Original subtitles

Can we just buy something and get out of here? This place gives me the creeps.

This is so relaxing.

I wonder if I could get one of these that plays Pearl Jam.

I can't believe my sister is doing this to me. I don't know anything about

throwing a baby shower.

Paige, I know you. You are a woman, and all women, no matter how empty and

bitter, deep in their hearts, love baby showers.

Excuse me.

Can I get these in black and in a seven and a half?

It's so typical. You know, my sister couldn't just have one baby. No, the

goddess of fertility had to have twins.

You know why? Because Heather is perfect. Her life is perfect. Her nails

perfect. She even picked two perfect names for her perfect baby girl, Madison

and Montana.

Oh, light is so slow at that intersection.

for you, Ellen.

Why this time, Audrey?

I have little hips, but you, Ellen, have childbearing hips.

Why, I bet a baby would just shoot right out of you.

Well, I'll have to be careful then. I could put somebody's eye out.

Yeah, he just looks kind of cute. What do you think about this for a little

Miami and Montreal?

Madison and Montana.

It's kind of sweet.

Oh, yes, it is, Paige.

A sweet little choking accident just waiting to happen.

Did you see these little buttons?

I think we should all stick to gifts that are no smaller than our fists.

Uh... This is Captain Morgan speaking from the flight deck.

If you look to the rear of the cabin, you'll see a sour -looking woman because

her sister just had twins.

Little, uh... Memphis and Mississippi.

Madison and Montana. And it's not as if I don't love my nieces, okay? It's my

sister I can't take.

She is so into all this baby stuff.

She even videotaped the birth.

Can you believe that?

Look at this. This is adorable.

This would be great for little Manhattan and clam chowder, huh?

You know, sports car like that, driving around, put some big old wheels on it,

pumping the... Hey, Mr.

Lowrider.

You know what?

This is bigger than my fist. I'm just going to get this.

Uh -uh, Paige.

Did you see the cross?

No snaps.

Babies need snaps for easy access.

Paige, that's the same thing you look for in an outfit.

That's very nice.

Come on, lighten up. The shower... right up your alley. Look at it. It's like a

cocktail party where the guest of honor spits up.

Great. My mom's 50th birthday all over again.

Okay. I've got the non -toxic, non -flammable, cruelty -free Layette set.

You know, I'm just going to get a gift certificate because Miss Perfect won't

like anything I pick anyway.

Miss, how much is this bubble machine?

It's... Twenty -six dollars.

And it's a breast pump.

I knew that.

I have a couple at home. I just, uh... Just for the heck of it, in case I'm

thirsty later. I don't... I mean, I don't... Step away from the crowd. Back

away. Go back to your homes. There's nothing more to see.

Okay. No opening sequence again, and I am furious.

I found the guy responsible, and I had him fired.

Well, I sent him home. Early.

Because he was sick. And I gave him a ride.

And I made him soup.

But after I did that, everybody was like, ooh, we better get those titles

So, next week.

I don't want to have to do that again.

I don't want it. I don't want it. Oh, come on.

Ellen, look at all these options you're getting. You've got your HBO, Discovery,

Disney for the kid in you.

lifetime for the insomniac in you?

I'm not watching. We didn't pay for that cable, and I'm not watching something

we didn't pay for. You can watch.

I'm going to sit here and look at my shoes, my nice new shoes, shoes that I

for, shoes I didn't tap into somebody's closet and get illegally.

Hold it.

Hold it.

Don't change that. What?

It's a rerun of 30 -something. I know. I never saw that. That's an early

episode. See? Hope's still driving that Volvo.

Listen, you know, I know how morally opposed you are to this whole cable

but the thing is, if you tape these episodes right, you can keep them all,

can have the whole whiny something collection.

Get ready for this. You're gonna die when you see what I brought.

You ever notice that you never knock?

Ever notice that you always say that every time I walk in? No, there's a

connection.

You know what? Whatever you're watching, this is better.

Oh. Oh, I saw this one. This is the one where Hope puts Janie in daycare and

then has a huge fight with Michael about going back to work. It's kind of slow,

but... God, is he good looking.

That's not his nose.

Really? Yeah. How can you tell? Same way I can tell on you. The skin is slightly

tighter around the bridge. No, no, no.

I did not have a nose job. Really? Would you please tell Dr.

Jekyll here that I did not have a nose job? I'm not saying it's not a good one.

It's not a great one. You know what? Listen.

You are really starting to get... Really? You know what?

Janey's crying and you're bickering. I don't know what the heck Hope just said.

All right. Well, you can watch it later.

Remember when I told you that Miss Perfect videotaped her birth?

She gave it to me.

I can't believe she lent it out.

I mean, she still ticked about the time that I borrowed her Krithi doll and

broke the hair.

I've never seen a baby being born. I mean, I've seen kittens and I saw that

in that Billy Crystal movie, but I've never seen a baby being born.

Oh, God, that's got to be the most beautiful, natural... Oh, what in God's

is that?

Ew!

The head's crowning.

That's a big head.

She's going to need an episiotomy.

No, no, no, no, no, no. And survey says... Yes!

Episiotomy.

Hey, how'd the hookup go?

Get ESPN? There's a Ukrainian shuffleboard... Whoa!

What the hell channel is this?

That's Paige's sister. She's giving birth. Oh, I thought it was that Billy

Crystal movie.

Push other. Push. Push.

She's a woman.

Oh, and all I gave her was a rattle.

Oh, I gotta get her something more than a rattle.

I'm gonna get her a car.

Yeah, that's it.

Go on into Starbucks, you rotten, disloyal scum!

Ellen, when are we gonna open?

I'm losing all my favorite customers.

Wow, these baby books are so amazing.

It's this little fella.

And they're all alone, not even born yet, sucking his thumb.

All alone, huh?

Who took the picture?

Ever think about having a baby, Joe?

Okay.

I know where this is going.

But I'm sorry, Ellen. I could never have a child with a woman I don't love.

I'm not asking you to have the baby with me.

I certainly can't have the baby without you.

reason I bring it up is because Paige dropped off this tape last night. She

it at my house.

It's so amazing. You've got to see this.

Right. We're not open. Got nothing to do.

No responsibilities. Nothing to tie me down.

God, I wish I had a son.

Ever seen a baby being born before, Joe?

I saw a baby cow being born once.

Yeah, that Billy Crystal movie?

No, my brother's bachelor party.

It's a small town.

Well, get ready. You're in for a treat.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

I know.

I miss him, too.

No, I don't need to rent a videotape. I just have a question, and it's probably

impossible, but is there any way to get something back after you've taped over

it?

See, it's kind of a funny story.

Not funny, ha -ha funny, but funny, I'm -gonna -get -killed funny.

See, I accidentally taped a 30 -something over my friend's sister

Okay. Apparently it is ha -ha funny.

Thank you for all of your help.

What am I going to do? I am a horrible, horrible person.

What am I going to say to Paige? She and her sister barely get along as it is.

This is going to start a war.

Well, there is one thing you can do.

There is? Yeah. It's kind of complicated. You might want to write it

As you know, videotape is made of magnetic particles.

Well, so is the Earth.

It has magnetic poles which help it move around its axis 24 hours a day, 12

months a year.

I'm with you.

Okay. What you need to do is reverse the Earth's rotation, thus

reversing the passage of time.

We'll call that plan B.

Man, it's hot out there.

Is that a Starbucks?

Mm -hmm. Why don't you just take that straw and plunge it right into my heart?

You stand there sipping that like Mr.

Sippy Sip after what you've done. Hey, I'm not taking the blame here. This is

much your fault and it is my fault, okay? Now, what are we talking about

Because of you and your bogus cable, I taped a 30 -something over Heather's

birth. Wow.

Which episode?

It doesn't matter which episode it is.

Paige is going to be here any second and she's going to ask for the tape. What

am I going to say? This is what you're going to do.

You're going to take a deep breath, you're going to look her in the eye, and

you're going to lie your ever -loving butt off.

You don't know me, do you?

You don't know me.

I don't lie.

Never have, never did, never will.

Hi! Tape's not here.

It was here, here at my apartment here, on the shelf right where I left it,

waiting for me to go home to be with it where it is.

That's all right. I'll get it later. I'm going nuts. I've been running

everywhere trying to find a place for the stupid shower. And now, get this.

wants everything. It's being pink.

So far, the menu consists of fruity pebbles and hostess snowballs.

What about really undercooked meat? That's pink.

I like the way you think.

Oh, hey, listen.

Don't forget to bring the tape because it's the only copy.

Is that one of those frappuccinos?

That looks good. I'm going to get one.

taped over the only copy of this woman's birth and now I have lied about it.

When will the spree of terror end?

Ellen, stop beating yourself up about this. Listen, I've delivered a ton of

babies in residency, okay? And it's no big deal. They all pretty much look the

same. You're telling me this birth would look just like any other birth?

Yep. Pant, plop, squirt, sniff and flap.

That's pretty much all there is to it. You go to any hospital, you see 20 women

ready to give birth. Every one of them would look exactly the same.

This is insane.

This is an insane idea.

This is something Lucy would do. Yeah, I will tell you something.

Ricky would be a lot more supportive than you're being. Ricky wouldn't be

He'd be at the club babalooing, okay? Ethel would be here.

Well, Ethel doesn't know, remember?

It's Ethel's sister's baby who I taped over. It's Ethel's sister who's going to

kill her unless I come up with another tape.

Okay, just so I know, what is the plan again? We go to a random pregnant woman,

say, Hi, I'm a total stranger.

Can I film your birth?

Yes.

The trick to something like this is total honesty. You tell the truth and

will respond.

Hello.

Couldn't help but notice you're pregnant.

I accidentally videotaped over someone's birth and I would like to videotape

your birth and pass it off as theirs. Is that okay?

If you don't get away from me right now, I'm going to scream.

Okay, thanks. Bye -bye.

That was great.

You were right not to lie because that whole telling the truth thing really

worked well for you. That was great.

What are you doing?

This patient is taking way too much Pitocin.

You ready to go?

No, this plan is my only hope. I know it looks like a long shot, but if you saw

plan B, you would understand.

Excuse me.

Actually looking for a friend who is having twins.

Okay, what's the name?

Oh, there's a problem. It's not a good friend. I don't even like her that much.

I never bothered to learn her name at all.

But she's having twins, and I felt like I should be here because that's a big

thing. If it was just one baby, I may not have even come.

But, you know, she's huge.

We call her big as a house because she's... Big as a house. Exactly. You

bright woman. I like you already.

So anyway, this is kind of like a dance with wolves, big as a house. We had just

seen the movie, so everything was, I bet people call you face without smile.

Maybe I can help here. I'm Dr.

Kovac. I'm a consulting physician from Manhattan General. Nice to see you. What

seems to be the problem here? Well, Dr.

Kika? No, it's Kovac. Oh, well, nice to meet you, Dr. Kovac. Nice to see you.

I'm looking for a friend of mine who's having twins.

Well, that shouldn't be too big of a problem. Who's having twins today,

Wait a minute. You're not wearing any identification.

Now, how do I know you're a doctor? Please don't ask stupid questions, okay?

Pull the chart. Take a look at it. Give this woman what she needs. While you're

at it, get me a cup of coffee with a couple of sugars.

You're a doctor.

Sorry, she's in 310. There she is.

All right, that's your mark right there. You got one shot. What are you going to

do? Lie.

That's my girl.

Hi, my name is Ellen.

Well, Eleanor. No, Helen. Ellen's fine. Ellen. And as part of the hospital

welcoming person, we are now offering a pre -mandatory videotape of your birth.

And sort of like when they take your picture at Disneyland on that log flume

ride when you're going down that drop and your hair is like...

but it's like with babies instead of logs. Hi, I'm Dr. Kovac. Nice to see

As a physician, I want to recommend the videotaping process.

No, thanks.

Okay. You'll have to excuse me. I'm in labor. I need to walk.

Did I mention that I am also pregnant?

Not as pregnant as you, but just a few days pregnant.

Actually, I just had a large lunch, but I could be pregnant.

At some point in my life, and I was wondering if I could videotape your

help me out.

I don't know. Okay, this isn't working. I'm just going to tell you the truth.

Miss Laurie, honestly, we are angels, and you're the only

person on this earth who can see us. Your coffee doctor?

And her.

Oh, oh, oh, my God.

I'm really having these babies. I think I need to sit down. All right, just

breathe through it. That's it. Breathe through it. I'm so sorry. I'm having

babies. This should be the most beautiful and natural moment of your

I'm making it weird and freaky. I'm so sorry. I'm not this kind of person. I'm

just desperate, and I was wrong. Go ahead. I'm so sorry.

Okay,

everybody, you should go and have your baby and be happy and forget that any of

this ever happened. Watch out for the Pitocin. They're handing it out around

here like it was chewing gum.

Remaki? Yeah, thanks.

Remaki?

Remaki?

Ellen. Heather.

This is a perfect shower. It's absolutely perfect.

Heather, look, there's something I want to tell you. Attention!

It's from my mother.

How sweet.

Even though she's away, she still sent a gift.

Oh,

my grandma's in Betty Ford, and all I got was this lousy T -shirt.

You're incredible, you know.

First you let me use the bookstore for the shower, and then you get all those

expensive gifts.

You're a good friend.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

No, I'm not.

You saved me.

This is the longest that my sister and I have ever been in a room together

without fighting.

And I owe it all to you.

Paige, look, there's something that I wanted to tell you. And the thing is...

You know how I didn't want cable, but Spence wanted cable, and so

I suddenly had lifetime.

And so I threw this whole shower because I was kind of feeling guilty. And

because you're such a friend.

What are you trying to say?

Well, I'm trying to say, I'd like to make a toast to my two beautiful great

-granddaughters, Madison and Santa Monica.

And now, who'd like to see a very special tape of these precious babies?

better to do.

Nobody wants to watch a tape.

Let's play shower games, okay, everybody?

Shower games.

And who needs games that you buy? You can make things up with diapers and,

look at this. What's that?

I don't know. Do you know what it is? I don't know.

It could be a hat. You could say, hey, I'm...

We don't need to watch the tape right now, Audrey. No, we don't need to watch

the tape right now, actually. It's not even a... Everybody off their diets and

eat, eat, eat. That's all we should do is eat right now.

Paige, would you please tell me what's going on?

Ellen, would you please tell me what's going on?

I've been trying to tell you that it's kind of a funny story.

Not funny, ha -ha funny, but funny, you're going to kill me funny.

I accidentally erased your birth tape.

I'm not laughing.

See, I told you it wasn't ha -ha funny.

Here's what happened.

I taped a 30 -something.

over it and and i'm so sorry i know that's got to be something that you'd

to keep and i and i'm so i feel terrible it's my fault paige wasn't even there

it was nothing she did it all it was me me me me ellen me paige how could you

let this happen thanks for trying well everyone

i have a little announcement to make

It doesn't seem that we're going to be watching the tape.

Because my lovely sister here went ahead and with very little thought to me and

or my feelings, had the audacity and or stupidity to allow

her nitwit friend here to actually tape over the birth of my children with an

episode of 30 -something.

Which episode?