Original subtitles

Be the machine. Please be the machine. Please be the machine. Please be the...

Hi, Mom. It's too bad I got the machine. I really was hoping to talk to you.

I'm going to have to cancel. Hi, dear.

Oh, damn.

What's that?

Damn, it's good to hear your voice.

You too. I'm so looking forward to our brunch today.

Yeah, that's what I was calling about. I'm going to have to cancel.

I don't feel good.

Oh, you sound terrible.

Do you have any chicken bouillon?

Oh, definitely.

Well, I'll wait. You look.

Are the little cubes wrapped in silver?

Oh, yeah, right here in the cabinet that I'm opening right now. There's a ton of

bullion. I don't have anything but bullion. I don't know how... It's just

bullion, bullion, bullion. If money were bullion and bullion were made out of

money, I'd be a bullionaire.

Oh, all right, all right.

I'll call and cancel our reservation at the Bel Air Hotel.

We'll feed the swans another time.

Okay, you bet.

Oh, maybe we should make this our last run.

Sounds good.

You know, that last hill was a little tricky, but I hung in there and made it

own.

I don't know where they get off calling that the bunny slope.

Weird.

Probably just stalled.

Yeah. No big deal.

What was that?

Start it again.

Gee, I don't know where we'd be without your powers of observation.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. Stay calm, stay

calm, stay calm.

All right, let's just talk about something, get our minds off of it.

Okay? Uh, so how's work?

Okay, of course, I'm talking to you.

We're all gonna die.

Maybe you're right. Maybe this is it.

This stinks.

My life wasn't supposed to end like this.

I haven't even finished my book.

You're writing a book?

No, I mean, well, thank God, I only have a couple of chapters left.

Yeah,

I'm just guessing that that chair fell because it was heavier than ours.

Even though it was empty.

You know, the green name is going to die along with me.

Oh, why did I never father a child?

Because you never leave your apartment.

The best thing I did with my life was lie to my mom.

Oh, my God, I'm going to die, and my mom's going to realize I lied to her.

She's going to ruin the funeral for her.

Paige, have sex with me.

Maybe my seed will live on with you. If we're all going to die, how is your seed

going to live on with me? I don't know. I read somewhere that women have an

extra layer of fat. They can survive while we're in the hole. Oh, that's

supposed to be turning me on? I can't believe you.

Aren't you the least bit scared that we're about to die?

feelings.

we were going to die.

And what were you feeling?

Fear.

So you fear death?

Yeah.

I guess that's why they call me Crazy Ellen.

That and a tremendous amount of guilt.

Guilt? About what?

Oh, my whole life.

Things I did do, things I didn't.

Things I wanted to do but didn't do. Things I did do but shouldn't have done.

Things I left undone, could have done but didn't do.

Interesting. Oh, and I wanted Adam to stop trying to give his sperm away.

Your friend was masturbating?

No, no, he just wanted to get one of us pregnant.

Forgive me.

I've obviously never skied in California.

So, was there any one particular event you were feeling guilty about?

Yeah, the fact that I lied to my mom about going skiing.

And why was that of significance to you?

I don't know. I lie to my mom all the time. Ah.

Ah. What's that supposed to mean?

Ah. Ellen's a fruitcake or ah? I lie to my mom all the time, too.

Ellen, have you ever considered being truthful with your mother?

No, I mean, I have to lie to her. It's to protect her feelings.

All right, I got one

for you.

Uh -huh.

It was the greatest experience of my life. I am telling you, I have never

more alive.

I'm fearless.

I'm just looking for my next thrill.

Well, you know, Joe's been looking for somebody to show his appendix scar to.

I'm going skydiving this weekend. Do you want to go?

Hmm, let me think. No.

Although, if you want to go down to the freeway and flip off some gang

members... What are you doing?

Making a list of lies I've told my mom. My therapist says I need to be more

honest. I think it's a stupid idea, but I'm not going to tell him that.

Boy, if my mom ever caught me in a lie, I'd be in for a whooping.

By the way, if she does come by here, you're my wife, and we have two kids,

and Daisy Lou.

Anything else?

I'm the mayor of Los Angeles.

What are you doing here?

Campaigning.

Hey, this is so frustrating. I've been on the phone all day, and I can't find a

woman who wants to have my baby.

Well, L .A. is one cold, unfeeling city, huh?

You should talk to the mayor.

Have you considered a sperm bank?

I did it myself nine years ago. Just got the urge one day.

And these places, they're, uh, discreet?

No one knows save you, Big Daddy.

You know what? I'm going to look into this.

Come on. You're not really going to go to a sperm bank.

Ellen, this is very important to me. I'm not saying that I want to raise

children or care for them.

I simply want to breed.

Well, since you put it that way, come on.

You and me, right now, on this counter.

Come on!

So, Mom, you get a chance to see any of the trial this week?

Oh, no, I can't. It makes me sick to my stomach to watch them persecute that

innocent man.

You know, I have to admit something. I invited you over here because I have a

terrible confession to make.

Oh, don't tell me you opened another silly bookstore.

No. Um, remember last Sunday when we were supposed to have brunch and I told

I was sick?

Well, I lied to you. I went skiing with Adam and Paige.

You lied to me.

Well, don't I feel foolish?

You'll be getting a glad you're feeling better card. Just ignore it.

I feel terrible. I'm sorry.

Oh, well, if it was just this one time. Well, one is not really accurate, no.

You've lied to me before?

Well, now and then.

How often?

How often do we speak?

Two to three times a week.

Well, then four to six times a week.

You know, you average out two lies per conversation, unless, of course, it's

holidays, then I just go wild.

I see.

And just what sort of things have you been fibbing about? Oh, I'm glad you

me that.

My shrink says it's a good idea to come clean and tell you all the past lies, so

I've made a little lift.

You're seeing a shrink?

Dr. Whitcomb. Oh, but he's your allergist. Ah, well, we'll get to that.

Number one.

I'm not a virgin.

Yes!

All right, and, uh...

Finally, last Christmas, that jacket that you gave me, the one with the

embroidered butterflies all over it, and I said I loved it. Well, I've never

worn it once.

But you screamed when you opened it.

Mom, I was scared.

I see.

Well, is all this making you feel better, dear?

It is. I feel great.

Yeah. You know, if you have any little white lies that you want to tell me,

is a good time to do that. Oh, heavens, no. I don't have anything off the top of

my head. Oh, come on. There must be something fake. No, honestly.

No, we're not all as immersed in deceit as you, sweetheart.

Oh, oh, wait.

Wait. Oh, maybe I have one. Okay, what is it? Um, Aunt Frida.

Aunt Frida. All right, you told me a little lie about Aunt Frida. What about

Aunt Frida?

Um... She really wasn't your aunt at all. She was your father's mistress.

Oh, but don't be worried. It was during the time that your father and I were

separated.

Oh, you're right.

You're right. I... I do feel better.

Thank you very much indeed for the fudge, Mrs. Morgan.

I'm glad you like it.

I made it without the nuts. I figured you'd see enough of those.

Good one, Lois.

Well, I'd like to start off by thanking my parents for not embarrassing me.

Mr. and Mrs. Morgan, do you have any questions before we begin?

You know, I heard somewhere that Robert Goulet is going for counseling. Is he a

patient of yours?

No, no, he's not.

Still has quite a set of pipes, though.

Can't argue with that.

Indeed.

Ellen has expressed concern that a certain lack of candor has crept into

relations with you over the years. And by meeting here, she hopes to become

forthright in her dealings with you both.

Oh, that sounds fine to me, Doctor.

Anything to get our Ellen back to health.

No one is hoping more than I that this is just a premenstrual episode.

Perhaps you'd like to start by explaining to Ellen the reasons why you

told her about your separation.

We weren't sure ourselves what was going on, so it was really hard to explain it

to you. Back then, you were still getting the hang of the toaster.

Oh, I see you were a child during the breakup.

I was 13, but there was something wrong with that toaster.

We figured that she'd put two and two together. We just didn't think it would

take her 20 years.

I can't believe you invented a relative.

I mean, what were you doing back then? Going to a party and saying, hey, I like

you, let's say your grandpa?

Carl met Aunt Frida after we were separated. We lied about Aunt Frida

Can we please stop calling her that? Okay, about Carla because... Carla?

Her name wasn't even Frida?

Of course not. Don't be naive.

We lied about her because we were already lying about the separation, see?

Well, yeah. God forbid you'd mess up one of your other lives.

Oh. Is the pot calling the kettle black, Miss Sunday Ski Bunny?

At any rate, Lois and I got back together in a few months. And since

have never been happier.

I think what this family needs is a good dose of honesty.

Now, it's not going to be easy, but you might start with a small step, say a

family get -together, during which you could be perfectly open and honest and

frank with one another.

I hope you had better advice for Mr. Goulet.

Thank you. In just a few seconds, I'm going to be completely out of control,

hurling towards the Earth at over 200 miles an hour.

One mistaken splat will fall out of any marionette pizza box.

Okay, listen up, listen up. Okay, gang, remember, power lines and

freeways are not our friends.

Got it. Right.

Okay, let's rock and roll. Start your run.

Out of my way.

So what's the point of this again? My therapist says my parents and I

need to be more honest with each other, so this evening we're going to be honest

with each other all night long.

What, you've never been honest with your family? Are you kidding?

After a cocktail hour, it's nothing but honesty.

Ellen, you know, I have been here 15 minutes, and my leg is in a cast.

Aren't you going to ask me what happened? Well, I was kind of in the

talk about me, but... 4 ,000 feet above the ground, my chute doesn't open.

If the instructor hadn't swooped down and saved me, I would be dead right now.

Wow.

Who would have thought skydiving was so dangerous?

So you're done with thrill -seeking?

No, are you kidding me? As soon as I get the cast off and the pins out of my

foot and six weeks of physical therapy, it's cliff diving.

I gotta go.

Hey, good luck tonight. Thanks.

Oh, you know, what do you say next year we run with the bulls in Petlona?

Hey, yeah, sure. Just remind me.

Or we could run with the kitties at Petco Adoption Day.

I can't.

Allergies. Oh, okay. Bulls it is. See you later.

Hey. Hey.

Something different about you?

I'm on crutches, you idiot.

That's it.

So, how'd it go at the fertility clinic? I couldn't go through with it. The

setting was so sterile.

Lighting was bad.

There was no romance.

It just felt so dirty.

Of course, that could have been the porno movie I was watching.

So, what about your urge to breathe?

Oh, well, you know, I just figured I'd go about it the usual way, you know.

Find the right woman, fall in love, get married, settle down and have kids.

So, nothing this week? I doubt it.

Oh, hi.

It's Miss Morgan.

Well, look, I'm going to take off.

Going to the movies. Oh, what are you seeing? Oh, nothing you've heard of.

Well, am I dressed appropriately for Honesty Night 95? Yeah, you look fine.

Sit down.

Let's just make ourselves comfortable.

And let's remember Dr.

Whitcomb's ground rules.

Honesty at all times.

Okay.

Oh, ruffles. I like these. And that's my honest opinion.

I'm ahead.

No, you can't be ahead, Dad. It's not a game or a contest. This is just how

we're going to get to know each other better.

Did you get a haircut today? Yeah, I did. Yeah, what do you think?

It looks like you got your hair cut.

Well, that's because I did. I'm wondering now what you think about it.

It is short.

I like it short.

You look like an astronaut.

You know, I never liked the way you cut my hair when I was little.

Oh, but I cut my own hair the same way I cut the whole family's hair. I know you

did. We look like a family of half -wit country singers.

You know, Dr. Wickham gave me this game that we can play that might help with

our honesty. He said what you do is, they're cards, and you read them aloud,

then you answer the question honestly.

If I get a question wrong, I don't have to take my pants off, do I?

Let's hope not. All right.

I'll start.

I think so.

Nope. Nope.

Pasadena, uh -uh. You know what? Cora's not a good idea. Oh, no, no, no, no.

Come on, Ellen. This sounds like fun.

Um, tell the other people in the room the one thing you would most like them

do differently.

We'll start with that.

All right.

Harold, I wish you would take the garbage out without being told.

I never knew that.

Good Lord, Lois, how long has this been eating at you?

Years.

But let's just move forward.

Oh, we will.

Okay, that's enough hugging. Do me, do me.

All right.

Well,

Ellen, you may not know this, but I really...

Wish that you would get married.

No.

Oh, my God, I will then.

I know you want me to get married, Mom. You say that to me every time we talk.

Every time you talk to me on the phone, every birthday card I get, here's the

thing. I don't need a man to make my life complete.

I am not going to have the job you want me to have. I'm not going to date the

men you want me to date. I'm not going to wear the clothes you want me to wear.

It's my life. I want to live it my way.

Just face it, I'm not you, Mom.

Okay.

Well, who's the next one to take a card?

Oh, who am I kidding? Come on, Harold, let's go.

Oh, I don't want you to go. Don't go, don't go.

Well, we're going home, Ellen, where we don't have to be honest with each other.

Boy, this didn't turn out like I wanted it to. I don't want you to leave like

this. Well, what do you want us to do?

I don't know.

We could go out and get ice cream.

Oh, that would be a treat. Yeah.

What do you think, Mom?

Well, do you really want to do that with us? Yes, I do. It sounds like fun. I'll

get my jacket.

I hope they have vanilla.

I only wish they had pants to match. Oh, they do. They do. They make them. They

do.

And me with my birthday coming up.

You look lovely. Thanks, Dad. Okay, let's go.

Okay. Oh, Ellen, you'll never guess who knocked on our door last night. Who?

Marshall Lazenby.

He's hung up his tap shoes and become a Mary Kay salesman.

Don't tell me he's single.

And drug -free.

Well, what are you waiting for? Give that man my number.

Thanks again for the ski outfit.

I love it.

I think you've caught that ski patrol in his eye, dear. Yeah, with my pole.

I feel really bad.

He won't soon forget you.

Nothing like the smell of snow.

Isn't it great to ski in the middle of the week? Oh, yeah.

What did you tell Joe?

The truth.

I'm homesick.

I told the other volunteers at the Bloodmobile that I was on jury duty.

Suckers!

I told the firm that I'm in that biosphere. They won't see me for two

Who is that maniac skiing with a lake cast on? Paige! Hey!