was not an all right guy.

Yeah, everybody, I'd like you to meet my cousin Spence.

Well, I thought Fagin was funny.

Really? Yeah. In fact, this book reminded me of a musical I once saw.

What was the name of that?

Oliver.

Actually, the musical is based on this book.

Think about it. Oliver Twist, Oliver.

Same story?

Uh -uh, no, I don't think so. No, there's no singing in the book.

Hello? Am I alone here? Okay, but she's unbelievably stupid.

That is so clever, like I've never heard that one before.

All righty, then. Why don't we discuss what it might have been like to live in

Victorian England? Mrs. Rogers?

Muddy, smelly, fleas everywhere, maddened air, open sores. Okay, okay.

Anybody else? Oh, I always thought it'd be wonderful to go to Victorian England.

You can't go to Victorian England. Yes, I can, actually, because I have two

weeks vacation coming up.

You can't go to Victorian England. You can't go back in time.

Now, Spence is right, and then Koran is right as well.

time literally, we can go back in time through literature.

Well, listen to you.

One more thing. Where the heck were these kids' parents?

Okay, hold it. That's enough. You have no idea what this book's about.

Oh, please. Whoever knows what a book is about. I do.

I know what every book is about because I... Because you're a school teacher. We

heard it. We heard it.

New people, new chairs.

A recipe for disaster.

Oh, stay out of this, Kenny. We're having a heated discussion. You don't

the chops for it. Leave Kenny alone!

Okay, let's take a time out, everybody.

Be quiet, Ellen. Excuse me, you don't tell Ellen to be quiet. Maybe you should

be quiet.

You make me, bumpkin boy. Who do you call a bumpkin boy? Annie!

Annie! That was the name of the musical in New York.

That's it, that's it. Thick and throat Annie. I need...

really sorry about last night. You know me. I get passionate when I talk about

the classics.

Oh, that's all right. We will break eggs together and all will be forgiven. Want

one? Yeah.

Hi. Hi, look.

Cantina's here.

Would you like an egg? Spence Cantina? Anybody else want it? Rungy? Miss

Actually, I can't wait to start reading The Bridges of Madison County. It's so

exciting because it fits perfectly on the handlebars of my exercycle.

Thanks, Ben.

I had a great time.

You bet.

You slept with her.

I know.

said she was an idiot.

Indeed.

Well? Ellen, I don't do this very often, but when opportunity knocks, I answer

the door naked.

Well, next time, answer the door naked at her place. Don't worry, there's not

going to be a next time.

Did you tell her that?

Uh, not in so many words, no.

How many words? None.

But, you know, it was definitely implied.

Implied. Yeah.

Do you know what that poor woman is doing right now?

She is driving home all dreamy, radio blaring after the lovin', and then she's

gonna go home, she's gonna run in the house and wait for the phone to ring,

friends will call her and ask her to go out for chili fries, but she won't go

because she's waiting and waiting and waiting, eating pears out of a can for

that call that'll never come.

Some women do that.

I am not going to call her out of pity, okay? You know, and just pretend I care.

That wouldn't be right. It would take all the romance out of it.

Won't it be a little completely awkward when you see her at the book group?

I don't know. I don't think so. If it is, I'll just, you know, I'll act very

casual about it. I'll say, you know, how you doing?

How's it going?

Things get weird, I'll just, I'll avoid her eye contact. You know, maybe say,

you know, well, it looks like you lost some weight.

You know?

And I've been real busy.

I've had dentist appointments and working out.

And, you know, excuse myself.

Just walk away. Well, no. I'll just, you know, I'll tell her that I have to go

to the restroom.

And that will not be a lie because, you know, I can always make myself go.

I think you should call her.

Look, I don't want to make her think that there's something more, okay?

I don't want that on my conscience.

I mean, I feel bad enough telling her that I loved her all night.

Hey,

Joe. Hey, Adam.

What do you got there?

Oh, just a little housewarming gift from your resident Life magazine

photographer.

Moi.

Don't say moi.

Joe, I think I've come up with something that's really going to speak to your

customers.

A cockroach floating in coffee?

It symbolizes the industrialization of mankind.

The irony being that mankind is drowning in the very brew that keeps it going.

Adam, I sell coffee.

So, what are you saying? People don't want to drink coffee and look at a

of a dead insect in it?

Just a theory.

Hey, mankind drowning in the very brew that keeps it going.

Didn't like it above my bed, don't like it here.

Could you give me a picture without an insect floating in it? Sorry, Senator

Helms. I don't work that way.

Ciao.

Don't say ciao.

Ellen!

Coral, hi.

How's it going?

How you doing?

Fine. You look like you lost weight.

Unfolded paper just taking up space.

Listen, I need to find a really romantic card for a very special guy. Okay. Oh,

well, here's one right here. Hey, guy, what's up?

And look at this one. You're five.

Missing you. That's not good.

Here's one with a little orangutan on the front. You know, it's spelled

orangutan, but people say orangutan. I don't know why, but you look at

orangutan. Anyway, and you open it up, and it says, you're bananas.

It's romantic, but not overly so.

Oh, he's very busy. Very busy. You know, going to the dentist, working out,

blah, blah, blah. Excuse me, I have to use the restroom.

Ellen, Ellen, I want to buy this car. It's okay. It's free. Take it.

How you doing?

We are such a bastard.

I didn't lie to her. I just wasn't completely truthful.

And there is a big difference.

Then a vomition.

Please stop saying that.

I know. I wimped out. I am a big jerk.

No, you are not a jerk.

Fence is a jerk. You're just a surrogate jerk.

I'm thinking, I think that there should be some sort of rule book for men and

women. There are rules, but they're conflicting.

I .e., men are supposed to walk on the inside to protect women from getting hit

by garbage thrown out of windows, and men are supposed to walk on the outside

women don't get splashed by cars.

Well, I'll say something here. If you're getting hit by garbage and splashed by

cars, whatever side the man is walking on is not your biggest problem.

You know what? Women have been oppressed by men forever.

It is time that we take our rightful place in society and demand the respect

deserve.

Cute.

We just have to face it. Men and women are two different animals.

Men aggress...

a man who'd call the next morning?

Definitely, definitely. You know who wouldn't call?

Frank Sinatra.

I was thinking of someone a little younger.

Frank Sinatra Jr.

No, no.

Harvey Keitel. No, he wouldn't call at all. No way. No, told you.

Okay, okay, out of these two, who would call?

Thomas Jefferson or Abraham Lincoln?

That's an interesting one. Okay.

Well, now, he wouldn't call from Schindler's List, but he would call from

Show.

Although I think by the end of Schindler's List, he learned something.

If he was fat enough, you wouldn't have wanted him to call.

But I'll tell you who is going to call.

Me. I am going to call Cola.

going to call you he's not going to call you so you just get on with your life

and it is not your fault he said you were great i mean not that he said

everything he didn't say anything about you sleeping with him it's just that i

knew you slept with him because remember i was in the kitchen and i had eggs and

all anyway so okay so i'll see you wednesday hi it's ellen

Rusty Fisher, I had a crush on him when I was in the fifth grade. He told me to

wait for him by the monkey bars, and he never showed up.

Now, Rusty Fisher, it is payback time.

Hope he still lives in the same place.

Go me.

Go me.

You know, every week we sit here and don't talk to each other until Ellen

arrives. So, vis -a -vis that, I've drawn up a little topic that I think

spark some interesting debate.

Okay. What's your favorite color?

Mine is turquoise.

Okay. No one?

Favorite day of the week?

Thursday.

Okay. This is a good one.

Who has ever witnessed a murder?

Okay. Come on, Spence. Time for the group to start. Remember, no yelling, no

fighting. No bringing anyone home and sleeping with them.

Gotcha.

Okay, everybody, let's get started.

Karen isn't here yet.

Karen. Karen.

Anyway, let's go.

So, The Bridges of Madison County is a story about a lonely housewife named

Francesca who has a brief affair with a photographer, and then when her family

returns, she has to decide between love and loyalty.

Stop it, Ellen.

You're going to make me cry again?

I identified with Francesca because I've always tried to lose that last 20

pounds, too.

I identified with Clint Eastwood.

He's like me.

Tough on the outside and really scared on the inside.

I have a feeling he's lactose intolerant, too.

We're talking about the book.

Oh. Never mind.

Spenth, it looks like you have something to say, and I'm sure you can say it in

a calm and respectful manner.

This book is the same kind of sentimental crap that makes people love

Clooney, okay?

It stinks.

It bites.

It's caca.

Okay, my fault. I didn't say mature.

Will? Well, I thought I'd kind of like to hear your opinion. You know, just see

if it matches mine.

All right.

I didn't want to like it, but it sucked me in. One of those guilty pleasures,

sort of like watching cops, but there was no one naked on crack trying to rob

liquor store.

Well, it is like she has read my mind.

Oh, hey, Crayon, we had to get started.

Why did you leave that stupid message on my machine about me and Spence sleeping

together? Well, what message? My husband heard it. Hold on, you're married.

would have slept with a married woman, okay? I've got morals here.

Corinne, if you're married, why would you sleep with Spence?

Because it is forbidden.

It's passionate and exciting, and by God, it sells books.

Why does it matter? You had fun, didn't you? We laughed, we danced in the

kitchen, we made love in the hall.

Boy, I'm a sound sleeper.

Who thinks Curran should leave a husband for Spence? Oh, no, stop the bombing.

No, no, you use me.

Wait, if Curran is Meryl Streep and Spence is Kincaid, well, who's Ellen?

Ellen is the annoying townspeople.

If Ellen had been in the story, there wouldn't have been a romance at all.

Who's glad Ellen wasn't in the story? Oh.

Who thinks Ellen should have minded her own business?

saying, I just want you to understand that I felt like if I would have called

her again, I definitely would have been leading her on.

Okay, so we agree to disagree on the calling thing, but next time you have a

woman over for the night, at least you have to make her breakfast.

What if I just take her out for breakfast? Is that acceptable?

Yeah, but don't go to McDonald's or anything. I mean, as much as we all love

McMuffin, to stand in line for one after sex is a slap in the face.

I mean, you have to at least sit down and be served.

And that's not leading her on?

No. But be careful of IHOP's Rudy Tutti Fresh and Fruity.

That just screams commitment.

But I would recommend the Denny's Grand Slam because it quietly says, I respect

you.

You know, all this dating talk has made me really crave waffles. Did that say

anything? That says you're buying. All right. A Rusty Fisher call.

Really? Yeah, said something about monkey bars.

And that Ted Kirk said that he was sorry he didn't say hi at the lockers. And

Gordon Cosgrove is sorry he threw that spitball in your hair.

No word on Johnny Suckaloo?

Hi, I'm Ellen.

If you like the bridges of Madison County...

and would like to learn more about it and tonight's episode, we recommend that

you go to your nearest bookstore and pick up a copy of this.

And if you'd like to learn more about starting a book club in your

we recommend that you go pick up a copy of this.

And if you'd like to learn more about breakfast foods, we urge that you buy

this.

Read. Learn more about it.

But don't stop watching television.

That'd be a big mistake.