Original subtitles

Adam, will you please stop making that horrible noise?

Oh, sorry. I didn't think you could hear me over the blunder.

I need a drink. Oh, you shouldn't use alcohol to relieve stress.

I'm sorry. Did I say lecture?

Because I thought I said drink.

What's going on?

Well, I got into a car accident.

My God, what happened?

I was talking on the phone, and I was reaching for my iced coffee. And I

to change the CD. So I was reaching under the seat for the case, and then

I slammed into another car.

Well, you mustn't blame yourself.

Don't you have any vodka?

On Wednesdays, I let my fish swim in it.

Oh, you haven't heard the worst of it.

Guess who I hit?

Hi, Ellen.

Hi, Adam.

Audrey, you smudged your lipstick a little bit.

Audrey, are you sure you're okay?

I think so.

There was a moment there right when you slammed into me that everything went

black.

I was drawn into this white light.

All my dead relatives were there.

They seemed so happy.

And then they saw me and they said, go back. You aren't finished on Earth yet.

All right, well, don't worry about the car.

Get an estimate. I'll pay for everything.

Well, the important thing is everybody's okay.

Right. Although, a near -death experience does make one realize that

short.

You've got to go for the gusto.

Goodbye.

Well, it seems like she's over you.

What is that you're drinking, and does it have liquor in it?

It's a seaweed protein shake. I'm bulking up. 3 ,000 calories in one

want some? No, I shouldn't. I had 3 ,000 frescas with lunch.

Excuse me.

Why are you bulking up?

Women like it. That's not true. I don't. No, I meant slutty women.

Paige doesn't either.

Okay.

The real reason I'm bulking up is I'm going to try out for the American

Gladiators.

Seriously, why are you bulking up?

Next Saturday, I'm going to try out for American Gladiators.

What?

I'm in good shape.

Oh. Come on, you know, why don't you go on Wheel of Fortune instead? Then you

just have to bulk up the one arm.

Okay, scoff now, worship later.

Those gladiator guys are huge. They will pound you. Not necessarily. I'll outfox

them. I'm wily and I'm quick.

Adam, this is you.

This is the American Gladiators.

This is you on the American Gladiators.

Any questions?

Thanks for coming with me.

Hey, what are friends for?

Offer a little moral support.

And should you fail, take pictures.

Oh, my God, look.

Gladiators.

That's ice.

Ice is cold, but I can melt it.

Can I help you?

I'm Adam Green. I'm here to try out.

And I'm just here to watch.

We don't last spectators. You'll have to wait outside.

Oh, but I'm his mother.

Gladiator rules.

The only way you could stay here is if...

You tried out yourself. No, I don't think so.

You look like you're in pretty good shape. Well, it would be a chance for

test yourself, to pitch yourself against the best and see how you measure up.

That's true.

And it is kind of hot outside. What the hell?

Man, I am in great shape. I mean, I thought I was in good shape, but I had

idea how good a shape I was in. I mean, I am in peak condition. Do you know the

feeling? Is it similar to bleeding internally?

Man, you should have seen me in Powerball, too. That Becky woman thought

could score on me, but not on my watch.

I know I've broken some ribs here.

For what? To be disqualified just because I couldn't do 30 chin -ups.

Oh, come on. Quantity isn't important. It's form that matters, and you look

great on both of yours.

Anyway, look, all these people have obviously been training for years. You

expect to just waltz in here and get in.

Ellen Morgan? Yeah, in. Yes!

I'm going to go eat some gladiator donuts.

Hi. Hey, I saw you out there. You were good. Oh, well, thank you. I was on my

high school gladiator team.

I'm Nitro. Oh, I'm Ellen.

Actually, my real name's Dan. Oh, well, my real name is Madam Destructo.

Madam.

Nice. I know.

I'm a big fan.

Say, aren't you a model, too?

Yeah. Because I happen to be a photographer, and I'm always interested

expanding my portfolio.

Are you coming on to me?

I just might be.

You can get pretty rough around here. So you think you got it? Yeah, you block

with the left, dunk with the right. Block with the left, dunk with the

Block, dunk, block. Okay, good, good, good, good. I think you got it. Listen,

I've got to take off, but maybe sometime this week I can give you some more

pointers. Okay.

Over dinner?

Oh, it's all happening so fast.

Then maybe I can call you.

Okay, yeah. Try me at my bookstore. Buy the book.

Buy is spelled B -U -Y, and the book, they're just regular words.

Nice meeting you, Ellen. You too.

Nitro?

Joe, I just got this letter in the mail. Well, if nothing's too trivial to

mention, I just swallowed my gum.

That's funny.

I think it's comments like that that may have inspired Mr. Brian Fisher to

write.

Dear proprietor, I'm a regular customer, blah, blah, blah.

Books are my only source of happiness. This is my wife's death, blah, blah,

blah.

But I find your coffee server rude, sarcastic, and given to fits of

anger.

What'd you do to this guy?

Ellen, if I'm sure of one thing, it's my dealings with customers I'm always

helpful and polite.

Actually, I've noticed you can be a little gruff.

Did you say something, Baldy Beardo?

Joe, why don't you try to be nice to all the customers?

Baldy Beardo, giant nose man.

Johnny Toupet, Wart Woman, all the regulars.

Ellen, Audrey is suing me.

Over that car thing? Yeah, I got served this morning. Look at this.

Property damage, grievous injury, emotional distress.

I mean, I have listened to her screeching, obnoxious voice for the past

months, and she is suing me for emotional distress.

Paige, it's always such a treat to see you. Can I offer you a cup of coffee?

So, are you going out with Nitro?

I don't think so. I don't know. I mean, what if the relationship progressed? I

just can't see myself calling out, Oh, Nitro. Oh, Nitro. But he's a celebrity.

mean, think of all the great stories you could get from that.

You go out with guys for great stories?

What, do you think I dated Richard Mulligan because I liked him?

Hi, Ellen. Hi, Paige. Anyone up for lunch?

Audrey, sue anyone on the way over?

My insurance guy is so aggressive.

Ellen, these came for you.

Really? Yeah. I never get flowers.

Be my glycerin, love Nitro.

Adam, Nitro's going to be here any second.

Just let me finish my ice cream and I'm gone.

Why can't I stay and meet him? Why is this so important to you?

Well, you know, I was thinking that he and I could start hanging out.

You know, I don't have many jock friends.

You don't have any jock friends.

Well, what about Andy? He rides dressage.

Anyway, as soon as Nitro gets here, he and I are going to bond like nobody's

business.

That's him.

Okay, I'm ready.

More flowers.

Yeah, I like them.

That must have been a tough moment for you in your life.

Florist, gladiator.

What do I do?

Oh, this is my friend Adam.

Hey.

How's it going, man?

Good. You?

Good.

You?

Good.

Well, it's hard to know when to jump into this conversation, but...

We should get going. Sure, let's go.

This wine is wonderful.

It's a Louis Latour 1967.

I discovered it when I was in Paris.

Really? Were you on Le Gladiator Francais?

Actually, I was abroad to study. I got my degree in French literature.

Really? I mean, really, really?

What, you think because of what I do for a living I must be some kind of moron

or something? Yes, I do.

I feel terrible, but I did.

It's all right.

When you weigh 210 and wear a spandex tank top to work, you're kind of asking

for it.

So, uh, do you like gladiating? Oh, yeah, I love it.

It's physical, it's fun.

Every once in a while, you get to meet someone very special.

Oh, Nitro.

Is that a chini alfongi? Thank you.

And you had the turkey.

Sure. Let me get your fresh cup. Thank you. And may I say the service here is

excellent.

It's my pleasure.

Brian. It's Bill.

Oh. Oh, could you get me some more cream?

You got legs? Get it yourself.

How's the protein shake coming?

Mmm, that's good seaweed. Want some?

No, I think I'll snack on some of this trash.

So how's it going with nitro?

It's going great.

I'm going to see him again this weekend. I am dating an American gladiator. Joe,

no jokes.

I think it's sweet.

But if things don't work out, I can set you up with a Mighty Morphin Power

Ranger.

Yeah, keep laughing. I won't have you around next time Nitro's over.

Hey, don't even joke about that.

We really hit it off.

Ellen.

Nitro.

Hey. Hi. What a nice surprise.

Hey, Nitro.

How's it going, ma 'am? Good, you? Good, you?

Good.

Listen, I've got to talk to Ellen, all right?

Gotcha.

Can we go sit down for a second? Yeah.

What's up?

Well, first of all, I had a great time last night. Oh, me too. I did. And it

so nice of you to turn those people's motorhome back on its wheels.

The thing is, though, I can't see you anymore.

Because you're going blind?

It's not you. I mean, you're great, you're pretty, you're funny, you're

I can change.

I just don't feel we have any chemistry.

Oh.

Well, I thought we did, but, um... Okay. I mean, I understand. That's fine.

Sorry, Ellen. Okay. Bye.

What did you do to him?

Oh, Ellen, I'm so sorry Nyko dumped you. Did he give you any reason?

Chemistry. You know how that's spelled. T -O -O -F -A -T.

I'm so tired. I should... I should, uh... You should go.

Audrey, you have not to call your lawyer off of me. I mean, now my bank accounts

are frozen.

It's just until we verify your assets.

How can you sue a friend?

It's not personal.

Even my mom and I are suing each other. I stuck the subpoena into her Mother's

Day card.

But I'm sensing a little hostility, so maybe I'll scoot.

Bye, Ellen. Bye, Paige.

Drop dead, Audrey.

You silly.

Chip, I thought you were in training.

I am. I'm carbo -loading.

Those are high in fat. So I'm fat -loading. The point is I'm loading.

Competition's tomorrow.

You looking forward to it?

I guess so. I just don't know what to say when I see nitro.

How about, um, go to hell, you had your chance, you ridiculous, over -inflated

loser. Yeah.

Or, hi.

Mike Adamley will interview you in a couple of minutes, and then you go to

jobs. Fired up, Morgan. I sure am, Freeman Snyder.

Hi, Adam.

Hi, Paige.

Um, Paige, I've been meaning to ask you. Do you own your car outright, or are

you still making payments?

I own it.

Why?

Just making conversation.

I saw that skinny -looking bookworm you were dating.

Ellen, I liked her. You did not. You're only dating her to make me jealous.

No, I really think that I like... Nitro, let me do the thinking. You just sit

there and look pretty.

Well, well, well, Nitro.

Ellen. Now I see the truth.

I was just a pawn in your sick little gladiator love game.

Funny, they didn't tell me that it was scrawny.

Loser week?

You call yourself a gladiator?

You wouldn't last a day in ancient Rome.

Here you are. We need you for your interview.

Well, Ellen, your first event is the joust. I imagine you are psyched. Not

really, no. Well, sure you are.

What's the point?

Okay, so how about an opinion about your first opponent?

You've got a mighty tough draw, Ice.

I'm going up against ice.

Right here, right now. What do you think about that?

I'll kill it. Oh, that's the spirit.

No, no, no. I mean it. I'll kill you, Ice. You hear me? You're a dead woman.

are one dead gladiator. When I get done with you, you won't even be a gladiator.

You'll be a... You'll be a satiator! Well, there you have it. And it looks

we have to make ends of a mighty good grudge match.

Hey,

look. There's Ellen.

And there's Nitro.

Hey, Nitro!

How you doing, buddy?

He's a friend of mine.

So the stage is set. Our marquee event, the Chows, and our challenger, Ellen

Morgan, the belligerent bookseller, taking on our very own Ice Ice Baby.

Contenders always look mean before this event, but with these two, it almost

seems personal.

Three, two, one.

I'm certainly not intimidated.

She's a regular raging retailer.

Uh -oh, it could be curtains for the smoking small businesswoman. Ellen in

trouble. She's in big trouble.

Thanks for keeping nice and warm for me.

That's from something to me?

That's because I just don't like you.

I don't believe this. What else, Jen? Edwin Morgan has nothing. He's still

Christ, look who it was.

Who's the gladiator now?

Who's the gladiator now?

I can handle it. I can handle it. I can handle it. Hey, you were spectacular.

Can I get another chance, please?

Sure, I'll give you another chance.

Disqualified, huh?

Unsportsmanlike conduct.

First time in American gladiator history. But you know what? It was worth

Plus, I got this neat hat.

Oh, by the way, you left that seaweed stuff out. Oh, throw that out. Throw it

out. Better yet, you know what you should do?

Put on like a safe suit or something and get in the car and drive about five

miles out of town and bury it way deep down in somebody's backyard or

Don't let Diane Sawyer or anybody see you because you'd get in trouble. Come

back and scrub down real good.

Okay. Ellen, I have got the best news.

I just got into another car accident. Hey, that is good news.

Paige, I am so sorry.

Again? Yeah, and this time she hit me.

You stopped so suddenly. It was almost as if you wanted me to hit you.

You silly.

You'll be hearing from my lawyer.

Oh, Paige, we're friends. Why can't we just handle this between us? Because I

think this way it would be so much more of a hoot.

Could I get a refill, please?

Sure, why don't you have a seat and I'll bring it right to you.

Brian.

How'd you know my name?

Wild guess.

Oh, that.

Look, I hope that didn't get you into trouble.

Oh, no, not at all. Because I have to say, you've changed.

You're courteous, attentive, professional.

Let's... Let's just put that whole misunderstanding behind us. Sure we can.

Tell you what, as a peace offering, I'll make you one of my special St. Paddy's

Day cappuccinos.

That sounds wonderful. Thanks.