Original subtitles

I don't want to go to the moon.

No, I'm not an astronaut.

I don't have any tang with me.

Great, we have liftoff.

No, Kevin Bacon's not here. He's flying the thing, right?

This must be the part where we have the fancy opening sequence, like when Mary

throws the hat in the air or Jed finds the oil.

But kind of embarrassing. It's not ready yet.

But we'll have it next week. I promise.

Cool song, huh?

Yeah.

Hello? Anyone in the hall? Ellen? Ellen, is that you? Adam? Ellen?

Audrey?

Guess what? All the lights are out. It's a complete blackout.

The important thing is we're all okay. Anybody hurt?

No. Fortunately, Adam threw his powerful body on top of me.

Anybody sick?

Ow!

Paige?

Guess what?

The power's out. There was an earthquake.

Yes, I know. I was sprawled across the seat of my bouncing car hanging onto the

stick shift for dear life. Hey, I didn't know you had a date last night.

had a breakfast interview and I came to borrow Ellen's briefcase.

I have been an underpaid assistant forever and today was my chance to

studio executive and step on all the people who stepped on me, but apparently

the earth has other plans. Who's touching me?

Sorry, that was me.

The bald guy with the ponytail from down the hall who nobody says hi to.

Everybody,

crawl low to the floor with wet towels on your heads.

Just so I know, was this the big one? Because if the big one's bigger than

you're all idiots for living here.

Spence? Are you six?

Yeah. Everybody, it's Spence. Who's Spence? Spence, my cousin from out of

The one I spent all those summers with.

From New York, the doctor.

Doctor? Wait.

Stupid flashlight.

I can't believe you're here. Why didn't you tell me you were coming?

Last minute thing, Cedars -Sinai has courted me for this big medical

That is, MCI is courting me to switch phone companies.

Oh, you sound like you look great.

Oh, come here. Let me give you a big hug.

Oh, I've missed you so much.

Hey, Ella, over here.

Oh, get away from me.

And to recap, there has been an earthquake.

It's official.

It was an earthquake.

All over the Southland, report having experienced a rolling and a shaking. It

was a rolling and a shaking.

I'm on an emergency call.

What do you mean the studio is closed? I have a 10 o 'clock with two shiftmen.

Well, usually this lamp is not knocked over. And usually this picture on the

wall is straight. And usually the dishes are clean and the bills are paid. And

the magazines on that coffee table are a lot more sophisticated. Helen, Helen,

Helen.

Breathe.

Very good.

this protein bar among us, we might be able to survive the week.

Oh, I think we'll survive.

Of course you'll survive, Ellen. You have a body that stores food forever.

Mine just burns it right off.

Boy, there is nothing like a disaster to make you realize what's really

important in life.

Oh, no.

My Star Trek commemorative plate.

The kid that used to make me eat bugs was going to be a doctor.

Yeah. Dr.

Kovac.

Dr. Spence Kovac.

Paging Dr. Kovac.

Dr.

Kovac, we're paging you. You need to know you are. Dr. Kovac, we're paging

Kovac. Dr. Weinstein, Dr. Weinstein, Dr. Weinstein.

Listen, all that stuff I told you was a lie. It was a major whopping nose

-growing lie.

I'm not here for any fellowship. I got kicked out of my residency.

God. Oh, oh, oh, oh. You almost had me, too, because you do that all the time.

You're so good at it. You just you tell me a little story and I get all. Oh,

yeah. And then you're like, gotcha. And then you get that evil grin and then you

just laugh and laugh and laugh.

And you.

You're not laughing.

Apparently, the medical faculty at the Manhattan General felt that I failed to

handle myself in a professional manner.

You made him eat bugs, didn't you? Oh, God.

Who the hell knows what I did? It's all politics.

You know, you miss a hospital picnic, punch a patient, forget to dot an I in

some report.

Hello, excuse me, pardon me. I'm not a medical expert, but I would think that

it's that punching thing in the middle that did it.

I spent nine hours stuffing this guy's brain back into his head, right?

He comes back a week later whining because I had to shave off his hair

okay?

Man's got his brain, okay?

That's good. That's good to have, Brian. But the thing is, I mean, did you have

to... Did you have to punch him? I mean, couldn't have just yelled at him or

just, you know, just poked him really hard? Oh, you don't... George Clooney

punched a patient on ER. They didn't can his butt.

See, but reality's just a little bit different, isn't it?

Reality doesn't have pancake makeup and pretty lightings and nurses in every

store closet.

Reality's a little bit harder to swallow, isn't it, Mr. Clooney?

I got free time now, huh? Yeah, I can go to Disneyland, right? I can have my

picture taken with little Mickey button -pants mouse, huh? That'll be nice for

me. Huh?

Wow!

That's something to live for!

I don't think that's his middle name.

I'm sorry, Al.

Why am I yelling at you? I don't want to be that guy. I'm sorry.

Come here. Come here. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

God, the reason I came here is because I knew you, of all people, would know

exactly the right thing to say to make me feel better.

So, you know, whatever that thing is, now might be a good time to say it. I

cannot believe you're not going to be a doctor.

That's the wrong thing. No, but I can't believe it, though. I mean, that's what

you always wanted to be, was a doctor.

Remember when we were kids and we'd play cowboys and Indians?

You were always the doctor? Yeah.

I mean, if you're not a doctor...

I don't know. I do not know.

All anybody ever wanted me to be was a doctor.

Remember that one Christmas? I'm five years old, right? What did they get me?

A stethoscope.

I remember that Christmas, yeah.

That's the Christmas I got a shirt.

Yeah. Ordered a snow cone machine.

Didn't get it. Wrote a letter to Santa Claus and everything, but got a shirt.

Two years later, blood pressure cuff.

Again, shirt.

Then I get the chem set.

And then the biology book, the microscope.

Shirt, shirt, vest.

You know what, Elle? You are so lucky. Because no one ever thought you'd be

anything, you know?

Or do anything.

That is not what I meant.

You know, it's not like I've done nothing with my life.

Haven't you heard? I own the bookstore now. No, I just read in your mom's

newsletter that you still weren't married.

Well, I own the bookstore. I mean, my life is pretty darn fulfilling.

I mean, my life is one heaping plate full of fulfillment with some, hey,

doing pretty great on the side, and to top it off, a tall, cold glass, a job

well done, and for dessert, tapioca pudding.

Okay, keep your eyes closed. This is by the book. Now, keep in mind, we had an

earthquake, so there may be some books here and there that are misplaced, but

otherwise, this is the product of the last three years of my life.

Did I mention that we serve coffee?

I don't know. I mean, a little elbow grease, a roll of paper towels, this

will be back together in no time.

Oh, God, it's trash. What am I going to do? It's trash.

Okay, no, no. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts.

Happy thoughts.

Rainbows on roses and sleigh bells on kittens.

We're lucky, huh?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, hold on a sec while I count my blessings.

Zero.

Oh, my friends came to rally around me. Thank you for coming.

Oh, you know what this is like? This is like Jimmy Stewart's friends and it's a

wonderful life. I am like the George Bailey of West L .A.

Thought you might need some pictures for your insurance.

Oh, my God. This place looks like a hurricane hit it.

and you can just help me pick up some of these books.

And I will, but I'm going to get one teeny tiny phone call. See, my phone's

of order, and I gave Schiffman's assistant the number here because it's

important. I hope you don't mind. No, no, it's important, so that's fine. The

only thing is I'm expecting my insurance agent to call, though.

Wait, could you answer Paige Clark's office?

Paige, it could be my insurance guy, and he's going to think he has the wrong

number. And it's not easy to get a hold of him in a time like this. And I'm

pretty sure I'm covered, but I'm not positive, so I can't just answer Paige

Clark's office.

I'll patch you through to her car phone.

That's 11 years I gave to medicine. And what did medicine give me? The old kiss

off. The old, let's just be friends.

The old, for the love of God, stop choking the chief of medicine or we're

calling security.

Funny, isn't it, how people feel free to open up and spill their troubles to the

coffee server?

First thing you should know about me?

I don't care.

Ellen, do you think that Adam is from Mars and I am from Venus?

Yes, Audrey.

Yes, I do.

Okay, what is the best thing that you could imagine happening right now?

Shipman is still gonna...

I've got your briefcase. I just need to pick up my suit. It's a dry cleaner next

door. And then I'll be back and we rally. I promise.

Paige.

Paige. I don't think that the dry cleaners... The dry cleaners is not

What am I going to do? I've got to have that suit.

I mean, isn't there something we can do? Something we can call?

The National Guard.

Really? Oh, yeah. Yeah. All that guarding cities and saving lives is just

something they do to pass the time until someone's clothes are in jeopardy.

Excuse me?

By the book is the name of the bookstore.

Or the book, because the B, the first B fell off, and so... It's good that

actually the first B fell off and not the second B, because then it would be

the oop.

What's that? Nobody would know.

Passing by, do you need an oop? I don't know, but they wouldn't come in.

What was the question?

Your store lies in ruin. Tell me, how do you keep your spirits up during a

tragedy like this?

Well, Scott, I'll tell you. I think what I try to do is think of a happy song.

And there's a song in particular that I like to think of. Oh, darn it. What's

the name of the song?

Anyway, it's a very happy song. It has a guitar thing.

It's from the Nine Inch Hootie. Do you know that band?

I cannot remember the name.

And I know it's not Enya. It's not her.

Well, there you have it.

Tragedy, destruction, chaos.

Can any good come from this earthquake?

Maybe it's just the sights we've seen all around the Southland today of

rallying around friends in times of need.

Yep.

We'll be continuing our live coverage.

Look, there's Edward James Olmos walking the neighborhood to raise community

spirit.

Hey!

Hey, try our earthquake special.

We can't take advantage of customers at a time like this. That's not the kind of

place that Oi the Book is.

Paige, I know you're busy destroying my bookstore, but could you hold this for a

second while I sweep?

Ellen, you're a life saver.

Normally you'd put that on the floor and I'd leap into it.

You don't understand. I have got to have that suit. That is my power suit.

Some insurance guy called, told him we had a bad earthquake and there was a lot

of damage and this probably wasn't the best time to call. No, Joe, I need to

talk to him. I can't believe... Okay, no, that's all right. It wasn't your

fault. Where did I put his number?

Oh, excuse me.

Do you have the new Jackie Collins?

Yeah, I probably do, but see, the earth tried to swallow us whole, so... Okay,

but you know...

You should really get a new name.

Uwe the Boo doesn't tell you what it is.

Not the K2. No, don't leave. Don't leave. No, just browse a bit. I'll find

think it's right in here somewhere, okay? Oh, thank you.

Hey,

Ellen. How's it going?

Oh, good. I'm sorry. I feel bad. I've been a bad host. But as soon as I find

this book, we can sit down and talk about Disneyland and plan the trip. I

make a picnic or something and show you around Anaheim. Ellen.

Ellen. Ellen. Ellen.

Come here for a second. I'll tell you a little story. Come here. Come here.

It's about this chicken, right?

Have a seat. Have a seat right there. It's about this chicken who's building

this house, right?

But none of her little barnyard friends wanted to help her. Okay, you're

thinking of Henny Penny. Well, yeah.

And they all wanted to live there, right?

Okay, but she didn't ask them for help. And they kept on putting their head

through the wall and taking those pictures and pretty much ruining their

time. I'm telling a story. Here we go.

The point of what I'm...

The point of what I'm saying is that you're letting your friends walk all

you, okay? If you want something, you've got to speak up. This is exactly why

you've got a shirt every year for Christmas.

They're not walking all over me, and I got a vest.

No, they're walking all over you because I did.

No, you didn't. Yeah, I did. I walked into your house unannounced, whining

my problems, asking to stay for an unlimited amount of time while I work

problems.

Nate, you didn't mention that last part.

I didn't? No. Well, can I? Sure. See, right there.

Look, this is what I'm talking about. You're the one in trouble here, okay? If

you want some help, you have to ask for it. You've got to do something, all

right? Tell them you're not going to take it anymore.

You know you're right. I know I'm right. Yeah, I shouldn't be treated this way.

No, you shouldn't. No, I'm fed up. I'm not going to take it anymore. Go tell

them, Al. Go watch out! Go.

Excuse me.

Hey, can I get everybody's attention just for... I got...

Sorry to have to say it, but I do. I just feel like you're all being, you

and I just, I know that you have your reasons, you know, and I'm sure they're,

yeah, but I don't, I just feel like, I feel like you're all. You're being

selfish, okay? You're all being selfish.

A little bit. And I just, I know it's a tough time for everybody, but rallying

is what people usually do. People rally.

And you're not. And I come in here and there are all of these just. Books.

Books. Everywhere.

It just makes me want to... I just... I want to... Bam! Sucker punch!

Achievement surgery! Right there!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

What are you saying?

All right, look, what she's saying is that you guys all came in here today,

right? And she's obviously... I can do this. I can do this.

Okay, what I'm saying is... What I'm saying is for once in my life,

I would like a snow cone machine.

a little chunk of ice goes in, and then shaved ice comes all out, so pretty, and

a cone, and you, oh, and you bite into it, and so is this juice on it, and you

can have flavors, and it's, is that too much to ask?

I think I speak for everyone here when I say, what?

Here's the deal, all right? You guys should be ashamed of yourselves, all

You come in here so wrapped up in your petty little problems, and you're

ignoring a friend in need, okay? A friend who has always been there for

You've always been there for them, right? Yeah. Okay.

What I want you to do is take a good, hard look around you, okay? And then

you're done, you figure out how to rally.

Ellen's right. I'm really sorry.

We were bad.

The meeting was really important.

Come on, everyone!

sprinkler system work. Well, see, now, work, that's a funny term. You see,

would imply turns off.

Funny man.

You know, I know to look at me, I look like one pretty together chick, but

was pretty scary.

Yeah.

I'm glad you were with me.

Remember what we used to do when we were little kids and we got scared?

Oh, wet our pants? Yeah.

The other time, we snuck into The Exorcist. Remember that? We went home,

that sheet tent, stayed up all night eating Oreos.

Oh, too bad I'm out of Oreos.

Glad I have a bottle of scotch. Works for me.

Okay, what is this?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, uh, duck. That's a duck. All right. Yeah, I'm hot. Give me a

bone. Give me a bone.

I'm going to have to go with duck.

No. No? No.

I'll give you a hint. Okay.

Tonight we have a really big shoot.

Oh, that's Sullivan.

Yes. Oh, I'm stupid. I'm stupid.

You put out the air for long. All right. Give me another one. I'm really, really

hot. Okay. All right.

How about this?

I'm going to have to take duck.

No, it's the shrimp guy from Forrest Gump.

I want some barbecue sweet.

Quarter pound sweet. Okay. All right, all right. Give me another one. Give me

another one. I got it. All right. All right, one more. Okay.

Oh, that's Mama Cass.

Yeah! Yeah, baby!

Woo! All the leaves are brown. All the leaves are brown. And the sky is gray.

And the sky is gray.

Give me a little bit of high -ho there. Okay, okay. Come on now.