Original subtitles

Previously on Ellen. Maybe I can pick you up at closing time.

Oh, like a date?

Not just like a date. I mean an actual date.

Dan.

Ellen. Dan, what do you know?

I mean, really, how long can you see yourself delivering pizza?

I don't know.

I've been doing it 11 years now.

Wow, a VCR with a wireless remote.

Thank you, Mr. President.

Richard told some of his court stories.

Dan, why don't you tell some of your pizza stories?

Pizza stories? What are you talking about? Well, just like last night. He

delivered a pizza to Scott Baio.

From Charles in Charge, Johnny Loves Chachi, Happy History. Anyway, he's...

that story.

Ellen, that is the story.

You obviously have a huge problem with what I do for a living. No, I don't. I

really, really don't.

Okay, I do.

What are you going to do? Are you going to paint or sculpt or study

architecture? What?

No, I'm going to deliver pizza.

In Italy.

Where it all began.

The very cradle of pizza.

So there you have it. All those things really happened.

Well, okay, one of those things didn't really happen. I'm sure you can figure

out.

So, any big plans for the weekend?

Mom, it's Tuesday.

It'll be here before you know it.

You know what, this weekend I'm actually thinking of building a date from

scratch. What I'll do is start with some twigs and some twine and some clay,

throw in some moss and some carbon and just sprinkle it in a clay pot, sort of

like a chia date. It'll grow.

A simple no would suffice.

You want to know what your problem is, Ellen? No. Too picky.

I mean, you always look for a man's faults.

Greg was too nice.

Roger watched too much TV.

Carl was a drag.

Drag queen, Mother.

Drag queen.

There's a difference.

Sure, to you.

I know I nitpick.

You know, I look for people's faults because I don't want to be with someone

unless they're perfect for me.

Mrs. Morgan. Hello, Audrey.

Hi. You must be Jack.

Audrey's told me a lot about you. Well, it's nice to meet you. This is my mom.

How do you do?

Oh, Ellen, isn't this nice? Audrey has a boyfriend.

How did you two meet? What normal process did you go through?

Jack stopped me for speeding.

It wouldn't kill you to speed once in a while, you know.

I hope I'm not being rude, but may I use your restroom?

Yeah, sure. It's the door marked Caballeros.

This used to be a Mexican restaurant.

Arrest this girl for being a crack -up.

Maybe it's the joking that turns men off.

Lucille Ball got married.

Ellen, you're no Lucille Ball.

And she had to go out of the country to find a man.

I was kind of hoping Adam might be around.

No, he and Paige went to lunch.

So he seems nice.

Yeah, he's okay. I mean, sure, Jack's clingy uniform shows off his sculpted

torso. And yes, he's sensitive, smart, and when he holds you in his massive

arms, you feel the world melt away.

But he's no Adam.

Hey, Dave.

Hi. Hey, how was lunch with Adam?

Expensive. He made me pay for both of us. Let me guess, he didn't bring his

wallet. Nope.

Let you in on a little secret. Adam doesn't have a wallet.

Oh, my God.

What?

Hi, Ellen.

Dan.

How are you?

I'm, uh... I'm... Wow, Dan.

Hi, remember me? Paige.

Yeah, hi. You still dating Richard?

Who?

DA guy.

It's good to see you, Ellen.

So, uh, how is Italy?

Bye -bye.

So, what's it been, six months?

I thought a lot about you, Ellen.

Dan.

So, Ellen, I was wondering, who would you most like to go out to dinner with

tonight?

Dan.

Great.

I'll pick you up at your place at 8.

If that's okay, just say Dan. Dan.

Who was that?

Dan.

You're out of your mind.

But I, you know, I guess the most impressive place I saw was the Blue

Oh, yeah, I've eaten there.

Blue Grotto is an underwater cave in Capri.

I had a tuna sandwich.

Yeah, but, you know, enough about Italy.

What's going on with you in the last six months? Oh, well, um, you know, not

much. Same old, same old.

Adam moved out.

My brother got married.

And Paige and I went to a spa. Got stuck on a fence.

And I took ballet.

I got robbed.

I dated an American gladiator.

Kidding. I dated an Italian gladiator.

I'm sorry, did it sound like I was finished?

This is nice.

Yeah, it's, uh... This is nice.

You know, there's something I've been meaning to ask you all night long ever

since I regained my ability to speak.

Um, are you still in the pizza business?

Oh, no.

My obsession with pizza is over. It was just a long, odd phase.

Yeah, but now I've found a new line of work.

Oh, what?

Soft pretzels.

Fantastic. That is... Oh, good. That's... Congratulations. Ellen, I'm

Oh.

No, I joined up with an import -export firm that's based in Italy.

Oh, wow.

Sounds like you have a career.

Yeah, I guess I do. I'm the West Coast connection for the entire operation.

Wow. That's great, because other than that, before, you know, that was our

problem. Everything else seemed pretty perfect.

And now?

Well, now, everything appears to be perfect.

Well, you don't know everything about me, you know.

Maybe some stuff that you might quibble over.

Any quibbles?

No. Any quibbles

now?

Nope.

What about now? Any quibbles?

Yeah.

Stop saying quibbles.

Beautiful day, huh? Have you looked outside? It's... Oh, it's so overcast.

By the afternoon, that'll burn off and you'll be able to see Bob's big boy.

Oh, it sure beats Italy.

Oh, no fair. You brushed your teeth.

Sorry. Don't let it happen again.

What time do we brush our teeth around here? After our orange juice.

Ellen, I don't know how to tell you this, but... I have to go into the

room.

Can I come with you?

Sure.

How long will you be gone today?

Oh, all day. I have to go down to Long Beach and...

Talk with some men on the docks. But I'll be back.

I never want this feeling to end.

Me either.

Ellen Morgan, I think I'm falling in love with you.

Me too, Dan.

Dortmunder.

Dortmunder.

Dortmunder. Dortmunder.

You want a French toast to toast me? You hungry?

Our little Ellen.

God,

how long has it been?

Oh, way too long.

Why didn't you tell me what I was missing?

Paige, of course, I'm talking to you.

So tell us everything.

Was it once? Twice?

Three times a lady?

It was three times and I was no lady.

Oh, I love you guys.

So, um, don't you think you're moving kind of fast?

I mean, you barely know this guy, and you're all giddy. I am not giddy.

I know it's giddy, but what's your point? I don't know.

You know, is he going to be over here a lot?

I mean, before I come in now, am I going to have to knock?

Adam, you don't live here anymore.

What is that supposed to mean?

He's getting my room.

Hi, Ellen.

I came by to return your blow dryer.

Look, it's Audrey. Cute little pink Audrey.

Tell the nuns to get out the ruler because somebody's been naughty.

I had a nice date last night. You had sex. You don't have to tell me.

The whole building was shaking. I thought it was the big one.

So how's your boyfriend, Audrey? We broke up.

For the benefit of anyone who might not have been listening, I'll repeat that.

We broke up.

I am single.

Oh, on an unrelated note, Adam looking good.

So why'd y 'all break up?

Jack said he got tired of competing with Adam for my love.

I've never seen him so angry.

He kept saying over and over, I'll make that Adam pay.

Like he could take you.

Don't open it. It could be him.

Not today, you silly.

He's at a chokehold seminar.

Woo, Ellen, when it rains, it pours.

Hi. Hi, we're looking for Dan.

He's not here.

He'll be back later tonight. Can I tell him who stopped by?

Yeah, tell him that Mike and Al came by.

Tell him we'll be back with his delivery.

Okay.

Got it. Mike and Al, delivery.

That's odd.

What? Well, I mean, Dan spends one night here, and now there are two guys poking

around, talking about a delivery?

All right, that does it. Dan moves out, I move back in. Well, first of all, Dan

has not moved in, although apparently some people think that he has.

Oh, I get it. Okay, you've been happy for 12 hours, and now it's time to start

nitpicking. I am not nitpicking. Nitpicking is his toenails are too long,

leaves the toilet seat up, or he has to go back to prison on Monday.

Ellen, you have got a great guy. Will you stop inventing faults? You sound

my mother.

Well, in that case, stop slouching and put on a dress.

Mom, you're going to have to wait until Saturday to meet Dan.

You can't talk to him. He's not here.

Yes, he's coming back.

I'm sure.

Because I kept his license and a deposit.

I gotta go. I just spilled something all over the... Oh, it's lighter fluid. The

whole place is going... Ah!

Hi, honey.

I'm home.

I like the sound of that.

I missed you. Oh, I missed you, too. I bought you candy.

I had them crush the box just the way you like it. Oh, you're so sweet.

You know what? I, um... I was just talking to my mom on the phone, and,

I just, I don't, what, I don't know what, what do I call you?

I thought we cleared that up this morning.

Dortmunder. No, no, no, I know. No, I'm saying if, like, okay, say I'm on the

phone with somebody, you know, and you're in the background making a bunch

noise, and so the person on the phone says, hey, who's that making all that

racket? Do I say A, a guy, or B, my friend Dan, or C,

my boyfriend?

Why am I making all that noise?

All right, good point, bad example. All right, so say we're at a party and

you're on a unicycle, all right? And so somebody says, who's the guy on the

unicycle? Do I say A, a guy? Ellen, if it's okay with you, I would like to be

your boyfriend.

Okay.

So that makes me your girlfriend.

Okay.

So we're boyfriend and girlfriend.

We're a couple.

We're not a clingy couple. You know, we're just a... We give each other our

space. Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Oh.

Well, what's that?

Oh, I think my beeper's set on vibrate.

Oh.

You are such a considerate man.

It stopped. What's your number?

Excuse me.

Sweetie, you do not want to keep these customers waiting. Yeah, well, I'm a

customer. Yeah, I know.

Boy, you know, you have got to have one of these in my business.

Oh, no. It's my distributor down in Miami. They're having some sort of

with customs.

Customs? Yeah, yeah. I have to fly down there for a few days.

But don't worry. I'll be back by Saturday to meet your parents.

Yeah, you know what? That reminds me. Some guys came by. Mike and Al, they

something about a delivery.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, I give them this address.

Yeah. What sort of goods do you import and export?

Oh, import and export. You are really turning me on.

I'm sorry. You know, you just haven't told me much about this new business of

yours. Well, Ellen, at 7 a .m. tomorrow morning, I'm leaving for three days. Do

we really want to spend the rest of this evening talking about the import

-export business?

You know, because if you do, I'm going to have to get some graph paper and a

protractor.

Protractor? Now you're turning me on.

Six parking tickets in two days.

So Audrey's cop is still harassing you.

It is so unfair. No matter where I go or what I do, he's standing there smiling

with his little ticket book open.

Tell you, I'd like to take that little ticket book.

And? Nothing. I'd like to take that little ticket book.

Anyway, I'd better go.

Have fun tonight.

Thank you.

Salad fork, steak fork, knife, butter knife, teaspoon, soup spoon, soup

spoon.

Okay, only one of us can eat because I'm out of silverware.

Hey. Hey.

So, your parents excited to meet Dan?

Yeah, yeah.

And everything's still going great with you guys? Everything is really, yeah,

really great, terrific. I mean, just unbelievable. I'm happy, and he's great,

everything's great. There's one little tiny thing, and I'm embarrassed to even

bring it up because it's just so minor, but I think that Dan is a drug smuggler.

See, now there you go nitpicking again. I mean, if it's not he kisses bad, it's

he's a drug smuggler. No, I... Look, all the signs are there. He's down on

business in Miami.

He wears a beeper. I don't have to remind you about his friends Mike and

Oh, my God. I have two friends named Mike and Al. Maybe I'm a drug smuggler.

better keep an eye on myself.

I'm serious.

This whole thing is weird. He gets a job from a bunch of guys in Thistley. He

travels all around. I don't think that I am jumping to conclusions when I say

that Dan is part of an international narcotics cartel.

You are out of your mind. I hope I am out of my mind. I hope that I'm

nitpicking. I hope this is the biggest nit that I have ever picked.

Hi. Hi, Mike and Al.

Dan's expecting us.

See you around.

Oh, my God, Paige, I'm holding.

That could be anything.

Should I open it? Absolutely not. Trust me, Ellen, when it comes to

relationship, ignorance is the key to happiness.

I've dated, like, a hundred different guys, and I don't know anything about

of them.

All right, you open it. No!

Oh, suddenly you have morals?

Ellen, will you get a grip, okay?

Can I leave my wallet here?

Yes, why?

Because I'm going to dinner with Adam. Tonight, the moocher becomes the

It's my finest hour.

See you later.

Butterfingers. Oh, my God.

How

could

you leave your wallet at Ellen's?

I'm sorry. I was just trying to teach you a lesson.

What lesson? The lesson that I need to make more money?

I already know that one.

I didn't know that they would call the cops.

I've been waiting for you to trip up. Okay, look, Jack.

You make me sick. You think society owes you dinner? Hey, look, Jack, there is

nothing going on between me and Audrey. I slept with her that one time, and that

was it.

You slept with my Audrey?

I slept?

I said slept.